My Story 2

Applejack has to stay home alone and watch the farm, but will she be able to do it by herself, or will the stranger she thinks is watching her get her first?

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 3 )

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epreeses1

epreeses1 #1 · Jan 16th, 2014 · · ·

Okay, this was pretty bad.
The premise is horrible. Applejack's family leaving her alone in the home becouse she got in trouble. That's not what a family does, they look out for one another, and there was no reason for it to happen. In all families, the children come before money. Maybe they pick her up from the school, or they wait, but they won't just up and leave her.
Two, your grammar was better than a lot of other people's and I commend you on that, but you still have instances where you use the wrong word. For example, you said 'through' the pitch fork when the correct word is 'threw'
Your tone was flat, almost robot like, and it bored me to death. But your worst mistake happened before I read the story. You spoiled everything in the description. Applejack is left alone and is either killed or raped; you even spoil it more by saying she felt like this night was going to change her life.
One last thing before I tell you the things I thought were good. You tell everything when you should show. Your reader wants to know what Applejack is feeling, and you need to show that from her prospective.
Okay, now here's what I thought was good.
Young Applejack is in character. She would feel confident enough to find a pitch fork, but when the pressure was really on she would run away like any other filly.
Also, sorry to end this review on a bad note, but don't break the fourth wall by stating that Applejack hadn't met the rest of the mane 6, that ruins the illusion.

Luminous Paradox

Luminous Paradox #2 · Jan 16th, 2014 · · ·

Sometimes criticism can be harsh. I wrote a story once and after a day everybody started hating it. Now I try to post comments that are nice and supportive.
Personally I kinda like your story. Though I think you should work on it a little. Maybe you should get a proof reader to check on things such as grammer. The story is a good one and I like the thief's toy knife. That was a good touch. Your vocabulary is good. All together I think it was a good read to pass the time with. Keep trying and work hard!