Seventh Chapter: We Tried To Work As A Team
Fighting is, all in all, pretty easy—at least if you’re a unicorn. Mostly because, even when one has no magic (because moving a giant, pony-fucking dolphin can be very tiring), a horn on the forehead is just perfect for stabbing.
And boy, did Lyra use it for that. There was something funny in poking that giant stallion with it. Maybe it was pure symbolism; the act of using a clearly phallic object to subdue a male who had both the attitude and the aspect of an alpha male was a powerful message to the world and a great image. It was the pure joy of reversing the everlasting “gender role” way of thinking that modern society had embraced lately, it was a fight against the tyrants, the oppressors, and a fight for freedom. Maybe it was fun because it was, in some sort, some kind of poetry.
Or maybe Lyra just enjoyed stabbing things.
Having her stabbing record in mind, chances were that she just liked stabbing the guard. It was the perfect activity: it included both stabbing and hurting some random dude. For Lyra Heartstrings, that was like Hearth’s Warming Eve and her birthday, all at the same time.
Of course, and again keeping her stabbing record in mind, she had Hearth’s Warming Eve and her birthday at the same time at least three times a month. But the magic was still there—the moment was still enjoyable.
Boy, being mentally unstable can pay off a lot sometimes.
The fight had been going for quite a while now. She had to admit it: the stallion knew how to deal with a punch. Lyra had at least three ribs broken. But the guard had five or so, so she was still winning.
She could see Carrot Top by her side. While kicking the guard’s genitals again, Lyra realized that her friend was way less injured than herself. Carrot had a black eye, yes, but that was all. Carrot’s ribs looked right, and usually ribs were the first thing you broke in a fight.
Well, maybe that wasn’t exactly true. But Lyra always aimed for the ribs, because they made that crunch noise she thought was cute.
Anyway, Carrot Top was perfectly fine, while Lyra knew that she would at least sleep a night or two at the hospital. The guard Topsie was fighting was also way more hurt than Lyra’s. Hell, that guy could hardly move. Of course, Lyra’s was bigger (Carrot Top was fighting the one with a steel bar on his flank, while Lyra had the gay one, if her memory was still working), but that was no excuse. Carrot was fighting way better than her tonight.
“Well, this sucks!” Lyra said, frowning at the sight. Then the guard kicked her in the torso hard enough to launch her a couple meters away. Woops. There go three of my ribs. Now the guard was winning. “Oh, bummer!”
“THAT’S IT, YOU MONSTER! I GOT YOU!” yelled the guard, jumping onto her. Lyra didn’t really mind him—she just rolled to one side, got up and let the stallion hit the ground on his own. Then she stabbed him in the neck because why the fuck not?
Then she kicked him between the eyes. The guard let out a grunt and his eyes rolled back, showing the white part. Good. Nothing kept a pony busier than brain damage, and she wanted a couple seconds of calm. “Hey, Carrot! What are you doing?”
Carrot Top was, coincidentally, also hitting the other guard’s head at the moment. When the stallion fell, she kicked him a couple more times in the same point. She only stopped after hearing Lyra’s words. “What?” she asked, turning around with an annoyed look. “I’m busy here!”
“I’m asking what the hell are you doing, you fucking idiot!” Lyra pointed at the guard, who was bleeding so much he looked red. “That’s wrong in so many levels! You gotta make him last, girl!”
“I’ll do whatever the hell I want!”
“Well, then you’re going to kill him and you’re gonna get bored!” Lyra rolled her eyes. She caught a glimpse of her particular guard getting up. “You’re barely hurt!”
“Shut up.”
Lyra would have answered something, but then the guard jumped to her again. Lyra could have avoided him pretty easily, but she decided not to. Where was the fun in doing that? That guard was all muscle but zero technique. Maybe he does nothing but lift weights. Well, that didn’t really matter. He was no good at fighting, so Lyra had to give him a couple good hits now and then.
So she took the hit, and then she fell to the ground with the guard on top of her.
“Aw!” Holy shit, that hurt more than expected. How come…? Oh, right. She had six ribs broken now. She had forgot. “Well, that’s just stupid,” Lyra whispered. Then the guard punched her in the face.
Aaaaaaand there goes another molar. She was going to look like an octogenarian by the end of the night, with so many teeth flying around. Lyra didn’t like that, so she used the few ones she still had to bite the guard’s nose—nearly—as hard as she could. She didn’t want to tear his nose off, after all. That would be impolite.
Then she stabbed him in the face with the horn. And then she got up and kicked him in the chest, launching him to the ground.
Crunch!
Oh, Celestia, that’s so cute. Those were at least two ribs.
