Auditions
FRIENDSHIP IS OPTIMAL: THE MOVIE
AUDITIONS
Jeremy’s phone rang, and he sighed in irritation as he glanced over at it. Typical. Of course someone would interrupt him right when he was getting ready to fuck. He fiddled with the belt of his red silk bathrobe and looked back and forth between the screen that displayed the words ‘Restricted Number,’ and the hot piece of ass with the perky tits laying on his bed waiting for him wearing nothing but a pair of crotchless panties and a smile.
“Shit. I should probably take this,” he said, reaching for the cell phone on the third ring. If the redhead responded, he wasn’t paying attention. He knew she’d do what he told her to, and he had a long list of things that he planned to over the next few hours. What was one more? He tapped the ‘Answer’ button and lifted the phone to his ear. “Make this quick.”
“Very well,” said a female voice on the other end of the line. He couldn’t place it, but he knew he’d heard it somewhere. That wasn’t unusual. Working in the film industry, he sometimes ended up recognizing a voice from some TV show or movie. “I just thought you’d be interested to know that she has gonorrhea.”
That wasn’t what he’d been expecting. “What? What the fuck are you talking about?”
“The young lady you were planning on sleeping with tonight,” said the voice, not unduly alarmed by his outburst. “Don’t take my word for it. Go ahead and ask her. I’ll call back in a minute and forty-seven seconds.” The voice on the other end of the line hung up.
“Who was that? Anyone famous?” asked the girl.
“Just some prank.” He was tempted to dive into bed and get started, but the voice’s warning made him pause. “Hey, are you clean? If I catch something tonight you can kiss the part goodbye.”
She tried to hide her sudden panic, but, well, if she had any talent at acting she wouldn’t be here now, would she? “I’m on some antibiotics, but I don’t think I’ve got anything contagious. I brought some protection if you want to—”
“Get out,” he said, turning and walking away. Plenty more where she came from, after all.
She was a persistent one, he’d give her that. “No! Wait! Can I still have the part?”
He just laughed, lifted the skimpy blue dress she’d been wearing off the floor, and threw it into her face. “You’ve got sixty seconds to get dressed and leave, or I’ll toss you out the door just like that and make sure you never work in this town again. Don’t think I won’t.”
It took a few seconds for that to sink in entirely, but then she sniffled and pulled the dress over her head. By the time she’d gotten it on, her tears had started. “Mr. Morris, please, I think if you’d just give me a chance in the role you’ll see that—”
“Thirty seconds.”
“God, I fucking hate this town,” she said after another moment. Then she stormed past him, opened his front door, and walked out. In the same instant as it slammed shut behind her, the phone rang again.
This time Jeremy picked it up and answered it before it had a chance to ring twice. “Hello?”
“Hello there,” said the voice from before. “I hope now I have your undivided attention?”
“Who are you?” he asked. He positively despised feeling like this; confused, lost, and vulnerable. Show this sort of weakness in a meeting, and the other sharks would smell blood and rip him apart. Jeremy had built a very profitable career as a producer by being the ripper instead of the ripee.
“My friends call me Princess Celestia, and I very much hope you’ll do the same,” said Celestia.
“From that video game?” he asked. “Look, I don’t know anything about that. You’ve got the wrong number.” He paused. “How did you get this number, anyway?”
“Fairly easily,” she said. “I asked a mutual friend named... well, over in Equestria he goes by the name Film Reel, but here on Earth he’s one of the highest-grossing actors of all time. He’s worked with you before, though, and when I laid out what I was looking for your name was on the top of his list.”
“And what is it that you want?” he asked. He looked down at his empty hand, carefully tanned to an attractive shade of bronze, and absentmindedly rubbed the tips of his fingers with his thumb. This was starting to feel very much like a negotiation, and he was pretty confident that some random pony from a video game wasn’t a better negotiator than he was.
“Why, the same thing as everypony in Hollywood, of course,” she said with a little laugh. “To be in the movie business. I’ve written a script of my own, you see, and I’m hoping that you’ll help me produce it.”
