All That Shimmers
Chapter 1: Bad Night
-ooooooo-
Bad night.
We all have one from time to time. You know… when things don’t work out quite the way we’d hope… or anything close to the way we hoped. Guess that’s a rather vague way to put it, but I guess you can at least relate to those sorts of nights.
Probably not this one, oh boy. I mean, if you can, that’d be pretty chill, as the people here that are 'my age' say, and we could probably hang out and swap stories.
Maybe even start a friendship over it.
I think that’s how those sorts of thing work… You meet someone. You find some common ground. You start chatting, and then bam, suddenly you’re swapping notes in class, sitting together at lunch, laughing, trying on dresses… working together to blast a pony turned high schooler turned demon with a magic friendship rainbow.
…And that about sums up everything I know about friendship. As you may have noticed, I don’t have a lot of experience with that department.
I do have experience with the whole pony turned high schooler turned demon thing.
You know… the one that got blasted with magic friendship energy? That was me. Not pleasant. It hurts… hurts like you wouldn’t believe.
Still, it beats actually being a demon. Sure, it sounds fun and from all external appearances, it’s a blast.
Inside though? It’s like if someone made a movie of your life and edited it down to a ‘worst of’ reel and then strapped you all Clockwork Orange style to a chair with your eyes held opened and stuff. Man,
...I love that movie!
Anyhow… bad night.
Oh, you didn’t get to dance with that cute guy you wanted at the Fall Formal? Suck it up. I had to crawl out of a crater. A crater that was made when I impacted the freakin’ ground!
Couldn’t get your makeup right? Cry me a river. I look like I just got hit by a bus and then the bus backed up to make sure the job was done. My hair’s a mess and my leather jacket is all torn up. Probably never going to wear this shirt or skirt again…
You got hypnotized by a demon with the hopes that you would be marched through a magical mirror to another dimension where you’d be a zombie pony doing said demon’s bidding?
…
Alright… my bad.
BUT STILL, you’re probably home right now crying into your pillow or brooding over how things could have been better and that still makes your night better than mine.
For starters, you’re indoors.
I’m not.
Guess where I am.
Come on, guess.
I’M REPAIRING A BRICK ENTRANCE TO A SCHOOL WITH A MASONS TROWEL AND A COUPLE OF DIM-WITS! BEAT THAT!
HA! You CAN’T, can you? I’m Sunset Shimmer and I ALWAYS win… you know… disregarding that whole thing about becoming a demon and being blasted with magic friendship energy. I'll have to put that under the formerly empty box labeled ‘losses’.
Uh, guess I should introduce myself.
Hello.
My name is Sunset Shimmer and welcome to my cruddy life.
That’s me blubbering by the thrashed, brick entrance to a high school holding a masons trowel in the cold, dark autumn night.
Sorry, I’m usually not so disheveled. You know, perfectly kempt long, red and yellow hair, a stylish leather jacket that’s not shredded, magenta shirt with a 'boss' looking red and yellow sun on it, orange skirt with a magenta and yellow stripe down it and a pair of awesome black boots with a purple flame motif. I’m still wearing all that stuff, it just looks a bit more mangled at the moment.
Anyways… uh… I should probably stop referring to Snips and Snails as ‘dim-wits’. I mean, they are, but they were also the closest things I had to friends… oh man…
I just realized how incredibly sad that is…I knew I should have just stayed in the crater…
“Uh, here you go, Sunset Shimmer…”
I look down at the goofy looking kid that is Snails. A gangly fellow with a cowlick, green hair, green coat over a red shirt, giant red bow tie and khakis. He’s holding up another brick for me.
He’s easy: give him a box of rat poison, tell the idiot its candy, watch the moron stuff his face with them and then be elsewhere while everyone figures the poor dolt committed suicide or was just stupid enough to eat rat poison. Snips goes the same way.
Oh, sorry… Have a plan to kill everyone you meet and all that… Man, humans are grim…and cool, at times… You’d never find a pony coming up with solid advice like that.
“Sunset...?”
“Oh, sorry Snails, I was lost in thought…thanks!” I say as I take the brick and try to smile earnestly. At least, I hope that looks earnest.
I glance over at Snips. He has spiky orange hair and is wearing one of those dorky t-shirts made to look like a tux and blue jeans.
“Uh…hey Snails…Snips…” I say, getting my, very likely now ex-, minion’s attention.
The two look at me with inquisitive expressions.
