• Published 23rd Jan 2014
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The Moonlit Rise of a Winning Pony - Luminary



Who'd have thought the path to immortality would lie through making a purple librarian cry? Cloud Kicker sure wouldn't have.

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The Perils of Adorkability

Author's Note:

This story was written as an entry for AU Month over in the Winningverse. Familiarity with The Life and Times of a Winning Pony is more or less required. The Symphony of a Winning Lyrist probably wouldn’t hurt for the next chapter, but it’s not critical.

The point of divergence is oh-so-far in, during the promotion party in the second chapter of Winning Pony.


The Moonlit Rise of a Winning Pony


“Oh no, this is terrible! If Princess Celestia thinks Rainbow Dash is trying to start the Second Lunar Rebellion, she’s going to send Rainbow to the moon! And then she’ll send me to the moon too, because I’m friends with Rainbow Dash! Or worse, she’ll send me back to magical kindergarten! But what if Celestia doesn’t find out in time, and Rainbow Dash starts a civil war? What if she wins, and becomes the new ruler of Equestria? Then she’ll send me to the moon because I’m Celestia’s student! Either way, I’M DOOMED!”

Yup, that was Twilight Sparkle, taking a scenic ride on the crazy train, right through the party celebrating my and Blossomforth’s promotions to the glories of small-town Weather Management. I looked around for Pinkie and the boss, but the two of them had walked off together into the crowd of party-attending ponies. They were still busy arguing over whether Pinkie’s honorary rank in Dash’s new tyrannical weather-militia should be cool or funny. They were way too caught up in each other to notice that Twilight was in the middle of a freak-out. Guess that means it’s up to old Cloud Kicker to fix this.

My first thought was to hit on her; a pony should play to her strengths, shouldn’t she? Dash’s voice ringing in my ear from across the room, yelling something about a cannon, changed my mind. No messing with Dash’s friends, right. It would get… complicated. And Rule Two was ‘no complications’.

So, humor was out. On to cold, mercenary manipulation of the mare who, rumors said, wanted to rebuild Ponyville in under a minute after the parasprite incident, to avoid looking bad in front of Celestia.

I put on my best and most confused-looking frown. “I always thought of Celestia as wise and kind. Doesn’t everypony? I’m kind of surprised to hear from the pony closest to her that she’s actually a bit cruel. Guess you never know what ponies are like behind closed doors.”

Success! Twilight seemed to do the mental equivalent of tripping over a rock and plowing face-first into the ground. She froze completely, and her eyes widened.

I was feeling pretty proud of myself, despite Blossom frowning up a storm in my peripheral vision. That victorious feeling faded pretty quickly when tears started to gather in the librarian’s eyes.

Horseapples.

+++++

I awkwardly patted the sulking, teary wreck that was Twilight Sparkle on the back.

Blossom was punishing me. There was no other way to explain it. She’d left me with the inconsolable unicorn. And hay, at least I could understand that. It was her party as much as mine, and she should enjoy it. On the other hoof, I hadn’t realized how utterly cruel and evil that otherwise cute little mare could be. She was distracting Pinkie Pie, chatting happily with her in a distant corner, keeping the perpetually perky party pony from seeing that Twilight was in desperate need of cheering up.

I shot Blossom a pleading look. She glared back the second Pinkie was looking somewhere else. She was good at it, too. I got the feeling I would be sleeping on the couch that week, despite not sharing a house with—or even dating—Blossom. That takes a certain skill.

It was probably a side effect of the evil.

“Celestia is the best, kindest pony in the world,” a voice beside me grumped, between sniffles.

Right. The librarian I just traumatized. “I know she is,” I assured her, uselessly.

“She just has a really bad student.” Twilight buried her muzzle between her forelegs, against the table she’d claimed. Her ears splayed. When she continued, her voice was muffled. “She’s perfect. How do you even live up to that?”

I made with the patting again. “Not sure. You’d probably have to, I don’t know, save the world a few times or something. You’d probably be set, then.”

Twilight looked up from her wallowing. There was a fragile little smile on her lips, which I took as a sign that Celestia really is a kind and merciful Princess, who watches over her imperilled ponies. That was pretty relevant to the topic at hoof, too.

