- Member Since 19th Jan, 2014
- offline last seen Jan 11th, 2017
ClassyGeneral
"Fast like the wind, silent like a forest, intrusive like the fire, immobile like a mountain. Under heaven and earth, I alone am feared."
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Okay. Im going to be blunt here; you need an editor. Or atleast a better one. I can see that you're either trying to make an attempt of writing the story in present tense, or trying to write in past, because the tenses are being switched in this chapter more than in any other. I suggest you choose one and stick with it. If you're writing a story like this, you should use past tense, because you write as if the events have already happened, yet it's being told in present tense. The last few lines is a good example.
-Powers, your friendly neighborhood Protoss Archon
3879795
Yeah, I know. I've been trying quite hard to get it right, but like I said earlier, I'm not the best at keeping on extensive tense going. Eventually I should get a hand of it. Though, it doesn't really affect much, does it?
3879803 well, it's a bit annoying for me while reading. I try to gauge any foreshadowing and coming empty handed because the tenses confuse me. O.o
When will the other nations come in? I'm just seeing a xenophobic empire having their fun destroying a joke of an army.
-Powers
3879810
Next chapter is going to be in the northen lands of Equestria. You get to see Russians in the Crystal Empire. Also, after that I'm going to introduce the Germanic tribes.
3880606
It goes all the way to modern times and beyond.
gah this is like the movie 300 just a few troops completely overpower everything they throw at them the humans are Spartan and the ponies Persians
3880973
Nice comparrison, only this one is logically accurate.
The singular of pilum is pilum. As in:
One pilum, several pila
3881310
Really? Well, thank you! I can get to work on fixing that then.
I like the way you show the ponies not as being inferior, but simply not having a military tradition, as opposed to humans.
PS: I'm waiting for bad ass greek-MLP Hellenic nations with lots of pikemen, companion cavalry and philosophical debates.
3881903
Don't worry, it's all coming in due time.
3879813
Can't wait to see this continue.
You know, I always thought of griffons as Russians, not the crystals.
Personally I don't see ponies using bows and arrows.
Reasons.
1. They are herbavores. We all know that ands it's simple why the bow was invented. To help make hunting more efficient and safer. Since our ancestors were predators we needed a more efficient way and safer way than just chucking Spears at the nearest animal. So why would they use the bows if they don't really need them, I mean they do have magic support from the unicorns
2. pegasi using bows as support, so the pegasi are able to use bows and not gather clouds to make lightning artillery (I understand it's night but with pegasi being able to use clouds like it's their own personal mobile device they could use it as a mobile siege machince, idea for thought) I could understand if they were able to invent the bow but why use it If you can also use the gravity and the Spears they have to be a very deadly and fast flying lacing calvary.
3. I know it shows the ponies to have bows in the daring do episode but if you look at my points you would at least understand why I think it's questionable that ponies are able to invent the bow so early in their time period (unless they were able to copy the technology from a predator species)
I do apologize if this seems insulting I am trying my best to be reasonable to help explain why a herbavores species have invented or is utilizing a predators weapon.
Great story nonetheless.
3883276
Okay, by that logic, where did their spears come from? They're herbivores, right?
They would need to find out how to create weapons and survive, bows and arrows are one of the simplest and common means for an ancient civilization.
It makes more sense for them to skirmish due to their high mobility. They can unleash a volley, retreat and even flank around onto an enemy if utilized correctly.
The one thing ponies didn't account for was the heavy armor and shields used by the legionnaires.
Also, pegasi aren't exactly reputable for taking a beating in melee. I mean, if they crash once they're pretty much done. Why take that risk with such an advantage?
Also, I never even watched the Daring Doo episode.
3883306
I was only asking due to the pegasi seeming like the mix of Romans and Greek by their architecture and armor so in response I thought they would be in favor or the melee. I was only concluding the in since it is a missile weapon it would more include to belong to the earth ponies since of past wars against the unicorns and pegasi (if they had any) and since I don't know the full anatomy of a pegasi I was only assuming by their armor styles it shows in the heart warming eve episode that the pegasi would favor melee and that since this is the kingdom personally ruled by hurricane (leader of the pegasi) he would have more melee based soldiers since him being more inclined towards it. And also in the daring do episode it shows ponies using vows but they were forced to be stationary since they were using their mouths.
3883328
The pegasi could be used just to enforce laws and repress the populace of the lands, but in melee they aren't that effective. An Earth pony would be more effective. They have more strength, durability, and weight as their advantages over pegasi.