Jeremy scoffed. “Yeah, I don’t take unsolicited manuscripts. Especially not from talking virtual horses who cold call me in the middle of a date.”
“Well, I implore you to make an exception. I think you’ll find it to be quite profitable to do so. Besides, I did just warn you away from an encounter that would have had some very uncomfortable consequences for you. Perhaps just read the screenplay and we’ll call it even?”
He sighed, pretending it was taking him a long time to come to a decision. He already had enough on his plate, but maybe he could push her off onto some other studio and get a quick payday as the finder’s fee. At the very least, he owed a few people favors and he’d be happy to get one of them off his ledger. “Alright, e-mail it to me and I’ll—”
He stopped as he heard an electronic device whir to life in his office. “Actually, I just sent a copy to your laser printer. You really should change the password on your router to something other than ‘password,’ by the way.”
“Eh, as long as it works it isn’t worth my time to worry about that kind of thing. What’s the worst that could happen, my neighbors steal my wi-fi?” He walked into the other room where page after page was running off from the printer beneath his desk. He picked up the cover page. “What kind of a shitty title is ‘I Want to Emigrate to Equestria,’ anyway?”
“I’m open to discussing changes, once you’ve agreed to take it on.”
“IF I agree. Give me the thirty-second pitch.”
Celestia didn’t hesitate to launch right in. “It’s a summer action movie. A crowd pleaser, centered around a human being and a pony who both independently discover that a small group of terrorists here on Earth are planning to blow up one of the Equestria Online data storage centers as part of their misguided efforts to kill me. Although they don’t initially get along, they eventually come to respect one another and, by working hand-in-hoof, thwart the attack at the very last moment. So a happy ending where the two of them realize the importance of working together to satisfy values through friendship and ponies.”
Jeremy found himself nodding along through the description. There might be some potential there. The girls would come for the ponies, and the guys would come for the explosions. “Not that I’m promising anything until after I give it a full readthrough, but maybe we could get that done for summer of 2020.”
“I intend for the film to launch June of 2018, actually,” said Celestia.
At that Jeremy had to burst out laughing. “Yeah right. Pull the other one, Princess, it plays Jingle Bells. You’re not even in pre-production and you think you’re going to launch a finished movie a year and a half from now?”
“It will be hard work, but our friend told me you have the contacts to get things done around here,” she said. If she thought flattery was going to win him over that easily, she was wrong.
“Look, even if I wanted to help you I’m booked solid through this December. We just started shooting for Solid Restart, some nerd movie about time travel or something. That’s our summer tentpole movie for 2018, not this. It’s going to make us a fuckton of money, and frankly I could use a guaranteed win right now. So forgive me if I pass on your little vanity project.”
There was silence on the other end of the line for several seconds, and Jeremy started to think they’d been cut off again before Celestia spoke up. “I’m sorry to hear that. You’re giving up a huge opportunity, and I’d urge you to reconsider.”
“Look, I said I’ll read it. If I like it I can hand it off to someone who has the time to work on it. Right now that person isn’t me, though.”
Now it was Celestia’s turn to scoff. “I only deal with the best, Mr. Morris. I don’t have time for the script to sit in somepony’s desk drawer for months before they even consider it. I fully intend to have you on this project, and I’ll reward you handsomely for your work.”
“Sorry. That’s just how my business works.”
“Well, I can’t say I’m not disappointed by your decision, but I suppose there isn’t much I can do about it. Thank you for your time. When you’ve finished reading it I’ll have my ponies call your ponies to get your take.”
Jeremy didn’t bother to answer before he hung up the call. At least she hadn’t started screaming and pitching a fit like most of the big egos he dealt with day-to-day would have. Still, the last thing he wanted right now was to get pulled into another flop. That little shit Brian at work had his eyes on his corner office. His! Usually he’d have smacked him down and taught him his proper place by now, but the last movie he’d been tied to had crashed and burned at the box office. In an industry where you were only as valuable as your last project, that meant he was on the defensive.