Desperate to save my party experience—and to look like less of a mule—I took that glimmer of hope and ran with it. “Nopony’s perfect, Twilight.” I reached out to brush at the unicorn’s cheeks with a fetlock, wiping some of the moisture of her tears away. I’d like to say that it was a purely motherly gesture. Or even that it was some angle to get her into bed, rule-breaking or not. But really? I figured my chances of getting out of this alive were drastically increased if I cheered her up before Dash came by and noticed that her friend was a sobbing mess thanks to me. “But c’mon now. I can’t think of anypony who would make Celestia more proud. Hay, she trusts you with the safety of her whole kingdom, doesn’t she?”

The happy blush? Good sign. The increasingly nervous ear-flick when I reminded her of crushing responsibility? Less good. I could relate, at this point. Every time I saw a lot of colours in my peripheral vision, I had visions of Rainbow sending me off to the unemployment line. Not a good thing in a room full of colourful ponyfolk.

I gave her a little nudge with my foreleg. “I bet she has you working on something right now.” Hopefully something really non-stressful, like that practice with magicking up some topiaries that I saw her doing with Rarity the other day, while I was cloud-busting.

Twilight wiped at her nose with a foreleg and straightened up a little. “She has me looking into the differences between the tribes. She probably wants me to appreciate the differences among my friends. The anatomical incongruities between the subspecies of ponykind alone are pretty fascinating.” She seemed right at home with this sort of topic. I fought down the urge to cheer.

Heck, I even felt a little grin creeping up onto my muzzle. “Sure is. Pony anatomy is one of my favorite things to study. The closer the better.”

She nodded her head enthusiastically. The implication flew right over Twilight’s head, which was just endlessly cute. “The polymorphism is really drastic. Most other races would probably have undergone speciation by this point. The fact that ponies can even interbreed is really more a function of magic than—”

I sort of zoned out, especially once my attempt to insert a joke about breeding was plowed over by the stream of science-blather.

“—should come by sometime, if you’re interested in the topic. We could study together!” she finished, some time later. I blinked, looking forlornly over as the last of the muffin tray was picked clean by Derpy, across the room. I lucked out enough to look back right when Twilight was clapping her forehooves together, a gleeful smile on her face.

I think my heart might have seized up for a beat or two. It was no less adorable the second time she spotted a potential study buddy in one day, apparently.

I glanced out through Sugarcube Corner’s display window, trying to spot the fireball screaming down from the sun to smite me where I sat for the impure thoughts I was having about Celestia’s student. She must have been giving me a second chance at life.

“Sounds like fun. I might take you up on that,” I lied, breezily. I liked poring over mind-numbingly boring medical textbooks as much as the next pony. It was just hard to enjoy a good, long death-march through academia when wondering if the Princess or Rainbow Dash would be killing you first, if you screwed up. I stood up and gave my wings a little stretch before resettling them. “But I should get back to my party. Never enough Cloud Kicker to go around.”

Twilight gave an understanding nod of her head. She was still smiling, thankfully, once again confirming that the universe was a caring and ultimately benevolent place. “Of course. Sorry to take up so much of your time. It was nice to meet you.”

I shot her a winning smile. “It was really nice to be able to put a voice to all of Dash’s stories. And to get a better look at you than just seeing you up on the town hall stage. You’re even cuter up close.” As I turned and started off toward my treasonous green and pink Blossom, I let my tail ‘accidentally’ brush up against Twilight’s side.

What can I say? I’m weak.

“Dash talks about me? What sort of sto—” She stopped as her brain caught up with the ‘cute’ part. “W-wait. What?”

Grinning to myself, I kept on toward the crowd, not looking back. There were other ponies to tease. Ones who really, really had it coming.

+++++

The promotion party was a huge success!

Or so I heard. For me it was a series of strike-outs, which served me right. I’d spent far too much time teasing Blossom into a shaky, blushing mess, and put off trying my hoof at snagging company until the very last second. You know, after most of the particularly pretty ponies who were looking for a fun night had already found their prospects?

Even some of my reliable standbys, like Lyra and Bon Bon, were otherwise spoken for. Lyra was on one of her bi-monthly quests to find something to have a big romantic celebration with her marefriend about. I think now she was celebrating the anniversary of hearing ‘their’ song for the first time.

Equestria Girls wasn’t even that great a song. Sapphire Shores should have been put in prison. I’d been seeing mares wearing bikinis at the lake since that single came out. It was criminal to cover a mare up like that.

Almost as criminal as having a tragically cold bed for the last five nights in a row.

And to make matters worse, I don’t even think that was their song. Lyra likes that slow, romantic, classical stuff, for Bon-romance… or Cloud-romance, for that matter. The kind you can hold another pony close while dancing to. She probably just claimed it was theirs as a pretense to get the candles out.

