Get Your Own Stupid Unicorn

by Coolestninja1242

This Week Sucks

I didn’t sleep. Every time I started to kind of fall asleep Lyra would either move away from me or move back to me. I’m not complaining, I would never complain about sharing a bed with the nicest, sweetest, prettiest, kindest, most caring pony I’d ever met. I’m really not sure what it is about this mare but I do not want to screw anything up. I just want to be with her like all the time and I have no idea why or what to do about it. I will say that having the nicest, sweetest, prettiest, kindest, most caring pony I’d ever met sleeping in my bed with me is distracting. Really, really, really distracting.

I just kind of lay there staring up at the ceiling, then back to Lyra and then back to the ceiling. Every now and then she’ll start to whimper in her sleep but all it really takes to calm her down is a little pat on the head or shoulder. Every time I do though she mutters something in her sleep that I can’t understand. It sounds happy, or at least it doesn’t sound sad. On and off she’ll cuddle up to me like I’m a big teddy bear. Once or twice she’s even held on to me really tight, those were the only few times I actually slept. This wasn’t one of those times. I’m just laying there looking up at the ceiling and Lyra is on her side facing away from me. She seems peaceful now, and I roll over to look at the clock, 5:02 a.m. I might as well get up. Luna knows I’m not gonna fall back asleep.

Folks have this misconception about candy makers. They think all we can make is candy and well that’s not true. Don’t get me wrong I’ll take the delicate, artful, science of making chocolate over standing in front of a stove with some veggies and oils any day, but just because I prefer to make candy doesn’t mean I can’t cook anything else.

Besides my mom says my special talent isn’t even making candy. Don’t get me wrong I’m really good at making candy but that’s not how my mom sees it. She always said my special talent was “unwrapping the sweet side of others.” It’s a cute idea and I liked it as a filly but let’s face it bad bitch Bon Bon is not making anypony around her any sweeter, least of all herself. Mostly not herself. Especially not herself.

Regardless of all that though I can cook. Hell, I make a mean pancake. Actually, that’s not a bad idea. I get out some bowls, my favorite skillet, a spatula, a whisk, flour, some eggs, sugar, and anything else I’d need to make the best damn chocolate chip pancakes ever. With my own home made chocolate chunks of course.

Pancakes are so easy to make I don’t get why some many ponies mess them up so bad. It’s a simple batter, don’t mix it too much, and then wait for the cake to stiffen a bit with plenty of bubbles before you flip it. Easy, I don’t get why so many ponies screw it up.

Hmm…what’s good with pancakes? Coffee, yeah better get that going. I turn on my coffee machine and get a pot percolating. With coffee I don’t really have my own special mix or anything, okay I lied, I totally have my own special mix. But my mix is just me taking different store bought coffees I like and mixing them together, it’s nothing special I swear. Hmm…something’s missing, toast with jam. Yeah, that’d be good too but that doesn’t really take too long to cook. Yes, I do have my own home made jams if you were wondering. What else should I make? I flip the pancakes, not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but have that golden brown color I’m looking for. Hay bacon! That’s what this needs, something nice, fatty, and crispy. Perfect, just add some juice and it’ll be the best breakfast ever! Wow I have too much time on my hands…hooves. (There’s that word again.)

I hear some light trotting down my stares. Face it breakfast is way to important to miss because of something silly like sleep. I see Lyra sleepily take the corner nearly runing into the wall, her noise sniffs greedily, and her ears flip and twitch with excitement. “Do I…do I smell pancakes?” She asks sheepishly. I nod with a small smirk on my face. “Can I…?” She’s just standing there staring at the food, mouth practically watering. She’s holding herself back again I can tell. She doesn’t want to seem unlady like or uncouth. It’s adorable. I gotta say though I kinda wanna see this mare just cut loose.

I chuckle kicking out a stool for her to sit down, “Clearly all of this is just for me. I mean what normal, healthy pony doesn’t eat eight chocolate chip pancakes, half a pack of hay bacon, four slices of toast, two glasses of orange juice, and two cups of coffee every morning?” I say in the most sarcastic tone possible. Lyra looks defeated and starts to turn to the door. Oh crap, she thought I was serious. “Sarcasm Lyra, sarcasm!” She pauses. “Please don’t go, I was kidding really. I could never eat all of this by myself and left overs are not something I’m big on.” I laugh nervously, please don’t leave. It’s probably only like six in the morning. The sun isn’t even up yet, then again Celestia has been raising it later it seems. Probably just getting lazy, or maybe found herself a colt or something.

