Fifth Chapter: We Didn't Know What To Do
Derpy looked at the guard’s back until he disappeared. Turner still felt a little dizzy—he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to be able to get up or walk by himself. He touched his forehead and grunted when he felt something sticky on it. Yep, this is blood. Perfect. Just perfect. He had a concussion. It couldn’t be very bad—he was still conscious after all—but a little trip to the hospital looked like the reasonable thing to do at that point.
The first one breaking the silence that had fallen between them was, of course, Vinyl. Her voice came from Turner’s communicator, slow and confused.
“So. What just happened?” she asked. “I mean. Derpy? That was kinda awesome, but... What?”
Derpy squinted her eyes at the forest for two more seconds, and once it was clear that the guard wasn’t coming back she turned to Turner, a sweet smile on her face again. “Doc!” she said. “I came here to save you!”
Turner blinked. Now that he could look at Derpy calmly, he could see her eyes were straight, instead of looking both at the moon and the ground at the same time, as usual. Her smile also looked a little goofy, even more than usual. Her wings trembled a little.
And she really smelled like weed. “Derpy, are you high?”
“Derpy’s high?” Vinyl asked. “Woah.”
“No, silly!” The pegasus giggled and approached Turner with something that was not a walk nor a jump. More like a mixture between the two of them. “I’m on the ground, don’t you see? Are you hurt, Doc?”
“That’s not what I mean.” Turner sighed. “And you know it. And yes, I’m kinda hurt.” He raised an eyebrow. “What gave you the clue? The fact that I’m on the ground, the fact that I can’t get up or the fact that my forehead is as bloody as a lady on her honeymoon?”
“You’re pretty old-fashioned sometimes.”
“Shut up, Vinyl.” Turner groaned—his forehead was killing him. Derpy stopped right beside him, still smiling in that weird way. Her straight eyes were unsetting. “Derpy, I think I’m pretty much fucked up here. I won’t die for this, but I’m sure I need a couple stitches and maybe a good night’s rest.” He glared at her. “And, of course, you’re totally stoned so you can’t help me. Great.”
Derpy answered him with a very annoying giggle.
“Turner, you’re hurt?” Vinyl asked. “How bad it is?”
“No, I’m not hurt. You see, I was just joking all the time. The blood I mentioned? It’s just tomato juice!”
“You are starting to sound like Bon Bon.”
Turner blinked. “Oh, Celestia.”
“Yeah.”
“I guess it’s worse than I thought, then.” Turner sighed. “I hit a tree with my face, and now my everything hurts.”
“Aaaw.” Derpy smiled at Turner and nuzzled his cheek. Her mane smelled so much like weed that he felt nauseous. “Poor thing. Did that bad guard scare you, sweetie? You don’t need to be afraid now! Momma Derpy is here.”
“Yeah.” Turner coughed. “Thanks, Momma Derpy.”
“Oh, yes. You know who’s your mommy.”
Silence.
“Okay, I’m going to ignore that,” Turner said. Derpy was still nuzzling him, but he chose to ignore that too. “Vinyl, do you mind checking what’s happening with the others? I have a bad feeling.”
“Yeah, good idea,” Vinyl said. “You want me to talk with them privately or—?”
“You know, Doc?” Derpy put a leg over Turner’s shoulders. “The way you wooed that guard away was very hot…”
Silence.
“Derpy, I’m pretty sure you were the one who did that.”
“Oh, that makes it even hotter.”
“Yes.” Turner coughed and pushed Derpy away. She got close again the moment he stopped. “I’m pretty sure it does. Vinyl?”
“Yeah?”
“Judging by Derpy’s state, I’m pretty sure the plan went horribly wrong.”
“Big surprise,” Vinyl said.
“Which means that now we may be dealing with a drugged Lyra.”
“Oh.” Vinyl gulped. “Well, that sounds bad. But we’ve been in situations like this before, right? We can manage.”
“Yeah.” Turner pushed Derpy away again. “But usually I'm there too. Or Derpy is there. Hell, or even Octavia. But now? Bon Bon and Lyra are alone.” Derpy hugged him. “Derpy, no.”
“Derpy, yes,” she said, pressing her face against his chest. Turner gagged.
“So long story short, we’re screwed?”
“Mostly,” he answered. “So put me with Bon Bon and Lyra this instant. We can still get them out of here and run away or something.”
“What about Octavia?”
Turner sighed. “What about her?”