She was waiting for the guard to get up when her communicator beeped. Then, Vinyl, Derpy, and Bon Bon’s voices came through it saying some gibberish, but Lyra didn’t really mind them—the guard was still on the ground. What was wrong with him? She took a few steps towards him and…
“Oh Celestia, you’re puking?” Lyra turned around. “Bleurgh. Control yourself, you freak!” She quickly retreated five meters or so. The sound of the guard vomiting made her feel sick. “Gross…”
“Lyra? Lyra, can you hear me?” This time she could understand the voice, it was Turner’s. “Please, tell me you can hear me, or else we’re fucked.”
“Howdy, lover boy? I just kicked your coltfriend’s ass so hard he can’t get up.” She turned around, giving the back to her guard. “Carrot, finish mine once you’re done with yours!” she yelled. “So, Turner, what’s up?”
“Did you just tell Carrot to kill someone?”
“Maybe. I doubt she’s going to do that, but…” She shrugged. “I’m done with him anyway. He’s puking, you see. It grosses me out.”
“Puking grosses you out? Lyra, I’ve seen you stabbing a mare’s leg with a fork.”
“And?”
“And then you kept on using that fork to eat your salad.”
“I’m so amazed by the fact that even now you feel the urge to talk about some crap that absolutely nopony cares about that I don’t really know what to say, Turner,” Bon Bon said. Immediately, Lyra rolled her eyes. “I mean, that takes guts. Sure, we are racing against the clock here, but you keep on having your priorities on. That’s just amazing. I’m seriously impressed.”
“Bon Bon, please.” Vinyl was the one talking this time. “Turner, the Royal Guards are coming. Lyra, we need you to do something.”
“Yeah,” Turner said. “Lyra, we need your abilities.”
“And I should listen to you because…?” Lyra saw with the corner of her eye how Carrot Top punched the steel bar cutie mark guard so hard the stallion fell unconscious immediately. “You know, if the Royal Guards are coming, I think I’m gonna run away and call it a day. I don’t want to go to jail like Vinyl and Bon.”
“If you don’t listen to me, then you’re going to end up there, that’s for sure.” Turner sounded like he was smirking. “You know, they are already coming here, so you can’t run away.”
“So we’re fucked?” asked Bon Bon.
“Unless we do what I say.”
“Okay, lover boy. Hit me with your best shot.” Lyra turned around to Carrot, who was kicking the other guard’s head. “The house guards are not an issue anymore, by the way.”
“Oh. That’s… good I guess?” Derpy said. “You didn’t hurt them, right?”
“I hit mine in the balls so hard that he will never have any children,” said Lyra. “But, you now, he was gay so I doubt he really gives a fuck. Does that count as ‘hurt’ to you?”
“…Yes?”
“So, balls-kicking aside, the guards are coming and we can’t run away because they’ll get us,” said Turner. “And even if they weren’t as close as they may be by now, most of us can barely run, so there’s that.”
“Then what’s the plan?” asked Vinyl.
“What are you doing?” Carrot Top approached Lyra from behind and put a hoof over her shoulders. “Talking to yourself? You’re even crazier than I thought.”
“And you’re even more moronic than I imagined,” said Lyra dismissively. She pointed at her ear. “Communicator,” she said. “I’m talking with Turner.”
“Turner? Is he also here?”
“We’re all here, because you’re too dumb to take care of yourself,” answered Lyra. “Also, the Royal Guards are coming and we’ve filled this shitty party with drugs, so we’re going to end up in jail if we don’t do something.”
“What?” Carrot Top frowned. “But that’s bad, right?”
“Turner?” Lyra ignored Carrot Top. “You heard that? She is with me. Is that good?”
“Yeah, of course. We came for her after all.” Turner sighed. “Listen, Lyra, I need your magic.”
“Well, then I got bad news for ya,” said Lyra. She spat on the ground. The saliva had a reddish color. “I can’t use it. Spent it on the giant dolphin, y’see.”
“Oh, come on!” Vinyl said. “Magic doesn’t work that way. You’re tired, but you can cast something if you really try.”
“Yeah, well, my head hurts a lot, so I don’t want to.”
“Welcome to the club,” answered Turner. “Look, I just need a little thing. I wouldn’t ask you for something big. After all, you only know two spells.”
“I feel an urge to kick you right now, Turner,” muttered Lyra. “Don’t try to force me.”
“No, really, you’re still doing it. You’re still saying nothing about the real plan, and even though I really admire you for it—”
“Shut up, Bon Bon!” interrupted Lyra. “Turner, I wanna go home as fast as fucking ASAP as possible, so stop being a drama queen and tell me what to do.”
