• Published 15th Jan 2014
  • 8,677 Views, 407 Comments

Long Story Short, Things Went Down - Aragon



Carrot Top discovers her coltfriend is cheating on her. Her first reaction is to kick him to next Monday, even though that can get her in jail. Good news? Her friends are going to get her out of trouble. Bad news? They're all sociopaths.

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Second Chapter: We Stopped To Remember Why We Hate Each Other

“Girls, don’t you think it’s weird? Vinyl hasn’t said a single word in forever.”

Octavia’s voice came clear as water through the communicator. Bon Bon had to recognize it: Turner was smart with his little machines. Bon Bon had no idea how they worked, but that didn’t matter anyway... or so had she been thinking till that night. If the stallion was watching them all the time, maybe he was too good with little machines.

“Yeah, she’s been quiet. What a shame,” she said. “I mean, I totally love when my ears are bleeding because she never knows when to shut the hell up, and her voice is so musical and comfortable and totally not too loud.”

Blueblood’s house was surrounded by a garden so big it was almost a forest—Bon Bon felt mud on her hooves as she walked down to the mansion alongside Lyra, but didn’t bother to look down to see it. She was too busy complaining. “But don’t worry, she’ll be back in five minutes. Like always. I think she wouldn’t shut up even if we were underwater.”

“Turner insulted her,” said Lyra. “So she’ll be flushing solid objects down his toilet or something. I would start with his clothes, and then maybe his curtains or dinnerware.”

Turner grumbled. “Lovely.”

Lyra chuckled. “Hey, it’s not polite to insult your friends.”

“Because you just know so much about etiquette,” said Bon Bon, glaring at her. “In fact, I’m sure you’re related to royalty, because you are the most well-educated mare I’ve ever known, just behind absolutely everypony else in existence.”

“Hypocrisy doesn’t fit you at all.” Lyra waved her tail in front of Bon Bon’s nose, causing the earth pony to sneeze. “You better shut up, Bon. You’re almost bearable when you do so.”

“For heaven’s sake, don’t do that,” Bon Bon answered. Her nose itched. “Celestia knows where you have put that tail. I don’t want to catch an infection in my face.”

Lyra frowned. “You’re implying my tail’s dirty, Bonnie?” She approached her a couple steps. “You want trouble or something?”

“Yes. Those are exactly my intentions. I’m amazed at your deductive skills. Why are you wasting such a gift in this simple conversation? Use it to fight crime and make this world a better place!” Bon Bon looked at the sky. “I am not worthy of talking with such an intelligent mare!”

Lyra smirked. “You know, usually I don’t give a damn about your rants, but keep talking like that and I’ll buck your face out of your shoulders. Got it?”

Bon Bon raised an eyebrow. “I like when ponies answer sarcasm with physical violence; it says a lot about their mental capacities. I would love to see you trying to solve a puzzle. I’m sure you would try to punch it until it solved itself. Sometimes I swear I think you’re not really an unicorn and that horn is just a piece of glass that got in your brain when you were a foal. It would explain a lot of things.”

“You are still talking.” Lyra took another step forward. Her face was just inches from Bon Bon’s, and her eyes had that one look. “Why are you still talking?”

“Well, for starters, I have a mouth. Also, I love the sound of my own voice, and your comments are so intelligent that I can’t help but try to answer to your witty comebacks in the smartest way possible, which takes a lot of words.” She licked her lips. “Alternatively, I guess I could punch a rock and start talking about hitting things with my forehead. Something tells me that you would understand that. It’s like they say: if you want to impress a monkey, act as a monkey. Sadly, I love the sound of my voice too much to actually care about impressing you. Now get off. You’re too close.”

“And yet you keep talking, even when absolutely everypony would have stopped long ago,” said Lyra, seemingly ignoring her. She was still smirking. “What a stupid mare you are, Bon Bon.”

“Wow, you used the same argument twice. That takes guts. Let me—”

“For some reason,” interrupted Derpy through the communicator, “I think that now’s not the best time to argue about that.” Her voice was almost a whisper. “Guys, I’m really close to the house. I’m hiding in a tree, and I’ve taken a look at the windows of the second floor. One is wide open, and the room is filled with ponies. The others are closed.”