“What are we going to do? She broke her communicator!” Vinyl said. “We need to get her out too! Maybe you should go down there and—”
“Vinyl, I’m going to be clear with you,” Turner said, groaning. His forehead was killing him. “My head hurts, my stomach aches, I think I’m going to puke, I’m bleeding, Derpy stinks and she’s stoned, Lyra and Bon Bon are out there and might hurt somepony because they are Lyra and Bon Bon, and I think I heard screaming down the mansion before.” He coughed. “I’m sorry your highschool crush is angry at you, but we have no time for this crap. Octavia is smarter than all of you together. She’ll be fine. Put me with Lyra and Bon Bon right now!”
Silence. Turner opened his mouth to say something else, something that would surely have hurt Vinyl and made things even worse, but luckily for him, he got interrupted and couldn’t talk.
Unluckily for him, that was because Vinyl had finally turned off the private conversation, and everypony was part of the main one now.
That meant that through every communicator came one of the loudest sounds Turner could ever imagine: that of almost eighty nobleponies screaming and crying in despair and fear, alongside the unmistakable noise of a giant, pony-fucking dolphin slamming the ground every few seconds. Being so sudden, the noise seemed ten thousand times as strong as it really was in Turner’s ears.
The pain in his head became unbearable. He felt something coming out from his stomach, and next thing he knew he was pushing Derpy aside as fast as possible and puked as hard as he could.
Then everything became dizzy and he fell unconscious.
Getting rid of Steel Bar had been easy. Octavia had zero to no difficulties on hiding behind a tree and then running to the mansion, her hooves completely quiet against the soft ground of leaves and dirt. She was panting, out of breath, and her entire body was covered in sweat.
She bit her lip. Well, sweating could be sexy sometimes, but she definitely was not sweating in a sexy way right now. Yet another reason to hate running. Even her mane had to be messy after spending so much time in the forest. Dirt, leaves, branches… She was looking everything but hot.
Octavia shrugged everything off easily, though. She had no time for worrying over her looks, although she really wanted to.
Her chat with Vinyl had pissed her off. A lot. It had also hurt her, but ‘pissed’ was the correct word to describe how she was feeling right now. The only thing she wanted was to go and talk to Turner. This was the kind of thing you had to ask Turner about. She wasn’t really sure why.
What could she tell him. though? Octavia wasn’t really sure. Maybe the stallion could help her make amends with Vinyl? Although, now that she thought about it, did she want to make amends with Vinyl anyway? Octavia wasn’t really sure either.
After all, Vinyl had said, verbatim, that Octavia meant nothing to her. Well, that was truly a jerk comment. Vinyl can go fuck a nail. Octavia didn’t want to see or hear the DJ ever again.
What had all that crap been about anyway? Just because Octavia had played with Derpy one night she was supposed to sleep with all of them?! Hell no!
Yes, that was a good way to look at the situation. She shook her head, let the frown and the sad pout disappear and replaced them with a confident smirk and a pissed off look. She was going to look for Turner, and then she was going to talk shit about Vinyl. Oh yes, she was going to talk so much shit about Vinyl. All the shit. And Vinyl would never know because Octavia was never going to talk with her again.
She reassured her decision with a kick to the ground. Well, everything was perfectly okay once again! OctaviaTown was fine and dandy, as always!
And then she finally got out of the forest and appeared in front of the now empty main door.
The first thing she thought about was how amazingly soundproof those trees were. Inside the forest she had heard nothing at all. Then again, she had been kinda busy thinking about stuff, so maybe she had not been paying attention. But even with that in mind, the forest did a very good job at isolating sound.
Because holy shit, everything was noisy in there. Octavia could hear a lot of ponies screaming at the mansion, and the unmistakable sound of a giant, pony-fucking dolphin slamming the ground every few seconds.
And then she realized that the main door was surrounded in a weird mist… no, it was smoke. White smoke? That was weird.
“Well, fuck me. I guess the plan has changed.”
She looked at the starry sky and sighed one more time. Maybe destroying her communicator hadn’t been a good idea after all.
Now, let’s think, she thought. Well, she was already thinking. That was a good start! Now she needed to think about something else than her need to think. Wait what was that thing in the air? It smelled like… weed? She wasn’t really sure, so she sniffed as hard as she could.
Well, it sure did smell like weed. Was someone smoking near her? Where? Oh, wait. She was supposed to be thinking. Or was she already thinking? No, I’m definitely not thinking.