Lyra hesitates and then sits. I take my seat opposite her and help myself to some of the food I’d made. After a nod from me (dear lord filly you didn’t need my approval) Lyra also helps herself. She shovels food in her mouth. I can see her trying to be as polite about it as possible but she acts like she hadn’t had a proper meal in days. That’s what I wanted to just see Lyra being Lyra. It’s nice. We eat in silence for some time when Lyra finally comes up for air after her fifth pancake and says, “I’m so sorry! I-it was all just so good I couldn’t control myself.” She looks down ashamed.

I laugh loudly, “What are you sorry for again? For enjoying my cooking? I’m sorry Lyra but that is a really silly reason to be sorry.” Oh sweet Celestia I’m crying. Stop laughing Bon Bon you’re being rude. I get myself to calm down.

She stammers looking at the table and politely puts all the dishes in my sink with her magic. “It’s just…you’ve been so nice to me. You took me out to dinner last night, took me meet my idol, you even let me spend the night here. I feel so stupid. I should have really booked a hotel…” She begins to clean the dishes, granted she’s using her magic and she’s already half way through them.

“Whoa now!” I shout quietly grabbing one of the floating plates. “One you’re not stupid. Stuff happens and two, you’re my guest, guest don’t do the house work.” She puts the plate over with the others to dry easily taking it out of my grasp. She does pause with the dishes if only for a moment. “Lyra there is no reason to feel stupid. You forgot something it happens. I had this saying that used to really get Octavia’s blood boiling. How’d it go? Oh yeah, A ducks gonna duck, a human’s gonna human, and a ponies gonna pone.” I chuckle at my own sillyness.

Lyra laughs too, though it was more of a giggle. She’s so cute when she giggles. I shake my head. I really need to stop thinking about her like that. She has a faïence, he’s a rotten, jerk face but she is still going to get married and I need to respect that if only for her sake. “I’m sorry but I have two questions. First what was all of that suppose to mean and secondly what in the world is a human?”

I chuckle harder, “You need to stop being sorry about everything.” I stop laughing and begin to think scratching my chin with my hoof. “If I remember the context right it pretty much just means stuff’s gonna happen and you should just roll with it because you are what you are. As for what’s a human? I can honestly say I have no idea what so ever. I read about them in a dusty old story book some where when I was a kid but they didn’t really seem like my thing ya’ know? Something about being talking hairless apes or something. It was neat at the time.”

Lyra’s eyes light up at the idea of mythical, hairless apes. Not sure why. “Alright one more question, why did it aggravate Ms. Melody so?”

I think about this for a minute. Why did it piss off Octavia? Then I remember, “Octavia is a total grammar fiend. If you use anything wrong she’ll call you on it. Kind of fun to watch her and Vinyl argue about that trivial stuff actually. Some times I wish I had somepony to argue with about dumb stuff like that. We’d fight about something stupid and then make up like it never happened because we really do love each other and yeah…that just sounds nice.”

Lyra smiles warmly at me, “Bon Bon…” she says softly coming closer to me. My whole body gets warmer, is she gonna kiss me? Don’t do it! She engaged! Bad Bonny, no bad thoughts! She gets close to my ear and whispers, “I did the dishes.” and then she runs like hell out of the kitchen.

My brain takes a minute to process this. She did the dishes? I look behind me and there are all the dishes sitting on my counter clean and drying. Wait, “I told you guest don’t do the house work!” I shout giving chase. As I run I notice she used her magic to dust, sweep, and pick up some of my knickknacks. That bitch (and I mean that in the best way) is cleaning my house! “Guest don’t do the house work!” I shout again, I see Lyra’s mint tail turn the corner and I make chase. I nearly knock something over but Lyra grabs it with her magic still running full speed ahead. “Guest don’t do the house work!” I shout one last time tackling her to the ground. We’re both kind of shocked at first by the whole thing, but suddenly she burst into loud, uncensored, pure laughter and it was the greatest moment of my life so far. I join her in laughter, it feels amazing.

We just lay there on the floor. I roll off of her after a few moments because face it that was going to get a little weird and the last thing I want is to weird this mare out. We’re both just in my hallway laughing like to crazy ponies. It’s wonderful. “I’m sorry I cleaned your house.” She says at last.