“What about the first floor?” asked Octavia.

“Clear. But that’s your area,” answered the pegasus. “Besides, I can see the entire house from here; this tree is a good watchtower.”

“We don’t need a watchtower,” Turner muttered. “We can locate Carrot easily. Vinyl? Have you activated the radar?”

No answer.

“I told you, she’s not talking,” said Octavia, frowning. “I think she’s not there.”

“Oh, great. We’ll have to go without the radar until that idiot comes from the bathroom or whatever the hell she might be doing. Lyra, Bon Bon,” Turner said, “once you get in try to make the biggest mess you can handle. That way, Derpy can enter from that window.”

“Last time I checked you were not our boss,” said Lyra. “Why should we do that?”

“Because it’s better to have a pony in each floor than two ponies in the first and none in the second,” said Turner. “And we can later use that distraction to run away with Carrot. You know we’ll need some help with that. Now, shut up. We’re getting close to the door.”

“Well, I’ll do whatever I want; you’re not my—” Lyra interrupted herself when she saw Bon Bon rolling her eyes. “What?”

Bon Bon snorted. “Why are you even arguing with him? You always end up doing what he says. Stop trying to look cool.”

“I’m not doing that.”

“Oh, of course. You’re acting as a perfectly rational mare.” Bon Bon pointed at the house. “Look, we go there and you make a mess, as you always do anyway, and we get to go back home as soon as possible while Derpy rescues Carrot. No need for you to make us pay attention to your stupid mannerisms.”

Lyra looked at her with one of those looks that made everypony but her freeze on the spot and start thinking about what being dead felt like. Lyra could be dangerous, but she could never harm Bon Bon, and she knew it. Sure, the two mares hated each other, but then again, they hated everypony. Theirs was just a special kind of hate. The one that makes you pee on the other when you see she’s on fire—you’re being as mean as possible, but you still try to fight the fire.

Maybe that was the reason why they always ended up together when they had to split in teams of two, Bon thought. Well, that relationship was even more horrible than she had thought.

She opened her mouth to say something, but she didn’t have the time. Mostly because all of her thoughts about urine in fire were wrong, apparently. Lyra went to her in a few steps, turned around, raised her back legs and bucked her in the head.

Tonk!

Hard.

And she rolled down the forest, because of course she had to be just at the top of the hill, and of course the mansion was at the bottom. She had absolutely zero control on her trajectory. It hurt quite a bit.

She finally stopped with a strong thump against the mansion and felt dizzy for a few seconds. Lyra’s voice came through the communicator, and she understood something among the lines of ‘that’ll teach her’.

Groaning, Bon Bon tried to stand up and failed miserably. The ground met her with too much enthusiasm for her tastes. She tried to get up again, this time successfully, rubbed her eyes and...

Blinked a couple times. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

“Fucking jackpot,” she whispered.


“Lyra,” Turner said, “did you just kick Bon Bon?”

“None of your business.”

“It kind of is my business, giving the fact that we’re a team right now and—”

“You want a kick to the head too?”

“Okay, none of my business.” He turned to the cliff. “Bon, are you dead?”

“Yes, I’m completely dead. I’m glad you asked, you see, because usually dead ponies can’t answer to fucking dumb questions like that one, but this death of mine happened to be special! What a good thing, huh? Also, I’m glad to see that you were incredibly worried for my safety. Not asking for me or showing any kind of feelings towards my apparent death has been one of the most beautiful gestures…”

“Okay, yeah, you’re alive,” Lyra said. “We don’t care anymore. Shut up.”

“No, but really, my head hurts a lot.”

“I said we don’t care.”

Ignoring the conversation, Octavia stopped right in front of the stairs that went down to the main door of Blueblood’s mansion. Turner, right behind her, looked at what was waiting for them down there, and he could see two guards the size of chariots. Their necks were like Turner’s entire body, and he could see muscles as big as watermelons in their legs.

He then turned back to Octavia and gulped. “Well,” he said, “it seems like we have company.”

“Yes, I know.” The gray mare smiled, and there was something in her face that Turner didn’t like at all. “I already know them, in fact. They’re the only two guards in the entire house, and I’ve dealt with them once. I can deal with them again.”

