Speak!
Grade seven's going to be the best year yet! Cheerilee thought to herself as she trotted through the sunny streets.
She'd done what she usually did for the first day of school---wake up early and spend two and a half hours styling her mane so it looked like she just rolled out of bed, much to her parents' consternation. Another half-hour in the bathroom to put on concealer and lip gloss, the only makeup her mother would allow. Then she'd listen indulgently as her father scolded her on her appearance over breakfast, only to silence him with a peck on the cheek as she waltzed out the door.
The small school was already looming on the horizon, and Cheerilee picked up her pace. She couldn't be late on the first day! She had to make a good impression, especially now that her family had finally settled somewhere. No more facing a new town every six months---no, they were going to stay in Ponyville for a good long while, her parents had assured her, which meant that she could finally make some fast friends instead of just pen pals.
And it also means you can't just make a mistake and leave it behind you anymore, her mother's nagging voice echoed in her head.
She was at the front gates before she knew it. Good, no broken glass, no graffiti, no sketchy older ponies sucking on cigarettes lingering out front---this place was already better than the last three cities she'd lived in.
A quick scan of the schoolyard, and Cheerilee could pick out most of the cliques: the cluster of overly-painted fillies giggling priggishly to each other---she made a mental note to avoid them---the jocks and their predictable game of hoofball down on the field, the moping crowd who had just discovered angst and eyeliner, and a few knots of nerds here and there. No matter where she went, the flora and fauna of junior high always stayed the same. She knew what to do: find the rag-tag group that were friends with each other only because they fit in nowhere else, and get to know them better.
But before she got to that, somepony caught her eye. A large, lanky colt who looked like he hadn't quite grown into his limbs was sitting by himself under the shade of a tree, poring over a book that looked too battered and well-loved to have been on the curriculum. Although he seemed content to be by himself, he would offer a smile and nod to a few of the passers-by. Her interest was piqued. He had a kind of rugged handsomeness to him, even though he was wearing a yoke that looked a few sizes too big, and his mane and tail had obviously never seen a stylist. She felt her cheeks heat up a bit. Having been shuffled from big city to big city, it had been awhile since she'd spoken with a real country boy.
Cheerilee put on her mega-watt smile---the one she'd been practicing in the mirror ever since she got fitted with those damnable braces---and trotted over to him. Why not? she thought. Nopony reads a dusty old tome like that unless he's smart, which means he's gotta be interesting.... and it doesn't hurt that he's cute, too!
When her shadow fell over the pages, the colt looked up in surprise.
"Hi!" she said brightly.
He looked over his shoulder, and, seeing no one there, turned his attention back to her. He pointed at himself with a confused expression.
"Yes, you! Mind if I join you?"
"Uh... n-nope," he mumbled, closing his book.
She flopped down beside him, not touching, but just close enough that she could feel the warmth of his body. "So! I know you're, like, reading and all, and it's totally rude to interrupt, so I'm not gonna bug you for too long."
One of the things her father always admonished her for was to stop 'chattering' and let other ponies have a turn at the conversation, so Cheerilee paused, waiting for the colt to say something.
Anything.
After a few long seconds, she went on: "Anyway, I'm new here! I just moved to Ponyville a week ago. It seems like a really great place!"
"Eeyup."
Ooh, his voice had already changed! Nice. Not even a hint of a squeak. "But with all the moving and unpacking and stuff, I haven't even had the chance to take a tour of the school yet. I think I might get lost. Is it really big?"
"Nope."
"Oh! Ohmigosh, where are my manners?" She offered her hoof, and after a moment, he took it with a tiny smile. "I should have introduced myself first! Duh. I'm Cheerilee."
He shook her hoof, and she tilted her head forward a bit. Her smile was starting to feel tight. Okay, sweetie, this is the part where you tell me YOUR name...
When it became abundantly clear that wasn't going to happen, she started to get the first pricklings of nervousness in her gut. "Um... so, heh, do ponies ever call you 'Red'?"
He just raised an eyebrow.
"Y'know, because of you coat colour!"