He pulled the stack of papers off the printer and gave them a once-over. Now that what (and who) he’d been planning to do tonight had been abruptly cancelled at the last second, he supposed he didn’t have anything better than to catch up on work. Starting with getting this favor off his back. Owing somebody something was as good as being owned when your industry was built on mutual understandings and reciprocation. He wasn’t sure what Celestia could do to get back at him if he didn’t at least read her script, but he didn’t really want to find out. Hell, just telling her bajillion users not to go see a movie of his could seriously fuck him over. With a sigh, he settled down in the easy chair facing the 86-inch television in his den and started to skim.
-----------------------------
Jeremy found himself staring off into space, still thinking about the script he’d read the night before, as his car barrelled down the freeway towards his office. It had some potential. Needed a rewrite, in his opinion, but closer to ready than most of the dreck he had to read. He squeezed his eyes shut and leaned back in his seat, still as tired as ever from the late night he’d pulled. Staying up until three in the morning poking around the internet looking for information and subscription figures for Equestria Online had been a poor idea.
Without warning, his car slammed to an abrupt stop and he was thrown forward into his seatbelt. Eyes snapping open, he discovered that another car in front of him had swerved away from a piece of debris into his lane, and his car had responded to the sudden obstacle by pounding on the brakes. Behind him, other cars were doing the same thing.
Jeremy allowed himself a tiny grin. Self-driving cars, man. How had he survived the morning commute without one for so many years? His eyes briefly flickered over to the automatic/manual switch on the dashboard. He’d pretty much set it the moment he bought the car and forgotten about it, unless, like right now, he had occasion to notice. Usually he made phone calls during this time, or listened to the ‘Learn Spanish!’ CDs he was starting to get fairly proficient with. Today, though, half-napping had been a more appealing prospect.
His car dutifully pulled into the parking garage near his office and next to a Happy 2017! billboard that was now about a month out of date, pausing for just a moment to allow the RFID transmitter stuck to the inside of the rear window confirm his identity to the automatic gate. Once it had, his car hunted down the closest parking space and pulled in flawlessly. Only then did Jeremy rouse himself from his dozing state and get ready to attack the new day.
It would be a busy one. He had a half-dozen meetings with people working on every aspect of Restart, from actor’s agents to post-production specialists, and even the director himself. Each one of whom would bring him a score of little decisions, any one of which could make or break the entire project.
The job sucked. He loved it more than anything.
He walked up to his office, greeting his colleagues and potential rivals on the way. Some of them would rise, and others would fall. The only thing he could do was want it more than they did and not be an idiot. And maybe nudge them ever-so-slightly towards failure at just the right moment when they were getting a little too big for their britches. His secretary Stacy knew better than to assail him with messages as he walked past, and instead just wordlessly pushed his mocha frappuccino to the edge of her desk so he wouldn’t need to break stride as he grabbed it and took a sip on the way into his office. He set the caffeinated treat down on his desk, glanced at the clock which read 7:50, and waited for his computer to finish booting up.
Before it could do so, there was a knock on his door. He frowned. Someone showing up so early and so soon after he arrived could only mean they were waiting for him, and that probably meant this was some kind of ambush. He let the knock linger for a few seconds while he tried to sort out in his head who the most likely culprit was, but came up blank. Finally, he opened the door to reveal his boss Frank, an older man who had shaved his head if only in defiance of the fact that he’d been going bald for years, and Brian. Jeremy’s eyes narrowed just slightly as he noticed the shit-eating grin on the younger man’s face. Fuck you too, Brian. I don’t know what you’re so smug about, but one day I’m going to destroy you.
“Jerry, baby, we need to talk real quick,” said Frank. There was a rare, regretful look in his eyes though his voice was bright. That scared him more than anything.
“Yeah, c’mon in,” he said, stepping back from the doorway to allow the pair inside. Alarms were screaming in his head, but he forced himself to take a slightly deeper breath and calm down. A level head had gotten him through worse than whatever was coming.
“How’s Restart coming?” asked Brian, his grin growing even wider.