I slumped down, almost spilling myself off my pity-cloud, which was currently drifting low over the town square. I considered flapping my wings to send it off in the direction of Sugarcube Corner.

I didn’t do pity sex. Waaaay too much emotional complication. Pinkie Pie, sweet angel of mercy that she was, didn’t subscribe to my infinite wisdom. She would leap, probably literally, at the chance to put a smile on my sulking face.

Except she was with Dash now, thanks to me. And Dash isn’t really the ‘sharing’ type. The demise of my soul via my own benevolence very obviously proved the universe was an uncaring and merciless place.

I groaned in melodramatic dismay, burying my muzzle in cloudfluff. I sullenly looked up, noting that the cloud was heading right for the beacon of architectural weirdness that was the town library-tree. I did nothing to change its path. It suited my mood to crash into the tree and go down in a fiery blaze of glory. At least it would be exciting.

Five minutes later, the cloud had made it the remaining fifty hooves to the tree. I crashed into it face-first. I barely felt the devastation wrought by the collision. The cloud lazily bounced off and drifted some other way at a snail’s pace. I sighed.

A nearby window in the tree opened as Twilight Sparkle poked her head out to witness the disaster. Oh, the equinity. I waved a hoof with a dejected lack of energy.

“Oh, hello Cloud Kicker!” she chirped, with the brightest smile ever on her cute little purple face. There should be a law against that sort of thing when someone’s trying to wallow in whatever it is ponies wallow in. Jelly, possibly, going by my last date. “How come pegasi never just use the door? Did you come here to catch up on your anatomical studies?”

Noooo. I wasn’t done with the self-pity. I mentally hugged it close as it died a horrible death in my imaginary forelegs.

“Yes,” I said, defeated. Apparently it was possible for one to be so bored that medical textbooks sounded like an oasis of hedonistic enjoyment. “If you give me something to do, I’ll happily study your anatomy in any way you want me to.”

Twilight giggled. Who knew that only my worst jokes would get through to her? Still, it was better than Dash. If I didn’t know for certain that Pinkie adored it, I’d think innuendo blindness was one of the prerequisites of using the Elements of Harmony. Maybe there was hope for our heroes yet.

“Oh, I wish the medical books were all from my personal collection. They belong to Ponyville. Come down to the front door, I’ll meet you there.”

Maybe not.

With a shrug, I flopped from the cloud, lazily beating my wings to half-heartedly avoid plummeting to my death.

+++++

It was every bit as bad as I’d feared.

At least, that’s what I’d expected to say. As it turns out, I was wrong about that. Who’d have guessed?

Not only was Twilight Sparkle going to save my sanity, she was going to feed me. And right at that moment, I was fully behind the old earth pony saying that the way to a pony’s heart was through her stomach.

“Oh, sweet Celestia…” I worshipfully whispered around a mouthful of toast. The religious mention was particularly apt, I thought. Time shrank down toward one perfect moment. Clear, pure, appley sweetness revealed itself to my tastebuds to the song of a choir of angel ponies.

Twilight giggled, between nibbles at her own toast. “Granny Smith, actually. She makes that jelly for the Apple family. I thought it was a very sweet gesture when AJ gave it to me for my birthday.”

I made some kind of acknowledging sound. Probably. Suddenly my last paramour’s obsession made sense. He must have tasted some of the Apple Family Special Preserve Reserve here, and had whole new vistas of jelly-based reality opened to him. He’d spent the rest of his life just trying to recapture that moment. “I think I can taste every beautiful ray of sun that hit the apple tree as it was growing.”

“I’ll be sure to send the Princess your thanks in my next letter.”

I forced my likely shaking hooves to put the toast down. The jelly spread across the bread glimmered invitingly back at me. I imagined the light shone from within its hallowed, gooey structure. If I didn’t put it down, that jelly would consume me. There would be nothing left but a snarling, feral Cloud Kicker, haunting the misty orchards of Sweet Apple Acres, sinking her fangs into any passing apple, forever. “Forget the letter. I think I’m going to go visit the Royal Court just to kiss her.” Sure, it was Granny Smith’s doing, but kissing her would be infinitely less appealing.

“That’d be popular,” Twilight said. I would have thought it would be impossible to distill quite as much sarcasm as that into three words. Then again, I never thought you could make bliss itself into something you could put on toast. “I bet the Royal Guard love it when ponies molest Princess Celestia.”