Silence.
“You know,” said Turner, “that sentence was clearly incorrect. ‘ASAP’ already means ‘as soon as possible’, so you said ‘as soon as fucking as soon as—‘”
“I’m going to be honest here: I don’t give a single fuck, and you shouldn’t do it either,” Lyra said. “Now, for the first time in my life, I think Bon Bon is right: stop rambling and tell me what to do so I can do it against my will.”
“Why would you do it against your will?” asked Carrot Top. “Also, is it me or did you insult me a moment ago?”
“It was a friendly compliment,” said Lyra. “Turner. Now.”
“It’s kinda obvious, if you think about it,” he said. “The plan, I mean. The guards are coming, but they don’t know what they are looking for, because a house full of drugs is not something you usually see. As we can’t run away before they get in, the only thing we can do is distract them and then get the fuck outta here.”
“A distraction?” Derpy said. “Makes sense. What do you have in mind, Doc?”
“Well, if I remember correctly, Lyra only knows two spells,” said Turner. “One of them is levitation, and the other is that one she used to fire up the drugs.”
“And my curtains,” added Bon Bon.
“And Bon Bon’s curtains,” repeated Turner. “Lyra, a single spark should be easy to do. And fancy parties are always filled with alcohol. Do the math.”
“You need a distraction so I set fire to the Princess’ nephew’s house,” said Lyra. “I like it.” She looked at Carrot Top, who was staring at her with a confused look and smirked. “Topsie, ready for some fireworks?”
“Set fire to the—? Wait! WAIT! OCTAVIA IS STILL IN THERE! OCTAVIA IS—!”
Lyra took the communicator out of her ear and threw it away. “Yeah, I don’t care. She’ll find a way out,” she muttered. “I’m not going to jail, thank you very much.”
“What are you talking about?” Carrot asked. “And why did you throw that thing away?” She rubbed her forehead. “Ugh, my head hurts. But now I’m not all dizzy. Why?”
“Getting a black eye always sobers you up a little,” said Lyra. “Adrenaline and shit. That’s why I always get in a bar fight if I feel like having a hangover in the morning. Now help me gather some alcohol, I need to burn this fucking place down.”
“FIRE! THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!”
“WE NEED TO GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HERE!”
“THE SMOKE IS COMING FROM THE STAIRS, TOO! WE’RE LOCKED HERE!”
Once the first scream was heard, everypony lost their shit. Octavia couldn’t find any other words to describe what happened in that room.
Of course, everything was kind of predictable. Take thirty of the stupidest ponies you’ll ever know, put them in a room, force them to smoke some drugs and scream “fire” at them. There was only one possible result, and it was eerily similar to a bunch of teenagers going to their favorite pop star’s first concert.
Except with less idiocy and with fear instead of joy. Equal number of tears, though.
Octavia herself couldn’t help but hyperventilate a little. The black smoke was filling the room shockingly fast, and once you smelled the scent of burned wood and fabric you couldn’t stop noticing it. Fleur de Lis, by her side, also looked a little worried.
“Calm down,” she said once she noticed Octavia was staring at her. “Don’t panic. In situations like this one, the last thing you need to do is panic. We can get out. We have magic, and there are some pegasi in here after all. Maybe they can…”
“They are drugged!” interrupted Octavia. She pointed at the crowd. Everypony was running in circles, screaming and yelling and crying and, well, panicking in general. “I would be surprised if any of them remembered they have wings!”
“Well, yes.” Fleur nodded. “But still, it’s only one floor. Maybe we can jump to the trees…”
“CALM DOWN! I SAID CALM DOWN! I NEED YOU TO LISTEN!”
Cheating Bastard’s voice was surprisingly powerful. Some of the ponies stopped screaming once the white stallion yelled, and soon the room was relatively silent once again. Octavia and Fleur turned around to the stallion with a surprised look. Cheating Bastard was standing at the center of the room, and the nobleponies had gathered around him, forming a semicircle.
“I SAID CALM DOWN!”
Even more ponies stopped screaming. Fleur raised an eyebrow. “Well, that was useful,” she said.
Then Cheating Bastard kicked the floor. “CARROT TOP IS THE ONE WHO MADE THIS!” he said. He then sat on the floor and got his head in between his hooves. “SHE’S TRYING TO KILL US ALL!” he said. “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE IN HERE!”
A sudden silence.
That lasted for like three seconds.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“I DON’T WANT TO DIE! I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!”
“I WANT TO GO HOME!”
“AAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
“Well, fuck me. Bastard is worse than expected,” Fleur said above the now louder noise of the crowd losing its shit (but this time, harder). “Now they think we’re going to kick the bucket. Yay!”
“Uh.” Octavia raised an eyebrow. Even though the room was filled with craziness, being with Fleur was surprisingly calming. She was still scared out of her mind because of the fire and the scent of burned wood, but she had enough nerve to stop herself from screaming. “Now they realize that? Then why were they screaming before?”
“Honestly? I think they just like screaming.” Fleur shrugged. “But now they understand why they should be afraid, thanks to Lord Bastard.”
“Amazing.”
“Yeah, they’re like wild animals, except dumber.” Fleur turned to the window again. “I have the theory that they smack their foals to the ground a couple times when they’re one year old so they don’t grow up to be smarter than Mommy and Daddy.”
“That would certainly explain a couple things,” said Octavia. The nobleponies were running in circles again, and Cheating Bastard was trying to say something. The cacophony was too loud for anypony to understand him, though. “You know, when you’re looking at them from the scenario, they look intelligent.”
“Oh, looking intelligent is easy if you know how to.” Fleur pointed at the window. “Now, as I said before Cheating Bastard showed us his infinite wisdom, we can jump out of the window to the trees. Or I can try to use my magic and levitate some kind of ladder…”
“Hm, makes sen—”
“SHE IS WITH CARROT TOP! OCTAVIA MELODY IS WITH CARROT TOP!”
Cheating Bastard’s voice was finally loud enough for the room to understand his words. Octavia clenched her teeth. “My name is Philharmonica,” she whispered.
“SHE IS WITH CARROT TOP! SHE IS ALSO TRYING TO KILL US! SHE CAME HERE TO KILL US ALL!”
Bam.
Suddenly, everything was quieter than Turner’s grandmother’s grave. She felt a thousand eyes staring at her (which was kinda weird, as there were only thirty ponies in that room or so), and even though she was used to ponies looking at her, she felt her ears go down.
“SHE IS WITH OUR KILLER!” repeated Cheating Bastard, who apparently was pretty happy with the attention he was getting. “SHE IS WITH CARROT TOP!”
Again, nopony said a word. But suddenly there were a lot of nobleponies frowning, visibly angry.
“Is that true?” Fleur raised an eyebrow at her. The unicorn’s face was unreadable. “It’s the second time he accuses you of being friends with that mare. Are you responsible for this mess?”
“Um.” Octavia gulped. “Well, technically, I guess I am,” she said. “And yes, I am a ‘friend’ of Carrot Top. In fact, I came here to take her home, as—”
“SHE’S WITH HER! YOU ALL HEARD IT!” Again, Cheating Bastard was screaming. Octavia suddenly remembered she had a headache, and immediately her head started hurting again. “SHE’S RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR DEATHS!”
“Last time I checked I was pretty much alive,” said Fleur, but nopony heard her. Instead, the nobleponies started whispering things that didn’t sound very comforting.
“Monster!” whispered one mare.
“I can’t believe we’re all gonna die here!”
“I won’t go down without a fight!”
“She is the one who set fire to the house?”
“Terrorists!”
“Let’s make her pay!”
“Yeah, let’s make her pay!”
“Down with the murderer!”
The nobleponies were all together, standing as a big, fat, fancy mob. They took a few steps towards Octavia. The mare felt the window on her back—she had nowhere to run.
“Let’s make her pay!”
“Yeah!”
“Out the window with her!”
“She wants to kill us; let’s kill her then!”
“Set fire to the—? Wait! WAIT! OCTAVIA IS STILL IN THERE! OCTAVIA IS STILL IN THE HOUSE!”
Derpy couldn’t help but flinch once Vinyl’s voice—ten times as loud as she thought it was physically possible—came through the communicator. By her side, Bon Bon did the same, and Turner grabbed his head and yelped in pain before taking the device out of his ear.
Then they heard Lyra’s voice.
“Yeah, I don’t care. She will find a way out. I’m not going to jail, thank you very much.”
Tunk.
And for a few seconds, everything was quiet.
“What?” Bon Bon was, of course, the first one talking, because that mare couldn’t bear silence for more than three seconds. “Did she just throw the communicator away or it was my imagination?”
“That… fucking… IDIOT!” Again, Vinyl’s voice made Derpy flinch. Bon Bon twitched her mouth. “OCTAVIA’S LIFE IS IN DANGER! YOU CAN’T SET FIRE TO THAT FUCKING BUILDING! SHE’LL BURN DOWN WITH IT!”
“Oh, no!” Derpy said, turning to the house and gulped. “W-we have to help her! We need to—!”
