Chapter 4 not a single soul gets through.
Two hours later. "What do you even need me for!" yelled Scootaloo. She directed her question at Rainbow Dash as she opened the door. Already scared by the dark, cold, blood stained room with corpses all over the room.
"How do you not remember I know it was months ago, but how do you not remember?" said an obviously annoyed Rainbow Dash. "But if I must explain, here at the rainbow factory we create the rainbows for all of Equestria after an incident our princess was unable to do so, as such she came to the pegusi for help, and so we made a factory to create rainbows but we kept one thing secret from the princess." said Rainbow Dash.
"And what's that?" asked Scootaloo regretting asking that.
"We needed foals to create them there colorful spirits were capable of being turned into a liquid state and released into the air to make rainbows, and now you know." she answered.
"NO NO NO!" screamed Scootaloo now fearful for her life. Her mind was a flurry of fear as she struggled against her bonds to no avail.
Back at Ponyville I Celestial Sabre was stumped. "Why can't I find anything I've searched every corner of Ponyville, and the foalnapper couldn't of escaped as soon as the disappearances started pegusi, and unicorns haven't let any pony leave or enter the town so now were?" I said to myself.
"Hello there can I talk to you? " asked a purple unicorn that I also knew.
"Why Twilight Sparkle how goes you?" I asked.
"Oh fine but I heard about Scootaloo and came to help in any way I can." said Twilight. Glad for the extra help I accepted her help. "Then let's get to work!" she said with an adventurous glint in her eyes.
"Aaaah stop stop please stop!" yelled Scootaloo as her captor just played with her slowly cutting into her flesh with her knife. But she didn't stop. Trying to reason with the psycho pony was out of the window she tried to threaten her. "If you kill me I'll haunt you for the rest of your life!" she said.
"Oh, but you see I can leave but as for you not a single soul gets through!" Rainbow Dash laughed.
Terrified Scootaloo could only sit there terrified for death, then she screamed "HELP ME!"
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If you don't like the short chapters then deal with it I'm just making more chapters to make up for the few words. Thought I'd clear things up.
I like it. And the pony pasta could be longer.
3808928 not yours.
*Cracks knucles.
Lets do this.
I noticed a couple of problems reading through this story, and I hope that this review helps you.
1. Transitions. This story seems like it has a nice concept, but it is lost beneath a tide of aesthetic and narrative errors. For one thing, your transitions between character perspectives are a little hazy. You jump back and forth between Scoots and Saber's perspectives without warning so often that I ended up quite confused about who was speaking. There is a button in the toolbar when you are editing your story that is called a 'horizontal rule' . This creates a pagebreak that can help tell the reader that the perspective has shifted from one place to another. This tool could help your perspective transitions a lot. Your transitions in character dialogue are also hazy, with characters often joining the converstaion without being introduced. A little bit of detail on the ponies before they join the converstaion would be nice.
2. Detail. The first thing I would like to mention is the lack of explanation for your OC's apparently above average magical powers. Please go into more detail on that; your character currently resembles a Gary Stu stereotype. It would also be good if you could slow down the pacing and describe the sorroundings more thoroughly. Detail is the lifeblood of a story, and yours needs a bit more life in it.
3. Fourth Wall breaks. The comment early on in your story that directly asks the readers if they want more detail on Saber is a glaring example of your many breaks. Your story is tagged with the Tragedy, Sad, and Dark tags. These nods at the reader are not only immersion breaking and out of place, but they don't make sense with your tags. These jokes and comments aimed at the reader are only really acceptable in Comedy fics.
4. Chapter Length. Before you respond to this, note that I did notice your comment about the chapter length. However, this needs to be said. The short chapter length is quite frankly a terrible idea. It implies laziness, breaks immersion, and just plain doesn't look good. A lot of these chapters could be easily combined using page breaks or long spaces to keep them more independent without punching holes in your story.
As a further side note, this review was typed on a tablet. Not being on a computer is no excuse for error, as all of the site functions are also useable on a phone or tablet. If the device you are using creates errors too frequently for your taste, I recommend getting an editor or proofreader. This way, you also have an outside opinion that can help check your story in all aspects. To respond to another of your comments, my current age is 15 and I am quite able to type a grammatically correct comment and write grammatically correct fanfictions. All it takes is a little extra effort, which is another reason proofreaders are handy.
I hope you found this review helpful! Shoot me a PM if you think I could improve my reviews in any way.
Happy writing!
I like the premise, but you really need to improve your work. Get a editor or a proofreader. You should also expand your chapters for more than a few paragraphs. I would say more but everyone already has. Please take their advise. It will be well worth it.
3809615 his powers will be shown and explained a little later in like a chapter or so.
3810477 as for the rest of the issues I'm sorry and I do have a helper now and ch 5 will be checked for errors. Thanks for the input.
is best pony.
Oh and
And for the short chapters I just always liked books that had them it gave me a since of accomplishment to finish one so I wanted to share that with my readers.
And who is Gary Stu?
3810517
Education time!
3810517
Gary Stu is the male equivalent of a Mary Sue. Mary Sues are characters who have great power for no explainable reason, and are flawless in the eyes of the narrative. The Mary Sue is not challenged by the narrative, but uses their powers to thwart any situation without being truly in any real danger. They are physically and mentaly flawless, making a boring and irritating character.
If that doesn't explain it, Tommy Oliver did a great video about them.
Understanding the Mary Sue
1. You actually call your OC that?
2. Learn proper comma use: "...after a call from Miss Cheerilee, his cousin."
3. You also need to learn about how to use an apostrophe: "her sister's disappearance".
4. You'll want to hyphenate "spin-off" (or maybe even turn it into a compound word); otherwise, it looks like you're describing wheels coming loose from something.
5. A story title like "Rainbow Factory" should be capitalized and in quotes.
6. Remember what I said about apostrophes? "Canterlot's most loyal warrior."
That bio you're reading is for an earlier generation of ponies. Two ponies named Scootaloo and Cheerilee were sisters in G3.5; in G4, a/k/a Friendship is Magic, the ponies who now have those names are teacher and student, nothing more. If you're going to write pony stories, it kind of helps to know what is and isn't canon.