I dabbed at my lips with a napkin, and carefully inspected it afterward to make sure no rapturous appleness escaped on it. I’m ashamed to say that there was a good chance that I’d have eaten the napkin if it had. “I figure it’s equal odds that I’ll end up in a dungeon, or on a date. Could be worth the risk.”

Twilight looked absolutely aghast. “Celestia doesn’t date.”

“She had a thing with Shadow Kicker.”

The unicorn stomped a hoof down vehemently. The stubborn look she was shooting me might have had a bit more force if she wasn’t so small, cute, and nerdy. “There is no historical backing for that at all. It’s all just rumor and conjecture. They were close, sure, but there’s no sign that it was anything but platonic.”

I gave a shrug of my shoulders. “Celestia’s a mare. I imagine she has the same needs as anypony else. A thousand years is a long time to go without some company.” I smiled slyly. “Besides, I think we’ve all heard the rumors of the harem.”

Okay, I lied. There weren’t any rumors. They were drunken fantasies ponies kept to themselves, at best. Putting the Princess in that sort of light simply wasn’t done. I really just wanted to see Twilight squirm.

I got my wish. A rosy colour started to creep in at the base of Twilight’s muzzle. “There’s no harem!” she said, with a small hint of panic. “I haven’t even seen her date in my whole life.”

I raised my hoof to tap it against my chin. “Ponies are probably just too scared. Definitely think I should try my luck. Even my mother would have to respect me becoming Princess Cloud Kicker.” I paused, showily, tilting my head in Twilight’s direction. “But I’m not the kind of mare to shoulder someone aside. If you were planning to go for it, I’ll stay away.”

Twilight’s little blush became far more fiery. It crept down along her cheeks, and her ears reddened dramatically. “S-she’s my teacher! She practically raised me!”

“A teacher who happens to be the most beautiful and wildly perfect mare in Equestria,” I pointed out, helpfully. “You’d have to have a heart of stone not to have thought about it. And you don’t strike me as that type, Twilight.”

I wasn’t sure if Twilight was going to die of shame right in front of me, or scream and run off. Or maybe she’d just light me on fire. I don’t think she knew how things were going to go, either. It was just too much. The snickers and cut-short chuckles were starting to creep out, no matter how hard I clamped my lips down and tried to keep a straight face.

Twilight blinked. “You’re just trying to provoke me, aren’t you?”

“Yes.” I managed. Yeah, there was no helping it, I was about to break out into laughter.

Something stung the tip of my muzzle, making me yelp. Whatever hit me bounced against the table and landed on the sacred toast. I examined it while rubbing my nose. It was a sugarcube set out for the coffee brewing in the kitchen. Magenta magic was still wisping off of it.

“Aww, that’s so sweet of you!” I said, leaning forward to eat the sugarcube. Puns were the mainstay of pony humor. The joking stopped right about then; the sugarcube had some of that jelly on it. I think I trembled a little as it melted in my mouth. It took a while before I managed to speak again, and shoot the unicorn a smile. “Good throw, by the way.”

She giggled, lifting a hoof in front of her muzzle. It was even cuter than the blush. Totally worth the sore nose. “You’re Rainbow’s friend, all right.”

+++++

Grey Mane’s Anatomy is a classic medical text!” Twilight, voice raised, shoved the thick book across the stump-table with jab of her hoof. “We were lucky to get a reproduction of the second edition.”

I put a little weight forward to shove the book back toward her. I was bigger, stronger, and my work didn’t involve pushing things around with my horn all day. Suffice to say, it bumped back into her chest. “And by ‘classic,’ I guess you mean ‘obsolete’. Trust someone who knows, that isn’t how pegasus flight works.”

Twilight picked the book up and cradled it to herself like a mother would a foal. “They didn’t have a very good grasp of non-unicorn magic back then. But it doesn’t matter. This is just how it’s taught. You start with the foundations, and lies-to-foals, because it’s easier in the long run!”

“Do I look like a foal to you?” I snapped back, flapping my wings to free up my forelegs, so I could cross them resolutely.

“Right now?” she said, looking me over. “A little bit, yeah.”

Ouch. I felt a grin creeping up onto my muzzle. I settled my hooves back onto the ground. “Good one,” I conceded. She started to put the book back onto the table, so I cut in, “But I’m still not going to read that book.”

She made a little frustrated sound at the back of her throat and spun around to go search out another. I just quietly admired the view.

+++++

Twilight Sparkle narrowed her eyes, the edge of her lips curling upward in a victorious smirk.

Seriously, she’d be the worst pony in the world at cards. I kept my own face passive.