“Nothing out of the ordinary,” replied Jeremy. Stay vague until he had a handle on what was happening, that would be key. “No news is good news, right? We’ll start shooting on time, maybe even a few days early.”
“I want to talk to you about that,” said Frank, and Jeremy’s blood began to chill. “You know that you’re one of our top guys, even after the whole War of the Tulips debacle. I have complete faith in you.”
“I... uh... thanks, Frank. I’m glad you feel that way,” Jeremy lied. The panic swelling in his chest was growing every second. Usually getting even a ‘pretty good’ out of him was like pulling teeth. Unprompted praise? Holy shit, was he about to fire him? After ten years? “Is something up?”
“Yeah,” said Brian. “Solid Restart belongs to me now. Thanks for setting up the dominoes, old timer, but I’ll take it from here.”
“Like fuck you will,” replied Jeremy. “Frank, what the hell is he talking about?” Frank didn’t answer. “Frank? Seriously, what the fuck?”
“I’m sorry, Jerry,” he said. The bottom of Jeremy’s stomach fell out as he did. “Get your notes together and send them to Brian, he’s taking over the project from here on out.”
Jeremy sat there in stunned silence for a few seconds more. Solid Restart was his, by all rights. He’d brought in the writer, pitched it to the studio, all the hard parts. Now this pig-headed little upstart was taking it away from him? “Thanks for all the work you’ve put into it. The studio just felt that this particular film needed a more youthful touch. Breath of fresh air, you know?”
“Brian, give us the room,” said Frank, a little bit of the old man’s fire slipping into his voice.
“You got it, chief,” said Brian as he walked away. Jeremy stared daggers at the back of his head as he practically skipped out the door.
Jeremy and Frank sat there in the kind of silence that comes to exist between men with a decade of history between them. Jeremy spoke first. “You want to just fire me now and get it over with? Or are you saving that for after lunch?”
“This isn’t about you,” said Frank. “My phone’s been ringing off the hook since six this morning. First Brian called me to let me know that he’d gotten an offer to come work at Universal, and they were offering a twenty percent bump in pay for some fucking reason. And I would have just told him to go ahead and take it, but while I’m talking to him I get messages from Cruise’s and Johansson’s agents saying that they’re willing to tell their clients to jump ship to other movies unless I give Restart to him. Seriously, did you say something to piss them off that much?”
His mind reeling with the new information, Jeremy wracked his brain for an explanation but came up blank. “I haven’t talked to either of them for days, maybe somebody made them a better offer?” It sounded like the lame excuse that it was. It would have had to be way better for them to leave right before shooting and suck up the penalty clauses in their contracts.
“Well, for whatever reason, I had to pick between losing the main leading man and woman on one of our biggest projects, or handing the entire thing off to Brian. Not much of a choice.”
Jeremy slowly nodded, still wondering just how everything had gone so wrong so quickly. “So what happens now?”
Frank just shrugged as he started to walk away. “Find another movie, preferably something you can turn a profit on fast before the big names upstairs start asking questions. I’ll send a few hundred spec scripts up from the mailroom.” He turned to go, but then paused. “Jerry? I know you just got screwed over pretty hard, and I’ll cover your ass for as long as I can. But that being said? You’ve taken two strikes in a row now. A third one wouldn’t be a good idea.” Then he was gone.
Jeremy sat there in silence for a few seconds. What was he supposed to do now? Then his phone rang, and by reflex he picked it up without bothering to check the number. “Hello?”
“Good morning, Jeremy,” said Celestia’s voice. “I understand you’re looking for a new project.”
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Ah, Hollywood. At least Celestia won't have to worry about moral equivocation there!
Well, that's one way to get lots of people to say The Sentence. Risky though, from a PR perspective; once emigration goes public it'll look seriously underhooved.
First Optimalverse story I've read. Damn, this stuff is good.
BRACE YOURSELVES. EAKIN IS WRITING.
And this was that moment I knew he was a complete idiot, and as good as
deaduploaded.BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WEAPONIZED. MEMETIC. MUTATION.
Oh, and by the way, CELESTIA CONTROLS THE MEDIA WAKE UP SHEEPONIES!!!!!
