Sixth Chapter: We Started To Get Serious
Bon Bon had never thought about how much she hated forests until that day, when she saw herself forced to run through one due to her friends. Then again, she had never thought about how much she hated running till that day either, so maybe there were things you had to experience before you knew for sure you hated them.
So, all that running was bad enough. Running through the forest with Vinyl being an idiot over the communicator was worse. But adding Derpy’s insufferable whining to the picture? That was just too much. Usually Derpy was the least annoying of the group, but Celestia she sure was trying to change that. Crying, whining, screaming, yelling… It was amazing just how many nettlesome noises a mare could make with her mouth without saying a single word.
So, when she finally saw Derpy crying her eyes out over the unconscious and bloody Turner—Bon Bon refused to believe he was dead; he was too stupid to die without making a witty comment first—she knew what to do. Oh yes, she sure knew what to do.
Derpy looked at her, all teary and sad and cute and stuff. Over the communicator, Vinyl said something Bon Bon ignored.
“Bloody hell, Derpy, shut the hell up!”
Slap!
And then she slapped Derpy in the face as hard as she could.
Derpy stopped crying immediately. With a confused face, she looked at Bon Bon. Then she looked at Bon Bon’s hoof. Then she put her own hoof on her cheek, right in the spot where Bon Bon had slapped her.
Then she sat on the ground and started crying again, harder than before.
“What the hell did you do?!” Vinyl’s voice wasn’t a pleasant one, and when it was so loud, Bon Bon liked to fantasize about her getting her vocal chords amputated. “WHAT THE EVERLASTING HELL DID YOU DO, YOU IDIOT?!”
“Would you please shut up?!” Bon Bon yelled. Derpy cried even louder. “I slapped her, but for some reason it didn’t work!”
“WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU EXPECTING?”
“I don’t know.” Bon Bon scratched her chin. “For her to get unstoned, I guess.”
“OF COURSE IT DIDN’T WORK THEN! DO YOU EVEN KNOW H—”
“If you don’t stop yelling at me, I swear to Celestia I’ll break this communicator and go home!”
Silence.
Well, relative silence. Derpy was still crying. Bon Bon thought about slapping her again, but that would make Vinyl yell even more, so she did nothing.
Vinyl sighed, and Bon Bon could easily picture her taking off her glasses and massaging her temples. What an ass. That was the most arrogant gesture Bon Bon had ever seen.
Then Vinyl talked, using—of course—a very calm and comforting tone, like if she was talking with a child or something. “Derpy is having a freak-out,” she said. “You see—”
“No shit,” Bon Bon interrupted, “she is? Holy crap. You’re totally blowing my mind here. I thought this was how she acted all the time! If I had known she was going through a freak-out I would have done something different, like maybe slapping her anyway because you—”
“Yeah, shut the fuck up. She’s stoned, and she’s having a bad journey, okay?” Vinyl said. “I don’t know what has happened to Turner, but the drug is making her think it’s something very bad, and her mind is not functioning correctly… And slapping her does nothing, so please don’t hit her.”
Bon Bon squinted her eyes. “Interrupting is rude.”
Silence.
“What?” asked Vinyl.
“You just interrupted me. That’s rude. Don’t do that.”
“Please, tell me that you actually listened to what I was saying instead of just focusing on my interruption.”
“Interrupting is a very rude thing.”
“But you just...! Okay, you know what? Never mind.” Vinyl sighed. “Don’t punch that girl. Hug her, try to comfort her or calm her or something, and… and tell me how Turner is.”
Bon Bon snorted at Vinyl’s words, but obeyed. Partially. No way she was hugging Derpy, but she patted her on the head while muttering and awkward “there, there”. Derpy kinda sorta more or less stopped crying (or at least, she wasn’t as loud as before, which had to count for something), and Bon Bon’s attention turned to something more important.
She scratched her nose. Oh, Celestia, it was itching so hard.
And then, once everything that really mattered had been done, she looked at Turner, because there was nothing else to do, really.
He was lying on the ground in a very stupid way. His limbs were all over the place, like if he had been trying to dance some kind of weird tango with himself. His forehead was all bloody, and he had a couple bruises over his body. But, in the end, he didn’t look so bad. The blood was coming from a very superficial (although long) scratch right above his eyes, so even though at first sight he looked like needing a hospital, after three seconds Bon Bon decided Turner was just a drama queen.