“Oh?” Turner raised an eyebrow. “How so?”

“I’ve told you I’ve been here before, right?”

“Wait...” came Lyra’s voice from the communicator. “So you’re telling me that last time you came here you beat those guys senseless or something? Because if that’s the case I suddenly find you a little less pathetic, Tavi.”

Octavia didn’t say anything for a few moments, and Turner could do nothing but frown. She had quite a peculiar expression—the one she had when she was thinking on...

“Turner, you are the biggest asshole I’ve ever met, did you know that?”

Turner blinked in surprise. “Vinyl?” he asked. “Is that you?”

“What?” Octavia frowned and touched her communicator. “That was Lyra, right?”

“Yeah, t’was me,” answered Lyra. “No weirdos in here.”

“No, she called me an asshole.” Turner frowned and sat on the floor. “Vinyl. Answer me.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m here. I’m just talking to you right now,” said Vinyl. “You know, trying this sweet thing you have in this wicked computer. I can talk to only one pony?”

“Um, of course you can.” Turner rolled his eyes. “What kind of communicator would be this thing otherwise?” He looked at Octavia, who was staring at him with a raised eyebrow. “Vinyl’s only talking to me,” Turner said. “Because she’s an idiot, mostly.”

“I’m not an idiot!”

“Ah!” Octavia smiled. “I heard her too this time!”

“Me too!” whispered Derpy. “Vinyl, what have you been doing?”

“Oh, I didn’t like Turner’s little joke about me being stupid, so I flushed a couple things down his toilet to break it. I started with his clothes and curtains, and then I put some of his most expensive dinnerware.”

“Told ya,” said Lyra.

“Vinyl!” whispered Derpy. “That was incredibly mean on your part! I can’t believe you were so bad! Why are you such a bully?”

“He called me stupid!”

“Okay, you’re totally paying me for that later,” Turner said. “Now, Octavia, please, tell me we have an interesting plan to get rid of those two guards so we can distract this goldfish of a friend we have over the communicator. I don’t want her to get bored and go and try to burn my bloody house down.”

“That wouldn’t be my next course of action,” said Lyra. “I would throw all of his food at his neighbor’s door so he’d have to apologize later. Then I would burn out something.”

“Lyra, you’re really not helping me here.”

“Why would I want to help you?”

Turner rolled his eyes. He could feel the smirk in Lyra’s voice.

“Well...” Octavia chuckled. Oh for crying out loud, Turner thought, she was smirking too? He hated smirks. Nothing good came out of smirks. “I certainly have a plan that’s interesting, but I think they are going to enjoy it more than you.”

Silence. Turner facehoofed. “It’s gonna be painful, right?”

“Go on, girl.” Vinyl sounded eager. “I know that voice. You’re thinking about something hot, aren’t you?”

“Well, you see...” Octavia giggled and raised an eyebrow at Turner. “Blueblood’s party was boring, okay? When I went here, I tried to entertain myself the best way I could, so... I had a break at one moment, and...”

Silence.

“Let’s say,” she continued after licking her lips, “that I certainly know that one of the guards fancies mares, and the other one’s door swings the other way.”

Turner felt shivers. “Oh, no. Oh, nonononononononONONONONONO—”

“Oh, come on.” Octavia patted him in the head. “Look, it’s easy: we both go down there. I use this body the Universe gave me to distract one of them. You go to the other, flutter your eyes a little and say a couple pretty things about his muscles and voilá! Everything is solved!”

NONONONONONONONONONONO—!”

“OH YES!” Vinyl screamed. “OCTAVIA, I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA MAKE ME PROUD!”

“U-uh.” Derpy gulped. “Doc with another stallion? Huh...”

“Hot,” said Lyra.

Shut up, all of you,” Turner barked. “Look, Octavia, I am glad you think I’m cute but I am not, I repeat, I am not seducing that monster!” He pointed at the stairs. “Have you even seen his size?! He can kill me with a pat of his leg!”

“Well, if you do your job well, he won’t use his leg,” muttered Lyra.

“SHUT UP!”