“Pegasus assassin at M9,” she all but purred. She was really hot when she was thinking she was all evil. She triumphantly flipped over one of the flat, rounded stones that made up the Schism tokens.

I glanced at my private board for comparison, picked the long token-fork in my mouth, and used it to flip over one of my stones on the main board. She groaned even before I could make my announcement. I could hear her face hitting the table behind her board. “Unicorn warlock hunter.”

I really hadn’t expected Twilight to have a Schism set. It was a pretty obscure wargame. I've rarely seen a board outside West Hoof. Though I could see the complexity being a draw for a mare like her. It was a game of small unit tactics between two large armies. It was all about reconnaissance, counter-intelligence, dirty tricks, and sneaky traps, with the main armies playing nothing more than obstacles.

“How do you keep doing that?” said Twilight's gameboard in a grumpy librarian voice.

“You’d be a great Battle Clouds player. Not so much Schism.”

A purple horn rose above the wooden gameboard like the fin of a surfacing shark. The flat look came up just after it. Apparently Twilight didn’t like being told she should stick to foal’s games.

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Sorry. But it’s true. The way you searched the board was really efficient. Perfect for Battle Clouds. And how you did it to try and drive my general to that spot would have caught a lot of players unaware.” I shrugged. “The ‘safe’ spot in your searches seemed pretty obvious. My ancestors were sneaky. I have a reputation to uphold.”

Points to the little unicorn wizard for not getting defensive about it. If anything, she looked thoughtful. She gave a resolute nod. “Sneaky. I can do sneaky. I was taught by the best.”

“Aren’t you girls supposed to be studying?” asked Spike, a tiny dragon who was apparently Twilight’s maid, or something, judging by the frilly pink apron and the feather duster.

I gave a sidelong look at the stack of books resting on the edge of the table. “I needed a break, before my eyes started to bleed, and my brain melted and poured out of my ears,” I explained, matter-of-factly.

“I don’t think you’re going to make it here, sister,” the dragon replied, gravely. “Twilight chews up and spits out study partners like you.”

“Spike!” The rebuke was automatic and instant. She dissolved into nervous laughter after that. “Don’t listen to him. You’re doing very well.”

Feeling like a dog that just got a pat on the head for trying not to pee in the house, I folded back my ears and leaned forward to take the spine of one of the books in my mouth. I set it down in front of me. “No, he’s right. It was a fun break, but I guess we should get back to it.”

+++++

Maybe it was the desperation at work, but I was curled up in a little cushioned window nook, with the setting sun warming my coat, and a book in my forelegs. I was perfectly content, and feeling just as perfectly relaxed. It wasn’t the sort of condition I was normally in… at least, not before I had three ponies exhaustedly panting for breath around me.

Aside from that particular night in Las Pegasus, I couldn’t remember feeling so… peaceful.

I shifted one lazily drooping wing to brush its pinions against my mood-lifting purple angel’s side. “Have you ever felt just inspired by what you’ve learned?” I mused to the unicorn lying on the wooden floor below me, sharing my patch of orange sunlight.

Twilight nodded, her eyes almost glimmering with dorky delight. I swear, I felt like kissing her right then. The light was shining down on her, outlining that Canterlot profile. There was simple pleasure in her expression. Even her cute, nerdy manecut was a little mussed where her head had been propped against the wooden wall, which apparently was doing it for me. The—

“Oh great, now she’s going to go on all night about when she spent two months making that flower clock with the gardeners for Celestia’s birthday,” a youthful voice complained.

—the minor-slash-little-brother-slash-dragon-servant sitting nearby. Yeah, that last one was a mood-killer.

Twilight gave Spike a flat look before turning her attention back to me. She was still cute, but the moment of insanity on my part had passed. “I have, actually. All the time. Knowledge is its own reward, but finding something practical to do with it? That’s magic.”

“Yeah, magic.” I fondly patted the book I was reading. “I think it will be.”

Twilight, overcome with curiosity, stretched herself up to take a peek at the book I was reading. “Hmm? You’re reading about wings? What do you plan to do with that?”

+++++

“I think you broke her,” Cloudchaser said, poking a hoof at her ‘little’ sister’s side.

Surveying my hoofiwork, I could see why she’d say that. Flitter was face-down on the bed, breathing hard. Her wings were splayed out messily, her feathers matted and out of place. Her normally flowing mane was distinctly less than tidy. I could see just a little bit of the dazed, blissful look on her face.