She thought about slapping him until he woke up for a second, but that would have meant too much exercise, so she let that idea go away on its own.
“I think he’s good,” Bon Bon finally said. “I mean, he just has some bruises. He’s a wuss.”
“So he’s unconscious? Nothing too bad?” Vinyl asked with a concerned tone. “He’s breathing and all that stuff.”
“Hm. Yes.” Bon Bon poked Turner. He was warm. “Yeah, now I’m sure he’s not dead.”
“You weren’t sure before?”
“Nah.”
Vinyl sighed. “I thought you said he was okay.”
“Okay and dead are not mutually exclusive,” Bon Bon said. “Anyway, he’ll wake up on his own, eventually. Now what do we do?”
“I… don’t know.” Vinyl sighed again. “You know, I’m getting a headache here. If the Royal Guards are coming we gotta act fast, but… You can’t carry Turner on your own, right?”
“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.” Bon Bon poked Turner again. “And I’m getting a headache, too.” She looked at Derpy, who was still crying. “You know, I’m not very good at planning.”
“Me neither.”
“Woah, no shit.” Bon Bon snorted. “I totally thought you were the mastermind of this group! You always come up with such wonderful ideas, like for example, being an asshole all the time so we can feel better about ourselves! I always believed that—”
“Your parents either smacked you too much when you were a foal or they didn’t smack you enough,” interrupted Vinyl. “Bon, this is serious.”
“You interrupted me again.”
“And look how many fucks I give! They are just falling from the sky!”
“Har, har, har.” Bon rolled her eyes. “Smartass. So, neither of us is good at planning, but we need a plan.”
“Yeah.”
“Derpy is not bad at plans,” Bon Bon said. The pegasus was still crying, ignoring everything. “And she’s just stoned. Maybe we can, you know… cure her? Like, you know a lot about drugs. Is there some kind of sober-up method?” She bit her lip. “Like, I don’t know… making her puke or something?”
“Nah, that won’t work,” Vinyl said. “Drugs aren’t like alcohol. Derpy is going to have a very bad day once she sobers up, all nauseous and stuff, you know. And puking won’t do anything.” The DJ sounded annoyed. “Believe me, the only way to make that shit go away from your body is time. In a couple hours, maybe five or six, she’ll start to sober up a little. But until then? Nothing.”
Bon Bon kicked the ground. “Well that’s absolutely wonderful! I’m sure she’ll enjoy sobering up once she’s in jail, like absolutely everypony else in this Celestia-forsaken group! Why the fuck do I hang out with you again?!”
“Because you’re so horrible that everypony else throws rocks at you the moment you appear,” answered Vinyl.
“At least I’m not a good-for-nothing DJ that can’t maintain a job for more that two days.”
“I hate you.”
“Fuck you.”
“Bite my ass.”
Bon Bon opened her mouth to reply, but then a miracle happened. She closed it. On her own.
“Vinyl,” she said very slowly, as if she was talking with an even stupider pony. Hard thing to imagine. “Do you mind repeating how can we sober-up Derpy?”
“What?”
“Trust me,” Bon Bon said. “I mean, you can’t do anything else anyway, can you?”
“I can, you know, not trust you,” answered Vinyl. “Honestly, I would prefer to do that.”
“Vinyl…”
“I mean, I haven’t trusted you in my life.”
“Vinyl, this is serious!”
“Yeah, I am being serious too. I don’t trust you. Hell, if I was hanging from a cliff and you were nearby I would gladly jump into my death instead of asking for your help.”
“Well, I’m fucking glad the feeling is mutual, but we’re kinda screwed right now and I don’t want to go to jail, so stop acting like an asshole and say what I told you!”
Vinyl sighed again, and Bon Bon saw her doing that stupid thing with the glasses in her mind. By Luna she really hated that mare. “Okay, okay. We both agree that jail was horrible.”
“No shit.”
“So, as I said: If we want Derpy to sober up, we’ll have to wait a few hours. Maybe if we keep talking about something stupid she’ll get better? But the Royal—”
“No, that doesn’t work.” Bon Bon shook her head. “Say the exact same words you said before. It’s been like two minutes; even you should be able to remember that.”
“Hmm.” Vinyl tapped her communicator with a hoof. Bon Bon was able to tell because suddenly her ear felt like if somepony was punching it. “Well, you asked me if there was some kind of antidote for Derpy, right? And I said that there wasn’t; Derpy is going to have a very bad day tomorrow, all puking and stuff…”
“And?”