Wait.
Fuck.
She slapped herself, trying to clear her mind. What was happening? Her mind was going in circles. That wasn’t normal.
And then it hit her. The smoke! It smelled like weed, there was a weird, white smoke, she felt dizzy…
“Oh, Celestia. I’m stoned.”
Definitely, the plan had changed. She forgot about looking for Turner and went to the forest, where there was no smoke. Maybe the trees were enchanted? No sound, no smoke… Octavia coughed and breathed as much clear air as she could. Maybe Blueblood had cast a fireproof spell on the forest—Octavia knew it was common practice between Canterlot nobles—and for some reason that worked against noise and smoke too?
That didn’t sound very plausible, but the smoke wasn’t getting near the trees, so it had to be close to the truth, at least. Octavia sighed, stretched her legs and started to run again, this time towards the mansion, but always inside of the forest.
Now, onwards to look for Lyra and Bon Bon, she thought. Octavia was sure that they were the cause of the smoke and the screaming. After all, they were Lyra and Bon Bon. We should have left them at home. They never do anything but cause trouble.
“So, are you going to keep doing that all night?”
“I think I’ll stop once the statue breaks.”
“Well, that’s just wonderful.”
Lyra let her smirk grow a little wider. Truth be told, she was kinda tired of doing that stupid thing with the statue, and her horn was itching like crazy. She only knew how to cast two spells, and levitation was one of them—but levitating that huge dolphin was something pretty amazing for a pony her age. So the act itself was tiring, boring (you only could do the same thing for a certain amount of time before it got repetitive, even if the particular thing was something as funny as making nobleponies shit their pants) and it was hurting her horn. Really, the only reason why she kept slamming the statue was because it annoyed Bon Bon.
They had noticed at some point that there were ponies coming out of the mansion. Lyra was sure that there was only one reason why the nobleponies could be running into the slamming statue. “So,” she said, “are you going to get in there or what?”
“Oh, of course I’m going. You know, I love to run into—-“
“Yeah, cut it off,” Lyra interrupted. “I’m pretty sure Carrot is in the house.”
“And you know that because…?”
"Because the nobleponies are running out of it. There has to be something truly horrible inside. You should go and take a peek!”
“Of course.” Bon Bon glared at her. “I could go in there, take Carrot and run away. It’s the perfect plan! Except for the fact that we don’t know if Carrot is in there at all, because we have absolutely no proof. And of course, we have a supercomputer that can help us localize that mare, but nopony is answering through this piece of shit.” Bon Bon pointed at the communicator in her ear. It had been silent for a long time now, just like Lyra’s. “So who the fuck cares?”
“So are you going there or what?”
“If I go, I’ll breathe the smoke. I’m pretty sure that being stoned will help us a lot. In fact, we should have done that from the beginning! Why don’t we just—?”
“There’s hardly any smoke now,” Lyra said. She wasn’t looking at Bon Bon; she was too focused on slamming the statue (BOOM, BOOM!). “At least here the statue has scattered it. You’re welcome.”
“Well, you are right at that,” Bon Bon said. “But, just in case: if I go there, will you stop doing that with the dolphin?”
“Nah.”
“I thought so.”
Lyra raised an eyebrow. She was thinking about some witty way to answer her companion when suddenly something came from the trees behind them and started yelling at her. Something grey and sweaty.
Octavia. Who else it could be?
“You bloody idiots!” she said, looking at them with disgust. Octavia looked horrible, Lyra thought. “You were supposed to get in there and rescue Carrot, not this! What the fuck are you even doing?!”
“We’re having a wonderful time in general,” answered Lyra, still slamming the statue. Octavia retreated a few steps after looking at her eyes. “You know, playing with nobility. See?” She slammed the statue with even more strength. Pain ran through her horn and the back of her eyes, but she didn’t flinch. “Funny!”
“You look horrible, Octavia.” Bon Bon raised an eyebrow. “Like, really horrible. Worse than usual.”
“You are making your position painfully obvious!” Octavia shook her head and turned to Bon Bon. “I spotted you in less than three seconds! Don’t you realize that if I can do that, anypony can?!”
Bon Bon looked at Tavi and blinked two times. Then, slowly, she massaged her temples with her hoof. “Okay,” she said. “First thing: we were supposed to cause as much chaos as possible. Second thing: we were supposed to do this because you were distracting the guards—you know, the ponies we need to hide from. Which brings me to the third thing.” Bon Bon raised her head and looked at Octavia. “What the hell are you doing here?”
