Mournful Sunsets

TA Lost Moon
MLP: FiM
Sad
Luna waits for her turn to rise to the heavens beside her sister.
Twilight
Luna
Cadance
Bakmah Genesis · 1.3k words · 50 5 · 1.8k views

Sunsets, they are full of color and are the very symbol of romance. But, as all beautiful things, they have a darker, sadder side to them. Because to some, they do not bring happiness and joy, they bring mourn.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 12 )

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Ventan

Ventan #1 · Jan 22nd, 2014 · · ·

The feels are real…..

BarrenBaron

BarrenBaron #2 · Jan 22nd, 2014 · · ·

Awww hope they meet in the pony afterlife!

Oh well, can't win em all.

SporeDragon

SporeDragon #3 · Jan 22nd, 2014 · · ·

Dang you. I was in a happy mood.
Have a like

milkmare

milkmare #4 · Jan 22nd, 2014 · · ·

that was amazing ... the feelings.... just wow

Angel Beats

Angel Beats #5 · Jan 22nd, 2014 · · ·

Must not CRY!
...
...
...
Screw it i'm gonna cry myself to sleep
...
Also who would dislike this?

ocbaker

ocbaker #6 · Jan 22nd, 2014 · 2 · ·

i.imgur.com/MTpHkdl.jpg

RoadRunneR

RoadRunneR #7 · Jan 22nd, 2014 · · ·

Ah, fuck.

Nadnerb

Nadnerb #8 · Jan 23rd, 2014 · · ·

Good evening. I am a cynic, and I am here to ruin your day.

I'm only slightly kidding. I won't deny that this was sad, but it is too short to be a proper sadfic in my eyes. It's not terribly far, conceptually speaking, from "Celestia dies; the princesses are sad; the end." You do give us some nice character informed responses, from each of them, but that doesn't build investment or make the reader feel loss. At best, we're sad because the ponies are sad, that's all. It works, but I don't feel fulfilled for having read it.

As for the details of the premise, I'm fine with the idea of alicorns having a limited lifespan. It barely makes sense for them to be truly immortal, even if you take them to be gods, but having such a precisely measured lifespan? What sense does that make? What justification does the story provide for this fact? In a story centered solely around the death of an alicorn, it seems to be no more than a plot contrivance to explain how everyone knew exactly when she was going to die and were thus able to be present when it happened.

Finally, I could excuse a lot of this if I found the story immersive, but Celestia's dialogue seemed really off, to me. Take, for example, "For all our lives we have been inseparable, only proven wrong by envy and selfishness." Proven wrong? What's proven wrong? What she just said? Who talks like that? How about, "only driven apart by envy and selfishness"? Then there is "But we got back together and we never let any other emotion so trivial get between us". "But we got back together" seems flat, simply stating the obvious. How about "In the end though, it only made our bond stronger, and after we were reunited, we never let anything so trivial divide us again."

I'm sorry to nitpick like this, I just feel that this story is close enough to being immersive that smoothing some things over would do a lot to keep it effective. I don't see any similar awkward phrasing outside of the dialogue sections, so I'm a little confused as to why they stick out to me as much as they do.

Anyway, I'm kinda neutral as far as rating this. It could work better, and be deeper, but apart from some odd dialogue it's a fairly solid piece of prose. I'd encourage you to expand on it or make it part of a larger narrative that explains some of your plot choices.

juter4397

juter4397 #9 · Jan 23rd, 2014 · · ·

3825193
>your fucking profile picture

Llyander

Llyander #10 · Jan 7th, 2015 · · ·

Hang on, this timeline doesn't jibe for me....

Twilight alive for 3000 + Nightmare Moon banished for 1000 + Twilight was what, say 18 or so when she went to Ponyville and NMM returned? = 4018

What about all the centuries before Luna's banishment? It seems to me that Celestia should have died ages before this. I hate to point this out, but you seem to be breaking your own rules.

TheArquius