When he frowned in confusion, the pinch in her belly tightened to a full-blown knot. What am I doing wrong? Did I forget to put deodorant on this morning or something? "Uh... well, it's just... the fillies at my old school used to call me Pink because of my mane, but, I mean, who wants to be named after a colour, right? Lame!"
"Eeyup," he said, but he was starting to look as uncomfortable as she was.
Cheerilee bit her lip. She knew some colts her age were awkward around pretty fillies, but with her metal-mouth and frizzy mane, she didn't think herself to be that intimidating.
"Are you new here, too?"
"Nope."
Oookay. If she was going to have a proper conversation with this colt, she was apparently going to have to ask something that didn't have a yes or no answer.
Keep him interested! Ask him about himself... "So, what're you reading there?"
He just held the book up.
"'Music of the Primes'," she read aloud, "'Searching to Solve the Greatest Mystery in Mathematics'. Wow. Sounds like a real page-turner."
"Eeyup."
Her first reaction was to inform him of her sarcasm, but she quickly decided against it. "Okay, then. Um. I'll just let you get back to your reading."
The shrill of the bell made her jump; she hadn't realized quite how tense she'd become. Getting back to her hooves, Cheerilee put her smile back on and said "Well, nice talking with you, Red. See ya around!"
The fact that a blush could show up under his coat colour surprised her, and he turned his head to the side. That's when her ears perked up in excitement---she couldn't read lips, but she'd seen them move! He'd just said what looked like a sentence!
"Sorry, did you say something?"
"Eeyup," he said, still looking away. "Bye."
She managed to get out of earshot before sighing.
"We have a new student with us today."
Cheerilee sat up straighter. The few minutes she'd spent in the bathroom making sure her hair still looked okay had made her late, and she got stuck sitting in the front of the class. Usually she liked to sit around the middle so she could get a good scan of her new classmates first, but she decided she'd have to do that as quickly as possible when called to come to the front to introduce herself.
"Her name is Ch... Cheery Lie..."
She winced. Why did every teacher mispronounce her name?
"So, why don't you come up here and tell us all a little about yourself?" the teacher concluded with a well-creased smile.
Giving the classroom a fast once-over as she rose, she noted it had a smattering of all the cliques she'd seen outside, including several of the stuck-up ones, who were already sneering. And---oh, no. 'Red' was sitting in the back row, fastidiously avoiding her gaze.
"Uh, hi!" she said, beaming and waving at her new potential friends. "My name's actually Cheerilee---"
The teacher blushed, and a little titter went around the room.
"It's totally okay, everypony gets it wrong," she added with a giggle. "Anyway, we just moved here. My dad's old job meant we moved around a lot, but he's got a new one here, so we're, like, officially Ponyvillians now. Um..."
She eyed the two jocks in the second-to-last row. "I like playing hoofball, but I totally suck at it, so if you want an easy win, just make sure the other team gets me!" Her confidence grew when she saw them nod in approval. Colts like it when you're interested in their games, but hate it if you're better than them, her mother had told her once.
"I speak two languages---Equestrian, and profanity." That got a chuckle from the wastoids at the back.
"Oh! And I'm totally into sci-fi movies and fantasy novels. My favourite movies are set in outer space." The nerds in the front row suddenly seemed a lot more interested.
Cheerilee shrugged. "So, yeah, that's me. Any questions?"
"Yeah, I got one," said one of the snotty fillies. "How many radio stations do you pick up with all that metal in your mouth?"
Her face suddenly got hot, and the gaggle of girls burst into laughter. When they were done their giggling, and before the teacher could admonish them, Cheerilee snapped "Oh, I hear a lot of stuff. Last night I heard your mom fucking every stallion in this town."
Even with the dead silence in the classroom, she was sure they could hear how loud her heart was pounding.
Then someone started a slow clap.
Cheerilee hadn't thought her eyes could get any wider, but they nearly bugged out of her head when she saw where it was coming from. 'Red' was grinning broadly at her, clopping his front hooves together.
"Cheerilee," the teacher said evenly, "This is your first day, so I won't get you in trouble for that. But I do not put up with that kind of language in my classroom."
