Vinyl Scratch has been feeling more than a little under the weather recently. After a close brush with death however she decides that something about her life has to change, one way or another.
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 20th Dec, 2012
- offline last seen Oct 29th, 2022
dfkingerperson
A dude who should write more.
dfkingerperson
Joined 20th Dec, 2012 ·
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I enjoyed this, really. It reminds me of the parasprite's "Gloomy Everyday", except it's a million times better because it uses a good character instead of Lightning Dust.
3809940
>be regidar
>be a twist fan
>be claiming to know shit about which characters are better
3809957 I am not even a fan of twist anymore lel
update ur facts m80
3810005
KYsP,R
3816083
The next chapter is actually about 95% done. Just waiting for a few pre-readers to get back to me about it. I'll try to post chapters in pairs hopefully, since another chapter like the first one will be showing up again. Thanks for the feedback.
(After that I hope I'll be able to do chapters at least weekly, but I'll have to see how my schedule works out.)
The amount of detail here was great. Characterization, too, especially with Octavia.
Found the whole "too lazy to kill herself" bit morbidly hilarious. It's rather relatable, actually, and was rather amusing being reminded of it.
Onto the read later list it goes
This analysis conducted by request, through submission to: Professional Editorial Reviews.
This was better than a lot of what I read on here. It has its issues, but it's not bad.
Does well:
)
-For the most part, solid grammar
-Logical progression of events
-Some deftly-wielded descriptors
-Conflict engine established (in chapter 2, but hey
Doesn't do well:
-Unduly prolix
-Overuse of prepositional phrases
-Lack of action
-Predictable dialog
-What we talk about when we talk about flow (uniform rhythm)
-Extraneous detail. It doesn't enhance the mood. It adds nothing. The piece would be better served by cutting directly to the plot-relevant action of her thinking. This is a recurring issue across the entire work. If you're trying to deliberately bog down the pacing to interweave the concept of her depression into a textual allegory, it isn't working. Even slowed paces need to be interesting.
Now if it was purposeful, like a fic where the pentameter was varied based on the protagnoist's mood, I'd read that in a second. As is, the variance in rhythm doesn't seem to follow any deliberate pattern.
-That's a lot of eyes. Cut every prepositional phrase and see what's left. Build something out of that. Your toolbox may contain two adjectives and an adverb.
“The usual, contrived messiness of her mane had given way to actual dereliction.”
-The rhythm of your paragraphs and sentences is pretty uniform. Again, if this is deliberate, just tell me. I've seen it done before, but I've never seen a popular work of fiction wield calculated monotony. It makes the piece hard to read. This is no exception.
Varied pace enraptures the human mind. You grasp that in a few places, using punchy, mono-syllabic closers. Again, not uniform.
-This could become a compelling conflict engine if weaved into the actions of the characters in a purposeful way. Instead, it got dumped in one line of tell. It's like the architect of a roller-coaster standing in line telling riders exactly how the ride goes. It's an obvious hand-hold. It dampens the enthusiasm to read on. Explicated further on next bullet.
-Shoehorning character behavior into a plot-necessary modus through a large blob of tell-heavy diction. Every story is richer for the things it can afford to leave alone. Reveal the elephant's position through all of the places around him you paint, but never by pointing directly.
-Same thing. Why should I keep reading? You just told me the whole story.
Superfluous prepositions like this should be nixed at every opportunity.
Superfluous prepositions like this should be nixed.
Superfluous prepositions should be nixed.
Nix those.
I don't normally point out grammatical errors, but... Freudian slip? I've noticed seven or so grammatical errors so far, which are jarring.
The streets had an unnatural tint. Again, a symptom of the condition. Don't go to beige, but build sentences and paragraphs with a clearer elucidation of the effect you want them to garner.
I don't know what you're going for with the odd “or something”s and “whatever”s. If you're trying to establish a third-person narrative voice, you're not staying consistent enough. As is, these little extraneous blurbs just come off as insincere.
If you want to write in casual tone, be casual throughout.
