• Member Since 22nd Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen Last Friday

Rumble


No matter your age, everyone has the potential to be a great writer. You aim high and reach higher. We can all be awesome as long as we never give up.

Sequels1

E

Soarin has wanted to help a certain rainbow maned mare for a while now after all she has done for him. Not just in the recent Equestria Games Trials, but even as far back as the Best Young Flyer Competition.

Now he has found a way to pay her back, but never in his life did he expect a rollercoaster ride such as this.


Thanks to: TheShadow for editing.
Thanks also to: KrishnaKarnak and SolidFire Cover art by: xnightmelody

Chapters (14)
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Comments ( 473 )

So cute!:rainbowkiss: the d'awws!:heart:

Too much cuteness, you've earned a favorite and a thumbs up from me. :raritywink:

That's my phone wallpaper right now ^.^

That's my phone wallpaper right now ^.^

3848704 thank you, I appreciate that :scootangel: ~Alex

3848713 I'm not surprised it's an epic picture! :rainbowkiss: ~Alex

3848718 You're very welcome, keep up the good work! :twilightblush:

If you're as good with RD/Soarin as you are with RD/Spitfire, then this will be a nice read :-)

3848910 well I hope I am, thanks ~Alex

I've been waiting to say this! Congrats on you're featured!

Ooh, shocking. Another Rainbow ship by ShadowBlades. :rainbowlaugh: Can't wait to get started reading this one.
Y'know, I was sure I had followed you after reading Raining Fire. ... Oh well, it's nothing that can't be fixed now.

3848948 2nd in a row I'm buzzing! but I can't be this good.

3848961 Hah Rainbow ship...thats all I ever do, but thanks for the watch, always appreciated. ~Alex

3848972 I know I'm so excited! again...for the 3rd time now :rainbowhuh: :derpyderp2: :derpytongue2: I can't really get my head around it...

3848962
Bro you're damn good.:rainbowkiss:

congrats on being featured! your on fire lol

I hope you don't think I'm copying you, but in my next chapter I\m going to talk about both Soarin not being the racing type, and he'll have a similar flirtatious race with Dash. It was already in my plans, though.
Great read so far, by the way!

3849110 well of course I don't mind since your my fave writer I mean just make sure it isn't plagiarism though would break me if you were to get in trouble for that :twilightoops: still as long as it's not the exact same I don't mind ~Alex

3849118 Oh no, not at all like that. The next chapter is actually more dialogue than description, so it will be different. But, I mean, our ideas came from the same episode, so of course they'd be similar :twilightsheepish:
I'm really glad this will be a long story.

3849127 well one-shots arn't all my thing so long storys are much more my style, but anyways thanks for the fave it means a lot. :scootangel:

3849133 No worries! Reading similar stories helps me when I get stuck on inspiration, so it helps me a lot to see another good one :twilightblush:

I love how everything they say to each other is some kind of blatant flirting XD

Oh good lord...
Oh good lord...
That beginning is how my story ends...
Oh God...

Not 100% the same, but the idea is the same.

3849150 Damn Toronto spoliers I love your new fic don't give away clues! :rainbowhuh: but uh as I say I don't mind at all dude your one of my fave writers so :scootangel:

Fun fact: This is the only thing I've read on the date of release!
So far, I'm squee-ing at everything Soarin does. He's my favourite pony, Discord being my favourite 'animal' and Zecora as my favourite..... 'Pony-like creature'.
... They need Soarin emoticons, but I might as well just do this: :rainbowkiss: :pinkiehappy: :twilightsheepish: :twilightsmile: :yay: :eeyup:

3849191 haha I'm glad your liking the fic so far ~Alex

now i know why i love reading the comment section. always somethin going on lol

NEW RECORD! The first place award for fastest update in one day goes to... SHADOWBLADES! Posted two chapters in under 2 hours! GREAT JOB! If I was on my laptop, I'd give you the 20% cooler and rainbow dash stamp of approval

3849237 lol, thanks it means a lot ~Alex

Ok, this is a good story so far, but I prefer pointing out flaws rather than pointless praise. Rest assured I did enjoy this story.

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: A lot of it. My general rule of thumb is that you can use identifiers when one of two conditions is met. One, the character has not been introduced by name yet. A new character meeting Rainbow Dash for the first time would be appropriate time to describe in such a way. Two, the modifier is directly relevant to the sentence. For example, I would be OK with addressing Dash as 'the pegasus' if she is doing something like extending her wings or some sort. When you address her as 'the mare' without her doing something for which that description is relevant, it is not appropriate.

Continuity: Ponyville is the closest town to Canterlot. I don't think that would make it on the 'outskirts' of Equestria. That is a tiny problem, but it just irked me.

Dash does not giggle often. I'm of the mind that she would have a more boisterous laugh, and that her showing her feminine side through giggles should be reserved for a more appropriate scenes.

Syntax and Grammar:

It was why he was accepted into the Bolts over the other applicants because of his style in creating new moves more to just how fast you could fly.

Could use a comma in there. There are more of them, but this is just outlining things to watch out for.

You did a little bit of 'emotion telling'. You want to avoid using emotions in descriptions. It was minor enough that I could ignore it, however.