If it were up to me for organizing an army of ponies, Earth ponies would make up the bulk of my forces, while using Pegasi as mobile skirmishers on the edges of the main battle line. Behind the Earth ponies I would have unicorns casting spells as support for the Earth ponies and Pegasi to increase their abilities in combat, they would need it.
That would be the most effective way to use the three races in battle and it still wouldn't be that effective against a standard Roman Manipular formation.
3883362
Well alright but I was only asking question on clarification on your headcanon. And so far I got enough on what's going to happen and understand your reasoning in which why your using the ponies they way you are.
3883384
Thank you, and I'm also taking into account that this is the first real war in which the ponies are facing an enemy that outmach them in practically any department. The ponies also aren't too warlike, only with possibly small quarrels between the tribes. That explains the disorganization in their formations and their lack of morale or discipline.
Research is the biggest ally I've got on this story.
3883405
I could help you on that if you need. I am an expert in almost every era in human history (some I pride myself) and I could assist you in the terms of research or anything that you might need or not it's your choice really.
3883433
I'll probably call upon you when I need to compare some notes. I mainly got this stuff down. I also go onto my friendly group to get information as well.
YES!! They got decimated! :D
Honestly? This is simply a curb stomp with little in the way of interesting character interaction. The human force is way too OP.
While I understand that you don't intend for Clover to be so powerful, Nightmare Moon could tear apart a castle with ease. I highly doubt an alicorn giving everything she has could only push some soldiers back a bit. I can't really believe anything less then their shields being shattered and a dozen or so being killed off before getting hit by the javelin.
Which brings me to my next point. The javelin (or pila in this instant) is indeed a deadly weapon but you're seriously overeating it's accuracy when claiming it could hit a target in mid air. Thrown in mass some might get lucky but against an air mobile and battle aware pegasus (who given their own martial culture I highly doubt would flee at the sight of a single fallen comrade) you would need a hell of a lot of luck on top of skill to make that hit.
Lastly there's the armour. If the soldiers were using their shields to deflect the arrows I could buy that but just pining off their armour? If you want to know what a bow and arrow can do to to steel armour then you can look here.
That's steel armour, if going with historical accuracy the Romans only had iron and bronze but I understand this isn't the Roman Empire, just a parallel of it.
Just to be clear, I'm not saying the ponies would win but the humans under these circumstances certainly wouldn't come away from the fight without casualties.
3883749 No, Decimation is when a tenth of a number is removed. Example: if I decimated sixty, I would have fifty four. They were simply wiped out.
I CAN'T HIT THE LIKE BUTTON ANYMORE!!!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
3884857
Well then, another analysis. Wooh! Thanks for making me think!
Now, I'm just going to say this... you only saw the first battle... this is not a curbstomp story. The ponies were taken by full suprise and they weren't prepared for the humans.
For Clover, she's one of the first few alicorns. Also, magic at this time isn't nearly as developed or understood. In fact I even revealed Star Swirl the Bearded as a character, meaning he is still trying to fully understand magic. AKA, they don't even know their full capabilties yet.
Now for the pilas... they were being used by a centurion... some of the most elite soldiers in the Roman army. They didn't get the higher pay grade, and command over troops, just because they know tactics. They had to be able to act on the battlefield and make a difference when needed. That's exactly what Gregorios did.
Now, the pegasi would've fled in this situation. Humans were told of in legends and tales. Monsters if you will, creatures to be wary of. Finding out that they're real and they want them dead, running seems to be a great idea in a soldiers mind. Especially with a species that hasn't worked out the kinks of war yet, ie broken formations and dicsipline.
Now for the arrows, I have to bring up the point someone else did earlier. The ponies are herbivores and bows and arrows are used for hunting. They would only be able to make a type that 1. Could be used by hooves. 2. Be used in mid-air. 3. Doesn't take more than one pony to operate. 4. Still be able to harrass an enemy. I think it's great the ponies were able to accomplish all of that, but they need to work on it in order to kill legionnaires.
Finally, I never said there weren't any casualties. Quite a few of the legionnaires took significant head trauma, broken bones, and concussions. All of those, didn't exactly have proper treatment methods at this time. There's going to be casualties in that department.
3885352 Hum... Very well. You have my eye for now. I do implore you to patch up what you already have though, to make these things clearer for future readers. Still not happy about the magic though.
Still, given I've pointed out so many negative things I probably owe it to you to say there were good things that caught my eye. Given the stage of civilisation and culture you're trying to portray I think you did well. The Romans were also very brutal in close quarters with tight ranks which was well reflected here.