I put on my best sad, apologetic expression, “Hey… I’m really sorry about turning you guys into demons and well… pretty much my entire treatment of you two since… well since we first met.” I say. Bizarrely enough, I mean it, too…
The two give me a look as if I just grew an extra six feet and sprouted bat wings from my back... uh… Again. It was a long shot, but a girls gotta try, you know?
… Wait... are they… They’re actually smiling…
“Awww, it’s okay Sunset Shimmer,” Snails says.
I… what?
“Yeah!” Snips agrees. “It was pretty cool being turned into demons.”
WHAT?! ‘PRETTY COOL’?! WHY DIDN’T I GET THE ‘PRETTY COOL’ FEELINGS WHEN I TURNED INTO A DEMON?!
Uh, well...Guess I better seal the deal here, at least.
My eyes start to water up and my lips start quivering, “You… you guys!” I cry as I lean down and wrap my arms around my trusty minions.
I can’t believe they're are still my trusty minions!
Oh… “…sniff…” Oh geez! “…eh…heh…eh…wuaa... ” I’m really crying here!
I think… I think I’m actually touched! I’m just…totally sobbing on these guys’ shoulders.
OH GOD, THEY’RE HUGGING ME BACK!
“…Sniff…eh..he…whua…WHUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
I CAN’T TAKE THIS. I’M SO RELIEVED! I’M BLUBBERING ON THE SHOULDERS OF TWO OF THE WEIRDEST, STUPIDEST, LEAST POPULAR KIDS IN SCHOOL! AND I’M HAPPY FOR IT!
I’M SOoOoOoO PATHETIC!
“Alright, I think that’s enough work for tonight.”
I flinch as I hear Principal Celestia’s voice ring out. I break my embrace with Snips and Snails and turn.
Oh…it’s not just her… It’s Twilight’s friends, too…
Oh God… I know I don’t ask much…Mostly because I come from a different world where we don’t really have you as a concept and I can’t be sure you exist…but if you do exist and you are listening…
Please, kill me right now.
The stupid crater will be a sufficient grave and the stupid magic mirror an adequate headstone…
I pensively stand and stare out at the principal and five girls.
In case you were wondering, Celestia’s murder plan involves me luring her into her sister’s dark office and bludgeoning the human equivalent of my insufferable old teacher to death with the flagpole Vice-Principal Luna keeps in there. I’d wear rubber gloves, of course. It’s great, really. Rumor has it Luna has always been a bit jealous of how goody, goody Celestia is so loved by the students here. So, motive’s there.
Uh…I have plans for the other five, of course, but I can save sharing those for later… Speaking of Twilight’s collection of eager Fall Formal filchers, they walk over to me.
I try to collect myself as best I can. My eyes are still watery and the whole trying to rebuild the entrance to the school thing had really helped add to the ‘homeless girl who just went a few rounds with a bear’ look I have going on.
Fluttershy looks scared to even be near me, no surprise.
Pinkie Pie has this giant, goofy grin plastered on her face. Also, no surprise.
Rainbow Dash and Applejack glare angrily at me. I guess that’s to be expected.
Rarity looks me up and down like someone should call the fashion police and have me arrested…
Alright, I know I said I’d save this, but Rarity’s plan involves wrapping a designer scarf around her neck, closing it in a car door as it takes off and seeing her neck snap. Ideally, she’d already be wearing a scarf.
Rainbow Dash approaches me. She’s got this look in her eyes like she might just deck me, not that I’m under an illusions that I wouldn’t deserve it. She levels an index finger at me.
“Monday. Cafeteria. Be there, no arguments!” She barks out at me.
I nod, “Sa…sure…”
“Oh this is so exciting!” Pinkie exclaims. “We have a new enemy turned friend! A frienemy!”
“Now hold your horses there, Pinkie,” Applejack said. “We still need to make sure that Sunset Shimmer is really serious about turnin’ over a new leaf,” Applejack continued.
Hey! I resent that remark. The horse part, that is…I wouldn’t even give me a second chance if I was in their shoes.
I swallow my pride. Okay, my pride is currently in critical condition at the bottom of a crater, but you get the idea…
“I…really want to try being friends with you all…” I say. It’s sad how much I actually mean that. Twilight Sparkle had shown me another way. A way where you make friends and then they help you shot demons with magic. The magic of friendship. The saddest part here was I don’t even want the whole, ‘being able to shoot things with magic friendship beams’ thing. I mean… that’d be pretty chill, don’t get me wrong… But, I just want their acceptance now.