I smack her on the arm lightly, “You need to stop apologizing for everything.” I can’t stop smiling. “Thank you for cleaning my house.” I say as the chuckles at last die down. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen it this clean.” I roll over to face Lyra, she’s still beaming with joy. “I guess we’re even now.”

She looks at me with concerned and confused eyes, “Ms. Bon Bon…” I thought we’d gotten past all that miss crap. She rolls over to me and with a sigh and gives me a hug. It’s nice, it’s really nice. “I am forever indebted to you. You’ve housed me, fed me, and took me to meet my idol. If there is ever anything you need don’t hesitate to ask.” Never let me go. That’s a good place to start. Don’t marry that ass hat you told me about. She releases the hug, so much for the first part. “I mean it…I mean my family isn’t as well off as it once was but I’m sure that I could help, even just a little.”

Wait. What? “Is that why you’re marrying that guy? Because his family’s got money?” She doesn’t say anything just kind of looks sad. I sit up, “You’re dad’s making you marry this crazy horse because he has money?” I stand up, this is ridiculous. “You’re dad’s making you marry a violent jerk off because he’s rich!?” I need to calm down, I’m shaking all over, and I slam a hoof with each word. “That is the most..! It’s the most…ugh.” I rub my eyes with my hooves. “Who is this guy any way? Your dad I mean?”

Lyra hesitates, I just noticed she sat up. “My…father is Silver Dollar.” My jaw drops. Silver Dollar was the third richest pony in all of Equestria until someone caught him embezzling from his own company. The media was split right down the middle half of them saying he was framed and the other half saying he was finally getting what he deserved. I read in one of the local papers that his wife also died last year. Needless to say after being on top for so long the guy now hit rock bottom and from the looks of it he’d taken his daughter with him. Shame too, I’d always heard that he was a stand up colt…I guess he wasn’t.

I place a comforting hoof on her shoulder, “Lyra I had no idea…” She must be devastated too, first her mother passes away and then her father gets caught up in some scandal and here I am yelling at her like an idiot. I’m the worst kind of pony. I’m the worst kind of friend.

She smacks my hoof away, “No how could you know?” I can see her trying not to cry. “ How could you not see the resemblance? I mean everypony tells me all the time how I look just like my father. I have his eyes and his mane and…and…He‘s been all over the news for months and…and…and…” She breaks down crying. “And I just want him to be okay!” She wails. “But no he forces me to come to this stupid little town so I can “put things into perspective” whatever that means. Sure he arranged the marriage but it was my idea! And Comet Tail…god I’ve never met such an arrogant pony before! The only one I can think who might have been worse is Blue Blood. Did you know he’s not even a prince? Thank god we’re cousins, I can’t even stand to be in the same room as that idiot! Comet, not Blue Blood, okay both of them. I have to hold my tongue though, this marriage needs to happen. It’s the only way. It’s the only way damn it! My father will get the respect he deserves back! He‘s worked so hard for it. I just…I just” she leaps into my open forelegs and I pat her on the back as she cries loudly. “I just want everything to be okay…” She wails into my shoulder.

I let her cry, it’s what she needs right now. When I’m sure she’s done I at last speak up, “Lyra listen…” She doesn’t move, and she doesn’t stir, I’m not even sure if she’s still breathing. “You don’t owe me anything. You don’t owe anyone a damn thing. I know you want to help your dad but is it really worth it to have to live with that jackass?” Again no offence to any actual jackasses. She doesn’t say anything. I feel terrible but I know she just needs someone to be her friend right now. I know she needs something to distract her right now, “Hey I have an idea, why don’t I show you my candy shop? Take your mind off of things. I haven’t had a taste tester in the longest time. I could use some fresh taste buds, I’ve burned off half of mine. Haha…What do you say Lyra?” She doesn’t say anything she just holds me closer. “Lyra?”

She squeezes tighter, “Just…just hold me a little longer…” She says as no more than a whisper.

I frown, “Alright Lyra, whatever you need I’m here for you.” That’s all I want to be right now. I want to be that pony who’s there for her. Not her girlfriend but her girl friend, not her lover but someone who loves her. She clings to my fur and I hold her close while she trembles and cries. This week sucks. This week really, really sucks.