I sat back, as proud as could be. I raised a hoof to brush back my mane, and gave a little puff of breath, blowing a tiny, downy feather—so similar to the colour of my own—from between my lips. “Don’t think that’s how she’d describe it,” I boasted, without a shred of shame.

Flitter made a happy, answering little squeak that sounded like agreement.

“What’d you do to her?” Cloudchaser asked, in a tone of nearly fearful, excited fascination.

“Magic,” I answered, cryptically. “The magic of knowledge. Kicker clan secret. But you were there, you saw it.”

And I was more than happy to say that. I think that memory will keep me warm on many a cold night. Cloudchaser holding her sister’s head to her chest with her forelegs, stroking her mane while Flitter wailed and cried out. Cloudchaser crooning comfortingly into her ear in return. Celestia, did I love the noisy ones. I’ll probably be getting an earful about it tomorrow from Cherry Berry, next door. On the other hoof, twins. So who cares?

I felt my cheeks warm, and my wings start to rise at the five-minute-old nostalgia. Cloudchaser noticed, and hope sparked in her eyes, along with a certain nervousness, like a non-pegasus pony about to skydive from a balloon.

“Do… do you think you could work that magic again?” Cloudchaser asked.

I nodded solemnly, then leapt across the intervening few hoofspans on the bed, driving the yet-unravished twin down under me, in a fit of giggles.

+++++

Equ-est-ria girls, we’re kind of magical,” I sang, loudly and probably off-key, as I burst through the library doors the next day, my wings beating to keep my forelegs off the ground.

A did a little spin on a hoof, and dropped a bouquet of daisies on top of the book that a rather shocked Twilight Sparkle had been reading. I didn’t explain, of course. I needed to sing more. “Boots on hooves, biHMPH—”

Take it from a pony who now knows, having your lips transmuted into a zipper and then having them zipped shut is exactly as disturbing as it sounds. Luckily, they seemed to change back after my panicked unzipping. It’s not easy to do that with hooves when you’re freaking out, though. I’d probably have split my lip, accidentally, if it wasn’t horrifyingly metallic.

“Cloud Kicker, what’s this about?” Twilight asked, with all the calmness of someone who lives down the street from Pinkie Pie.

I was too busy touching my lips in dismay. “That doesn’t have any permanent side effects, does it? If these lips get damaged, there’s going to be a riot in Ponyville. Mares and stallions will be weeping in the street, Twilight. And it’ll be all your fault.”

“No side effects, you’ll live. Weep-free.” I can’t fault her dry delivery. She repeated, “Cloud Kicker, what’s this about?” She pointed a hoof down at the flowers, almost accusingly. “I talked to Rainbow about you. And I’m not interested in ‘banging’.”

I rolled my eyes. “Well, at least I don’t have to be worried that Dash said nice things about me.” I shook my head. Rainbow Dash getting a hoof upside her colourful head was a matter for another time. “Nope, that isn’t an invitation to a date, my fair librarian. That’s a thank you gift. Pinkie was… less than helpful, so I asked Rarity what your favorite flavor of flower was.”

I paused, then added, “Um, I wasn’t actually able to convince her that it wasn’t a come-on, either. So I’m sorry if she bothers you about it. I wasn’t really expecting her to be so… intense. But I think you might get a free ‘first date’ dress out of it, at least?”

Twilight’s ears pinned back. I couldn’t blame her. Then again, maybe it was less about Rarity and more about me, since her tone of voice carried more than a little suspicion. “A ‘thank you’ for what?”

I threw my foreleg chummily around Twilight. She stiffened up. She probably wouldn’t have done so yesterday—thanks, Rainbow!—but it was familiar ground, at least. Very Blossomy. I made a grandiose sweeping motion with a hoof. “For the knowledge.”

“Did you help a pegasus fly?” she asked, hopefully.

I nodded my head, holding back a snicker. “Higher than they ever have before. You know that phrase, ‘The sky’s the limit’? Yeah, way past that.”

Never underestimate a pony’s ability to believe what they want to. Twilight seemed to mull it over, for a moment. “Well, just be careful. Not even pegasi can handle it when the air gets too rarified.”

“They had some trouble breathing, sure. But it was all worth it. You made for some happy ponies, Twilight Sparkle. Most notably and especially, one Cloud Kicker, famous for being the most loveable and loving pony in Ponyville.” I leaned in to give her cheek a cheerfully friendly nuzzle. She twitched away, just a little, but I guess my enthusiasm was infectious, because she was grinning a little anyway. I added the proverbial cherry on top. “Want to do some more studying?”