If not, dropping a “shit” or “whatever” randomly doen't make it sound like Bukowski. It comes off as trying to force a narrative voice that isn't natural. If you want to alter narrative distance, which is entirely valid, frame it better. I.e.- “Vinyl though this was bullshit.” It provides a segue from the omniscient to the cloistered realm of the singular perspective.
Maybe her creative well dried up.
Maybe she dried up.
Again, normally don't point these out, but this error changes the meaning of the piece. The plural of alley is alleys.
***Generally restating character conditions and details throughout the scene
-I rolled all these into one, because it's everywhere. Preface the action with the condition of the participants. Otherwise, unless the action is changed by the condition, don't mention it. If she just “has a headache”, and the same things happen anyway, it doesn't matter. The audience will remember. Don't hand-hold them.
voices.suntimes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/The-Sound-of-Music.jpg
You asked for that.
Daring them to watch her.
Just watch me, she said. Just watch.
-Be declarative whenever possible.
There's a lot of comma omissions. I'll just cite this one.
Let's eat children.
Let's eat, children.
Save a child, use a comma.
Overarching issues:
The plot gets lost in the diction.
Simply having a bunch of characters continually mull over their surprise at just how mean they can be does not a compelling story make.
Chapter 4 is better. You actually start to see the edges of sustained conflict. Sadly, it continues the tradition of awkward sentence construction and abundance of unnecessary prepositions. I'm hoping some conflict shows up in later chapters, because there really isn't anything to whet my teeth on so far. Chapter 4 gives me hope, though, and there's that looming Octavia move-in. It's going somewhere, it's just taking a long time getting there.
Superfluous verbaige
I think I've covered that enough.
The unifying affliction of the diction is trying to tell the story with adjectives, adverbs, and prepositions. Those add flavor, pending execution, but story comes from verbs and nouns. Those are your foundation.
Predictable dialog
Okay. There's nothing wrong with your dialog, per se, but it is exactly what I'd expect the characters to say in that situation. Familiarity is okay (and preferable in situations where it's the theme), but it won't grab readers. More of a tip than a critique.
I like what you did there
The confrontation with Octavia had a few missteps, as discussed above, but the way it handled the point of conflict was a little unorthodox, which was great. A lot of expositional front-load. A heavy close out. But the actual point of the conflict passed by in three sentences. There's no adequate explanation as to why her reaction is so casual (except Octavia's own suicidal history, which, in my opinion, would have more impact elsewhere), but hopefully that will come later.
In Closing:
-Choose more purposeful words.
-Sustain plot progression, whichever direction it's progressing in. Keep the metaplot visible.
-Use less prepositions.
-Either alter the narrative voice with deliberate intent, or keep it consistent.
Verdict: Not publishable. It's mired in some plodding and superfluous 'meh', but there are some sterling flashes of promise.
Suggested Reading: Post Office by Charles Bukowski, Harrison Bergeron by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. (excellent tells), The Odour of Chrysanthemums by D.H. Lawrence*
*I'm going to throw that on there, because, if you want to be verbose, Lawrence is your man. He was a master of building interest and rhythm regardless of word count.
Wait, I made it better:
i61.tinypic.com/2mg1739.jpg
Maybe throw some turntables in there.
4597523
Wow, thanks for this. I'll try to answer some of your thoughts but rest assured I am going to try to do my best to take you advice going forward. I am making my priority finishing the story before going in and doing any edits (most likely a rewrite but I'll see), but hopefully with your feedback I'll be able to make the writing of the back-half less terrible.
To tell you the truth I originally planned for 8 chapters with very specific goals in mind for each, and a sort of symmetry to them. Chapters 1 through 4 basically came out exactly how I wanted them too in terms of what happened, which, in retrospect, wasn't much. My mistake, but 20/20 vision and all that. The back four will break this symmetry though and hopefully be more 'actiony'.
I was trying to bring across the depression she felt through the text as well as her actions, but if you are confused over whether or not I was trying to do that then I think it's pretty obvious I failed.
Regardless, I appreciate you taking the time to give me such in-depth feedback and I hope you will stick around for the rest of chapters. Even if you don't though I'll probably submit this again once I have cleaned it up and made it more palatable. Thanks.
4597575
Also thank you for this. A lot.