After another hour or so I convince Lyra she needs to get out. She heads to the bathroom to clean up a little, meanwhile I call Octavia and Vinyl and tell them to meet me at my shop. I don’t give them any details aside from Lyra is very upset and could use some friends. Vinyl is hesitant at first but comes around in the end, between Octavia telling Vinyl it’s the right thing to do and me offering some free candy if the DJ tags along, there really never was another choice. Lyra comes out of the bathroom, her eyes are still a little puffy. “You going to be alright Lyra?” I ask trying to keep my voice even. Probably not even the best question to ask, I really shouldn’t have asked it. She nods and gives me the saddest smile I’d ever seen on any pony. I never want to see her like this ever again.

My shop is only a few feet from my house. That’s why I picked the place, it’s close to home. I unlock the door and it gives a slight jingle as we walk inside. I really should get something louder. I can never hear that little bell when I’m in the back. I take the batches I’d made last night before I went out with Lyra and put them out for display. Lolly pops, chocolates, liquorish, caramels, and mints just to name a few, line the shelves and light up in their bright wrappers. That‘s a sight I never get tired of. I see Lyra eyeing some of the mints. “Help yourself.” I say with a smile.

“No I couldn’t possibly…they’re for sale. You’ll loose money.” She stammers.

True, I would loose some profit, but I sell a bag of them for two bits any way so I doubt I’ll loose too much. Besides how much can one pony eat. “Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty.” I reassure. She takes one of the small bags and then sits next to the counter and puts one of the chocolate coated peppermints into her mouth. I continue to stock watching her melt at the taste. What can I say? I’m one of the best candy makers around, the only reason I don’t get as much business as I’d like is because of Sugar Cube corner down the street. Me and the cakes have a deal though, I provide them with all their candy needs and they let me have all the baked goods I want for a discounted price, on top of that they do have to pay for all the candy. I give them a discounted price because of how much their buying but it all works out pretty even. They just get more business than I do. Frankly, I don’t blame anyone though. They’ve got tasty stuff and put my candies to good use.

I sit down at the counter, “Good right?” Lyra just smiles quietly at me mouth full of mints. Morning at the shop are usually pretty typical, some fillies stop in before school and pick up some sweets with their allowance money, then Pinkie Pie drops by and picks up and order for the cakes. She tries to ask me about Lyra but I told her I didn’t feel like talking about it.

The good thing about Pinkie Pie is she actually is pretty good at reading a room. So, with a quick, “Okie dokie Loki!” She skips out the door with her candy. Yeah it’s totally looking to be a typical day. Still no sign of Octavia and Vinyl though. Oh well, it looks like that bag of mints has taken Lyra’s mind off of things for now any way.

That really sucks about her dad. I can’t imagine what it must be like. Then again my dad delivers milk for a living so I can’t say there are many scandals involved with that line of work. Can you imagine though? Milk delivery colt caught stealing cow’s cash. Nah, it wouldn’t even make the news. I should give my parents a call one of these days. Dad would find that hilarious, I always did have his sense of humor.

My regular morning turns into a regular afternoon. Costumers come in, look over some stuff, some of them talk to Lyra, some talk to me, some even buy some candy(isn‘t that nice). Then another regular comes in, “Hey Lemon Heart.” I say with a smirk. Lemon Heart is the town shrink. She took over after Dr. Screw Ball lost one too many of her screws. Then again some ponies say that that nut job was the daughter of Discord. So, can you really blame her?

Any way back to Lemon Heart, I know Lemon Heart because her and I have the same hair stylist. Over getting our hair curled she told me her fondness for lemon sweets and making lemon flavored sweets. Of course I told her I make the best damn lemon drops in town, and it’s true. Bon Bon Sweetie Drops Bon is always two things: honest and humble. Lemon Heart has been stopping in every day since then for her fix. She’s also always fallowed by another pony. This pony also has the same hair dresser as Lemon Heart and I. She’s also kind of Lemon Heart’s stalker.

I say kind of a stalker because she doesn’t fallow Lemon Heart every where, and this pony really is a sweet pony she’s just really nervous around any pony she likes. This pony’s name is Shoe Shine. Like I said Shoe Shine, Lemon Heart, and I all have the same hair stylist so I’ve talked to both of them a good bit. Lemon Heart thinks Shoe Shine seems harmless but is kind of put off by how quiet Shoe Shine is, and Shoe Shine thinks Lemon Heart is the greatest pony ever, but has been hurt by so many other pony’s in her life she’s just to scared to ask Lemon out. I told Shine to stop by the shop around this time so she could have a safe place to talk to Lemon Heart, so far it hasn’t worked. Come to think of it I’m the reason Shoe Shine seems like a creepy stalker. Whoops, my bad. “Hey Shoe Shine.” I also greet with a smirk. Shoe Shine smiles politely, takes one look at Lemon Heart and then walks as far from the counter as possible. Same old routine I guess.