Silence.
Well, relative silence. The nobleponies were still screaming and the statue was still slamming against the ground. But the three mares remained silent.
Octavia opened her mouth. Then she closed it. Then she opened it again.
“Perfect imitation of a fish out of water.” Bon Bon sighed. “Now, please, tell me there’s an explanation that’s not completely stupid as for why are you here instead of dealing with the guards.”
Octavia looked at her with a blank expression.
Bon Bon facehoofed. “Okay, let’s make this as easy as possible for you: are the guards still distracted? Or are we fucked?”
Octavia blinked.
Then she slowly turned to Lyra.
Then to the statue.
Then to Bon Bon again.
Then she gulped. “Well,” she said, “it’s a funny story. You see...”
“Oh, come fucking on!” Bon Bon raised her hooves into the air, exasperated. “You had one job! So what, now the guards are perfectly fine? Do you realize that if they call the Royal Guard we’re fucked?! Do you realize that they could be right behind us at this very moment?”
“Hey, guess what?” a masculine voice said from behind. “You're right. The Royal Guards will be here in no time.”
A lot of things happened at the same time then.
First, two hulky stallions appeared right behind them—the guards, Lyra guessed. She had to admit it: Turner hadn’t been exaggerating. Those guys had muscles the size of watermelons. Lyra was sure they could break a normal pony’s neck just by looking at it.
The two guards tackled them, or at least tried. The three mares avoided them pretty easily, mostly because the guards had been stupid enough to warn them. Talking from the shadows and startling the criminals you wanted to get was pretty cool, but also pretty idiotic.
So Lyra, Bon Bon, and Octavia dodged them with a jump. But that forced them to get out of the forest and actually enter the garden. And then, the protection from the sound that the trees had been giving them disappeared, and Lyra could hear the screams of the nobleponies. They were far louder than she had imagined.
Lyra had been so startled that the statue jumped a couple meters in the air. That caused her a lot of pain, and as a result, the spell faded away. The statue fell to the ground, causing the strongest sound Lyra had ever heard.
At the same time, although she couldn’t hear it very well, her communicator made a ‘click’ sound, and they got connected to the main conversation again.
Just in time for the communicator to receive the signal of the louder screams and the unmistakable sound of a giant, pony-fucking dolphin hitting the ground harder than usual.
A new scream hurt Lyra’s ears just after that—Turner’s screaming. Then, something that sounded like Derpy saying something about somepony losing consciousness, and that stupid DJ yelling like a fucking idiot.
The pain on her horn, plus the one in the back of her eyes, both caused by magic, were hard to deal with. But once you added the screams and the general noise, they became completely unbearable, at least for a couple seconds. Lyra was able to avoid the guards once, but then she had to cover her ears with her hooves, screaming in pain.
Something tackled her and she fell to the ground, so she added pain in her back and legs to the picture. She hit her head hard enough for her sight to become blurry, but she didn’t lose consciousness.
Everything had happened very fast, but Lyra was faster. Knowing that she couldn’t use magic for a while, she just headbutted whoever had tackled her to the ground as hard as she could. A wild scream followed that gesture. She had hit an eye, seemingly.
Then she put the horn away and punched in the same spot. As a result, she heard another scream and the pony that was trying to immobilize her got away.
Lyra’s sight finally cleared, and she got up.
In front of her were two guards. One of them had blood on his face and was screaming. Lyra had hurt his eye. The other one was looking at her and frowning in a very interesting way.
Octavia and Bon Bon were nowhere to be seen. Lyra caught a glimpse of Tavi running to the side of the mansion.
Lyra was panting. Her head hurt a lot. She had no magic. The Royal Guards were coming. Two angry stallions the size of a little mountain wanted trouble with her. Turner was unconscious. Her friends had left her alone. She was surrounded by nobleponies that had all the reasons to hurt her.
“Well,” she muttered, the blood of the guard dropping from her horn, “shit got interesting.”
Being a DJ, Vinyl was too used to loud noises to actually feel any pain because of them. So, when the clusterfuck of explosions, screams and the unmistakable sound of a pony-fucking dolphin hitting the ground came through the communicator, she flinched because of the surprise, but that was it.
Still, she was sure she couldn’t say the same about her friends. She could clearly hear Derpy’s screams, but understanding what she was saying was downright impossible. Bon Bon was screaming too, but Lyra and Turner were silent.