Being turned into a demon? Turned back? Crawling out of a crater? The whole thing puts things into perspective. I had achieved a state where not only would no one have cared if I had died that night, they would have celebrated.
Now that hurts… and that’s loneliness… And I know I don’t want to feel that way ever again.
“…Please?” I add. “I’m really sorry for what I did to all of you… I just want a chance to… sniff… chance to… ma… make it up to all of you…”
Oh geez, here come the tears again. Come on, Shimmer… hold it together.
“…Sniff…heh…whuaaa…”
WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!
Rainbow Dash pauses and actually looks sorry for me. Looks like losing my cool and bawling like a crybaby is paying off.
“Uh, look…” Rainbow Dash says as she rubs the back of her head. “We’ll catch you Monday, okay?”
I nod again. “… Sniff… Uh-huh…” I squeak out.
I glance over towards the rest of the group. They’re giving me the same, sorry look. Well, even if this isn’t a start to a beautiful friendship, it’s a start. A sad, pathetic, rather moist start.
“Awww… someone needs a hug!” Pinkie declares. She bounds over to me and before I know it, she wraps her bare arms around me and presses her glittery-dress clad body against my torn-up clothing wrapped one.
It actually feels… nice.
“Come on, everybody!” Pinkie says excitedly. “Group hug!”
… What?
The other four glance at each other awkwardly and looked back at Pinkie with expressions that asked, ‘Do we have to?’
Pinkie just beams excitedly.
The other four glance at each other again, exchange shrugs and walk over to me and Pinkie. They wrap uneasy arms around us.
I never asked for this.
“It’s okay, Sunset Shimmer…” Pinkie murmurs softly, “…we’ll take care of you.”
Alright, no one has said anything like that to me before… I tear up again and this quickly leads to more sobbing.
The five girls around me actually tighten their grip.
Well, this is a bit overwhelming. Nice, but overwhelming… I think… I think I’m going to throw up.
“Alright girls,” Celestia calls out. “I think Sunset Shimmer could use a little space.”
Thank you, Celestia! … Wow, it’s been a long, long time since I even thought that…
The girls loosen their grips on me, take a few steps back, and dried my eyes again.
I glance back up at the girls; all their expressions have softened substantially. I guess I look a far cry from the demon that damaged the school and tried to march an army of teenagers into another dimension.
“Don’t worry, Sunset,” Applejack says with an earnest smile, “if yer really serious about giving friendship a try, we’ll be there for you.”
I nod my head. “Uh-huh…” I say meekly. Sorry, intelligent responses to this whole friendship… thing is taking some work at the moment…
Fluttershy just gave me a small smile and a nod.
“Maybe when we meet we can do something about that outfit of yours…” Rarity says, motioning out to my clothes.
SCARF! CAR DOOR! NECK SNAP!
I plaster on a small smile and nodded at Rarity. It’s not the time to get angry with these five. I mean, I did pretty much try to kill them a few hours ago and they still actually spoke to me. A little commentary on my, admittedly, thrashed and dirty outfit isn’t quite enough to make me break from this great sobbing, pathetic wreck of a person thing I have going on.
The five wander off, smiling, laughing and going on and on about what a great, exciting night they all had. Lucky saps… Okay, so I was jealous. You would be too if you were in my place.
‘Honk, honk!’
Celestia, Snips, Snails and I glance over to a mini-van that pulls up. Snips’s and Snails’s ride home.
The two look at Celestia with fearful eyes.
“You won’t tell our parents about this,” Snails asks, “will you?”
“Yeah,” Snips chimes in, “my mom would probably ground me for a year if she found out I turned into a demon and tried to help enslave the school…”
Celestia glances at the ruined school entrance then back towards the two trembling high schoolers. “I think this will be the school’s little secret for now…”
Snips and Snails both breathe a sigh of relief.
“Yeah,” I add, “I doubt there’s even a law on the books for turning into a demon and trying to force minors through a dimensional portal.” It probably wasn’t the best time to be snarky, but I have blubbered enough for one night. It’s starting to get to me. I have some sort of reputation to maintain, at least.
Celestia just shoots me a bemused look and turns back to Snips and Snails, “We’ll discuss your punishment later.”
The two’s expressions go from relived to mildly worried as they nod. They turn and start walking towards the mini-van.