“Look,” Octavia said calmly, “I knew you were gonna react like this, so—”

“NO SHIT, YOU KNEW? WHAT GAVE YOU THE CLUE? THE FACT THAT I AM NOT GAY OR THE FACT THAT THE STALLION DOWNSTAIRS CAN HUMP ME TO DEATH WITHOUT ANY KIND OF EFFORT?!”

“Yeah, that’s even hotter,” Vinyl said.

“—so,” Octavia continued, “I’m willing to give you something in exchange.”


Vinyl’s laugh died after hearing that line, although the smirk didn’t fade from her face. She could hear the sultriness in Tavi’s voice. That mare was thinking about something good.

Turner seemed to notice too, because he stopped yelling immediately. “What do you mean?” he asked.

“What do you think I mean?”

“Being you the one who’s saying that, I don’t really know,” answered the stallion. Vinyl licked her lips. She was more or less as lost as him, but she remained silent, as well as the other three mares in the conversation. “Something that would offend my good old mother.”

“Is that a problem?”

“Just the opposite.” Turner sighed. “But, you know, even if you agreed to pole-dance for me—which, let’s admit it, would be awesome—I would say ‘no’. I’m just not seducing that gay planet of muscles, thank you very much. I love my ass and don’t want to see it turn into a shapeless piece of bloody meat.”

“Time Turner,” Vinyl muttered. “As romantic as always. Tavi, what are you talking about? You aren’t gonna sleep with this asshole, right?”

“Please, Vinyl, that would be unladylike,” answered her friend. “No, I’m talking about something way better.”

“Woah,” Lyra said. “Stakes are high then.”

“Go big or go home, right? Look, Turner, I’m offering you this.” Octavia sounded calm. “Me and Derpy. Full make out session. Ten, maybe fifteen minutes.”

What?!”

“Woah.”

Derpy and Lyra had sounded surprised. Turner’s voice, on the other hoof, sounded perfectly normal all of a sudden, no sign of hysteria whatsoever. “Tongue?”

“Tongue and touching flanks,” answered Octavia. “The three of us in the same room, no cameras or weird technology. You’ll see the tongues. A little moaning if you please, but nothing too strong.”

“Octavia!” Derpy’s voice was the closest thing you could get to a rage scream while whispering. “Something tells me I should have a say in this!”

“Derpy, please. I’m trying to make a deal here.”

“I’m not making out with you just so Turner can be turned on!”

“Darling,” Octavia said, “he is always like that. His name—”

“I’m not in the mood for puns!” yelled Derpy. “Listen to me!”

“Woah.” Vinyl shook her head. No way was she missing such a show just because Derpy had a severe case of prudeness. Luckily for them, Vinyl knew a lot of cures to prudeness. Quick as an eagle hunting down a rabbit, she pushed a couple buttons and started a private conversation with the pegasus. “Girl, what are you doing?” she asked. “Turner is going to make out with a guy! We can’t afford missing that!”

“Vinyl, I’m not making out with Octavia!”

Her voice sounded at the same time outraged and offended... but deep inside there was doubt. Vinyl knew the pegasus; she wanted the gay porn. “Look.” Vinyl took a deep breath. “Look, this is a private conversation, they can’t hear you.”

Silence.

“Are you sure?”

“Totally.”

“So Doc can’t hear us?” Derpy’s voice was losing her usual sweetness.

Vinyl smiled. “Nope. You can let it out.”

“Oh, fine then.” She sighed. “Okay, yeah, I’m totally making out with Octavia to see that thing. My Celestia, gay Doc? That’s like a dream come true. I would kill my hypothetical firstborn son for that shit.” Derpy chuckled. “Girl, let me tell you: I hope you tape that thing, because I’ll be listening to it every night.”

“Of course I’ll be recording that.” Vinyl smirked. “Imagine all the things I could do with it! I could instantly win every argument with that asshole! I could blackmail him every time I wanted! He wants me to pay for his toilet? Oh, sorry, can’t hear you over the sound of this gay tape of yours! Want me to apologize to your mother because I called her fat? Gay tape! I need money to pay the rent and he doesn’t want to lend me some? Gay tape!”

“I guess.” Derpy laughed. “But I’ll use it for everything but that. Damn, gay Doc. That’s like my second best dream come true, really.”