The situation was bad, and Vinyl couldn’t talk with her friends. The noise was too loud. So she did the only possible thing, and looked for the communicator that was bringing all that noisiness to the conversation. It was Lyra’s, so she disconnected it. We won’t talk with Lyra, but at least we’ll talk with everypony else.
But, even without the noise, understanding what Derpy was screaming was impossible. She was yelling nonsenses, sobbing and crying at the top of her lungs. Vinyl looked at her tracking device on the screen, and saw that she was still in the same point. “Derpy?!” she asked, “are you okay? Derpy!”
No answer. Derpy didn’t seem to hear her. Vinyl bit her lip. “Turner, are you there?”
“What the hell is happening?” The voice that answered her question was not Turner’s, but Bon Bon’s. And she sounded annoyed. Vinyl looked at the screen and saw that she was running away from Lyra, in a completely random direction. “Is there anypony out there?”
“Derpy?” Vinyl said. “Oh for fuck’s sake, don’t tell me that you’re the only one I can talk to, Bon. Please.”
Bon Bon sighed. “You know, usually I would try to explain to you just how much of an idiot you are, Vinyl, but the Royal Guards are coming. We need to get the fuck out now, or we’re gonna end up in jail.”
“The Royal Guards? Are you kidding me?”
“Yes. Yes, I’m kidding you. This is the perfect opportunity for me to start telling unfunny jokes. I’ve realized it’s what I want to do with my life.”
Vinyl hit her forehead with her hoof so hard it actually hurt her. “Come on! Is there anything that can get worse?!”
“Giving the fact that I’m forced to talk to you, of all ponies, then I really doubt it,” answered Bon Bon. “Now, even though I don’t give a single damn, I guess it would be convenient for you to tell me what is happening. Like, why the hell is Derpy crying, and why are you talking to me?”
“Derpy got very stoned, and Turner got hit by a tree,” Vinyl explained. “In the head. Hard. Then I opened Lyra’s communicator and hell broke loose, and now Derpy’s freaking out and Turner doesn’t answer.” She looked at the screen. “Bon Bon, turn left right now. Go to the main door and once you’re there continue to the right side of the house. Derpy and Doc are there.”
“Great. Tonight is one of those nights in which I really ask myself why the hell do I even talk with you guys anymore. Words can’t even start to describe how much I hate you.” Bon Bon’s voice was filled with contempt, but she obeyed Vinyl’s orders and turned left. “The drugs exploded and everypony got stoned too fast, and then the guards attacked us, because seemingly, I am the only pony in this band of misfits whose brain is not completely smooth, seeing how both Turner and Octavia failed to distract the fucking guards—you know, that being their one and only job!” Bon sighed. “By ‘attacked us’ I mean Octavia, Lyra and me. We got separated. I think the guards only chased Lyra, though. And the only reason why I am not stoned right now is because the trees seem to act as a shield.”
Vinyl nodded and looked at the screen. “I can see Tavi heading for the house,” she said. “Carrot is still in the first floor, and Lyra is… standing very close to her, in fact.”
“I’m so happy to hear that,” muttered Bon Bon. “I would jump for joy, but I think I will just call you an idiot instead. It’s easier. And you’re an idiot.”
Derpy was still screaming, Vinyl was starting to get a headache and Bon Bon was the worst possible pony to have a conversation. The DJ massaged her forehead, trying to calm down.
Okay, so the Royal Guards are coming. That was bad news. Vinyl didn’t want to go to jail again. It was a nasty place.
Besides, Octavia wasn’t talking to her and she had broken the communicator, Turner was either dead or unconscious and Derpy was freaking out the way only a drugged pony can freak out. Lyra and Carrot Top were impossible to contact. So her only contact was Bon Bon.
“Shit, we need a plan,” she said. “We need a plan now. What do we do?”
“We fart around until somepony smarter than us comes up with something,” answered Bon Bon. “Shouldn’t be too difficult for you. Snails are smarter than DJ’s, I read it in a science magazine once. And I’m at the door now. Everything looks as if a million ponies had suddenly decided to run a marathon over here. There are marks of hooves and dead plants everywhere. I have to go right, you said?”
“No, I said left. You know, the direction you came from. I’m sure you have already seen both Derpy and Turner, you’re just too stupid to realize.”