“And then she’ll be okay?”
Bon Bon sighed and massaged her temples with her hooves. “For crying out loud, you’re even useless for this. How do you even do that? How can you be so clinically pathetic all the time?”
“You’re the worst pony I’ve ever known.”
“You said,” continued Bon Bon, ignoring Vinyl, “that ‘the only way to get that shit away is time’, right? Like, we have to wait.”
“Um, yeah?”
“Okay.” Bon Bon nodded. “Good. So, the fact that we have to wait for it is just a secondary effect that we don’t like. Derpy just needs time, not us to wait for her to be better, right?”
“I’m not following you.”
“Oh, come on!” Bon Bon put her leg over Derpy’s shoulder. She looked at her, still crying. “We need this girl to help us with a plan, and she needs time. Am I right?”
“…Are you?”
“For fuck’s sake, Vinyl!”
“Well, it’s not my fault you’re not making any sense!” Vinyl yelled. Bon Bon flinched. Her headache was taking a turn to the worse, apparently. Ugh. “Yes, she will be better over time, because the drug will leave her body. No, the act of us waiting does nothing for it. So what?”
“So.” Bon Bon grinned. “We have Time here, don’t you think? Maybe we can use it as an antidote after all!”
Silence.
“What?”
“Oh, for crying out loud!” Bon Bon raised her free hoof to the sky. “I surrender, you’re too stupid to follow me on this! I wanted to be more or less dramatic for once, but no, Vinyl is too fucking simple-minded to allow Bon Bon to have her moment. Well, you know what? Fuck you. Let’s get over this shit as soon as possible, I want to go home.” She turned to Derpy. “Really, I don’t know why I even bother trying to give a fuck over this shit. Stupid unicorns, they know nothing about—”
“What the shit are you talking about?!”
“TIME TURNER, YOU BLOODY SACK OF TURDS!” yelled Bon Bon. “For the sake of your dead mother, it’s not so difficult! Time, we need ‘time’ and we have ‘Time Turner’, whose motherfucking first name is ‘Time’, so we have ‘time’! You got it now?! I’m Bon Bon, my fur tastes sweet, I have sweets as my cutie mark; Turner is more or less the same!”
Silence.
“What?”
“DERPY, LICK TURNER’S CUTIE MARK BEFORE I KILL SOMEPONY!”
“What?! No!” Vinyl screamed. “Derpy, don’t do anything!” The pegasus cringed a little and kept crying, not moving at all. “Bon Bon, what the hell?!”
“For Celestia’s sake, you still don’t understand?!”
“I understand that you’re trying to heal Derpy with a pun!” Vinyl said. “I mean, really? We use Time Turner’s cutie mark? Just because he has a funny name and I happened to word my sentence in a very particular way before?! Are you fucking nuts?!”
“No, I don’t like to copulate with food,” said Bon Bon. “And really, we don’t have any other option! Who cares if we’re using puns? At least it’s something! Maybe Turner tastes like time, and that’s enough!”
“No, that’s not enough, that’s the dumbest fucking thing!”
Bon Bon frowned. “Cutie marks are magical and Turner’s one is a dammed hourglass! If that’s not some sort of metaphor for time then I’m a mule!”
“And if that works, I’m a piñata!” Vinyl yelled back. “Look, magic doesn’t work that way!”
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t know you were an expert on magic!”
“WELL, FOR STARTERS I AM A UNICORN, WHICH IS MORE THAN YOU!”
“AND YOU ARE A PRETTY CRAPPY UNICORN, SO I DON’T THINK THAT MATTERS AT ALL!”
Vinyl sighed. “Okay, Bon? My headache is getting worse, and—”
“Oh, poor thing! You’re having a headache? My, it must be horrible!” interrupted Bon Bon. “I’m sure you’re the only one who’s suffering that kind of pain right now! How fucking inconsiderate on my part to be yelling almost as much as you, right? I mean, it’s not like—”
“Would you please shut up for a moment? Gosh. No wonders half of Canterlot hates you.” Vinyl’s voice sounded tired. Bon Bon took that as a victory. “Look, I don’t want to yell, okay? Sorry for that. But the Royal Guards are coming and we’re losing time with this idiocy, and—”
“And we can’t do anything!” Bon Bon kicked the ground again. “Look, it’s either this or just wait for the Royal Guards without even trying to do a single thing!”
