• Member Since 30th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen 39 minutes ago

Coronet the lesser


"Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead." ~Gene Fowler


T

Twilight is a mare of many trades. She prides herself on control, ambition and building solid friendships with those around her. A hero and a princess at the same time. Perhaps one of the greatest mares to ever live.

But when a fleeting crush returns on a certain mare, Twilight finds herself in a difficult emotional position. Especially when said crush is on somepony that she's known all her life but could never truly have. Somepony that's given her everything she could have dreamed of and more. Alas she knows it is not to be.

It would be improper. It would be wrong. It would be...unacceptable.......Or would it?

*Edited by: Grimman007 thanks man.






Art work is not owned by me. The artist is Sokolas on Devianart If the owner perchance comes by and asks me to drop the picture, he only has to say so.

Wrote this after dealing with illness for a few days. My first Twilestia story. Probably one of the more emotional and fun ships I see out there and one of my favourites. My third foray into a romance fic.

Criticism is appreciated.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 64 )

She's a "mare of many trades." Also, it's spelled "unacceptable." Sorry to be a pain, but this is your title and description, you don't want misspellings or grammatical mistakes in what you're counting on to attract readers.

You've still got typos in the description :l Didn't you run this through with a spell checker?

3921241 Apologies I actually realised I didn't. The fault's my own. SHould have paid more attention to what I write for the interface. Ughh I'm stupid.

Not gonna lie. I didn't check the group or folder this was added to when i saw it in my feed. I immediately thought of Lemongrab.

I was very pleasantly surprised it wasn't Lemongrab.

3921444 would it be weird if I told you that I thought the exact same thing and I writ the bloody thing!

Needs more TwiLuna... ;)
Will give a read later, though!

Found a few errors: "The again love never really did make sense for Twilight." The should be Then,

"'Great I can insanity to my ever growing list ailments.’" Missing "add" between "can" and "insanity",

And "But it was more gentle then and less impulsive yet it was every bit as much bliss for Twilight as the first." then is used in context for time and would work if it referenced the previous time, or you could use "than before." also you need a comma after "impulsive".

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Errors aside it was a nice fluffy piece, well done.

just a bit of editing to make it look better, other than that it's pretty nice.:twilightsmile:

3921727 Fixed. Cheers mate. This chapter is a nightmare from an editing perspective. :pinkiehappy: Glad you enjoyed it.


3921724 Not this time sadly perhaps another day. :trollestia:


3921828 Yeah as I said this has been a Nightmare to edit. I'll probably sort out most of the minor mistakes tomorrow when it's not two in the morning. Otherwise glad you enjoyed it :raritystarry:

Yeah, this needs a proofreader. Badly.

But I loved Twilight's thoughts and dialogue. I dunno if I even wanted them to hook up right away at the end. Twilight seemed so thoroughly convinced it was wrong that Celestia convincing her that having feelings for her wasn't the most horrible thing in the world could have been its own conflict.

3921444 Ten years in the dungeon, no trial
3921212 Twilestia is OTP, in my opinion. You can damn well be sure I'll fave and upvote this!

Omg best romance fic i have ever read and i have read like 60 that down vote can get lost im downloading this

3921845 Yeah you're probably right. In truth editing this after a late night of drinking was perhaps a poor idea. I may look into getting a proofreader. Honestly I need one at this rate.

Glad you at least enjoyed it to some degree. I did originally want to write a sad ending but changed it at the last moment. It didn't feel...right to me.


3921861 Why thank you. Comments like that make this whole thing worth it.


3921856 3921887 "Why are you screaming?!!!"-Lemongrab

Very adorable. A pre-reader is needed but it's a sweet read!:twilightsmile:

3921902 Sick and drunk. Goodness me, that is quite an unfortunate combo. I'd love to see a revised draft. I'll be watching for it...:twilightsmile:

Also, if you were to add some nice teasing to either one of them (not sure you could fit it in without ruining the tone/characterization, but perhaps a bit at the end), you could apply for the latest Twilestia contest and a chance to have the story featured in the Contest Winner folder. Does that sound interesting to you?

3922000
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3921981
I have no idea. Truthfully. It started out with Lemongrab, and now i'm using ponified Dark Souls memes. The topic train has derailed through several counties and a nearby mountain at this point.