“Oh, yeah, keep doing that,” said Bon Bon, talking louder than Derpy’s cry. “It’s completely useful right now. We need you to be a sarcastic asshole if we want to save our friends. In fact, I’m sure it’s the only thing we need. You keep doing that and I’ll just sit here and wait for everything to magically solve itself.”
Vinyl snorted, although she was sure Bon Bon hadn’t hear it. “For crying out loud, don’t be so offended. You do that all the time!”
“I don’t act like a rude asshat when the situation doesn’t call for it,” answered the earth pony. She sounded actually offended –Vinyl couldn’t do anything but feel amazed by the fact. “So stop acting like an idiot.”
“Well, as you please,” said Vinyl. “Anyway, you’re pretty close to them now. You should be able to see—“
“Derpy!”
“Good! Now try to calm her down, she’s freaking out! Be careful and—”
“Bloody hell, Derpy, shut the hell up!”
Slap!
Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! The guards! And the Royal Guards! Shit!
Octavia couldn’t think very clearly. The only thing she cared about was running. Running as fast as possible.
And Octavia hated running oh so much. She was sure that right now she was the least sexy thing in the whole world, and yet she didn’t care at all. There was danger right beside her, and that’s the only thing that mattered.
Steel Bar and Oregon Tail were gentlecolts, but also professionals. Lyra and Bon had been wreaking havoc on the party, and Tavi was with them—so for her own sake, she had to get away as fast as possible, or else…
Octavia shivered They would hit her, or capture her, or throw her to jail, or do something even worse. She had to get away. But where?
The mansion, there was no other option. She shook her head, trying to clear her mind, but it was useless. She was breathing the white smoke—some part of her brain knew that it was a bad thing, but clean air was nowhere to be found. She had to inhale that smoke. And she had to go to the mansion. She would be safe there.
Octavia kept running until she arrived at the back of the house. The air was clearer there, but her body had absorbed too much drug for it to matter. Going through the main door of the mansion was impossible; too many nobleponies, and the guards were going to come from there, that was for sure. So, she needed to jump through a window.
They were pretty close to the ground, luckily, and from there Octavia could see that the inside of the mansion had even more white smoke than the garden itself, but she had to get in there as soon as possible. There were no open windows, but a rock and some imagination helped with that, and in no time Octavia was in a deserted room right next to the dance hall. The sound of hundreds of ponies talking and screaming came through the wall, so going through the only door in that room was a no-no.
But there were some stairs that headed for the second floor. Octavia caught her breath, coughed after choking with the white smoke and climbed the stairs.
There was only one door in the second floor, or at least in the section Octavia was. For a second, she thought about how easy this would be if she still had the communicator, but then she remembered Vinyl and, irritated, ignored everything and opened the door. If she was lucky, she might even find her friend and end this nonsense, although that was nearly impossible. The first floor was in chaos, so of course Carrot was going to be there. Still, the mansion was a good place to look. Just in case.
When the door opened a dance hall appeared in front of her, filled with smoke, although not as much as the hallway. Carrot Top wasn’t in there, but it wasn’t empty at all. There were a bunch of nobleponies—she recognized Fleur de Lis, she was kinda famous. Also Royal Ribbon, she recognized her because of the saddle. And then there was…
Cheating Bastard, in flesh and bone. The white stallion looked at her and screamed like a scaredy-cat filly at her first horror film: a high-pitched, ear-destroying cry that made Octavia scream too. And then some other noblepony joined the screaming group and before anyone knew it, everypony but Fleur (who was just staring at Octavia) was squalling.
And squall they did. For two straight minutes, non-stop, there was nothing in that room but a bunch of idiots screaming and a noblemare looking at them with a bewildered face.
La crème de la crème of Canterlot, ladies and gentlecolts.
The only reason why Lyra ran away from the guards and headed for the main door was because she knew she wouldn’t be able to make it too far. Those two giant stallions would get her, and they would either take her to prison or beat the everlasting shit out of her. Only two options.
Any normal mare would have surrendered as fast as possible, because doing any other thing counted as resistance towards the law (were they working with the law? Lyra wasn’t sure, but they were called ‘guards’ after all), and it justified the use of violence. And the unicorn knew this from experience.
Then again, any normal mare wouldn’t have used her horn as a stabbing tool to leave one of the guards one-eyed. Surrendering in that moment would have done nothing. Besides, what was the fun in doing that?
Lyra wanted to fight those guards. In fact, she was looking forward to do it with a passion unknown to ponies who hadn’t experienced such a feeling before. The tiny bit of actual fighting she had done—stabbing that guard, mostly—had been incredible, but it wasn’t enough.
