• Member Since 31st May, 2013
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Hakuno


Sunxie FTW! And also Twily

T

Daniel is a normal guy, he takes lessons of archery after school, go home and repeats. But one day of winter, he suddenly appears in a world of overcolored magical talking mini horses. He now must learn their culture and fit in, because there's nothing else he can do.

(Rated sex for innuendo)

Chapters (13)
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Comments ( 65 )

There were grammar mistakes? (Waiting for.that one response that explains all the mistakes.)

3825024 I suppose, I'm sorry, english is not my first language, and in my other story (which is really just a translation) they told me it has mistakes and it was confusing. But if I had not any grammar mistakes, then I'm really happy ^^

That was quite fast he went down the ass kissing road.

Yeah, what 3827928 said. This is one of the biggest turn off's for me when reading HiE's. I get being respectable, to some degree, but for someone that has had no contact with royalty short of reading about it or seeing a movie with such situations he's to confident while at the same time coming across as meek.
I think his response to the situation was acceptable, he literally pops into existence in a new universe. Had he not freaked out to such a degree I would be worried for him.

3828975 An appropriate response would be either be laughing hard due to royal horse pony, or say "She's not my princess".
He was attacked(Somewhat an accident) and then forced into unconsciousness upon awakening.
I don't know about the average person, but I'd be in a pretty bad mood and most likely lash out verbally.

3829019
3828975
Thank you for you comments ^^

What I want to make in this story, is that Daniel still wants to believe that the whole thing is just a bad dream, that's why he's all like "Oh so she's a princess? ok then" instead of reacting as a normal person should do. I want to make him realize and accept slowly that he is indeed in a real new world, and not abruptly accept it as I've seen in most HiE fanfics ^^

3829048 There are many ways to test if you are indeed dreaming, feeling pain for a long period usually is usually a good indicator that you are indeed awake.
Coming to the conclusion that he is not on his planet (or even universe) should be fairly quick after he is subjugated to magic whilst feeling pain either after, during or prior.
Talking ponies is also an indicator.

These points are all washed away if he goes into complete denial, in which case he would not act calmly.

3829074 You made a very good point there. But then again, he just doesn't want to believe it, he thinks that coming along with the dream will make him wake up. Maybe I should've written that somewhere. Anyway, I'm planning the next episode to [spoiler alert] forget his denial =)

3829094 By "forget his denial" do you mean we'll finally see a proper reaction to his situation?

3829113 Hahaha maybe, I still need to gather my ideas before start writing though, but you know, he has to meet the other elements of harmony. Yes, it's on purpose that he still doesn't meet Pinkie Pie.

Good concept, but there are some points bothering me.
First, Daniel doesn't act like you describt him; for being a quit one he swears alot and outloud.
Second the chapters feel rushed. the chapter ends eve more, like you wanted finish for the evening.


So my advice is that you fill everything with a bit more life and that you creat a character sheet for Daniel; or change his description.

(sorry if this is a bit gibberish. typing on smartphone while in a car is a bit hard.)

3837716 Thank you very much for your comment ^^
First, I want to say that while I said he enjoys silence and tries not to waste words, doesn't mean that he wouldn't swear from time to time. Do you think he swears a lot? Maybe I should try to fix that ^^
Second, that's actually a good point you have there, it's kinda hard to keep a constant continuity within the story when writing in another language. I'm trying to improve that though.

‘black jokes’

Don't you mean "dark joke"?

3838532 Bad translation from my part, it's been fixed ^^ Sorry

Give it to Pinkie Pie, she'll probably make a balloon animal out of it.

that's an awesome prank

“But know this, I will never stop the research, and someday I will find the answer of how you came here, and how you can come back to your world”

Should be go. or return if ya wana get rid of back.

When they descended the train, they were greeted by five familiar mares and a dragon.

Disembarked.

“Of course I can give you a generous compensation for your work”

I feel that putting generous in italics makes it seem like DIscords gift will be getting some use pretty soon.

Aside from that I didn't see anything the popped out as a mistake. Chapter was good with a great ending.

3843681 I just want to thank you for taking the time to point out those mistakes. It's really nice of you.

And well, the italic generous' only purpose is to tell that Rarity might probably have a something for Daniel. These 5 episodes were just to start the story, in the following I will start with the main plot. And that's why I will take more time to write them. ^^

dis gon be good.

Maybe it had been because of Rarity’s attitude that Daniel saw her as some kind of harasser, but at the end of the day, she was more professional even than Twilight herself.

Than even.

His job consisted in buy the fabric, accessories and tools for Rarity, keep the entrance clean, store the dresses, serve the customers, close the boutique at sunset and help Rarity directly at the making of a dress when she was running out of magic, what happened really often.

Which.

Granted, from time to time he would be forced to work in the library’s reparations due to failed experiments or crashes from a singular rainbow pegasus.

Help.
Repairs.
Reparations means to make amends for a wrong they have done.

And today, he was going to start practicing once again in a month.

For the first time in.

“If I don’t rest my arm I will harm it”

I'll hurt it.
seems to come across abit better.

“I just remembered that I promised Mister and Missus Cake to foalsit the twinsies in an hour!

The Cakes would work but if this is just Pinkies vernacular then by all means ignore this.

At first that sight didn't surprise him. It was when other ponies told him that nopony was able to move that way, that Daniel started to find the pink mare a little more interesting.

didn't surprised.
nopony else was.

Good chapter. Loving the fact that the romance hasn't started yet. Seen that to many times in well written fics. Declarations of love are fine, more than four chapters in...
Question I do have for you is, should I just start PMing these to you? Save up comment space for actual comments or does it not matter?

EDIT: Forgot to say, *Looks at title* you cheeky lil....

Looks like its up to me.

(\

Will add to favorites

3849254 Once again: Thank you very much. I can't believe how many mistakes I have =( And well, if you'd really like to keep helping me with that, I'd prefer it to be via PM and let the comments more for opinions of the story itself. Of course, if you don't mind ^^

Daniel snapped his hands on both sides of his body and forcefully sighed. “What is wrong with me?”

memecrunch.com/meme/FFJ0/embrace-the-dark-side/image.png

I would see if you could get an editor, it would really help make it sound more natural. Overall you paint a nice picture, but then you lose some of it with the grammar and odd words. Keep up the good work though.

Wow that is a really good interesting reason to have a readly avaliable source of meat.

Really I'm more disappointed that Rarity gave up so soon than anything else

3860072 She didn't give up. She doesn't see him that way =)

3860086
I know, but there was so much potential for conflict, excitement, and comedy

3860407 I pretend this story to be a light reading. I might, however, add some conflicts here and there, but do not expect too much drama, I need to get used to writing in english before attempting to do that.

Kinda like this story.

Was a little rushed at the beginning with Daniel's intro to Equestria, but then it seemed to settle somewhat.

There are some minor grammatical errors; however, they are so small that I seem to skip over them without realizing most of the time.

Worth a fav and upvote. :twilightsmile:

Keep on the good work sir :moustache:

Captain's log, day 9. Twilight is sick.

3865004 That is one helluva way to alleviate the serious nature of this chapter :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

Love it! Love everything about it! :heart:

Still got some minor grammatical errors, but any editor would easily be able to point them out. I know there are some groups on this site that will help with that should you wish.

keep up the good work!

awww that was cute.

Good chapter overall, but you have some mega runon sentences and the word choice needs to be better in some spots because "twilight was normally breathing" kind of implies she is a zombie or otherwise not going to live long lol.

And yes, I did that runon on purpose lol. Good chapter though.

3855133 we have cookies Daniel.

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