“But it’s not going to work!”
“Well, then it won’t work, but there’s no other option!”
Vinyl answered something, but Bon Bon downright ignored her. She was getting quite good at ignoring ponies. I need to do this more often.
So, instead of listening to that sickening unicorn, Bon Bon raised the hoof that had been over Derpy’s shoulders all this time, put it on the pegasus’ back of the neck, turned to Turner (mentally chuckling for the unintended pun) and shoved Derpy’s face right into Turner’s cutie mark.
At first, nothing happened. Well, Vinyl kept on with her monologue, but Bon Bon didn’t care about that, so it didn’t count. The thing is: Derpy just laid there, her snout completely sunk in the stallion’s cutie mark, for a couple seconds. She had stopped crying from the surprise.
Then, she started to struggle against Bon Bon, trying to get her head up. But Bon Bon was quite stronger than the pegasus, so Derpy’s face didn’t move an inch. Then Derpy started flapping her wings and fighting with all her will, as well as screaming something that Bon Bon was sure wasn’t a cry.
At all.
In fact, it sounded eerily similar to a bunch of curse words yelled against some pony’s butt.
Bon Bon kept pressing Derpy against Turner. It was fun.
Derpy kept screaming.
Vinyl kept yelling.
And after a couple minutes, Bon Bon finally let Derpy go.
The pegasus got up insanely fast, her face as red as the bastard child between an apple and a tomato, and punched Bon Bon in the stomach.
She took the hit without a flinch. “Well, that was polite on your part,” Bon said, annoyed. “I mean, you’re fucking welcome for me taking that drug away from your body.”
“I was choking, you bloody idiot!” answered Derpy. “Why the hell did you hold me for so long?!”
“T’was fun.”
“Wait, Derpy?!” Vinyl said. “Are you kidding me? You sound sober!”
“I am sober now, I think,” Derpy answered, still looking angrily at Bon Bon. “My head is killing me.” She spat. “And I have fur hairs all over my tongue. Seriously, Bon Bon, you didn’t have to push me for so long! I couldn’t breathe!”
“Heh.” Bon Bon smirked. “So it worked. Something to say, Vinyl?”
“Shove a candy bar up my ass and hit me with a baseball bat. This doesn’t make sense,” Vinyl said. “Derpy, please, tell me this is a joke.”
“I’m afraid it is not,” interrupted Bon Bon. “Well then!” She smiled. “It seems like my idea worked!”
“Yeah. So we just learned that Turner’s butt is magical, because of a pun.” Vinyl sighed. “This is the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard, and I’ve been going out with you guys for years.”
Bon Bon didn’t stop smiling. “I still won.”
“You know what?” Vinyl said, “I prefer not to think about this too much. Derpy, the situation is—”
“I know.” Derpy spat again. “I remember what you said while I was crying.” She rolled her eyes. “And I agree on that ‘not talking about this’ thing. The fact that Doc’s flank is magical, or whatever the shit has just happened… It never did. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Come on, you’re just offended because you didn’t think about this.” Bon Bon chuckled. “You know this can be useful in the future, right?”
“Well, I think I’m a little bit more offended by the fact that you attacked me,” answered Derpy, “but we don’t have time to think about this shit, so—“
“Technically, we do have time.”
“Bon Bon, please.” Vinyl sounded desperate. “Please. Shut up.”
“As I said, we have more important issues to talk about,” said Derpy, ignoring her friends. “The Guards are coming and everypony is—argh!” she spat again. “I’ll never get this out of my tongue!”
“I thought you wanted to lick his ass,” said Bon Bon, raising an eyebrow. “Why are you so annoyed by it now?”
“Because I want that to be my choice, you asshat.” Derpy rolled her eyes. “And because I want him to lick mine back, and he’s too unconscious to do so. Anyway, so the guards are coming, Tavi has no communicator, and we can’t talk with Lyra?”
“Pretty much, yeah,” Vinyl said. “Any plan?”
Derpy sighed. “No. I can’t think about anything, my head hurts too much.” She looked at Turner, worried. “I’m afraid that we can’t do a thing. Maybe Doc would be able to come up with a plan, but—”
“Oh, come on! We thought that you were going to do that!” Bon Bon snorted. “Are you telling me that this has been useless?”