"And I don't put up with jerks anywhere," she answered.
By the time she got back to her seat, most of her classmates had joined in the applause.
The first lunch hour was always nerve-wracking, but by now she'd learned how to deal with it; much like she did in class, she gave the cafeteria a once-over, figured out which tables to avoid---that ashen-coloured bitch who'd made the crack about her orthodontic work was far enough away, thank Celestia---and zoned in on one that looked promising. It was full of colts, but she'd never let that deter her before. She recognized two of them from homeroom anyway.
It made her smile to see that 'Red' wasn't alone. Good! Well, at least he's got some friends. It's didn't slip by her, however, that while they were all happily bantering about with each other, he was just following the conversation with his eyes, smiling and nodding, as if a stranger lost in a land where no one spoke his language.
Cheerilee plunked her tray down at the one empty spot---right across from 'Red'---and said "Hi, boys! Mind if I join you?"
They all looked at her warily, and she rolled her eyes. "Oh, really? Aren't you a little old to believe in cooties?"
At that, they all laughed, and she eased into her seat. Suddenly the colt to her left did a double-take and plopped his hoof down on her shoulder. "Oh, shit! You're the new filly, right?"
"Yup!"
He turned excitedly back to his friends. "Guys! Guys! She's the one I was telling you about!"
"Uh... that doesn't sound too good," she said, trying to keep her nerves out of her laugh.
"No, it's awesome! The way you showed that bitch up?" He held up his hooves and let out a whistle. "Oh man, I wish I had the balls to do that!"
"No way! She's the one who told Octavia off?" said a pimply unicorn across the table. He turned to Cheerilee, absent-mindedly pushed his thick glasses back up, and reached across the table to shake her hoof. "Man oh man, I wish we were old enough, 'cause I wanna buy you a beer!"
She cocked her head, looking him over. Sure, he had zits, and those coke-bottles he was peering at her through made his eyes a look little spooky, but... well, he seemed cute enough, even if his voice hadn't broken yet. "Maybe you can buy me a soda sometime," she said coquettishly.
For the second time that day, silence descended around her, and Cheerilee wondered what she'd said wrong. The geeky pony she'd just been talking to had gone as red as his eyes.
Finally, somepony slapped the unicorn on the back and said "See, Scratch? You're not the only fillyfooler here."
Cheerilee's hooves flew to her mouth. "Oh my GOSH! You're a GIRL?!"
The rest of his---no, her friends erupted in laughter, some of them pounding the tabletop. Cheerilee groaned internally. Great first impression, you schmuck.
"Yeah, yeah, real funny, you assholes," Scratch said, but she was smiling.
"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!" Cheerilee squealed. "I didn't--- I mean--- I wasn't looking close enough--- Your mane's so short---"
She held a hoof up. "Hey, it's fine. I get that a lot."
"I... I'm not a fillyfooler," she mumbled. "N-not that there's anything wro---"
"Knock it off, I know you're not," she said with a smirk. "I saw you hitting on Big MacIntosh earlier."
Blinking, Cheerilee stammered "I---what? I wasn't---who?"
But it was too late. The rest of them had heard, and they all began laughing anew. She looked up just in time to see 'Red' get pelted with wadded-up napkins.
"Mac's got a fillyfriend!" one colt sing-songed.
Another elbowed him in the ribs. "Hey, why don't you let the rest of us have a chance with the new one, huh?"
"Why does he get all the luck?"
"Maybe math makes her wet!"
Amid the good-natured mockery, he glanced up and met her eyes. He was blushing.
"So that's your name?" she said shyly.
"Eeyup." It was barely audible.
Cheerilee tried to grab at his hoof, but he swiped it away. "Well, it's nice to finally get introduced, Big MacIntosh. That's a way cooler name than Red, anyway."
"See? See?" Scratch cackled. "She is hitting on him!"
The colt next to him smacked his lips together in an obscene kissing noise. "She calls you Red? Aw, that's so kyuuute!"
Big MacIntosh snorted and folded his forelegs, but he didn't say anything in retaliation.