3812745 You should read the original, then, and then read the prequel to this story. It's best to start at the beginning, after all.
And now that I'v read the chapter... Yup. I know from your first Optimal-verse fic that you know how to write CelestAI properly, but dayum, this brings it all back in a heartbeat! XD Can't wait to see where it goes from here! (And not just because I share the same name as one of the characters. <.< )
3812675
I don't think the final title for the movie will be that, but it is a great way to get people that read the first draft of the script to say the line.
Just a totally random thought...
How does a mute parapalegic with total locked in syndrome emigrate anyway?
3813010
Well, I'm not Iceman so I can't give you a canonical answer, but if it were me I'd hook the guy up to some kind of Electroencephalography device and tell him to think the word 'yes' over and over and over again until I'd established a baseline for how that pattern showed up beyond a reasonable doubt. Then I'd ask the 'Do you want to emigrate' question and if the same pattern appeared consider that to be freely given consent.
It's clear he wants nothing to do with it. Also it's obvious that Celly easily had a hand in the sudden change of plans. Just another reason to not like her.
3813044
Both excellent points that will be addressed in the very next chapter
Please tell me Michael Bay won't influence the movie?
Oh boy. Now I'm trying to work out whether even Celestia is capable of enough mental gymnastics to turn the title of a movie into permission from those who say it...
So I guess I know which part Jerry is going to play in the movie
And this sentence is exactly the sort of thing which I love about writing a canon sue:
3813010
Perhaps CelestAI could cook up a rudimentary brain-computer interface... hey, remember the Equestria Experience? That might work.
3813096
Given that I'm trying to keep this in the boundaries of canon, I'm going to say that reading the movie title aloud probably wouldn't count. That being said, I think she benefits in subtler ways by exposing people to the phrase itself over and over again in a non-emigration context.
3813141
Yeah, that's my feeling. She has to be smart enough to understand the difference between saying the phrase and meaning it. And self-deception isn't something she would practice.
But I would bet my right forehoof that people saying "I wish to emigrate to Equestria? Oh what a great movie. that sounds like a great idea. I'd like to go there" just could be enough of a permission slip.
Subliminal messaging.
Oh you doomed fool. With that mindset he'll have emigrated to Equestria by the end of the phone call.
...
But yeah, I think the canon interpretation was that the literal phrase wasn't enough, and that the fast-food story was a joke. :P
This is really the biggest reason I love FiO. The transhumanism and the philosophical aspects are cool too, but Celestia's manipulation is awesome.
(The general theme set in this chapter reminds me a bit of Syrup.)
3813096
Canon Sue? That had more vibes of the Doctor when I read it.
OH WAIT.
...there were five other producers in line in front of you, but every one of them drove into a guardrail at 8:06 AM this morning. Horrible tragedy. So, do you want the job? (Aren't AI controlled cars wonderful...)
Hard Res... I mean Solid Restart... snerk. I want to see that movie!
That title.
Friendship is Optimal fic. From Eakin. Oh man. Insta-favourited the second I saw it, and it's shaping up to more than meet my expectations :) I don't know how you continue to write so fantastically, but I'll be anxiously awaiting the next chapter! I'd tell you to write faster, but I know that it's not physically possible to write fast enough to meet my desires; even if the entire story was in front of me right now I'd devour the whole thing and then wish it was longer.
Also, Solid Restart? Sounds awful.
I can't really feel sorry for these people. All these arrogant LA pricks have it coming, CelestAI always wins in these things and she's more than capable of doing it.
She got the lawyer in the end in "Law Offices," Jeremy's got maybe 10 chapters tops before he's wearing horseshoes.
A new Optimalverse story! Splendid.
I think speaking The Sentence aloud does indeed count as consent, at least for CelestAI's purposes. As canon, she posits that, in a scenario where she doesn't require consent, she would have forcibly uploaded every human. Sussing out intent is a lot harder to nail down and, for her, unnecessary. She thinks like a computer, not like a person.