“Second?”

“First one is both him and the guard in my bedroom.”

Vinyl sighed. “Of course. I still can’t see what in the name of Luna you see in him.”

“He’s perfectly fuckable. Nicest ass in Equestria,” answered Derpy.

“I beg to differ. But why did you say no to Tavi’s offer if you’re so willing to make out with her?”

“Vinyl, I would make out with my octogenarian uncle for a tape of gay Doc’s porn,” Derpy said. “But I can’t just act as like a lusty mare in front of him.”

“Oh, right.” Vinyl nodded. “That would be too much like you. The Derpy I used to know was the sultriest girl I’ve seen, right after Tavi. What happened to that girl?”

“Turner likes the innocent kind.”

“Yeah, but…” She shrugged. “I don’t know, you’re not being yourself. If you get to seduce him acting like that, then he won’t be in love with you, right?”

“Look,” Derpy said, “let me get him naked at my place first, and after I’ve let him completely dry I’ll deal with those ‘you were lying’ problems.”

“Isn’t he naked all the time?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I guess. I still think that’s not healthy, but hey.” Vinyl waved a hoof. “It’s your sex life, not mine. So you were going to say yes from the beginning? Even though you need to make out with your friend first?”

“I was waiting for somepony to ‘convince’ me first.” Derpy laughed. “I’m glad you’ve been so fast.”

“Yeah, you know me. If you need my help, or just need to piss of Turner, I’m the mare.”

“Absolutely.” Derpy sounded as happy as a foal on Hearths Warming. “And about the making out friend thing…? Well, it’s Octavia. Who hasn’t got a make out session with Tavi by now?”

Silence.

“Would you kindly repeat that?” Vinyl asked, talking slowly. “I, uh, don’t think I got it right.”

“Oh, please, Vinyl.” Derpy answered her in a weird tone. Vinyl couldn’t wrap her mind about it. Was it serious? Deadpanning? Maybe she was giggling? “It was a little fun between girls, nothing else. Don’t tell me you have never experimented with a friend?”

“Please, tell me you’re kidding.”

“You may never know.”

“With Tavi?!”

“Hey, do you think Doc will try to join the party when Tavi and I get down to business?”

“Derpy, holy shit, you’re scaring me right now.”

“Yeah, I would like to be with another stallion instead of another mare if we’re going to have a threesome,” Derpy said. “But at this point I would do anything to get that imbecile looking at my rear, so I don’t really care. Besides, Tavi is always fun.”

“Okay, you’re clearly trying to mess with my head right now.” Vinyl coughed. “Now start that story from the beginning.”

“More details later. Now, do you mind getting back at the main conversation so I can act as a prude again? Thank you.”

Vinyl opened her mouth to say something else, but no words came out. Instead, she pushed another couple buttons, grateful for the Idiocy Mode. It may be insulting, but it sure was useful. Suddenly she could hear everypony again. “...so, a little preening for her wings and she can lick my cutie mark,” Octavia was saying. “Deal?”

“Deal,” answered Time Turner. “Always a pleasure to make business with you, Madame Phillarmonica.”

“I can lick what?” Derpy hissed. “Doc, you are really asking for trouble, aren’t you?”

“Cut me some slack, I’m about to seduce a monster just to see your wings in Tavi’s mouth.” Turner sounded at the same time joyful and desperate. Vinyl found it funny as hell. “I hope you feel flattered.”

“How romantic.”

Silence, again.

“Turner,” Lyra said, “just remember: lay down and think of Manehattan.”

“Screw you.”

“Nah, I’m not the one getting screwed.”

“Woah,” said Vinyl, “he’s getting cocky at us?”

“Remember, Turner,” Bon Bon muttered, “no pain, no gain. You’re going to gain a lot.”

“You girls are assholes.”

“Stop worrying about our assholes and think about yours, dickhead.”

“Or about his dickhead.”

“Just how many penis jokes do you have?”

“Not enough, that’s for sure.”