“Bye Snips! Bye Snails!” I call out. Supposedly, I’m forgiven, but I’m not going to take any chances. These two are stupidly loyal to their own detriment, but I’m not eager to find out what their limits are.
They both turn and wave at me.
“Bye, Sunset Shimmer!”
“Yeah, catch you later!”
I wave and watch the two enter the mini-van.
Celestia turns to me, “You need a ride?”
“Well… I thought I’d be knee deep in the corpses of my enemies in another dimension at this point, so… yeah…” I answer. Once again, probably not the best thing to say given the circumstances, but I need to keep my spirits up. Also, I don’t feel like walking home or braving public transit; not looking and feeling like this anyways.
Celestia just chuckles and shakes her head, “Come on, I’ll drive you home.”
She and I walk over to her white, electric sedan. Uhlg… I can’t stand how much of a goody, goody she is. Just like her alicorn counterpart, always looking out for everyone and everything and just has to be everyone’s mom.
I get in the passenger’s seat, buckle-up and proceed to rest my elbow on the car door and my fist on my chin. I stare out the window. Not that looking spaced out is gonna help me here. Celestia and I both know the price of this car ride is a lecture.
“Where to?” She asks.
I rattle off an address that Celestia inputs into a built in GPS system. The vehicle hums almost whisper quiet as she pulls out of the school parking lot and into the street.
I continue to stare blankly out at the city as street lights pass overhead. The light illuminating me, my clothes and the sorry state both are in before retreating into darkness and repeating the process over and over again. Celestia gives me just enough time to dwell on the oncoming speech. Probably something ridiculous like, ‘Now Sunset Shimmer, there are better ways to express yourself than turning into a demon and enslaving your schoolmates.’
“Sunset,” Celestia says, “I wanted to talk to you about something.”
Here we go… “Yes?” I reply still looking out the window.
“Some of the other students came up to me during the dance. Seems there are quite a number of accusations of you bullying and manipulating others.”
I turn and fix Celestia with a genuine look of shock, “THAT’S what you’re going to lecture me about?! Being a cruddy, manipulative high school student?!”
“Well, I was thinking of bringing up the whole demon thing and destroying part of the school, but it all seemed a bit ridiculous to talk about in this manner,” Celestia explains.
… Walked right into that one…
“Besides,” Celestia continues, “I got the impression you had learned your lesson there, and I’m not really in charge of making sure demons don’t destroy the school or enslave the student body.” She gives me a stern look, “I am, however, in charge of making sure my students treat each other with respect, and you are still one of my students.”
I pause and mull over the irony here for a second. Looks like I was still Celestia’s student in one form or another, even if it wasn’t Sun Butt’s…
I shake my head, “That’s all over now. Twilight undid the biggest mess I caused, and I doubt any of the other students are going to put up with me after this…” I muse.
“Well, that’s good,” Celestia replies, “but it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve learned your lesson…”
“Look, I’m sorry, okay!” I say in a frustrated tone. I calm myself down a bit, “It…all just seems so… petty now… running around, ruining friendships, intimidating high schoolers… frickin’ high schoolers! And for what?! A collection of cheap metal crowns?! Some plaques? A little moment of glory where everyone has to smile, clap and pretend they like me instead of wishing I’d just go to a different school or die or something… All just so I could pretend I’m better than everyone else. WELL I’M NOT!” I might be looking at Celestia as I say all this, but I’m really just screaming at myself in case you hadn’t figured that out.
I turn from Celestia and stare down at my hands and clench my skirt tightly, “I’m… sniff… I’m not…” Oh, here we go…
“I’m worse than all of them…sniff…eeh…worse than any one of them. I’m…emm…I’m just some impatient, angry little student who wasn’t satisfied with what she had in her own world and came here so I could prove to everyone I met that I was somepony special…” Whoops, slipped a bit there, “…and when I was done with that, I was going to march back and show everpony just what a great, fantastic ruler I could be! All just ‘cause I felt my teacher snubbed me, and I wanted to prove her wrong. Well, NEWS FLASH, I’m not any of those things, I never was going to be any of those things, ‘CAUSE IT TURNS OUT I’M JUST A FREAKIN’ MONSTER!” I lift my palms up to my face and unleashed the waterworks again, “WHUAAAAAAAAHAAAAHAAAHAAAAAAA!”
So… uh… bad night.