Lemon Heart sets her bag on the counter, “This is starting to get a little unnerving. She fallows me in here nearly every day…” Lemon Heart glances over at Shoe Shine who was staring. “She also constantly stares at me, which is flattering at best and creepy at worse.” I should just tell Lemon Heart.

I take a deep breath, “Yeah that’s kind of my fault.” Lemon Heart raises an eye brow at me. “You know how the three of us have the same hair stylist?” Lemon Heart nods slowly in response. “Well Shoe Shine sort of mentioned to me that she has a crush on you. She was nervous so I told her to stop by the shop so she’d have a safe place to talk to you. So far this has been the result. I was honestly just trying to help a friend. If you don’t feel the same way Lemon let her down easy like, okay?” I’m sorry Shoe Shine. I can’t keep this going.

Lemon Heart turns back to Shoe Shine, “Is this true? You have a crush on me?” I can’t see Lemon Heart’s face any more but her voice is kind of uneven. I notice Lyra just watching the whole thing.

Shoe Shine steps closer to the door, I see some magenta magic keeping it closed. That must be Lemon Heart, looking at her horn confirms it. I position myself slightly over the counter in case things get messy. “I…uhh…well…ummm…” Shoe Shine stammers. She looks close to tears. That Lemon Heart has no tact, who am I kidding this is my fault. Shoe Shine looks like a little scared school filly. “Y-yes?” Shine replies avoiding eye contact. “I…umm…th-think you’re nice, and pretty, and cool, and so collected. I umm…I mean if you want to…I like lemon drops too?” Wow, she’s really drowning.

I step over the counter and put a calming hoof around Lemon Heart, her magic releases over the door. “Look Lemon you can’t be mad at Shine it was my idea. She just gets kind of freaked out around pony’s she doesn’t really know. More so if she think she likes them. Give her a chance alright?” I’m trying really hard to get some of the tension out of the room.

I see Shoe Shine plant her hooves, “Lemon Heart.” She says sounding bold. It almost instantly flatters. “I-I sort of…kind of…really…like you. If you don’t like me back that’s fine.” Shine says sounding bold again. “Even if we never date…I’d still like to be your friend. I know I probably seem really weird fallowing you around all the time and I get if y-you…you wouldn’t want to but…will…will you go out with me?” Shoe Shine shakes slightly, she certainly isn’t steady. She looked down, then back up. She looked any where but Lemon Heart. It’s quiet in the shop, and for once I’m just glad they’re not that many ponies here today.

Lemon Heart comes closer to Shoe Shine who intuitively steps back. With a small bit of magic, and a quick smile Lemon Heart simply gives something to Shoe Shine and leaves. “What is it?” I ask coming closer to Shoe Shine who looks baffled. In her hoof is a small scrap of paper, she opens it. Written on the paper is an address with a short message, “Write to me, we can set something up later when you feel more comfortable.” I look at Shoe Shine, I can’t read her expression. “Tough break Shine. You know what they say though there are other monsters in Everfree.” That’s a silly saying, a true one but still.

Shoe Shine beams at me, “No,” She says smiling ear to ear. “this is perfect! I can write a letter to her and go over it a few times so I don’t sound like an idiot. My nerves won’t get in the way of just writing to her.” Shoe Shine can’t stop smiling. “This is perfect.” She repeats leaving the store trotting happily home. Well I’ll be Lemon Heart figured out a way around Shoe Shine’s shyness.

I walk back behind the counter, Lyra’s smiling at me. “That was amazing.” She says sweetly. She keeps smiling at me and looks like she wants to say something else. Our happiness however is short lives when Berry “The Bitch” Punch walks in the door.

Author's Note:

Wow this chapter is long. Sorry about the lack of updates in general (and if this chapter feels off) been super busy with school and stuff. Probably won't get anything else out soon either. Haven't forgotten, just don't have time.

Comments

[Perteks]

Shouldn't be follows instead fallows?

[Coolestninja1242]

5343888 Possibly, I'll look into it and fix it when I get some time