“Well, I’m not stoned anymore, and I don’t feel like crying,” answered Derpy. “So no, it hasn’t been completely useless, but I can’t help with the situation. Doc is the one who’s good at plans, I’m only good at thinking back-ups when those are easy.”
“Pfffft.” Bon Bon poked Turner again. He didn’t move. “So we need Turner now? Come on!”
“Well…” Vinyl’s voice sounded hopeful. Bon Bon raised her head once she reaized that. “You said that Turner was okay, right?”
“…He looks like it, yeah.”
“So maybe he will wake up if we give him, you know, enough time?”
Silence.
“I doubt that Turner’s ass is so magical,” said Derpy. “I mean, there’s a point in which this becomes too ridiculous, you know?”
“Hey, I didn’t invent cutie marks,” said Vinyl. “And Bon Bon was the one who had the idea, so it’s her fault.”
“Hmm.” Bon Bon got up and looked at Turner. Certainly, he was unconscious, but that was it. Well, that and the blood and bruises and stuff, but again, Bon Bon didn’t care about that, so she ignored those. “But we can’t make this idiot lick his own butt. He’s not flexible enough.”
Derpy spat again.
Silence.
“Say, Derpy… you still have his fur hair all over your tongue, right?”
Derpy frowned. “…Yes?”
“Hm.” Bon Bon smirked. “You know, cutie marks are just fur after all, right? Magical fur, I guess, but fur. That’s it. If you shave your flank, your skin has no cutie mark.”
Derpy nodded, still frowning. “I… guess?”
“Bon Bon,” said Vinyl, “are you wondering what I’m wondering?”
“I think so,” answered Bon. “Derpy, good news: you’re going to put your tongue inside Turner’s mouth. I guess this time you can do it on your own, but if you don’t want me to help you with it you better do it fast.”
The bad thing about ponies screaming is that they make a really loud noise, and if you are stoned and have been running for hours it can give you a pretty strong headache.
More so if you are screaming too.
Even more more so if you don’t know why are you screaming.
The good thing about screaming is that, all in all, it ends at some point. Pony lungs have a maximum air capacity. So, even though everypony took a deep breath and continued with the yelling at least once, eventually the second floor of Blueblood’s mansion finally fell quiet. And then everypony was panting, not really knowing what to do.
That situation went on for a very long time.
Very long time.
Then Cheating Bastard took a deep breath and—
“Fuck, no, you’re not screaming again!” Fleur de Lis took a step and interrupted Cheating Bastard with both her words and a magic slap, judging by her shining horn and the spark that had glistered on the white stallion’s cheek for a second. “There’s been enough of that today, thank you very much.” Bastard lowered his head and whimpered quietly as an answer. The rest of the crowd did nothing but look at the scene with their mouths wide open. Seeing that, Fleur nodded with a smile and turned to the grey mare. “And may I ask who the hell are you, Miss?”
That mare’s look took the earth pony by surprise. “Uh…” she mumbled. “I, uh, I am—”
“She’s Octavia!” Everypony’s attention turned to Cheating Bastard once again, as the white stallion had pointed at Tavi with his right hoof, like trying to imitate a very dramatic attorney. “She’s Octavia Melody! A friend of Carrot Top!”
Octavia blinked. “What? Melody? No! That name’s horrible!” She raised her head and let a confident smile appear on her face. “I’m the first cellist of the Canterlot Royal Orchestra, creator and director of the Chamber Music Extraordinaire! I’m the First Soloist of the Manehattan, Phillydelphia and Gallopfrey’s Royal Orchestras, compositor of more than thirty symphonies, two operas and the famous ‘Ride On My Knights’ military march! I’m the only pony alive able to perform the Third Movement of the Second Symphony KG67 from Robert Schumane, also known as ‘The Catastrophica’, with a single violin and without magic! I’m the winner of three Celestia Prizes for the Excellence and the Enrichment of the Arts!” She chose to let the “sexiest cellist in Canterlot” bit out, at least for once. “I’m Octavia Philharmonica, and you better don’t forget my name!”
Bam. Absolute and astounded silence on the room.
A lot of things could be said about Octavia, but she did know how to make a proper presentation, stoned or not. Vinyl had helped her with that speech long ago, and the results had sure paid off.
Then Fleur de Lis raised an eyebrow. “Gallopfrey?”
“A small island in Maireland.”
“Really? Because I’m from Maireland and I never heard of it.”