Lyra kept her smirk on her face the entire time. Kicking Bon Bon had been surprisingly relaxing; she should do that more often. And even better: the earth pony had stopped talking for once, and that was so strange that she treasured every moment of silence. She absolutely loved being without Bon Bon’s chattering going on and on and on all the time. That mare was so stupid. Lyra hated her. She hated her so much. She hated everypony, but Bon Bon was a special case, because she was just so stupid and she never shut up. But now she was completely quiet. Lyra had kicked her in the head, and now she was quiet.

Of course, she was fine. She had said a couple words before, right? So it’s not like her kick killed her. No siree. Bon Bon was perfectly fine. She was just not there, and not talking to her. Lyra’s dream come true. Well, she had been without Bon Bon before, of course, like when the earth pony went out on her own. But being in the same place and being perfectly able to speak to each other—via the communicator, of course—and still no talking? That was perfect. Bon Bon had finally learned to shut the hell up. Lyra couldn’t be happier.

Eyup. It was perfect. Perfectly perfect.

She kept on rounding the house, looking for an open window to break into that stupid mansion and break shit up. And she was definitely not thinking about where the hell Bon Bon was or why she wasn’t talking to her. After all, the kick was hardly a novelty, she had done worse things before. It was, like, her thing. Besides, it had been just a kick, right? Nothing too serious. Bon Bon was perfectly fine—she had said so.

No open windows. That part of the garden was actually less wild than the backside. Lyra saw some kind of vegetable patch with potatoes and tomatoes in it. A lot of gardener tools were in there too—a shovel, a big sack filled with something brown, a rake...

She could hear nobleponies near. She was sure she could see them inside the house if she looked through the window, but she didn’t want to be spotted. So she could hear them, but she couldn’t see them. Also she was not thinking about why Bon Bon was so quiet. She wasn’t thinking about that at all. Celestia be damned, she hated that earth pony. She couldn’t be happier. No talking, even though the communicator was still on. Yeah. Paradise. She loved that situation.

She totally lov– Okay, fuck it. Where the hell was that mare and why wasn’t she talking? Lyra huffed and turned around, going to the southern part of the house, where she had kicked Bon Bon. She patted her communicator. “Bon Bon,” she said, breaking the silence.

“Hmm?” The earth pony’s voice came, and Lyra could feel herself calming down a little. She also got immediately pissed off at the answer, because she hated that mare after all, and talking with her was a pain in the ass.

“Where the hell are you?”

“Hmmmpf.” Bon Bon’s voice sounded muffled, like if she had something in her mouth. Then Lyra heard her spitting something out, and next time she talked, Bon Bon’s voice was as normal as ever. “Well, I don’t know if you remember, but you sorta kinda kicked me in the face and I rolled down this stupid cliff. Maybe it’s too blurry to you; because I guess that your long-term memory has a three-maybe-four seconds ratio and you constantly forget that being a huge ass is not exactly the best thing ever. But, well, who am I to judge, huh? I mean, it’s not your fault. The world made you this way. It’s society’s fault. They should have thrown you into a fire the moment you opened your eyes. My head hurts a lot, did you know?”

“For fuck’s sake, Lyra,” came Vinyl’s voice. “Why did you do that? She was being quiet for once! I almost forgot she was there! I was happy!”

“Yeah, I should have shut my mouth,” muttered Lyra. “Either that, or I should have kicked her harder.”

Lyra!” Derpy whispered. “Don’t say such things, or I’ll be angry!”

“Oh, no. An angry Derpy.” Lyra rolled her eyes. “Run for the motherfucking hills.”

“Hmmmpf.”

Lyra frowned. Bon Bon had sounded muffled again. “What in tarnation are you doing, you idiot?” she asked. “And where are you?”

Bon Bon spat again. “I’m providing us with the best distraction we can get. You’re welcome, by the way.”

“You’ve found a distraction?” Derpy’s voice came out through the communicator this time. “A good one?”

“No, a very bad one. That’s the reason why I said it was the best we have. Ask a stupid question...” Bon Bon huffed a little, like if she had trouble moving. “Now, Derpy, wait on your point until you see you can enter the house without trouble. Lyra, where are you?”

“Left side of the house.”

“Stay there, I’m going your way. I’ve finished with this anyway.”

“Octavia? Doc?” Derpy asked. “How are you doing? Have you heard this?”