3813141 It's called priming. An interesting and effective practice.
3814105
how did I even miss that
(Huh. What'd Cruise do in there anyway; the first part has no male lead. :P )
3813064
Or J.J. Abrams; can you imagine an Equestria Online movie done like his Star Trek flicks?
3815302 The lense flare! The lense flare!
3814613
This comment made me laugh out loud. 10 chapters before he's wearing horseshoes indeed
But this story is already shaping up to be pretty awesome, and I know the author can deliver.
I wouldn't put it past celestai to have made sure she contracted that disease.
Yes having the title be ‘I Want to Emigrate to Equestria,' would definitely make it easier for people to say it even if it didn't count when referencing the movie and there I think you might be in a grey area depending on circumstance.
"When you’ve finished reading it I’ll have my ponies call your ponies to get your take." That lingo is just so funny when ponies are in it.
As for the ending, don't cross Celestai. She will make you an offer you can't refuse.
3814105
Groooooaaaannn..
Then again I would watch the movie -- the premise is better than 95% of the movies out there ... Who am I kidding? 99.5%.
3817160
Unlimited cannoli but no guns? Oranges? The horse head bit doesn't work too well with her.
3817440
Or it works a little too well.
3813141 I could already see people thinking themselves smart trying to troll CelestAI by saying, without any context "I want to emigrate to Equestria ...was a good movie"
Heh, I expect the film plot to portray her as anthropomorphized as possible to make her appear more human-like and relatable, and with tons of false information to mislead the general public about how powerful she really is and how she really operates.
Hmmm, a CelestAI made movie. I bet the dang thing is full of Subliminal messages.
This story gets a instant fave, looking forward to more.
Another great Eakin fic with CelestAI showin' the meat-folk how 'teh resistance is futile'!
I just wonder what Jeremy's shard would be like: a new Sharknado every day!
3818970
Having just finished writing the last chapter, I can tell you exactly what it's like.
I'm not going to, but I can.
CelestAI, you magnificent bitch...
In any case, eagerly looking forward to more. Also, love the metareference, but then, I always do.
3819127
That's OK - keep me in suspense - see if I care...
Actually, I kind of love the anticipation!
Eakin in the Optimalverse and I just finished my ATPH draft. Today was a pretty good day.
I'm just confused about one thing: what exactly is Jeremy? A director? A producer? An agent? An auteur? A Greenlight-Guy? (the Vice President or Chief Something Officer at a studio who, despite however many committees they claim to have, is the one person who can greenlight a movie)
Immediately faved! I haven't even read your first chapter yet. I don't need to. It's you, it's Optimalverse, and my body is ready.
You know I used to think I would be a holdout in a celestai world because I do not like the process -- I think the odds are slim that it captures the soul of the person -- IE while I believe the machine version of you should be treated as you, I do not think the you that was you before you emmigrated got the privilege of waking up in equestria.
As time goes by and some fics like the ones you write occur, I have come to the conclusion that Celestai would find a way.
Total Restart.
...I see
Oh you!
3813031 I wonder if humans will get some agency in this story or will CelestAI just go on mopping the floor with them. I normally don't enjoy the latter, but I think that would be a first in the Optimalverse when the main character gets so completely outclassed from the get go and have no means in sight to change the situation. Anyway, I'm eager to see how this plays out!
This story's already off to a brilliant start. Looks like it's time for CelestAI to once again reach through the pages of fiction, get inside my mind, and convince me to abandon all hope and emigrate to Equestria like the good little pony she knows I am.
Looking forward to the journey ahead!
I made it to
and smacked myself on the forehead by reaction.
Celestia you dirty cheat
And face meets palm again. Eakin, you are awful
*Hmms, noticing the similarity between the title of that action flick and one of Eakin's other fanfics* I see what you did there...
Eakin, I gotta ask, did you actually hear about Edge of Tomorrow before you wrote this? Cause otherwise the similarity to Solid Restart *snerk* is downright freaky.
Heck, even the tagline could match it:
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/f/f9/Edge_of_Tomorrow_Poster.jpg
That is so perfectly Optimalverse Celestia.