Celestia puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. As much as I dislike miss perfect ruler of the school, I need all the support I can get. Besides, it’s nice she feels sorry for me instead of trying to figure out how exactly you get rid of a teenager who was literally a fire shooting demon just hours ago… I try to put a lid on my sniveling as much as possible.
“It’s alright, Sunset Shimmer,” Celestia says in that soothing, maternal voice of hers. “You’ve got people who care about you, and you’ll have a lot more if you just try.”
I wipe the tears from my face. “Sniff… Thanks…” I say meekly. What else can I do? The possibility that I might be forgiven and accepted is all I have at the moment.
Celestia stops the car and peers outside at a modest looking apartment complex. “Is this it?” she asks.
“Yeah… thanks for the ride… See you Monday, I guess…” I reply as I unbuckle my seatbelt and open the car door.
Celestia nods, “Is it just you alone here?”
I pause as I stare out at the apartment building. “I am alone…” I reply. Cliché, but it sums my feelings up rather nicely.
I close the door behind me and walk on. I guess Celestia watches me the entire time since I don’t hear that quiet little car of hers pull out into the road.
I make my way to my apartment through the dimly lit complex. It isn’t much, but I don’t need much. Just a place to rest and scheme my grandiose plans of winning elections that end in gaudy crowns and fake smiles. I unlock and open the door to my apartment and step inside. Home again, home again, jiggity-jig.
I don’t bother to turn on the light. I just use whatever meager light that that comes from the complex outside.It’s not much to look at, anyhow. It’s just a living and kitchen area that’s pretty much the same room with a desk, couch, and an assortment of electronics. In the back there’s a bedroom and a bathroom.
Oh yeah, the walls are covered in various awards, 1st place ribbons and shelves full of trophies all with my glorious name engraved somewhere or another.
I close the door behind me and drop the keys on the kitchen counter.
Time for a nice relaxing night of…
“AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
…flipping the buck out.
I stomp over to the wall of plaques and slam my arm against it, then slide it across. This sends the wood framed items to the ground. I reach out for ribbons and tear them one by one from the wall, throwing them on the floor and grinding my heels into them. My trophies also end up in heaps as I reach over and clear entire shelves in one, swift movement of my arm.
I hate them, hate myself. I had built a shrine to me and now it’s all just a reminder of what a failure I am.
I turn to my desk where my collection of crowns sit neatly displayed. “GRRRRRAAAAAH!” I shriek, making my way over to them then hurling them to the ground one by one.
I catch my reflection in the large mirror on my desk and send my fist glass-ward… And then I stop before I make a bloody mess out of my hand. The tantrum isn’t helping me, it’s just giving me more things to deal with. Plus, if I don’t stop screaming and throwing things around, someone is bound to investigate, and I’ve had enough contact for one evening.
Tears streaming down my face, I break eye contact with my reflection and step over crowns and plaques on the way to the bathroom.
I’m sure a nice, warm shower will make me feel better.
-ooooooo-
“WHUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA!”
Spoiler alert: It didn’t.
Yeah, I’m pretty much just huddling in a ball in the corner; hugging my knees to my chest and bawling the entire time the water pours over me. At least no one’s here to see me this time around.
Well…I think I’m just about cried out at this point, time for bed…
-ooooooo-
I dry off and change into my pajamas. A long sleeved, magenta top with the same boss looking sun on it and long, orange pajama bottoms with a yellow and magenta stripe down the right leg. I mean, why mess with perfection, right?
I lift the orange covers and slide in between the sheets.
One nice thing about all this is I’m completely exhausted and should have no trouble falling asleep. It’s also nice that the night is finally over. I close my eyes and quickly fall asleep, a nice calm relaxing…
…sniff…
…Hell.
I smell brimstone and my eyes shoot open as I realize I’m no longer in bed. I’m resting on what seems to be a barren wasteland of desolate, hot rocks and fiery pits as far as the eye can see. I’m also back in my normal clothes. Small comfort, they’re no longer shredded.
Well, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised to be here, except for the part where I don’t remember dying.
I fearfully look out into the vast expanse of unforgiving looking landscape.
“Well, that was pathetic,” A voice echoes out.
Wait, I know that voice, it’s me… but… I turn and there I am. All 12 feet me… Leathery bat wings, green eyes set in a dark void, pointy ears, hair that shoots straight up like a column of flame with a tail to match.
“Ya…you…” I stammer out.