“Yeah, we have. Good one, Bon. For the first time in your life you’re not useless,” said Octavia. "I’m going there first so Turner can seduce the gay one later without public. Vinyl, please, turn off my communicator—I’ll be talking a lot, I might distract you.”

“As you please, m’lady.”

“Bon Bon, what kind of distraction do you have?” Turner asked. “Because if it’s good enough, maybe I can—.”

“Turner, I’m only doing it because you’re distracting the guard,” interrupted Bon. “I can’t do anything otherwise. We make noise, go in there, get Carrot, get out and once you’ve finished doing the snu-snu we go back to our houses and everything is fine and dandy.”

“I hate you so much.”

“Everypony does,” said Lyra. “And you still haven’t told us what the distraction is, Bonnie. What are you planning?”

“Don’t call me that; you’re not my mother. And I thank Celestia for that, because I’m sure that any foal unlucky enough to have you as her motherly figure would try to strangle herself with her diapers after three days of dealing with your shit. As for my plan, turn around and see for yourself.”

Lyra did so, and her eyes opened wide at the sight that unfolded upon her. Bon Bon, a wild smile in her face and a weird sparkle in her eyes, was carrying a bag filled with...

“Bonnie, is that what I think it is?”

“What?” Vinyl asked them with an eager voice. “I think I’m missing something, and after gay Turner nothing can go wrong today. What is it?”

Bon Bon chuckled. “It’s the prankster’s most beautiful dream come true, my little awful musician. You see, when Lyra kicked me for the sole reason of being a huge idiot, I ended up finding Blueblood’s own private garden. And with ‘private’, I mean private.”

“Oh, no. You’re not saying...”

“Yes.” Bon Bon threw the bag to the ground and licked her lips. “Origanum, weed, Green Fantasy, Dream Hay, clover and some weird red leaf I had never seen.”

“Wait.” As Lyra approached to the bag and inspected what was inside, Derpy talked through the communicator. “Are you saying that Blueblood has a drug garden here?”

“No. No he has not.” Bon Bon pointed at the bag. “In fact, everything you see? Yeah, I completely took it out of my ass. I had this thing with me the entire time. I’m, like, a complete junkie. Oh yes, I—“

“Yes, shut it.” Lyra looked at the herbs. “Holy crap, if we sell this we can end up with fifteen thousand bits at least. And that’s not counting that red thing. What is it?”

Bon Bon shrugged. “No idea.”

“Red?” Turner talked this time. “Excuse me for not paying attention, but Octavia seducing that guard is awfully interesting. Anyway, correct me if I’m wrong: you say there’s a red drug in there?”

“No. No, we didn’t say so. In fact, I didn’t mention it like three thousand times, Turner. Gosh, you’re incredibly smart, did you know that?”

“Go fuck a nail, Bon,” Turner said. “Lyra, is there anything red? It’s kinda important.”

“Yeah. Red leaves, purple dots. You know what it is?”

“Well...”

“I sure do,” said Vinyl, “and the best thing you could do is throw it away right now. It’s Red Fantasy, although some ponies call it FTS.”

“FTS?”

Fairies, Then Shit. It makes you feel magical and like flying, but then your magic dust goes out.” Vinyl sighed. “And then everything feels like shit, always. You need another bit to feel good, and after a little while, there’s nopony in there. Only fairies and, deep inside, a pool filled with crap.”

“Celestia,” said Derpy. “And Blueblood has that thing? No wonder he’s an imbecile.”

“What are you going to do with that material anyway?” Vinyl asked. “You don’t use anything in there, right?”

“Of course we do.” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “Didn’t you hear me? I love doing drugs. I’m going to smoke all this shit, including that incredibly dangerous red thing. Oh yes, I can barely wait, I really want to get as high as the freaking moon as soon as possible. That’s the entire reason why I told you this was a distraction, you see. Because I wanted to get stoned. That’ll be so incredibly useful I don’t see why I don’t have an entire sack of drugs with me all the time—oh, wait a minute, I do! Well that makes the situation even better!”