“If we go in there, then the Royal Guards will get us,” interrupted Bon Bon. “Just saying.”
“LYRA! DON’T START THAT FIRE OR I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU!”
“Vinyl, don’t waste your breath.” Derpy turned around when she heard Turner talking. He was smirking and holding the communicator right in front of his face. The volume of Vinyl’s yelling was so high that he still could hear them. When he noticed Derpy was looking at him, he winked at her. Derpy felt her ears get hotter and lowered her head to hide her blush. “Lyra can’t hear you. I’m afraid she’s going to burn Blueblood’s down,” he said.
“YOU!” Vinyl said. “YOU FUCKING IDIOT, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO COME UP WITH A GOOD PLAN! YOU SENTENCED OCTAVIA TO DEATH!”
“I… guess I forgot she was in there for a moment,” Turner said. “My bad?”
“THE HELL? THAT’S ALL YOU’RE GONNA SAY? Turner, if something happens to Octavia I SWEAR I WILL SKIN YOU AND THEN FORCE YOU TO EAT YOUR OWN PELT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!”
“Hush, you don’t need to bring my mother into this. It’s only Octavia, she’ll be fine.” Turner covered the communicator with his hoof, as Vinyl was still screaming some uninterrupted bunch of (quite imaginative, Derpy had to admit) insults, and looked at Bon Bon. “Hey, do you mind giving your communicator to Lyra if you see her? You will need her magic down there.”
Bon Bon frowned and took her communicator from her ear too. Derpy imitated her, and immediately she sighed, relieved. Vinyl sure knew how to be loud. “Down?” asked Bon Bon. “What do you mean by ‘down’?”
“You two should go and try rescue Octavia,” answered Turner. “You know, big scary fire, distressed damsel… stuff like that.” He waved a hoof. “Go, go, go! I will be waiting for you here!”
The image of Octavia being surrounded by flames and dying a horrible death came to Derpy’s mind, and she turned around, ready to take flight and go to the mansion as fast as she could. However, she was stopped by Turner’s voice.
“Wait,” he said. “Take your communicators away for a second, if you please.”
There was something in his voice, in his eyes. He sounded serious, for once. Usually, Turner was everything but serious—or at least, he was not like that. Derpy obeyed, not doubting in the least that he had something important to say. She could still hear Viny’s screams through the communicator in her hoof, though.
By her side, Bon Bon frowned. “You’re saying a lot of stupid things today, Turner,” she said. “Of course, you do that every single day, but today? Today you’re like the stupidest stupid in Stupidtown. Population: you. And Carrot Top. And Vinyl.” She paused for a second. “And everypony in this fucking group of friends but me, now that we’re at it. No offense, Derpy, but you’re a moron.”
“Gee, thanks.” Derpy glared at her. “The feeling is mutual, you—”
“See? Even she thinks you’re being stupid and I’m the only clever one,” interrupted Bon Bon. “But anyway, what’s up with you now? You’re still half asleep or something? First I gotta give this shit to Lyra, now I need to take it off… And for crying out loud, I can’t hear a bloody word with the unicorn screaming at me.” With a smooth gesture, she took off the communicator and threw it to the ground. “There,” she said, “I took that shit off. What do you want?”
“Well, for starters, give those things to me,” said Turner. “Vinyl can still hear us. Thanks,” he said as both mares put the devices on his hoof. He dug a little hole in the ground and put them into it, then covered the hole with dirt. Vinyl’s muffled voice suddenly stopped.
“Good,” he said after doing this. “Vinyl is still yelling at me, I think, so I doubt she’ll realize we’ve stopped listening. We need to talk in private.”
Derpy gulped. “Why? What’s up, Doc?”
“Look, Derpy…” Turner scratched his muzzle. “It’s simple: Vinyl doesn’t need to hear this, and I need to buy us some time. And I think talking is a good way to spend it, right?”
“Keeping in mind that the Royal Guards are coming, I think that’s a pretty stupid idea, if y—”
“Bon Bon, please.” Turner rolled his eyes. “Do you really think the Royal Guards are coming?”
Silence.
“…What?” Derpy shook her head and took a step towards Turner. He smirked at her. She couldn’t hide her blush this time. For Luna’s mighty gonads, he’s too hot to handle sometimes. All bloody, covered in bruises and smirking and talking like that, Turner looked like a genius.
Derpy had a smartness fetish.
“Giving the fact that I heard how the guards said word-for-word that the Royal Guards are coming, I think you just demonstrated that you’re, in fact, a bigger idiot than expected,” said Bon Bon. “But come on, both of us know that you’re going to start talking and then you won’t stop for hours. So go ahead and make it quick, I have a headache.”