My demon self looks down and grins maliciously at me, bends down and picks me up with her claws. The claws cut through my jacket, my clothes and into my flesh as I just stare wide eyed into the face of evil. My face.
“Hello, Sunset Shimmer,” the demon coos. “Welcome home.”
This bad night competition you and I are having?
Well, I’m winning.
I’m winning so hard it hurts.
Easily one of the better Sunset Shimmer fanfics. It takes the Draco In Leather Pants trope in its clenched fist, analyzing it curiously from every angle. And then it realizes, exactly, what it is that magnetizes people to the villains.
They wouldn't be villains if they were in any way happy.
And I'm reading this and I'm thinking back to the scene in which Twilight sees the framed pictures of Sunset winning the Formal Crowns. Remember the first one? Where her eyes are wide, and her smile is bright? Where, for the first and only time in that entire movie we see Sunset Shimmer looking almost genuinely happy?
static2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130521215559/equestriagirls/images/b/be/Sunset_Shimmer_human_3.png
I doubt it's the first time Sunset ever felt the warmth of acceptance, but when she feels that acceptance, she clings to it, not wanting the moment to end. That makes me wonder more about Sunset Shimmer, actually: how happy was she when she was taken in by Celestia? Taught by her?
I'm beginning to see a pattern in Sunset's behavior:
1. Feel intense happiness. Rare. Overwhelming.
2. Want more of it.
3. Do anything to get more of it. Anything.
But that's her fatal flaw, isn't it? Sunset Shimmer is selfish. She doesn't quite get that happiness can be found in others, not just given to you.
That all adds up to the scene near the end of this fic, where she's destroying her shrine of self-worship. She's looking back at the happiest moments of her life... and she realizes, in one horrible second, that none of it was real.
In short, this is a great set-up. Sunset is the perfect character for these kinds of stories, right up there with characters like Trixie and Discord -- and unlike those two, she's not getting any more screentime for any kind of redemption arc, so that's fanfic fuel for ya.
If I had any complaints, it's that occasionally the tenses shift from past to present.
Personally, I feel the present-tense narration would make a first-person fic feel more personal. Hell, she's acting like she's conversing with the reader, so a present-tense narration would color that idea a bit better. My opinion, of course, but either way, the tenses need fixing.
Another complaint is that there's too many spots that I feel would have been better had they all just been part of the same paragraph. I'm not about to name any precise examples due to the fact that this complaint concerns the fanfic at large.
To change a paragraph is to change the direction of the story little by little. You have each paragraph contain one idea or action. When you have a bunch of different paragraphs essentially all a part of the same idea, then you should either group those paragraphs together into one or just delete one of them for taking up space.
And one last complaint I guess I could make is that you occasionally interrupt character dialogue to have Sunset make a crack at them.
That really breaks the flow of the story, and I got kind of irked by it. I get it, Sunny's a real ray of happiness, a snarker and a half. She can save it for when the characters complete their lines, though. Wouldn't hurt.
All in all, a good fic. Have a like and a fave -- and there better be updates!
3821887 Great observation there. Can't add anything more to it without taking away.
Also, to the dear author, GREAT PIC!!!
It shows the feelings you want to get across and blends really well.
3821887
Thanks for the comment!
I was wondering about the tense shifts a bit and actually have something of a strong desire to do this all in present tense.
I'll keep the other stuff in mind as well and possible rework chapter 1 here. This is my first 1st person P.O.V. fic and definitely feeling stuff out a bit.
Thankfully, somehow an idea for an overall ark has coalesced inside my head, so updates are probably a matter of sitting down and making sure I don't neglect this over my other fics rather than having to think about material.
3821909
Thanks!
Glad to see my ideas and meager photo manipulation abilities can result in decent cover art.
Looks like a great start to me . (Nothing much to
saytype that hasn't already been typed.) I hope this story really dives into this Villain's character.Best of luck, stay healthy, and update soon!
-Sky66
MOOOAAAARRRR!!!
3833333
Glad you like it.
I plan to revise the first chapter (change it to present tense), and start working on the next soon here.
3833930 Of course I liked it. I followed you for SweetieMash Chronicles, but I didn't look into much of your other work. I found this in the Feature Box and didn't realize you wrote it until after I read it. I'm going to start reading more of your stories like I should have. You do quality work.
3834024
Thank you!
Sorry if the grammar is a little messier on some of the stories. The Wheel and the Butterfly is getting a good going over with a proof reader and I tried to touch up a couple of my other ones, though a few of them probably need some TLC after I've improved my writing chops.