"Hey, don't let them hound you like that!" Cheerilee said with a grin. "C'mon, stand up for yourself."
"Nope," he muttered.
She giggled, but there was something in his expression that was making her concerned. "What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?"
Some weird flinch went across his face, almost as if her words had struck him like a lash. He brusquely shoved his half-eaten tray away and went stomping out of the cafeteria.
After a few seconds of yet another awkward silence, Cheerilee cleared her throat. "Was it something I said?"
"Hey, you shouldn't pick on him like that," Scratch said. "He's way shy, you know."
"You guys were all making fun of him a minute ago!" she protested.
Picking up his untouched cupcake, she shrugged and said "That's different. We're his friends."
"Yeah. Friends," she said snippily as she got up. "And he just hates me for some reason, right?"
They all stared at her, and Cheerilee grit her teeth, making her brace-stiffened jaw ache. No. No, she could not take another one of these painful lulls in the conversation. No matter what she did today, it seemed like she just kept stepping on social landmines. "Whatever. I'm out."
"Well.... she seems cool," the colt who'd been sitting beside her said as they all watched her leave. "Dibs on her dessert."
The schoolyard was almost empty, which made it easy for her to spot her target, who was lumbering toward the same tree he'd been reading under earlier.
"Hey!"
She saw his shoulders bunch up, but he didn't stop. She had to break into a gallop to catch up with him.
"Big MacIntosh!" She grabbed one of his forelegs and tried to get him to turn to face her, but he pulled away sharply.
"Listen to me!" After pausing to catch her breath, Cheerilee looked up at him again with the big, pleading eyes she was so used to using on her father. "I just want to talk to you!"
He backed up a bit, and his rump collided with the fence. "N-nope."
Seeing as she had backed him into a corner, she decided to press on: "Listen, I'm really, really sorry about what happened in the cafeteria. I didn't mean to make them all laugh at you! Is that why you're mad at me?"
His eyes were darting around, trying to find some escape. "Nope."
He looked more scared than upset, so she tried another tactic. "Um... are you mad at me?"
"Nope."
"Well then, why won't you talk to me?!"
He grimaced, ears flickering back, and Cheerilee took a few deep breaths to calm herself; she knew she could get a little shrill when she was upset.
"I wasn't flirting with you," she said in a gentler tone.
When Big MacIntosh's eyes widened, she quickly added "I didn't mean that! I mean---!"
They both looked down at their hooves. He started tracing a long line back and forth in the dirt.
"It's not that I wouldn't," she whispered. "Flirt with you, I mean. I think you're cute."
He didn't look up.
That was it. She didn't know quite what it was---the stress of the first day, the way the braces were clasping at the back of her molars, her own raging hormones---but she just exploded. "What's the matter with you?!"
It wasn't until he backed further into the fence that she realized she'd been closing in on him. "Look, I'm just trying to be nice here! I'm not one of those grody bitches who'll make fun of everything you say, y'know! You seemed really cool when I first met you, but--- but---"
Big MacIntosh had sat down on his haunches, using his back hooves to scootch away, as if he was genuinely terrified of a screeching filly one-third his size.
"What is it about me that grosses you out so much?" Her eyelids were fluttering, trying in vain to keep the first signs of wetness from smudging the eyeliner she'd swiped from her mother's purse. "Is it my breath or something? What is it?! Tell me!"
He shook his head, and she could already tell by the shape of his mouth he was going to say 'Nope'.
"I have to know!" she said, her voice rising. "And I'm not leaving 'til you tell me! Why won't you talk to me?!"
Again, he met her eyes, and this time she knew she had him.
"Tell me," she repeated.
She wasn't surprised to she his blush, but what came next shocked her: "B-b-b-b-" He quickly turned his head away and squeezed his eyes shut as tight as they could go, as if concentrating as hard as possible. "B-b-b-b-bec---!"
After swallowing a long breath, Big MacIntosh tried again, every syllable catching on his tongue like the needle on a broken record. Sheer humiliation was etched all over his face. "Be-c-c-caus-s-se, I...! I st-st...! I st-st-st..."