“It’s very small.”
“Oh.”
“I am pretty sure that your last name is Melody,” said Cheating Bastard. “I mean, I’ve known you for months!”
“I know the ‘Ride On My Knights’ song,” whispered somepony else on the crowd. “I would have sworn that the composer was named O. Melody…”
“Yeah, Melody sure sounds better…” said another voice.
“Octavia Melody? She is a famous pony?”
“Wait, wasn’t she here last year? Playing that huge violin?”
“I don’t know, she’s said something about a cellist, I haven’t understood that. What’s a cellist?”
“Somebody who takes care of the jail?”
“Then why would the Royal Canterlot Orchestra have one?”
“Miss Melody is a musician,” said Cheating Bastard, interrupting the whispers. “And a violoncello is a… well, you could say it’s a huge violin.”
“My name is not ‘Miss Melody’!” Octavia said.
“I’m pretty sure it is.”
“Well, it’s my name, so something tells me that I have the last word on this matter!” Octavia raised her hooves to the ceiling. “I’m Octavia Phillharmonica, Celestia be damned!”
“Hm.” Fleur, sitting by her side, poked Octavia on the shoulder with her hoof to call her attention. “I don’t want to take sides in this, but I’m pretty sure I’ve read your name as ‘Octavia Melody’ somewhere.”
“Well, obviously the writer was wrong then!”
“But I’ve read it in more than one place,” answered Fleur. “I like music, you see, and Octavia Melody is pretty famous. Maybe she is another musician and her fame is eclipsing yours? That could be possible.”
“What?! No!” Tavi shook her head. “I’m the one and only Octavia in Canterlot. It’s not a common name!”
“Then why does everypony know you as ‘Miss Melody’?”
“Because some idiot wrote my name like that and then it grew popular!”
“You gotta say, ‘Melody’ is easier to say than ‘Philharmonica’,” said a pink pony with a saddle covering her cutie mark. “Maybe you should change your name?”
“That would certainly be a good thing, in my humble opinion.”
“I WILL NOT CHANGE MY NAME BECAUSE OF IT BEING HARD TO SPELL!”
“But ‘Melody’ is far more Canterlot-like, my dear,” said Bastard. “Your other name is a little too… Rural, I would say?”
“OH, OF COURSE, LET’S TAKE NAMING ADVICE FROM MISTER CHEATING BASTARD, THAT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE!”
“Well that was uncalled for!” he said, raising a hoof and putting it against his chest. “I feel offended!”
“There’s no need to scream, Miss Melody,” the pink saddle pony said.
“FUCK YOU!”
“Please, Miss Philharmonica,” said Fleur. “I have a headache, so I would be very grateful if you stopped screaming. Right now.”
“BUT—!”
“I said right now.”
There was something in Fleur’s eyes—some particular sparkle that made clear it was better for Octavia to just shut up and obey—that made her stop screaming. Fleur sighed in relief once she closed her mouth and waved her hoof.
“Thank you,” she said. “I think all this smoke is messing with our heads, my dear. Excuse us for arguing about your name.” Then, in a barely audible whisper, she added. “But don’t be fooled. They’re always as idiotic as this.”
“The smoke is messing with our heads?” Cheating Bastard approached the two mares with a worried look on his face. “What do you mean?”
“Well, usually white smoke doesn’t smell as sweet as this one,” said Fleur, pointing at the whole room, which was still filled with white and black smoke. “I thought it may be some kind of drug. I certainly feel like my head is lighter than usual.”
“Now that you mention it…”
“I think you’re right,” said Octavia. “This white smoke is a mixture of drugs, I am… sure. Don’t ask why,” she added. “Although I think the effect is slowly fading away. After all—”
She interrupted herself when she felt that something was amiss. What had she said?
“This white smoke is a mixture of drugs,” she repeated, slowly. “White smoke.”
The room was filled with white and black smoke. The latter smelled like burned wood. It was coming from the floor.
The realization came a couple seconds after she noticed this.
Turner felt something warm and wet gently touching his tongue and teeth. At first he didn’t recognize the taste, but then it became something like old wine, old wood and old pastry. And there was something else… Hair?
Then he realized his head wasn’t hurting as much as before, and his mind was way clearer. The thing in his mouth was still moving… But what was it? He was pretty sure he knew it, but he couldn’t quite say it…
Then it stopped, and Turner opened his eyes.
