Have you ever heard about the theory about how subatomic particles can pop into existence at random? Well, replace subatomic particles with updates and you have my writing style in a nutshell.
Two twins who have been together their whole lives, find themselves torn apart from each other by the ravages of war. However, despite the harshness constantly thrown at them, they will endure and continue fighting, and keep finding something to keep living for.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Wait... is it over? I mean, you basically said that both of them died... Though I'm assuming that since you marked it incomplete, it will go on somehow.
Okay, so I have a few critiques to give. One, this first chapter should be more like five or six chapters at the minimum. Show, don't tell. You should show Pound rising up through the ranks, becoming more of a skilled fighter and a leader. When he leaves Sugarcube Corner, he is little more than a baker, yet he somehow manages to wipe out an entire Zebra building by himself in the very next scene? Why not show him participating in a few raids and learning combat skills? Why not show him going to military school and learning to be a general? Show us these things rather than telling us.
The story is an interesting concept, and I myself have written a story about the Cake twins being separated by a war. Also, I like how you actually attempted to make both of them actually competent at what they do besides baking. But you really need to flesh it out. Many of the Fallout stories are hundreds of thousands of words long for a reason, because they use it to focus on character development. Granted, most of them resort to (IMHO) unnecessary padding, but you have the opposite problem: your story is way too sparse.
Please feel free to respond to this comment or PM me if you have any questions or need some advice.
This is good.
Added to my group.
So is it over or is it not finished?
4043431
Pound's story is over. Pumpkin's story is going to be longer and spread out over several chapters.
Why was this Cancelled?
5290537
I was going to continue this for a little bit with happened to Pumpkin, and then a bonus chapter for Pipsqueak's life in the stable, filled with references to the main story; however, I've decided to scrap it and use those ideas for another Fallout Equestria that I'm planning.