• Member Since 29th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen Wednesday

Wolf-Baron


Well I'm just a casual fan of mlp but I do enjoy the show. I like to write stories about pony and human/furry interactions.

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2039: Equestria has been divided. The world has been devastated by war. Many nations have collapsed. Harmony has fallen.
The few surviving nations struggle with bankrupt economies and and political corruption. Ponies and humans have been forced to coexist.

Listen in as we explore the lives of individual men and ponies as they struggle to cope with their new society.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 19 )
Comment posted by Scarheart deleted Jan 26th, 2014
Comment posted by Carpinus Caroliniana deleted Jan 26th, 2014
Comment posted by Wolf-Baron deleted Jan 26th, 2014

Fix your paragraph spacing.

3848691 I do my best to. Although FIMfiction's format never gets it out right.

3848691 And sorry for deleting your first comment, I wanted to give this story a fresh new start.

3849073 no worries! It's your story!

Uhm. 10 likes as opposed to 13 dislikes ain't too good. Maybe you should get an editor! :D Just some advice.

3897436 Didn't see that someone edited it. Heh.

3897436 I did get one. It's sadly always been like that. I temporarily took it down, but it still kept the likes and dislikes.

3897445 Well. Don't worry about having a bad first start dude. My first story wasn't liked because it was "pro-Nazi" my second story is actually liked now! Everyone starts somewhere.

3897461 I think the biggest reason it was hated was because one, it's a HiE story and those are some of the most unpopular stories on this sight and two, I didn't ship Vinyl with Octavia!

3897465 Actually... HiE stories aren't automatically booed, but they are frowned upon if not done right.

3898692 Well do you think it's done right?

3898717 I'm kinda neutral as of now so... No vote. Just giving advice to a fanfic newbie.

Okay, I like the cyberpunkish setting but the narration and flow is a bit awkward amd choppy. In addition, I think you went and did a little too much of an infodump in the beginning.

My suggestions are smooth out the narration, pare away some extraneous details (we as readers don't really need to be told that Angel's favorite food is Frosted Flakes. If that detail's so important, have Vinyl or somepony else comment on it) and tone down the infodump – work it into the narration somehow other than just explicitly telling us.

Have an upvote because you made a cyberpunk HiE setting where Humans and Ponies peacefully coexist.

3928370 Thank you. I know the writing is a little sloppy. The original was even worse although I did manage to rewrite it.

3897465

Nah, impulse downvotes usually aren't that numerous. The chief issue with your story is that all you currently have posted is dull. It's half monologue and half continuous infodump... for more than a solid four thousand words. It's like being lectured about something you don't give a shit about by somebody you don't like. It's not that people don't like your world, it's that the beginning is your chance to make them like it. Instead of handing the reader a story, you're pelting them with information, essentially taunting them with "there's this cool story going on and you should totally read it, but you're not cool enough, so I'm just going to read the protagonist's blog aloud at you." There isn't any conflict; there is nothing to grab reader attention, also known as giving them a reason to care. The sentences are monotonous and chunky. The whole thing feels unpleasant vaguely.

4065543 It also doesn't help this is my first time writing a first person view. This is why I prefer third person.

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