• Member Since 22nd Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Mar 1st, 2019

damandan28


T

a man wakes up in the land of equestria with no knowledge on how he got there. will he ever get back home? will he stay? will he find new love? will he be the protecter equestia needs? all of this is unknown even to the author.
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AN: this is my first fanfic and im not used to writing for fun. Please leave feedback. i plan to write for a long time (unless this sucks). trying to find some fan art to use as a cover. PM me if you have any.

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 25 )

338763
hreat to here:yay:
i should have chap3 back from my editor later on tonight

Saying your an angel isnt normal, but on meth is it. Dont do drugs kids. Or fight manticores. or both.

HE'S THE ONE THEY CALL DR. FEELGOOD
HE'S THE ONE THAT MAKES YOU FEEL ALRIGHT

good story so far :derpytongue2:

Pretty good. Kinda overdid it when AJ talked to Daniel about how he saved her life though... Other than that pretty good chapter

Good so far longer chapters and one thing i notice in every Human in EQ the first monster is a manticore just saying but a good start i give you

:moustache::moustache::moustache:
out of
:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

352110
well considering i hate to write that great. i thought about diamond dogs but i used manticore because i could do better with it

Okay, so here's my thoughts.

You're really choppy, very choppy. Your sentences all feel too short, with not enough information being passed through to the reader. The conversation, in my opinion, is worse than the normal narration. It's very choppy, and you don't get a feel for the character. Normally I would have heard the reading in either a different voice from the narration, or as the character's voice (in the case of cannon characters with voices), but in this case I don't hear it, because you're being too choppy and are having them act slightly out of character. They don't feel like the mane 6, so I don't hear them as the mane six. You get what I'm laying down?

You need to flush out your narration, give it more depth, same with the conversations.

363314
Well, you can't expect it to be perfect. As for them acting out of character, I don't see what you're seeing. It would help if you would give examples to back up your claim. If they do act out of character, that can also be explained in this short statement. What the hell would you act like if an alien creature saved your life or your friends life? The narration is choppy for a reason. It's a stream of consciousness in a lot of areas. That's just how it works when you attempt to write like this.

375710
hey atleast he wasnt knocked out this time:rainbowlaugh:

376010
thanks it came to me as a way to explain the sexual anatomy of ponies

Actually, it would look like Dan's mom :trollestia:

426573
so am i, if you know what i mean:trollestia:

I aas half expecting big Mac to snap his neck. Also, whats will all the stories with hyperlinks lately? First it was Blackwing's new story and it just went on from there.

427002
haha i thought abiut it. dont worry about the link, i dont think i'll use it for a while

its very likely that the main 6 would of been horrified by the dead manticore breast cancer i very much doubt that a race of ponies still using horse drawn carriages would know what breast cancer was or probably woudn't even know what it is

904723
Thank you for the compliment
as for cancer
"The world's oldest documented case of cancer hails from ancient Egypt, in 1500 b.c. The details were recorded on a papyrus, documenting 8 cases of tumors occurring on the breast." (http://cancer.about.com/od/historyofcancer/a/cancerhistory.htm)

every mammal has breast thus can get breast cancer

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