Derpy and Bon Bon were there, looking at him with a worried look. Well, Derpy was, at least. Bon Bon looked more like a mixture of bored and angry. Then again, Bon Bon always looked like that.
For a second or two, everything was silent, even though he could see Bon Bon’s lips moving. His senses weren’t coming back at the same time. That can’t be good.
Then the sound came, and suddenly Turner could hear screams on the distance and Bon Bon’s words, clear as day.
“—d now he’s looking at me with that face. You know the one.”
“The sleepy one? Or that one that makes you want to punch him hard?” Vinyl’s voice sounded through Turner’s communicator. He noticed, surprised, that the device was still on his ear.
“The latter,” answered Bon Bon. “Oi, Turner! I can see that you’re awake, so either you move that stupid ass of yours, or I’ll get the hell away from here as fast as possible!”
“Ugh.” Turner twisted his mouth at Bon’s scream. “I feel like the battle of Rocinante is taking place in my head. For Luna’s mighty gonads, stop being so loud.”
“Doc!” Derpy smiled at him once he spoke, clearly relieved. “Oh, thank Celestia, you’re okay!” Then she frowned. “I can’t believe that worked.”
“It worked once,” said Bon Bon, suddenly smirking. Turner had never seen Bon Bon smirking before. “Why wouldn’t it work twice?”
“Mostly because it’s so stupid the Universe should have destroyed itself after the first time,” said Vinyl. “But we don’t have time for this. Turner, look, the sit—”
“What worked twice?” With Derpy’s help, Turner got up until he was sitting down, his back resting on a tree. Only then did he notice they were still at the garden of Blueblood’s mansion. “Wait, what’s happening?” he asked. “I remember hearing something very loud, and then…”
“Magic trees, Lyra using a giant dolphin to fuck with the nobles, the guards found us,” said Bon Bon. “There, that’s everything that happened before. You’re welcome. Now, Lyra and Carrot Top cannot hear us, you can’t run, Octavia can’t talk to us, the Royal Guards are coming and we really need a plan, Turner. I don’t want to go to jail again.”
“Yes, me neither. Lyra and Carrot Top are at the mansion. Octavia is on the second floor,” continued Vinyl. “A lot of things happened while you were unconscious. You see—”
“Wait.” Turner raised a hoof, interrupting Vinyl. A stupid move, as Vinyl was a few kilometers away, but the thought of it is what mattered. “I can’t think clearly right now; give me a couple minutes to clear my mind.”
“I’m not sure we can do that, Doc.” Derpy caressed his hoof, still sounding worried. Turner raised an eyebrow at her voice. She sure sounded like being in a hurry. “Right now the guards are coming here. This is a race against the clock, and we need your brain to do this as fast as we can. Please.”
Turner sighed. His head hurt like hell, and he wasn’t exactly at his best. A plan? Right then? With the guards coming? Were they crazy? There was no way he could do anything. Maybe if he had some minutes to think, maybe if his head wasn’t hammering him so hard, he could have done something. But at the moment, it was impossible.
He was going to say it—he had even opened his mouth do mutter the words—but then he noticed something. “Your eyes are funny-looking again,” he said, looking at Derpy. “And you sound sober. How’s that?”
“We found a way to clear her mind,” said Vinyl. “Well, technically Bon Bon did. I don’t want to have anything to do with that way of thinking, honestly.”
“I like how you try to distance yourself from my genius,” said Bon. “It’s like you have finally accepted you have the brains of a fish, so why try to look intelligent at all?”
“Bon, really, I hope you die in a fire made of acid.”
“I also love when you try to answer me but you fail miserably, so you end up just insulting me or saying something as stupid as that. You see, it makes you think about—”
Bon Bon went on for a while, but Turner didn’t listen. Celestia, he was so tired. The night had been too long. First, the whole Vinyl/Octavia drama, then the guards bit, then Derpy being stoned, and now this? That was how the night was going to end? Him listening to Bon Bon until the Royal Guards kicked him in jail so hard that he wouldn’t be able to sit down in three months?
And then, it clicked.
“Girls,” Derpy said, “I think now it’s not the time to—”
“Don’t worry,” interrupted Turner.
And he smirked. After a whole night suffering the other’s smirks, he finally found a chance to do one himself.
And hey, it worked! It scared everypony near him. Bon Bon looked like she had seen a ghost, and Derpy smiled sweetly. Okay, so Derpy is not scared, but Bon is what matters here.