Said is the universal speech descriptor. I used to like doing the others, because using the same word in repetition is a major writing faux paus. However, said actually serves a very useful purpose. The idea of the speech descriptor is to inform the tone of voice with as little interruption as possible. If they are speaking in a plain way, said does this best. Most readers will just glaze right over it. Stated, commented or began all require more thought, and can kill immersion. You should only use a different descriptor if they way they are speaking requires it.

Shouted, screamed, questioned, asked, etc. Those words provide inflection, which is important. Of note, it is OK to add a modifier WITH said, if appropriate.

EG: Rainbow said coyly.

All in all, I see a promising story here. Keep up the good work and keep improving!

-Lumino

3849277 Wow dude, I must say thank you for the feedback, I did not expect such a great writer as yourself to stumble across my work. I will take note of all that you have said and take it to heart my friend, I must thank you for commenting cause I can tell it took your more than just 3 seconds to write it. Thank you for liking the story as well. ~Alex

3849289

A story has to show promise for me to spend time trying to critique it. I'm of the mind that being good isn't what should be respected, effort is. You tried, you fell short on a few points, but you welcomed critique. That's something to always be respected, and I'm happy to help.

Also, me? A great writer? When the hell did that happen?

-Lumino

3849317 Um...long story, but to me at least you are a great writer...and I'm glad you think I have promise I will try my best to change these points around for the next chapter ~Alex

More, i need more....GIVE ME MORE!!!

3849277

Dash does not giggle often. I'm of the mind that she would have a more boisterous laugh, and that her showing her feminine side through giggles should be reserved for a more appropriate scenes.

Dash sat up as she raised her eyebrow. “Oh, you did, huh? Well, that’d be kinda awesome,” she admitted with the smallest of blushes.

If anything has turned me away from this story, it's this.

I enjoy a good shipping story now and then. Unfortunately they tend to be rare, and the above is the reason why. Romance fanfic writers tend to throw out proper characterization and turn their characters into blushing, giggling idiots. Something straight out of junior high.

I'm not saying this story is bad, but right now it's average at best.

Rainbow watched as the stallion neared the lightning and she stood in position getting ready to catch him if he fell

Just my opinion, but I feel like there should be a comma before "getting".

Um, maybe you should calm down first,” Twilight said putting a hoof around the mare’s shoulder as she breathed in heavy gulps. All eyes then turned to Fluttershy, the mare shying away from the crowd slightly, but when she saw Soarin’s warm smile she came out of her shell slightly. “I’m uh...Fluttershy, I care for animals in a cottage outside of the town, you’re free to come by...but only if you want to…”

It'd be nice if you divided paragraphs because two different ponies speak :scootangel:

“I insist you stay with me, I have a bed which you may happily use any time you wish.

“No chance in Tartarus, Soarin, as I already said, that’s a very high privilege...now go get washed up while I get something to eat.

No closing quotation marks in those quotes.

I'm enjoying it so far. Good descriptions. I like their relationship so far, with Soarin being a typical guy in wanting to get some. So, yeah, looking forward to future chapters ^.^

3850122 But... a crush can turn people into bubbling, giggling idiots at times. I'm super smooth with friends and in public, but as soon as I see a girl I like (which is rare), I turn into a complete spaz.

Not everybody has to like this story, but I feel like that's not really enough reason to be turned off by it. I feel like this story characterizes the characters fine, while making them a little more giddy because they have crushes.

3850122

Dash blushes quite a lot, though.

3850317

But... a crush can turn people into bubbling, giggling idiots at times.

No, it doesn't work that way.

What do we know about Dash's personality? She's direct and brash. She's extremely driven when it comes to her goals and her friends. When she's feeling insecure, she acts boastful and puts on a false bravado.

What part of that meshes with Dash acting like a bashful schoolgirl in love? Worse, her actions are not consistent in the story. One moment she's bashful, the next she's joking about sleeping with him.

For the sake of argument though, let's say that love does have just that effect on Rainbow. Seeing a character act differently (as long as sufficient reasoning was provided, another strike in this case) can be interesting, true. Except that the giggling, love struck personality is the most overused one in the shipping genre.

It's been done a billion times in a billion different fanfics. I don't know how it'll turn out in this story, but usually it leads to the two characters dancing around each other for the entire story before finally declaring their undying love to each other, end fic. It's predictable and boring.

Know having said all that, I don't think this story is bad. If I did, I wouldn't bother to comment on it. It could be a lot better though.

I love this. Rainbow Dash sounds exactly as she should and exactly as i would imagine her in that situation. I cannot wait for the next part.

3850944 If you don't feel nervous and stumble and change a little when you see somebody you like, then that's either your gift, or you're a robot. Because most of my friends act like complete idiots around people they like. Just saying. Nerves do play some role. But, then again, I'm guilty of making Dash act like this in my stories as well.

It seems like Rarity like Soarin too me

Ooohhhh Dashie
I spy jealousy

3850978

Oh she can be nervous. I'm not claiming otherwise, but how we handle our nerves varies.

Rainbow acting shy just doesn't fit her character. Maybe saying or doing something stupid? Sure. Hastily changing the subject to hide her insecurities? Yeah.

Acting demure? It just doesn't fit who she is.

3850978 I like your OC, it doesn't look like your just trying to pump out something to make yourself look badass, I applaud you. :moustache:

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