“As you please, you twat.” Turner stuck out his tongue to the earth pony, and suddenly his hotness level decreased. Derpy felt a little disappointed. “You see, I guess that it was impossible for you to understand everything from the first moment. You were scared, and nothing is stupider in this world than a scared jackass.” Turner chuckled. “As for Lyra, well… Her mind doesn’t work the right way, so yeah. Octavia is pretty smart, though. Maybe she realized that the Royal Guards can’t be coming here.”
“Doc, really, I think you should go straight to the point,” interrupted Derpy. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would love to hear your full explanation, but—”
“You think you’re clever; we got it.” Bon Bon frowned. “So the Royal Guards aren’t coming. Do you mind explaining why now, or do you want to ramble for two hours before saying a fucking word we actually care about?”
“Both guards of this mansion are earth ponies,” said Turner after a sigh. “And this mansion is pretty far away from the palace, if I remember correctly.”
Silence.
“You mean that…?”
“The two guards were lying,” he said. “Without wings or a horn, contacting the Royal Guards from here in such a short amount of time is impossible. Well,” he said, “maybe you can contact them if you put a very big signal in the sky or something, but I doubt they have such equipment.”
“This is Blueblood’s mansion,” said Derpy. “Maybe he has some kind of way to call them? He’s Celestia’s nephew after all! If there’s a house the Royal Guards have in mind, is this one!”
“This is also the place Blueblood uses to grow his drug garden,” replied Turner. “So, in my opinion, if there’s a house the Royal Guards have never been in, it’s this one. I mean, think about it! Even being the house with more nobility per square meter in town, the only security in here were the gay guard and his companion.” He snorted. “I’m sure they’re not even professionals. They’re Blueblood’s friends or something like that—somepony that knows there’s a lot of drugs here, but doesn’t give a damn about it.”
Derpy gulped. Hotness levels rising.
“Uh.” Bon Bon bit her lip. “It kind of… makes sense, I guess. But if he’s so afraid of getting caught, why the hell did he host the party in here?”
“Well…” Turner shrugged. “It’s Canterlot’s tradition? Or maybe he’s just a moron. Hell if I know, it doesn’t really matter. What is important here,” he said, tapping the ground with one hoof, “is that the Royal Guards aren’t coming. I have a hundred reasons to believe that, and I can explain all of them to you if you ask me to. However, if you want to make it simpler because you feel uncomfortable around my genius, then do whatever you want. I don’t really care.” He finished his speech with another confident smirk.
Holy shit, hotness level to the max. Somepony hold me or I’m going to pop more than just bubbles tonight.
Then she realized what was he saying, and her lust disappeared for a moment. “Hold on a minute,” she said, “if nopony’s coming here to get us, then why did you tell Lyra to burn down the house?”
“Because I’ve been listening to Vinyl’s drama all night, and I’m kinda tired of it,” explained Turner. “So I figured a way to, you know, fix everything in one go so I can go back to not giving a single fuck about her personal life. Call me a monster, but I like my life to be as far from romance as possible.”
“Yeah, sure.” Bon Bon sighed. “You realize you’ve put Octavia’s life in danger? That you’re being—”
“There’s another reason,” he interrupted. “You see, we attacked this fucking mansion and a lot of ponies saw Carrot Top. And the guards saw both me and Octavia. So, if we just grabbed Lyra, Octavia and Carrot and ran away, eventually the drugs would disappear from everypony’s system. And then they would run to the Royal Guards, this time for real, and we would end up in jail in the blink of an eye.”
Derpy gulped. Bon Bon closed her mouth.
“However,” Turner said, “if we are the ones that call the Royal Guards, and if we explain what’s, you know, ‘really’ happening in here?” He waved a hoof. “Everpony’s drugged, I’m hurt and the guards are unconscious. Suddenly we’re not the monsters who fucked up everything; we’re the heroes who saved everypony’s life. Everypony realizes we were just trying to help and everything cleans up nicely. More or less.”
Derpy frowned. “And what about Vinyl’s drama? What does that have to do with all you’re saying now?”
“Eh, both her and Octavia argued because Tavi is at least as egotistical as me, and Vinyl’s an idiot.” Turner licked his lips. “Everything will clean up nicely in there. I mean, Octavia’s life is in danger and all that. I’m sure they’ll make amends.”
“You’re a horrible pony,” said Bon Bon. “Words cannot express how extreme my hate for you is.”
“So you realized how clever I am?”