“I have a plan. We need to gamble a little, but it’s the best I can do,” Turner said. Then he took the communicator out of his ear. “Vinyl, you can still hear me, right?”
“Yeah,” she answered.
Turner nodded. “Good. Now, Derpy?”
“Yes?”
“Come here a second.”
Confused, she obeyed. He approached her ear, and whispered something to her quietly enough that only Derpy could hear it. Once he finished, she still looked confused, but she nodded after Turner’s interrogative look.
“What was that?” asked Bon Bon. “Turner, what the hell are you doing?”
“Saving my own ass,” he answered. “Now,” he said, pointing at the communicator, still on his hoof, “if the sound is not as loud as before I’ll wear this thing in no time, but I don’t wanna take chances. You aren’t going to faint, so I hope you don’t mind. If you think I can resist the noise, then tell me and we can start. If I can’t, then I guess you’ll have to repeat everything I say and hope they hear us.”
“They?” Bon Bon frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Vinyl,” said Turner, ignoring Bon Bon, “add Lyra to the main conversation. We’re finishing this crap before the Royal Guards arrive.”
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Every time Bon Bon speaks, I hear her voice as Catherine Tate's character, Lauren Cooper from The Catherine Tate Show. "Am I bovvered? Do I look bovvered?"
KBO.
I hate it when you find out the room you're arguing in is on fire, it's always so inconvenient.
Of course the pun based magic worked! MLP is 25% puns by volume.
Ha
How did these
psychos sociopaths mad crazieshilarious ponies become friends again? I would've expected a few sword battles first.3823242
Bite my ass
Just had to throw in some of the absurd logic that the M.L.P. universe runs off of didn't you? Don't get me wrong, I thought it was pretty funny, but at the same time, I had one of those 'are you kidding me?' moments.
Funny chapter as usual, and I look forward to the next chapter.
~ Super-Brony12
I lost it here for a moment...
I had to pause while reading this chapter, just after the glorious demonstration of Bon-Bon's logic.
Fear not, the doctors assure me they'll be able to repair my lungs eventually.
Bon Bon logic. It works. Only 3 easy payments of $39.99. Order Now!
This story is just chapter after chapter of wonderful humor. Reading time turner in David tennants voice makes it work so well too.
Octavia had the best part in this chapter, no doubt.
3823198
You kidding? I LOVE Cath Tate! Man, you just made my day!
3823313
For me, 90% of the humor in this fanfic comes from the fact that they are so incredibly horrible that they need to be friends with each other, because absolutely anypony else would get near them.
3823986
I have to say, I had quite a fun time venting about the "Octavia Melody" thingy. Octavia is an interseting character in this fic, as she's the only one that has absolutely nothing for the readers to root for. Yeah, Bon Bon is a bitch, but at least she's funny, and Lyra's so over-the-top that you have to like her, if only because she's 100% crazy. Octavia? She's just selfish. That's why I like her so much.
I am so confused right now.
However I think I'm okay with that.
I thought this chapter was interesting, that's mostly all I have to say.
Philharmonica is sexier than Melody anyway
Six sociopaths using the most deadly magic of all to conquer anything that annoys them or gets in their way.
The magic of friendship.
good(or horrible, in this case.) thing friendship has nothing to do with morality.
3827224
Dear God, finally somebody points it out. I was starting to get worried.
3827228
Damnit. Beaten to the punch by a day!
Also, this line:
All hail the magical Turner butt
Hm... You hate the name Octavia Melody? Why is that? I fashioned my own FimFiction name to reflect it.
Fleur continues to be pretty awesome.
I think that was the most hilariously inappropriate "waking someone up with a kiss" that I have ever read.
3824192
Well, Octavia's sexy and self-assured. That has to count for something, right?
And less of an idiot than most of the other characters.
3847393 Lol
NO!!! I loved Stoned Derpy
Your writing style is just far enough from how a native American English speaker would speak that I have to keep stopping and either reformulating the sentences in my mind to be more what makes sense to me, or else I just get lost and can't figure out what you are trying to say and move on.
In the case of the end of this chapter where Doc starts saying what his plan is, its the second one...
Gallopfrey’s
Doctor whUwU
9576111
I don't know why I'm responding to a comment from 2019 but I just really wanted to say....... SHUT THE FUCK UP