I also mentioned character interaction. It really does need work. They all felt quite emotionally flat.
Oh, and if it helps the Romans also made use of ballistas which would probably be more appropriate tool for the common soldier to deal with pegusi.
3885642
The character development isn't there yet for good reason. We're still in the exposition of the story. Not much character development can happen in the exposition when they're just introduced... plus the majority of the characters are soldiers and the ones who aren't have been thrown into a situation where their character will be overshadowed by the conflict.
Don't worry about the ballistas, they aren't that effective against Pegasi (accuracy) they will however be used in mass volleys properly.
Thanks for reading.
3884857
Me:
massassi.ourhobby.com/massassi/pictures/episode_5/img/hoth_battle_field07.jpg
3892619
I don't know how to react to that...
3893026
Hmm? No I thought that up on my own. I guess great minds think alike?
I've only read like a handful of fics on this site so...
Is this going to develop into the present or stay in the past?
P.S. I'm fine with it either way
3898033
It's going through all of the eras that man has gone through in our world, but in the MLP timeline.
Pretty much it's based around how humans would truely effect Equestria.
Only now notice that you keep switching between past and present tense.
Past - Queen Clover rose back up onto her hooves
Present - Clover is still rocked from the exchange of magic
Annoying. Nice read so far apart from that though.
Well sir I fell that this in counter is a bit underplayed on the pony side seeing how that the earth ponies are very Strong the Pegasus are quick nimble and air born and have the power the manipulate weather the unicorn are magically gifted allowing them to cast a plethera of spells that would kill droves of human infantry if not at the least greatly wound and empead
Pleas don't miss understand this as ungreatfull complaint sir I only wish to add helpful ideas and credesism. But other then that good read Mr class general my hat off to u sir.
Actually, the Romans gave a very good deal (in real life) to the point that it wasn't unheard of for nations to ask to be integrated in to the Empire. You join Rome and, in turn, you are given many rights, a great deal of prosperity, medicine, knowledge, and a strong infrastructure. Of course, even the Pax Romana was violent, so... yeah.
You are making your soldiers hate you, Clover. Who are they more willing follow? Someone who submits themselves to protect them, or someone who sacrifices them to cling to her own power?
Except her "cause" is merely clinging to her own power and authority at the cost of her people.
It's alive!
4569684
Yeah, I'm fucking back finally. Got more coming on the way with this, but I don't really want to flood the damn readers with 4 chapters in one hour (That's what I pretty much have ready)
Fuck, I stayed up all night making sure this got patched up to the best condition possible.
The thing that sucks is that I had to lose all of my views in the process of really making sure it was patched up and having all of the readers know about the changes.
I've heard of that. It's pretty cool in my opinion.
Hmmm, you don't suppose it was actually a Draconequus that took humanity's magic in the first place? I can't wait till the humans find out it was actually them who took it.
4569690
Challenge accepted!!!
So wait, are the Severius and Polisian allies? Or are they gonna kill each other?
4583673
Never encountered each other. They are seperated by Equestria which acts as the buffer zone between them. The Polisians are farther south though, leading to this expedition that they launched to the north where Equestria is.
4585459 I mean in the future
4587884
Future-wise?
...Maybe...
4588648 Ho-ho-ho! Foreshadow!
if only they no whats coming at them.then they could live but nahhh whats the fun in that >:)
I think it would be easier for you and better for everyone if you just put the different languages in italics and English. Italics to show that it's a different language
This made my day
Just so everyone knows, the next chapter is nearing completion. I have not abandonded this shit... yet anyway.
4678335
Did it now? That just fucking warms my heart right the fuck up.
4677902
While that is a rather good idea, it doesn't give the feel that I want to give. I want this story to have a foreign feel to the readers, I want to make it so that you feel what the ponies will feel, hear what the ponies will hear.
The language barrier is extensive in this story and it also gives the clash of the cultures amplification, since mere conversations can lead to violence because of it. As shown with the death of Slate's parents and with the Humans meeting Empress Tourmaline at the Crystal Empire.
PS: Sorry this response took so long, I've been very busy in the past few weeks...
4853531 Nah man I was just giving a suggestion. I suppose if that's what you're going for go a head, my idea was just an idea.
4853606
And I appreciate ideas from my readers. Really, I do. So thanks for taking some time to think of one, even if I won't use it.
Feel free to always give an idea or point out something I need to work on.