“I realized that you are so desperate to be seen as a clever stallion that we spent a lot of minutes talking instead of doing something useful for once,” Bon Bon said. However, she sounded more annoyed than angry. “Also, how the hell do you want to call the Royal Guards? The only one who’s not an earth pony here is Derpy, and I doubt she’s gonna fly there just to help you with your stupid plan.”
Derpy smiled. “I would do that if you ask me to, Doc.” She looked at Bon Bon, who was glaring at her. “What? It’s a good plan.”
“The hell it is. It’s unnecessarily complicated,” muttered Bon Bon.
“I don’t need you to fly anywhere, Derpy.” Turner shook his head. “And we spent a couple minutes talking because Lyra needed some time to start the fire. You know, so you can go and really save Octavia’s life—although you have to be careful in that, as there’s still smoke in the air. You get aggressive when you’re stoned, Derpy.”
“But…”
“Also, the Guards are coming in a few minutes, I’m sure.” Turner pointed at something behind both mares. When she turned around, Derpy could see a giant column of black smoke rising from the mansion’s direction.
“As I said, you need a giant signal in the sky if you want the Royal Guards to come here.”
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You jumped the gun a little, I was not quite done. There are two more things. (That is just like me, take a bathroom break and the world goes to hell.)
"Drug" should be "drugs."
"Of being" should be "to be."
Oh, Turner, you rock.
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KBO.
I love how horrible everyone is
3828657
Hate to love, Love to hate.
Time Turner versus Bon Bon... FIGHT!
Words cannot express how much I am loving this story so far, and this chapter in particular.
Have a moustache
Smartass Doctor is best Doctor
3828856
Derpy is a manipulative liar that tries to appear as an innocent and kind mare -- the complete opposite from her real personality -- just to achieve her goals, and she doesn't really care for the others' feelings.
Turner is also selfish, egotistical and can't help but think and act as if absolutely everypony but him is stupid. Plus he likes puns (a trait he shares with Bon Bon). He's not particularly lustful, though. He just would like to see his friends getting to know each other a little better.
So yeah. When I said "sociopaths," I meant it. None of those ponies could live a normal life in society. They literally can't understand social rules. Also, in a completely unrelated note, they're all a bunch of assholes.
Seriously. Every chapter is a masterpiece of snarky comedy, golden one liners, and semi-functional sociopaths. This story fucking rocks!
You know, I feel sorry for poor Blueblood. Sure, he may be a poncey git, but having your house burned down by a bunch of nutjobs on your birthday? Harsh.
My complete sympathy for those guards should go without saying. Nopony should ever have to deal with Lyra.
I'm honestly speechless with this chapter, and I love it!
Especially when everyone started screaming at the tops of their lungs, and Bastard starting giving out rumors of what was going on...I mean...seriously, someone should kick his flank 
I'm not sure 'lovely' is the correct term in any context for this story and its terrible, terrible protagonists, but I'll use it anyway. This is lovely and I can't read enough of it.
Actually, to heck with a single story. This could be an excellent series, with the same intrepid heroes sallying forth on different adventures like trying to hide a body, or restore a foal's belief in the magic of Christmas, or both concurrently. You know it could only go well.
(Also, much obliged for the shout-out. May many others give you cool comments as well.)
This. I like this
3829337 I feel these characters should be in a bank heist. This lot robbing a treasury? Could it get much better than that?
And it was the best birthday party based fic ever. Or something.
Any plans for the these people after this fic?
3830389 I'm sorry
3829495
I'm pretty sure if they tried, they would somehow manage to place the blame on someone else because no one would believe they could ever work together.
I still want to figure out how to turn this into a movie/show, mainly on the lives of a couple of sociopaths ranting at each other while causing mayhem.
Jeez, what else can go wrong at this point?
3830389 What fun is there in making sense?
3828906
I'm not sure if Derpy would actually count as a sociopath. Yeah, she's acting like a completely different pony to get someone else into bed, but that's actually not all that uncommon. Kind of a bitch thing to do, but folks to that all the time. And, at times, she does seem to actually have feelings for the Doc', so it's not entirely for getting laid.
Really, if not for the nutjobs she hang out with, she'd kinda be the protagonist in almost any given teen romantic-comedy
3832631
True. Technically, 'cept for Lyra, Carrot Top and (maybe) Bon Bon, one can think that all of them could live a normal life or, as you say, be the protagonist of a normal story.
Problem is, Derpy's a bitch. A total bitch. And I mean that as a synonym for "asshole." Same with Turner, Octavia and Vinyl. Compared to Lyra, they look perfectly normal, but think that they are destroying the lifes of a lot of ponies in this fic and yet they don't give a damn.