She stepped back a few feet.
"I st-st-....I st...I st-st-tut---I stutt----"
"Shh," Cheerilee said, putting a hoof to his face. He looked up, clearly surprised.
"Hey," she said quietly, "You stutter? I... I didn't know that."
"I'm s-s-s-o---! S-s-s-sorr---sorr---"
"No no, don't force it." Cheerilee moved her hooftip from his cheek to his jaw, and pressed down gently. "Take a breath in, and then say one syllable. Just one, not the whole word. Then do it again."
He looked a little hesitant, so she leaned back and put her other hoof on the wooden collar around his neck. "Go on. Try. I won't rush you, promise."
Knowing that eye contact would fluster him, she glanced down at his barrel, watching it rise as he inhaled. "...IIII'm...."
She smiled when she felt his hot breath whoosh across her mane. "Good! Now, another breath in..."
"...S-Sor....r-ry," he finished.
Stepping back, Cheerilee sighed when she saw a strange mixture of embarrassment and relief on his face. "You don't have to apologize. I should be the one who's sorry. I shoulda figured you had some sort of speech disorder."
She sat down, gesturing for him to do the same. When he took a seat beside her, Cheerilee took a deep, shaky breath... and leaned against him. He jumped a little.
"Do you know what apraxia is?"
"N-n-n-nope."
"It's another speech disorder some foals get when they're trying to learn how to talk. You have a really hard time saying a whole word, or figuring out what sounds a word's supposed to have. You can repeat what somepony says, but you have a hard time talking for yourself. You spend a lot of time traveling to and from doctor's appointments, seeing a lot of speech therapists..."
She felt his head turn towards her, but she didn't look up.
"And then you get picked on a lot, so you learn how to be tough. Not so tough that it shows, but just... tough enough that you can make it on your own."
A breeze wafted through the branches above them, and for the first time, the silence felt peaceful.
"I still have a lot of those speech workbooks back home," she said. "Even though I got over that a long time ago, I still keep them around. Just in case I ever need to help somepony else."
Big MacIntosh shuffled a bit, and moved his huge red hoof so that it covered hers.
When Cheerilee finally met his gaze, they were both smiling.
"Maybe...maybe I can teach you something...?"
For a split-second she thought he was moving in for a kiss, but then he put his lips against her ear instead.
"I'd l-l-l-like tha- tha- that a l-l-l-lot," he whispered.
"Eeyup," she answered with a giggle.
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So cute
I love it! Please continue!
Cool, I know Big Mac is one of few words (my son is like that). I never thought of stuttering, good idea! Keep up the good work.
Cheerilee is a snarker?
Very, very well done and honestly I can see the foundation for CheeriMac right here, the friendship has been founded and time will tell if it goes beyond that. I can totally understand why he would be quite, I have a speech impediment myself which is partially why I don't talk often.
and then they get togeather!
My goodness, this is beautiful! It felt natural all the way through; a real story with actual substance and feeling! I can only hope that you will continue this in some way shape or form; the chemistry between them demands it!
Shrapmo DEAMANDS more CheeriMac!!!
This was a downright awesome read! I definitely enjoyed the Octavia insult and Vinyl being a dork haha priceless. Cute ship here.
Oh wow, that was adorable.
That was really really good. I love how well versed Cheerilee is at integrating herself into new schools (She's def a lot better at it than I am). Kinda speaks volumes about how much she's had to travel. Wow, that math book, can't decide if I want to read it, or if I should get it for my adorkable old math teacher (he has a freaking puppy calendar. And names each puppy). I really like how Cheerilee stood up for herself, she don't take no bullcrap from nopony. Wish I was as brave as her. And that Octavia joke: killed me. But definitely not as much as Vinyl being mistaken for a dude did. Nice job Cheerilee, nice job.