She wanted to experience the thrill of punching somepony who knew how to deal with a good hit and who knew how to properly return it. Dodging, blocking, holding—those were for pansies. Lyra liked to taste the blood in her mouth. The rush of adrenaline that came with the pain. Overcoming somepony stronger than you by mere perseverance. Hurting and being hurt.
That was fighting. When somepony punched you, you couldn’t just run from his hoof—you had to meet that thing midair, to welcome it like a mother welcomes his son on Hearths Warming Eve, to endure it and suffer it and cry in pain. And then you raised your head and returned the hit, twice as strong, watching your opponent flinching in pain and trying to do what you just did. Again and again and again.
Oh, Celestia I’m going to have an orgasm.
And the only one thing that was better than being in a fight was to actually win a fight. Losing them was not so pretty. Lyra knew she couldn’t win that fight, so she ran to the door.
The two guards chased after her. They were inches apart when she finally got to her goal, and for a moment she stopped and looked at her left.
She saw Carrot Top, standing on a table, looking at her with a surprised look. There were also countless nobleponies that seemed to have shat their pants in terror.
They all were screaming and crying, so the noise was unbearable. But the first thing Lyra had learned in music school had been how to properly use her voice to make herself heard.
“CARROT TOP! WE HAVE A CONFLICT HERE!”
That was all she had to say. The guards jumped on her and smashed Lyra to the ground, but Carrot Top was already running in her direction, and before Lyra could really feel it the guards had been tackled by the yellow earth pony, who immediately jumped on them and started punching everything that moved.
Lyra got up, shook her head, and grinned. Carrot Top gave the most beautiful kicks one could ever imagine. The guards weren’t newbies either, and even the one-eyed seemed to do more or less fine, given the circumstances.
She whistled and joined the party. With a strong jump, she appeared in the middle of the brawl and started kicking, ignoring the pain in her head. That would come up later.
A few seconds later, she was already tasting the blood on her mouth and it felt awesome. Then the nobleponies realized that Carrot Top wasn’t paying any attention to them, and they all exited the mansion as fast as they could.
At the same time.
The sudden stampede made the ground shake like a drunken mare’s ass on a crazy Saturday night, and both the guards and Lyra and Carrot Top saw themselves suddenly separated and covering their faces on the floor, trying not to die squashed by the hundreds of hooves. Fortunately for everpony, they were too stoned to create a good stampede, so the danger wasn’t so big.
Carrot used that break to look at Lyra and smirk. “Now, what the shit are ya doing in here?!” she yelled, trying to make herself audible over the sound of the stampede. She flinched when a pony stepped on her tail. “I was having fun!”
“Well, now you’re having more!” Lyra answered. “I’m supposed to be here to rescue you, but I thought that giving you a hulk asshole to kick was a better idea!”
“Welp,” Carrot answered, “you were right! For once in your life!”
The stampede was slowing down. Lyra and Carrot got up, only to see the guards slowly imitating them. The four ponies stared at each other for a couple seconds while the last bewildered nobleponies ran away.
“And for once in my life I see something I want to punch even more than your dumb face,” Lyra agreed. “Come on, Topsie, imagine they are carrots.”
This time, the fight had bitings.
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Lyra gets orgasms through fighting.
At this point... I'd believe it.
Also... Calling it now... Vinyl makes a plan to fix everything.
~Skeeter The Lurker
I
promisethinkhope I can edit the next chapter. Seeing my name in these author's notes is becoming a running gag...Dear Princess Celestia:
Today I learned that Lyra is a sado-masochist.
I really hope you have some brain bleach handy.
Yet again, Another great chapter!
, laughing to this.
I might need to buy an oxygen tank when I read, because I usually find myself gasping for breath
Moustache to you sir.
Oh gawd, they all need to just get laid or something, so many mental problems its like the Hitler Family reunion up in here.
3812062
3812124
ONLY TOOK ME FIVE CHAPTERS TO MAKE THAT A RATIONAL THING.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
3812257
You basically told in one sentence the entire prompt of the story.
3812280 The first one was a run on, it would have to be a complex sentence, and even with how I have it written now its incorrect.
Oh my god, they all need to get laid; because they have so many mental problems its like the Hitler Family reunion.
Lol gonna grammar nazi myself
Oh man... I feel so bad for those guards.
Also, I'm going to bet Bon Bon managed to slap the high out of Derpy.