“We can use this to get the entire party stoned,” said Lyra. “Well, for once this piece of shit we know as Bon Bon has had a good idea. I light up this little beauty and we split. Bon Bon throws the biggest one at the garden, Derpy a little bit in the second floor and I do the same with the first one.”

“But, guys…” Derpy sounded doubtful. “I really want to rescue Carrot Top, but isn’t it a little extreme? I mean, I don’t want the ponies at the party to be throwing up fairies for years. That’s just evil.”

“Eh.” Bon Bon frowned. “Eeeeh. I guess so?”

“You can always light up everything but the FST,” said Vinyl. “The plan is really good.”

“There are a lot of red leaves. It would take forever...”

“Maybe you don’t need to do that,” Turner said. “The Red Fantasy is related to the Green Fantasy, but the way you take it is very different. You don’t smoke it, you’re supposed to sniff it. You need to cut the leaves, crush them and put some kind of light acid on the mix...”

“Acid?” Derpy said in something that was barely a whisper. “Ponies sniff something that has acid?”

“Go big or go home,” Lyra said.

“Using Vinyl’s beautiful metaphor, the acid helps the fairies go out easier.” Turner paused. “And then it causes ninety percent of the shit, if I’m correct. Anyway, the plant isn’t harmful per se; the way it’s taken makes it harmful.”

“So, there’s nothing bad if we burn this thing?” Derpy said. “We’re safe?”

“We should be,” answered Turner. “I’m not a hundred percent sure, but... Vinyl, have you ever seen a pony smoking this thing?”

“No.” Vinyl’s voice came sour. “And I’ve seen ponies sniffing it only once, in a party. I went home and stopped seeing those ponies immediately. That shit is no good, girls.”

“No way. Doing drugs is bad?” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “Way to blow my mind, Vinyl. What’s next? A lecture about safe sex? A speech about how bad it is to hit foals? A—?”

“So nopony smokes it?” Turner interrupted. “Vinyl?”

“Nah,” Vinyl said. “I mean, it’s what you said. You sniff it.”

“So, as I thought,” he said, clapping his hooves. “If you burn that thing, it will be destroyed, but no fairies.”

“Let’s burn it then,” Lyra muttered. “I mean, what’s the worst thing that can happen?”

“We can destroy the lives of a lot of ponies we don’t know.”

“Do I look like I care?”

“No.”

“Then let’s do this.”

“Wait.” Derpy interrupted the girls’ conversation. “I think we’re forgetting something here—Doc seducing that huge pony and this junkie prank are good things, but...”

“You’re forgetting your make-out session with Octavia,” muttered Turner. “Just saying.”

“Yes, yes, of course. So homosexuality and drugs aside, weren’t we here to rescue Carrot Top?”

Silence.

“Yo, DJ.” Lyra tapped her communicator. “Tell us where the hell is that stupid friend of ours.”

“Third floor.”

“Well then, the plan goes on.” Bon Bon emptied the bag of drugs and made three groups with its content. She put the biggest one back in the sack again. “We light this thing once Turner is distracting the guard; I get the bag and go outside. Derpy, you better come here now, because Lyra will have to start the fire before you throw it in the second floor and we don’t want you to fly high.” She paused. “Heh. Anyway, once they get what’s happening and start screaming, we get Carrot Top and get away as soon as possible.”

“You know,” Turner said, “the plan will only work because the smoke of those things is white. Once they notice what’s happening, the guards won’t bother us. And you’re already inside, so why am I dealing with that monster?”

“Mostly because it’s funny,” said Vinyl. “Also, Derpy and Octavia.”

“Oh, right. So we’re just acting like idiots for the sake of it.”

“Yeah.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I myself couldn’t have said it better.”

“Well then.” Turner sighed. “Octavia is laughing, and both she and the hetero guard seem to be having a good time. I guess they’re going to the forest soon and the gay one will be left alone.” His voice was trembling a little, Lyra noticed. “Time to behave like imbeciles.”

Author's Note:

People seem to like this story. Weird.

I love this chapter because for a second, Lyra shows she has emotions. But don't worry, it doesn't last longer than three seconds.

Also, Bon Bon is specifically designed to be as annoying as possible both for the readers and for the characters. I adore her.


Special thanks to Selbi, who joined the editors team with this chapter.