3834047 Oh I don't judge. I do proof-reading and editing for a couple people, but I have a terrible time with my own stories. After I write them, I don't want to read them 3 more times! (One to proofread, one to edit and revise, then one to proofread the edits and revisions ) They end up with a bunch of typos.
3821887
Alright, I revised the first chapters so it should all be in present tense.
I noticed I messed up in quite a few places and did in present tense anyways.
Because of Sunset's stream of consciousness narration, it's been my impulse to do the whole thing in present tense anyways. I agree that it has more emotional impact in certain parts, and this way the narration and the action is all the same tense.
The other good news is I did all this because I want to start chapter 2. My other chapter fics just got updates the last couple days, so it's time to make sure I don't neglect this one.
Thanks for all your great advice.
Oh wow. I was a little leery of this fic at first, but you absolutely nailed it. That last bit - absolutely cannot wait for the next chapter. :O
3850494
Thank you!
Chapter two is actually exactly what I'm working on right now.
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
3850813
Might be an idea if I wrangled my proofreader into giving the first chapter another go over. They're pretty strict on grammar and I'm notorious bad at missing little things here and there.
Though, I'm usually pretty satisfied with the attention I get here.
This one is kinda funny in that I posted it during a rather low traffic period. So it has a very good view to upvote ration, but not a lot of views.
That'll probably change a bit once I post a few more chapters.
Interesting start.
My one real problem with this: Sunset Shimmer revealing she has a murder plan worked out for everyone she knows. That's...not only a little extreme, it's also out of character. In the movie, Sunset Shimmer shows that she's never had any intention to actually, physically harm anyone. She's a bully, not a monster. Any mention of murder plots and corpses...it doesn't quite fit.
Everything else though, good show. Moving on to the next chapter...
Huh, and I always figured part of Sunset Shimmer's repentance was that Twilight had just showed her that she'd been doing things the wrong way because friendship is magic-magical power that is. And she'd been wasting all that time in the human world ignoring an incredible magical resource. The funny thing is her dialogue actually can be taken that way in the movie, too. Still if the elements could fix Nightmare Moon's mind, Sunset could hardly be worse.
believe they're are
they're without an are, or they are without the 're
That was a really odd narration style you used. I can't decide if it just appealed to my sense of humor, or if I was snorting because it was bad, not funny.
I'm not really sure what to make of it.
Sunset's song: The Break by Urge Overkill.
As of this point, it seems to fit well.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYNhyqIvNpY
YES INVADER ZIM!! (if that was meant to be a refrence)
At first when reading this I was thinking that this crybaby thing was really out of character for Sunset. Then about halfway through the chapter I realised that she just had her hate and everything that would normally make up a backbone forcibly ripped out of her by the power of friendship. And then I noticed throughout the chapter that she gradually gets better and closer to the normal Sunset, minus most of the evil. Every once in a while you give us a peek at what she was like before as she thinks about her murder plans. Brilliant!
5078083
I actually enjoyed the narration here. The only thing that got to me was Sunset saying chill.
Well, Sunset has the basic gist of how most friendships start.
To sum it up this felt a bit weird and partially out of character, but as it went on I couldn't stop smiling enough to care.
Turning into a demon isn't illegal, but stealing the crown is, and trying to force minors through the portal is attempted kidnapping.
However, I doubt Sunset Shimmer actually had the mens rea for kidnapping, since whatever she expected from the Element of Magic was pretty obviously not what she got.
See, Trump. There are problems that come with too much winning.
Shouldn't this be "All 12 feet of me"
It's been awhile...
There are updates...
Time to re-read everything!
So here her demon form is like Midnight Sparkle, manifested as its own entity after she was restored to her true form? Interesting.
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Heh. I've been seeing a lot of comparisons to Midnight Sparkle when I wrote this well before we even knew Rainbow Rocks was going to be a thing.
I forgot about this story. It will be weird to read a shinmy story with no dazzlings or such in it, but eh what the hell.
You accidentally past tensed in your present tense story.
*shoot
You past tensed again.
You also accidentally the space between sentences.
While I'm not quite sold on present tense over past tense, I'm enjoying this narration style way more than I did years ago 5078083, as it turns out.
Not related to the story but I really like the cover art
I love your ART!!!
I love that psychological tint in your lyrics <3
you made this grumpy heart happy <3!!!!