Her scene confronting Big Mac, was just touching. Jeez, she just won't lay off him will he, I sympathize with Big Mac, poor guy. At least it's implied that his friends know about it and know that that's a line they can't cross. What nice friends. I rather like that head canon, Big Mac having a speech disorder. It was very sweet of Cheerilee, she was so kind, so- that is what a beautiful person is. Cheerilee is a beautiful person, she has a good heart, but she has spunk, you've characterized her so wonderfully. The way she passively talked about when she had a speech disorder, I don't know that part stood out to me, it just felt so natural the way she doesn't directly say she's talking about herself but you can tell by the way she words what she's saying. And Big Mac was so adorable, kinda contrasts to how he behaves in your other fic, but hey he has his reasons. This was a very enjoyable story to read, beautifully written, and very well characterized. I wish to see more, but at the same time I wonder what more do I want to see? I certainly don't want to see what was implied what happened between them in 'The Two Step', but I digress. If you ever write something more for them, I know it will be worth reading. Happy writing!
there wouldn't happen to be adorable youn Cheerilee and Big Mac art from you that I haven't found right?
1980s Cheerilee cover art? Let me check a couple of thread responses, and I'll be right back to read this!
Edit: Perfectly captures the awkwardness of adolescence -- in both Cheerilee and Big Mac, and in their interactions, and in Vinyl's description as well. Well done. It also gave me more reasons to love Cheerilee.
Oh, and just a tiny bit more slang from the decade wouldn't hurt.
Additional edit: Added this to a bunch of groups, just because I could.
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png
I kind of love this to pieces for several reasons, not the least of which is Vinyl. Cheers and Mac are also downright adorable and relatable.
Most of all, though, I really like your writing style and wish to see more of it.
Now that's something I never considered. A stutter.
A darn shame the writers friendzoned 'em.
This was so freaking awesome! Cheerilee being a good person was awesome, and I like Big Mac being intelligent, not just a dumb hick
3805742
Totally needed a bit more slang here and there, fer sure.
Also maybe one of those silly wannabe types wearing a red jacket and one front shoe/sock.
Little demonstration I saw once on TV. Mel Tillis, a country singer that stutters (though he sings fine) was on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and did like a 2 minute monologue without a single stutter or hesitation; the trick was focusing on something else, in his case he delivered the whole thing moving his finger from corner to corner of an invisible square in front of him the whole time.
So I Liked this story and I noticed something.
It's two upvotes away from a clean hundred...
...and there are zero dislikes.
Congratulations, sir. This is a fine read. I enjoyed seeing our favorite secondary characters and background ponies as teens -- Octavia as a stuck-up bitch is such a perfect fit I DONT EVEN -- and the story itself is just... it just feels natural. Conversational, even.
I'm usually bitching, even at the end of really well-written stories, about grammar issues, spelling errors, poor word choices, and shaky paragraph flow, but I didn't catch a single mistake. The entire story, front to back, smacks of an expert's fingers dancing across the keyboard. You crafted a masterpiece, you got a hundred upvotes without a single thumbs-down, and my friend, you fucking earned it.
I give this story six Big Macs out of a possible five.
3810557
Psst! Author is a ma'am!
i don't upvote stories often, but I'm giving you one. It was cute, reminded me of the times when I was in school (except with a happier outcome), and CheriMac is always nice.
That sounds a lot like me every morning.
Nice fic. I'd like to see more.
115 upvotes and no downvotes?
very well done
followed
3804709
Yeah, that part of their story is obviously much sadder and would have a lot of political ramifications (ones that would probably cause a shitstorm in the comments), so I'm probably going to avoid that. And, no, I haven't actually drawn these two, but I should, right?
3805742
Wow, thanks for all the adds! Awesome!
3810557
That's... amazing. Thank you!
3810978
Actually I'm fairly androgynous, so sir or ma'am are both fine.
Thank you, everyone---these comments were so kind.
3813229
But either way, awesome job!
3813247
Hahahaha, seriously, no worries! I meant it when I said sir or ma'am are both fine. And your comment was wonderful
3813229
You're welcome. Good stories should be shared.
And based on the stats I'm seeing, I think I succeeded in my plan to draw some more attention to the story.
Edit: Yes, you should definitely draw '80s Cheerilee!
MOAR
This is FREAKEN ADORABLE!!!!! I ABSOLUTLY LOVE IT!!!!!!