She didn’t clap, to my eternal regret, but she did beam at me. Some ponies are just plain easy to please. For the rest, I have the new and improved Cloud Kicker Magic (still pegasi only). “What’s it going to be today?”

“Unicorns,” I said, with a firm nod.

And ‘lo, unicorns it was. My world became all about the comforting smell of aged paper, the biting scent of ink, the occasional stolen daisy petal, and lots and lots of really gross pictures of ponies missing various layers. Not just layers of clothes, unfortunately. The artists of those anatomy textbooks really needed to get out more... or maybe less, for the safety of all ponykind.

I tried to convince myself that I was taking a break from the gore whenever I looked over the top of my book at Twilight Sparkle. After all, that made sense; I could use a bit of that serious, studious adorkability to recharge my batteries for more nastiness. It was around the time when I spent a few minutes watching her nibble at the end of a quill as she read that I realized there was no use denying it.

The jaded mistress of all things banging in Ponyville, the pony who wouldn’t blink at any kink, had a schoolfilly crush on a librarian. A librarian whom she barely knew, and who was off-limits.

No diamond dogs. No friends of the boss. And surely nopony who was reputed to be like a daughter to the Living Sun herself.

Then again, it would be nice to pay Shining Armor back for taking my father’s job by ravishing his sister with a beautiful, terrifying thoroughness that no other mare had ever experienced before. And lived.

I groaned inwardly and buried my muzzle against a long-winded explanation of some squiggly internal organ. Don’t think about sexy purple nerds, Cloud. Or ravishment.

I thought about it anyway, only half-paying attention to my ‘studying’.

“I think I found what you’re looking for.”

I glanced up from a rather horrible diagram of what used to be one of my favorite parts of a pony. It threatened to make me want to give up my wicked ways and move into one of the ancient Solar monasteries. “A pony with a tongue immune to cramping and tiring?”

Twilight made a face. Hey, she caught one! “No. The supraclavicular nerve.”

I blinked at her in a way that was probably less than intelligent. Luckily, my mouth was there to pick up the slack. “Wha?”

“You were looking for areas that would be responsible for magical flow inside of a unicorn. The spine does most of that, of course, but the supraclavicular nerves are highly developed compared to pegasi or earth ponies. They help move the internal magic from the chest and forelegs to the horn.”

“Do you happen to know the phrase, ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’?” I sweetly asked.

She gave me a flat look that I was pretty close to permanently dubbing ‘The Twilight Sparkle,’ and spun the book she was levitating to face me. More pictures of ponies without skin. Yay.

After a few moments of peering and studying, I came to a conclusion: “The neck and head?”

Hay, no problems there. What pony doesn’t like getting their neck nibbled on? Lyra was a sucker for anything around that area. Kissing. Biting. Ears. Throat. That big, obvious thing sticking out of her forehead.

Yeah. Okay, that one really should have been a no-brainer.

Still, everypony was different. There was no need to go jumping to conclusions. “My theory is looking pretty good. We clearly need to do a bit of testing,” I stated, in my best academic tone.

Stop, Cloud Kicker. No. Worst idea you’ve ever had.

The cute little librarian got an equally cute little smile on her face at the mention of testing. There’s something really attractive about a pony who’s easy to please, with big, obvious buttons to be pushed. Take that however you like.

“Testing?” Twilight said. “What theory are we trying to prove?”

I walked around the strange table of living wood we were studying on, and sit myself down on my haunches in front of Twi.

Abort, Cloud Kicker. Doom is assured.

“Whether or not magic-carrying capacity relates to sense-reception,” my traitorous mouth said, in science-ese, proving that it was in cahoots with some likewise-disloyal part of my brain.

Twilight gave me a suspicious look. “This isn’t some soldier thing, is it? I’m not letting you hit me in the horn. I don’t need a book to tell you that it really hurts.”

“You really have been asking after me, haven’t you? I’m flattered!” I gave her a bright grin, but followed it by making a shooing-away gesture with a hoof, to cut short her inevitable denial. “But no. West Hoof pretty much covered the basics about what happens when violence meets necks and faces. We’ve got that subject squared away.”

“Then what’s the test?” She had one ear folded back, and her head was tilted just slightly to the side. It was the perfect expression of eager curiosity.

“We see how the area feels for a unicorn. Simple.” I’m pretty sure I should have been underlit at that point, as if I was telling ghost stories around a lantern. The little Cloud Kicker in white on my shoulder was shrieking in my ear. But the other Cloud—presumably in Domarenatrix black—was whispering far more effectively in the opposite one about how completely adorable Twilight Sparkle actually was.