3812062
There's only one explanation: Lyra is a Witcher
Oh wow! Everything just went from bad, to total shit storm. And I love it! This story is just too amusing.
Good chapters, and I look forward to the next one. Also, SHUT THE HELL UP BON BON!
~ Super-Brony12
Well, of all the stories featuring an inept collection of sociopathic background ponies causing wholesale mayhem with the aid of a pony-fucking dolphin statue I've ever read, this now holds an esteemed position amongst them.
I concede that the above's a small category in the larger scheme of things, but dammit, it ought to be larger.
The second sentence? Okay, fine. *DALEK mode initiated*
These words should be switched.
There should be a "be" between "couldn't" and "very."
"Neither" should be "nor."
There should be a comma between these two words.
There should be a comma between "Derpy" and "yes."
The emphasis should be on "about," not "what."
There should be a comma between "Bon" and "and," and "hear" should be "heard."
Rest in pieces, Derpy. "Apart" should be "aside," and "puking" should be "puked."
"Being" should be "spending."
"Been" should be moved to after "crap."
"Were" should be at the end of this sentence.
This sentence is... off. "She thought" may be superfluous.
"Now, let's think," apparently, is internal monologue. So it must be separated somehow to show that it is. Either with quotation marks or italicization. If you italicize it, "she thought" will become superfluous.
There should be a comma between "oh" and "Celestia."
The past tense of the word "cast" is "cast." "At" should be "on."
If you italicize what is italicized, you can eliminate "she thought."
"Here" and the period are superfluous and "the" should be lowercase.
"Me" is superfluous unless Bon Bon really is that conceitedly condescending. If she had fingers, I could see her doing the finger pyramid of evil contemplation.
"On" should be "in."
Typing error. I am sure you know there is no l in "screams."
"Was" should be after "Derpy."
There should be a "to" between these words.
There should be a comma between "seemingly" and "I." Also, since Bon Bon is talking about both Turner and Octavia, "her" should be "their."
"With" should be "by," and there should be a comma between "Lyra" and "though."
"In" should be "for."
Considering the italicized sentence is just one piece of information, "those were some" should just be "that was."
"With" is superfluous.
Okay, wow. "Out" should be "up." "On" should be "in." "Like" should be "as." "There" should be "here." Finally "hoofs" should be "hooves."
"Come" should be "came." (Giggity.)
"Go" should be "get."
1.) These words should be switched.
2.) "A" should be "in."
3.) "For" is superfluous.
"On" should be "at."
"In" should be "on."
There should be a comma between "oh" and "Celestia."
The past tense forms of "shit" are "shit" and "shat." "On" should be "in."
There should be a comma between these two words.
"Hoofs" should be "hooves."
Wow, that was fun. Sorry this took so long, but real life has been kicking my ass since early this morning. KBO.
3812062
She makes the plan, but it goes so horribly wrong that only improv can save them from. Barely.
And they still need to get those drinks in the end just to feel alright.
Pronoun-noun gender mismatch.
I'm still wondering who's the most cynical of the group.
3814692
You should just go ahead and edit the Google Doc file directly. Didn't Aragon send you a PM?
3816263 Yeah, but it did not have the google docs information in it.
3816044 Probably Lyra.
I really couldn't get into this. Just alot of crude back-and-forth banter.
I love how you repeated the "unmistakable sound of a pony-fucking dolphin slamming into the ground" line
So, Lyra is a sadistic sociopath with a fighting fetish, Octavia is one of your stereotypical, ignorant, egocentric prom queens that thinks all male members of the species are either romantic tools or useless morons, Bon Bon is the most annoying, self absorbed child with a penchant for being sarcastic to the brim, as in, she just can't stop.
Vynil is also remarkably childish and self-centered. Derpy is ugh... apparently, she's ugh... actually, I don't know how to describe her. She... has issues, I guess?
And I am apparently a weirdo science wizard that tells horrible jokes and makes terrible choices in friends. Also, I'm a pervert, and I might or might not present some rather disconcerting sexual fantasies...?
Pretty good read, though.
Well shit is fucked.
They need Twilight's dad to come and fix everything with the power of FUNK!
Holy crap, Lyra is so crazy.
I disagree, I still laughed my flank off
I think they would've been in less trouble if they had just let Carrot Top beat the crap out of her cheating coltfriend.
I wholeheartedly disagree.
10503580
Don't worry man it's great!