I can feel for Big Mac
. I had a stutter as well, as bad as his actually. I still have slight stutter, but not as bad as it used to be.
Eeyup.
I'm glad I read this one. Very good.
I now want to hear Cheerilee snark at someone in her class.
This brings back some memories. A+
I'll be honest, when Cheerilee confronted him about how shy he was at first, I got kinda pissed at her. But then, when he finally responded to her properly, the story flipped right over itself into heartwarming and adorable. Really surprised me, and pleasantly so, because I liked the start and got worried the mood would be killed for me.
Brava.
that was nice.
I reckon you'd have the good start to a longer story here, everyone loves a good cherri-mac and school fic.
Did I stumble into a Harry Potter self-insertion fanfic?
3825881
You'll have to elaborate. It's been twelve-plus years since I've read any Harry Potter, and only the first one, at that.
3826266 Oh, well, in that case.
I was with you on the story right up until the moment I quoted, which struck me as a pretty drastic departure from reality (yes, I know that this is a story about talking magic friendship horses, so reality is obviously a relative term). Cheerilee's able to win over most - maybe all? - of the cliques in moments, because she knows exactly how to appeal to all of them. She's able to send the entire classroom into thunderous applause with some petty, C-grade snark. I can accept the teacher cutting her slack on dropping the F-bomb on her first day of class, but then she backtalks her immediately, and the teacher just lets her walk. The "slow-clap-leading-to-roomwide-applause" trope is overplayed, and it smacks of cliche when used here.
In summary, too much goes Cheerilee's way, and in an overdone manner. The word "Mary-Sue" gets thrown around so often that it starts to lose meaning, but Cheerilee introducing herself to the class, in its entirety, is almost a textbook case (I say "almost" because there are no textbooks on the subject, probably because I need to write them
) .
If I were to make some specific suggestions:
1. Axe the slow clap/applause. Huge cliche. Maybe make Mac's admiration for her something more subtle. Shyly glancing at her, or something. It's also out of character for Mac to do something so extroverted, if you've already established him as quiet and bookish.
2. Cheerilee's a smart girl. She could come up with something more clever than "your mom's a slut" as a comeback. Something reproachful and snarky, sure, and maybe a little profane or risque, but much more subdued. Maybe she stumbles through her introduction right up until that moment, and she wins points not by appealing to all the cliques in just the right way, but by demonstrating that she can spin a comeback with the best of them.
3. Cheerilee does not backtalk the teacher. That just makes her sound arrogant and unappealing.
4. Insulting the popular girl would probably not win her many points among most of her classmates. Some of them might cheer, or laugh, but most of the class would probably treat her with hostility. New students are threats to the status quo, and middle school students adore the status quo.
5. Cheerilee delivers all of her dialogue in the form of slam poetry. That's just something I'd enjoy seeing; you don't need to take that particular piece of advice.
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Well, damn! That's quite the crit. And I mean that in the best possible way; I honestly appreciate constructive criticisms.
I'll be the first to admit this could have used the "four eyes" approach to editing (four eyes, not including the author's, should go over it before it's finished), and I agree that the introduction scene was the weakest.
I guess I should have elaborated more... I wanted to convey that they gave her some props for having something in common, but not that they'd be insta-friends (nor would they come to her rescue later); she just got her hoof in the door, so to speak. I see now that that could have been handled better.
Damn! I was hoping that the screw-ups she made in the cafeteria would counter-balance that, but I can see what you mean---when there'd a huge wad of too-much-going-right in one place, it can be glaring.
Onto your numbered points...
You do make a good point that Mac wouldn't want to draw such attention to himself at this point in his life.
1. Aw, but that's one of the few cliches I actually like... probably because it actually happened to me around that age, hahaha
2. Maybe, maybe not. I've seen many a smart person be completely flustered/dumbfounded by the simplest insults; have you heard the term "halfway up the staircase"? It refers to the feeling you get when you think of the perfect rebuttal ten minutes too late. From what I remember of junior high, any comeback was usually better than none. That said, the way you phrased this has me liking the idea of her stumbling through her intro, just as you described... *sigh* Well, too late now, I suppose.