So yeah, maybe they're not sociopaths per se, I misused the word. They're just assholes. Mind you, this is insanely fun to write just because of that. I do believe that this story's appeal comes 100% from the characters and their interactions.
That's kind of cold.
This is literally the best fan fiction I've read in a long time.
3832958
I'm not entirely sure what classifies Derpy as a bitch, aside from getting pissed off in this whole situation, but besides from when she was stoned she seemed calm enough under her false veil of worried innocence.
Doc' is a creeper, yes, especially considering the whole 'hidden tracking devices' thing, but before everything going south he just seemed like a smart-ass.
And Octavia and Vinyl come of kinda bitchy, but really not to a huge level. Vinyl seems more petty for her revenge for being called stupid, while Octavia is...hard to nail down. Kinda narcissistic, yeah, but not overly so. Maybe I missed something, but while they may not be perfect little ponies, they kinda seem like...Humans, older teens or young adults that are petty, self serving at times and occasionally do stupid things. On another note, they are kinda responsible and mature (Vinyl at least knowing to steer clear of drugs and Octavia showing an interesting responsibility in committed relationships).
As for destroying a lot of ponies lives...the drugs might mess things up, but I doubt Turner or anyone else, save for Lyra, originally planned for anyone to be hurt (Lyra didn't plan for it, but she certainly took the chance and ran with it like there was 2 seconds left in the last quarter). This is just crap spiraling out of control to the point where everyone is just so frustrated they just about scream "FUCK THIS!" and leave, kinda like when someone's losing monopoly and they flip the board.
Of the others, I might consider Lyra a sociopath, but Bonbon is more of a total bitch (Aside from carrying drugs, she's yet to really do anything but complain and be bitchy), and Carrot Top is more of an overly stupid, idiot jock-type who only solves problems by hitting things until it's all better (Very very stupid, it's a good thing she doesn't have kids or they might be dead in a week)
Well, looks like the Doctor earned the prize for being a Magnificent Bastard.
Seriously, you make the Alternian Trolls seem like angels, and Caliborn... nah, Caliborn is still a snot nosed prick.
3833427
Huh. You might be right there.
Which makes it funny because I'm the author, but hey. A reader just analyzed my characters in front of me. I couldn't be happier.
Then again, you need to understand that I don't show their full personalities in this fic. I planned their entire backstory before writing this, so I can of have the upper hand in the argument. You still have a damn good point though.
3834250
Sorry, but I don't see the connection between this and Homestuck.
3834287 Yeah, I might've jumped the gun. In the beginning, the trolls are depicted as assholes, only to eventually turn out to be much more complex than that. Here, on the other hand, it's just assholes that were MADE to be nothing more than assholes.
And yet, you've kinda given them depth anyway. Derpy is still genuinely concerned about the Doctor when he's hurt and bleeding... though she was willing to run off with him even after he revealed how much of a cold-blooded motherhoofer he is. Kind of like... Harley Quinn?
Lyra proved to actually have some sort of unintentional honor to her actions. She takes her hits, she prefers a fair fight over simply trampling everything like Carrot. Though I can't pretend like gouging someone's eye out is something I can look the other way from... And she sorta puts up with Bon Bon, right?... Right?
Whatever. The most of the trolls are just assholes united against a common enemy. Your characters aren't assholes, you're right. You succeeded in making them into the kind of people you'd be glad to let die from cancer... Or you might possibly decide to plummet down a cliff rather than take their hand, out of suspicion that they might just want to break it before they'd let go, rather than out of spite.
3834287
...I didn't realize you were the author...Seriously...
...But I stand by what I said
...Turner...you magnificent, smartass! That is freaking genius!
~ Super-Brony12
Those guards really didn't stand, "a ghost of a chance!"
Yu-Gi-Oh The Abridged Series: Ghost Of A Chance
First we get to know that Turner has a magical butt and now he is being clever as hell? Definitely Turner for best princess
Turner turner turner frik a
Those poor guards!
That's actually a pretty good plan. I do wonder, however, how Turner plans on taking credit for summoning the guard when they were simply responding to the fire.
You had me at the second paragraph, then it just got better
Lyra wins best pony. Hands down. And I barely started this chapter
Celestia damn it! Stop making me laugh!!!
*CRUNCH*
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Time Turner is best pony.
A while back I had a villain in City of Heroes who was.. very much like your Lyra, only without the foul mouth and the penchant for stabbing.
I’d occasionally wondered where the inspiration had come from and mostly assumed it was some small corner of my mind, except clearly I’d forgotten about Lyra but... yes.
That’s her.