“Well, we’ll need control groups of non-unicorn ponies, and a fairly large sample siIZE—!” Twilight’s voice rose to something that was almost a yelp as I dipped my head forward. A forehoof rose to delicately press toward one side of her neck, while my muzzle found the other.

“I already know what most ponies feel.” I murmured against her coat. The movement of my lips must have been almost like a kiss. My nose was filled with the scent of clean fur, and the mild aroma of rose water. Huh. I’d have expected lavender. It was in fashion to match scent to coat colour. Guess I’d have to bring my own bottle over.

I didn’t exactly nip, but I captured a sliver of her coat, just barely. My lip brushed against the skin below. At the top of my vision, I saw her ears lifting in surprise. She didn’t say anything, though. I took that as a good sign. I lifted my muzzle slightly, brushing my lips along the curve of her jaw. It was easy to appreciate that. The graceful line of it screamed of her good Canterlot breeding. It was a beautifully refined, aristocratic shape for a very unaristocratic pony. She made a sweet little noise at the back of her throat, one that reminded me all too much of the good old days of Flight Camp.

Yeah, I was doomed. Dash was going to scoop my house up with a tornado. White-robed Cloudy was right. But it was so very hard to care about the whiny little nag.

I let my hoof gently brush against Twilight’s cheek as I lifted my muzzle away. She leaned slightly forward, as if chasing that contact. A little smile tugged at my lips. And her? She looked more dazed than anything. Her eyes were closed, and I could feel her breath coming quickly. Her ears were still frozen at attention. Her lips moved, just barely, as if starting to sound things out. It was a beautiful thing.

She started to open her eyes. It would take her out of the moment, I was sure. So I brought an end to that risk, and closed that tiny gap between us once again. I pressed a downy-soft kiss against the corner of her lips. Then another, closer to center. By the third, she was ready for it.

Twilight wasn’t much of a kisser. Not really a big surprise there. From what I got from Rarity’s dating advice, Twi was inexperienced. At this point, I was more than willing to find it endearing. She was a little slow to respond, but hey, she probably wasn’t used to situations where she didn’t study first. Besides, I could kiss well enough for the both of us. My hoof trailed back toward her ruler-straight mane, more than ready to take my place as the lead mare of this little dance.

My vision was suddenly awash with magenta light. I found myself rising off the ground and floating away from Twilight. I could barely feel her magic. Her levitation was remarkably delicate. Her eyes were open now, her expression a confused mix of emotions. She raised a hoof to touch it to her lips.

“Twilight…” I began, beating my wings. I’m not a weak flyer by any stretch. Normally, I could bull my way right out of a unicorn’s grip. Levitation wasn’t terribly stable when ponies wanted out and started actively resisting. Pegasi and earth ponies aren’t nearly so lacking in magic as some unicorns like to think.

I might as well have been trying to fly through a brick wall. I didn’t move in any direction but backward, at the exact same speed as before I started flapping my wings. I froze in shock, looking back at them in disbelief. Unicorns at West Hoof were taught not to bother with combat levitation for a reason, and the rest of us were sure as hay taught what to do if some misguided civvy tried his luck.

Apparently, nopony gave Twilight Sparkle a copy of the West Hoof manuals informing her that it was impossible to hold me.

All of those years of military training served me well; I floated there in shock, like an idiot, until I found my rump bouncing along the ground a dozen paces from the front door of the library. The door closed in what wasn’t quite a slam. As if that would stop me. Closed doors are earth pony thinking. I spied an open window on the second floor of the tree and gathered myself up. A buck-up like this didn’t improve with time.

I didn’t waste that time kicking myself. I took wing and arrowed up toward the window. I was barely able to stop in time to save my face from slamming into the bubble of solid magenta light that shimmered into being like a colourful soap bubble around the library.

Suffice to say, the rumors that would be making the rounds tomorrow wouldn’t be flattering, given what happened after that. I couldn’t imagine my legs would be feeling that great, either.

My nightmarish imaginings of a sullen Raindrops telling Dash about me pounding my hooves against her friend’s shield for twenty minutes, shouting about a kiss, didn’t end well. Still, they might have been better than my fears about tearful letters to Princess Celestia, and her demanding my presence in the palace to chew me out in front of the Court.

My parents would love this one. Finally, an epic screw-up to top going AWOL from West Hoof. You couldn’t say I wasn’t ambitious.