3922042 Yeah I'll look for one but I'll also revise it myself at a later date.

3922063 Yeah I'm just a bag of wonders at the moment.:pinkiesick: My own fault really.
But I don't think that this personally is good enough to enter any contest. Don't know how I could do that honestly. Thanks for the suggestion anyway:twilightsheepish:

3922097 Silly filly. Just get a good proofreader and it'll be easily competition material. I'd take you on meself if nobrony gets back to you by the time Spring Break ends.

3921902
I think that having Celestia prospective inserted before the resolution would help getting to understand better her side of the story, like this it's not really clear if and why Celestia loves Twilight.
In any case it was a good read, even with the occasional error :D

3922084 fe fif fo fum I smell the blood of a casul

3921843 Always glad to Help.

Celestia's perspective please nice more : )

this is joining the other hundred or so pics in my read later for a rainy day.
Twilestia is one of my favorite ships, right below twiluna and tied with octavia/vinyl

Wow I wasn't expecting that to be so adorable. Ah, I can't stop smiling! This is gonna leave a smile on my face for at least an hour. Great read! Awesome story.

There's a lot of potential here, which is a rarity (:raritystarry:) in and of itself; Good job.

I had an entire list of things that could have been done better, but people usually don't enjoy that; so I'll stick to parroting 3922063 in saying that the depth of Twilight's thoughts on it being wrong run a little too deep to be solved as quickly as they are. That doesn't mean that it would have to have a sad ending, just that you'd need to write a longer story. (Which I wouldn't mind at all :twilightblush:)

Whoa there is a lot of run ons in this.

Gotta say, I really enjoyed this. There were a few grammatical issues, but minor quibbles if anything at all.

Overall, very good job.:twilightsmile:

3924498 I... Know....right....?
3922357 unfortunately that mean rewriting the entire thing from scratch which I may consider at a later date. Glad you enjoyed it though.
3924491 you want more of this ? I thought it was already bloated as it was but at least you enjoyed it!
3924508 I'm amazed at this feedback. I really thought I utterly botched this and would have to take it down for repairs. Thank you oh so much!!!

That was sweet, and pretty well written too. One or two minor typos and omissions, but on the whole it was quite excellent. The story was believable, and both of them felt like they were entirely in character.

Good work. :twilightsmile:

I'd love another chapter, or two, or story please! This has so much potential.

That was lovely! Well done :twilightsmile:

this was positively adorable, i'd love to read more from you. instant follow.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

*hoofs you a box full of commas*…

The story was quite cute and, in principle, well written. I'd second the others in their suggestion to get a proof-reader, though :raritywink:

The dialogue doesn't sound very Twilight Sparkley. Or very Celsetia-y. :ajsleepy:

3924683 Thank you!!! :twilightsmile:


3924812 I'll think about it.


3925332
3925048 Thank you both! Oh and I appreciate the follow!!!


3926324 Oh don't even get me started :facehoof: This is a grammatical abomination at present. I have no idea how it got featured for like three hours. But the sentiment is welcomed. Thank you very much for your kind words. :pinkiehappy:

3926332 I believe the phrase you are looking for is 'out of character'.

3926455

I didn't even think it was that bad grammatically, apart from said lack of commas. I'm not a native speaker, though, so take that with a grain of salt. :twilightsmile:

Study had always been the centre of her work.

I think you mean...

Study had always been the center of her work.

The, happy?:pinkiehappy:

3927098 Actually, centre is the grammatically correct version for most non-American English speakers, for example British, Australian, and occasionally Canadian residents. Center is usually used in the US or by picky speakers who make the distinction between center as a location/place and centre as the middle point of an object. :twilightsheepish:

Nice story. Had just the right amount of feels for me to fave.:twilightsmile:

I enjoyed it enough to get a follow from a relative newcomer to the site. Write on. :twilightsmile:

Needs some proofreading (punctuation and missing words) and editing, but reasonable enough for a first try. Pretty... nondescript, though. Nothing to make it stand out of the crowd of other Twilestia stuff.

I want to like it, and certainly the setting is great, the concept is sound but the execution falls flat completely.

There is an overwhelming amount of errors; punctuation, grammar, etc. But that's not really the problem.

It's the word choices I think, or at least thats a great big part of it. The word choices influence a lot of the mood while the actual conversations make up the rest of the mood and that is also quite out of character in many parts. It just feels like the mood is all over the place and goes from one extreme to another, it doesn't flow naturally, it's jarring and constantly breaks the immersion.

Certainly it can be improved immensely by finding someone who would help you with editing, spelling and some minor rewriting.

Going through your own story multiple times can be a tough thing to do sometimes I know but that will also help you make the story better.

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