• Member Since 9th Nov, 2013
  • offline last seen May 22nd, 2015


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Comments ( 39 )

Way too much twilight fanfics, why are people making so much? The obvious answer is that their foggots. David Throne would agree.
Next time make a fic of a non-shit-tier pony, or best pony (Cadence.)

Wait... Someone human wrote this? I am sorry but this is so mechanical, so straightforward that it just can't be. This may come off as sounding like a jerk but if you can reflect and it helps you write better than by all means call me a jerk.
There was no subtly. From the start it is so painfully obvious who this crush of Twilight is. There was no clear definition of conflict, there is but it was solved almost instantly.
Then, to top it off you had this little beauty,

"Sure thing Twilight. "
{Leaves the library and heads to the fashion boutique}
"So what have you been doing Spike?"

Those brackets... Get rid of them!! You only use those to signify a change in time, in acting they are used like this but even them the action is not being executed. Twilight is still in the library, Furthermore You gave no indication that Twilight had brought Spike along, even more for hiim not to put two and two together that Twilight had written that note is by far OOC.
But wait there is more!

Amazed at the discovery she wonders what other secrets the library might be holding. Putting the book about feelings back because of that note told her what she was feeling. Blushing at herself because she had a crush on her closest friend and didn't realize it until now.

:facehoof: No. Just no.
Take this with a pinch of salt. This could be so much better, so much, and I have a feeling you can be. You just need to get your feet wet, get a good proofreader, and read. Yes read all the fanfictions here, learn the art of writing, or go on the fly. Just learn, learn, learn!

Dude i respect your opinion but honestly it don't mean anything in this case so sorry if its not your style but just to be straight to the point don't read it then

Lol your not a jerk i have known far worse and this is just a rough draft

So... To clarify. This will be changed later?

Thats right :) im just tired after all im not use to being awake around 11:39 pm

Okay...:unsuresweetie: Than can I give recommendations or you got this?

Dude the more help the better

It's dangerous to go alone! Take this.

Than lets start here.

It was a cold morning when the princess woke up, upon hearing her door open. Opening her eyes to look at who entered her room.
“Good morning Spike how did you sleep?"
" Good morning Twilight I slept peacefully what about you?"
" I tossed and turned a little otherwise I slept great."
"That’s good Twilight… Oh that reminds me I made pancakes for breakfast."
" Thank you Spike and I will be down in a minute. "
Your welcome Twilight and alright.”

The cold winter morning had left an impression in the wooden library, A heavy foreboding cold that would cause most creatures to sleep in. As a nearby bed a form was rustling under the covers trying its hardest to avoid the cold but this was not a day to sleep in. There was more to do than just laze about and even more more for the newly crowned princess that was in said bed. To be fair she would have slept just a tiny few hours longer, had it not been for the knocking at her door.
"Come on Twilight! it's time to get up." A familiar reptilian voice called as the princess grumbled a half devised retort. "Don't take that language with me. I'm cold blooded and still moving in this little chill. So get that flank out of bed." To which came a long list of curses and spite from the lackadaisical alicorn. "Language!" The voice hollered. "Besides if you don't get out of bed those pancakes my just vanish without a trace."
She was betrayed! Her stomach would have released a mighty shout at the mention of pancakes, now it was more so considering who cooked them.
"FINE!!" She shouted levitating the covers off herself. "I'll be down in a minute."

True that would open far more doors but now it would be copyrighted :D

Very faster. :ajbemused:

I don't really care if you use this, it is your story, only said differently.

Ok thank you i might reword it and all that but i really need to get going for tonight so thank you everyone and good night or good morning

I finally updated please let me know what you think of the changes

3804628 Have you seen how many Sparity fics are out there?
Also, you're calling others faggots when;
A: You watch a show about talking, colorful ponies and
B: You favorite character from said show is a pink, alicorn princess who spreads love everywhere she goes......
Yeah, everyone else is a faggot, dumbshit.

This story is good, but very rushed. Make sure to utilize your surroundings with this fic, description not only helps the read of the story's presents but also maximizes the amount of work that can be put into a story. Good luck.

3806471 thank you I wasn't fully aware of the tempo of my story and ikr people should think before they make comments like that

3806482 I can understand that, a lot of people forget that when you describe even the smallest detail, you can create so much. Description on who's talking and what expression they have while talking or even the body language that's given off during conversation is a great way to go deeper into any story or situation.

:) thank you for the help!

I need a proofreader

It's dangerous to fanfic alone! Take this.

3809265 Thank you for showing me the links

Well im bored :) any one want to talk?

Good history in if it's a bit generic at the moment, could you put some adventure or something for longer plot. :ajsleepy:

In terms of the development of the relationship of spike and twlight romantic I'm afraid that is too rushed, but not is an declared or anything of his romance. Does that is predictable and generic where is their relationship, my advice is that you develop this point much to have a base their love believable put jealous to twlight or something so :pinkiesick:

A last tip is that you try to put the dialogues in the paragraphs, how you do it so far it's been the fic to Miss elegance.

I also write a fic but in Spanish I don't already speak English. Although I am making plans to publish it here on this page with other users. :twilightsmile:

Luck, and support to anyone who likes the Spilight. :moustache::heart::twilightblush:

3811757 thank you for the pointers and good luck

Ok, please space out the dialogue. It's really confusing when every bit is like one person talking.
Also try to combine the chapters, surprisingly enough this and the last chapter could easily just be one big(albeit less than 2000 word)chapter.
All in all for this story, do what you want to do. This is your story, not the fans.

I spaced it out and i think im going to combine the 2 chapters "delete" the third and build on from their so I don't think their will be a new chapter tommorow just editing. Just so you know what to expect.

I think you should introduce your OCD, that would make an interesting twist to the story

My advice would be that you take 3 chapters and become one. For the next write one of the at least 3000 words that follow so you kill the interest of the reader and would have a history of 30 chapters with just 10,000 words. :twilightsmile:

Another thing not understood the dialogues, the first it was fine but then all returned to do as the first 2 chapters, were in fact much more confusing.:rainbowhuh:

In summary.

1: Chapters more long minimum 2,000 words

2: Do not change the way of telling the dialogues of the characters in the middle of the chapter

3: Some errors

4: Detailed more spike and twlight relationship not the forces too.

3815334 Okay I will try to clear the confusion out in a few chapters hopefully if not it just means im excited to be an uncle! Plus im going to try this first fic without a proof reader for now until I reach 4,000 words alright?

I don't remember calling anyone faggots, that would just be mean.

3848577 ~And yet I don't care~

Then why did you start this argument?

3853091 You mean the argument that "started" a little over a week ago?
Point is that I moved on and completely did not care about this nor gave it a second thought afterward. Good Day Sir!

Does any1 like the first person point of view? If so I will finish this chapter like that

Will this be fixed? If not, then I will have to downvote. :applejackunsure:

5117614 im moving the story to my other profile XD just taking my sweet time about fixing and editing and all that good stuff before i upload it again

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