3. Was that actually back-talking??
I had such a range of teachers that to this day I'm not entirely sure what back-talking is. (Some would let a lot slide; some would punish me for everything.) I'll have to take your word for it. Maybe it would have been cuter if she'd just returned to her desk after seeing Mac smile....
4. By this point, I'm starting to think I just had a very weird upbringing.
5. If I knew how to write slam poetry, I might!
Anyway, thanks again for being so detailed in your reply. Since this was a one-shot, I'm not sure if it would be worth it to go back and extensively edit, but I'll keep what you said in mind (esp. avoiding cliches, even if I like them---I know not everyone will, heh!---and avoiding Mary Sueisms) going forward.
3826719 lel
3812953 shit, sorry...
i jinxed it
...
I'll look that book up.
Might I also recommend The Loom of God by Pickover?
Also, Godel, Escher, Bach. It really should be required reading for any college admission, if not highschool graduation. Not so much for the mathematical insight, but because it teaches you HOW to think.
Also, God and Golem, Inc. and Cybernetics by Norbert Wiener, Neuromancer by William Gibson and Ghost in the Shell by Masamune.
3826556 Omigawsh, I'm relieved you took that well. I think authors who can take actual criticism on their work have some sort of special gene that sets them apart from the rest of the world. Most people react defensively when confronted with flaws in their work. Especially fanfic authors. Especially fanfic authors in fandoms like this one.
I'm glad you're not one of those people!
3830055
Well you took the time to think of a reply and write out a long, detailed comment, which means you not only read the story, but analysed it as well. And it's helpful! I meant it when I said I appreciate constructive crits
I feel like I need more. You did a great job with this.
I like-y this story.
I grew up in SoCal.
Because of you, Cheerilee now has a permanent 'Valley Girl' sound to her. I can't even 'like' remember what she sounds like in the show at the moment!
'Like' Ohmygod! You totally write that era's collective speech impediment sooo 'like' good and stuff.
Vinyl is nerdy and a bit butch. (seventh grade, who isn't?) That caught me off guard. So much so, I didn't make the "Scratch" connection right away. And Octavia is an alpha? I expected her to be introverted or snobbish, but not a clique queen.
The classroom scene has been critiqued, 'though I had fewer problems with it so, I'll leave that.
My major issue is why Mac's friends couldn't tell Cheerilee he stammers. It would make her pursuit of him more believable, as she can sympathize with his ailment.
Obviously you had a story to tell and wanted the surprise, but I felt that her leaving the table to chase him down was wrong or rushed. It seems to me that Cheerilee should have been trying for at least a week to get through to Mac for her to chase and corner him the way she did, but that would have added pages of build-up to this beautiful short story.
Did you feel this too but, make the choice to keep it short and sweet?
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I should have added a few more lines in there to hint at why they didn't; basically, they didn't want to 'out' him since it's a sore spot, and didn't know Cheerilee well enough to know that she'd go after him, assuming she was just stomping off in a huff instead. Basically I derped
3879566
ETA: I forgot to mention: I had an acquaintance in high school who stuttered because of cerebral palsy. I knew him for quite awhile before I ever heard him speak, even though we had friends in common; if I asked him a direct question, he'd glance to one of his close friends, who'd then answer for him. His buddies never brought up his speech issues, presumably out of respect. *shrug* I should have elaborated in the story.
This was a very good read. I wrote a story myself with the theme of Big Mac saying nothing until the end. I find it fun to make Mac a mystery and then reveal something important about him as the story closes.
I also liked your depictions of the younger versions of a lot of characters. Not to mention you hit Junior-high spot on haha.
nicely written, have a fav
Excellent! A thoroughly enjoyable slice of life piece. Very nice take on both Mac and Cheerilee, not to mention some others. UVF'd you have an wonderful sense of character and the dialogue was very fluid.
And I must say I'm jealous of that 219-1 likes ratio, but this piece certainly deserves that, and better.
I'm gonna shoot the one person who downvoted this.