First Chapter: We Hit The Road, And It Was Awful
Four ponies were running down one of the longest streets of Canterlot, and one more pony was flying way ahead. Out of those five ponies, three were frowning, one had a tired face, and one was smirking in a way that made ice cubes chill.
Unknown to the eye, there was a hidden, black device in everypony’s right ear. That little device linked them to a sixth pony who was miles away, sitting in a chair that was not hers and looking to a giant computer that was not hers either.
That computer was one of the best in Equestria (if not the best), truly a marvel of science and magic mixed together. That computer was able to do things beyond imagination.
Sadly, the pony controlling that thing was an idiot, so the results were a little disappointing.
“Okay Turner, this thing doesn’t work!” Vinyl’s voice yelled through the little black communicator. “It’s just ones and zeroes and it’s green for some reason!”
Time Turner, the pony who had built that computer, face-hoofed (not an easy task when you’re running). “Vinyl, I honestly don’t understand what the hell are you doing. You’re describing the main code. How did you get to the main code?”
“I don’t know! I just pressed a button and then everything went crazy and now I’m looking at zeroes. I think that this thing is broken.”
Turner squinted his eyes, trying to imagine the picture. “...A butto—? You can’t get to the main code with just one button! Why is she the one staying at my home again?!” He raised his hooves to the sky in desperation (again, no easy feat while you’re running). “Girls, really, I still can turn back to the computer and everything will—”
“NO!” five voices yelled through the communicator at the same time. “You can’t touch that thing until you explain a couple things, mister!” continued Derpy’s voice. It was sweet like a mouthful of honey on a pile of sugar. A little diabetes-inducing for Turner’s tastes, sadly. “You have been doing bad things with them!”
“Oh, for crying out loud.” Turner looked at the mares that were running with him through the stupidly long Canterlot road. “Look, I know it looks bad, but I swear I didn’t do anything disturbing with that computer. It was just a joke!”
“Dude.” Lyra was so near him that he could hear her voice both through the communicator and through the air at the same time. Turner felt a shudder when she talked. Her voice was always too cold to handle. “You gotta admit, that thing you did was a little too much. Somepony could have ended up hurt; that kind of joke is far out of your league,” she laughed. “You should have done something simpler. Like taking Bon Bon’s pillow and rubbing it against your ass, or spitting in her plate when she’s not looking, or burning her curtains without her noticing...”
“Oh, yes, I never noticed.” Bon Bon looked at Lyra with what seemed a contemptuous face. “I’m as dumb as you are, so I had no idea that my one and only roommate was the one that had burned the curtains. I thought the sun itself had done it, just because.”
“Shut up, Bon.” Lyra rolled her eyes. “The thing is, Turner, that you were smart when you decided not to ‘prank’ me like that. You would have ended up badly.”
Turner shivered. He had once seen Lyra send five stallions twice as big as her to the hospital. She wasn’t as strong as Carrot Top, of course. Not like it mattered. “Hm,” he answered. Wow, he could be good at talking sometimes, he thought.
“But, you see,” she continued, “even if you said you didn’t do that to me, I don’t have any reason to believe you.”
“What?”
“I’m just saying,” Lyra said with that a smile that could freeze Celestia’s ass, “that you should be more careful with what you do.”
Turner gulped. “Um, so you are angry at me?”
“Angry? Nah.” Lyra shook her head. Then her horn gleamed, and Turner felt something pressing against his eye, which he closed immediately. “You would be one-eyed by now if I was angry,” she said after Turner had let out a whimper.
“Lyra!” Derpy’s voice came from the communicator again. “What are you doing?!”
“Threatening Turner.”
“Don’t do that!”
“It amuses me.”
“Still, don’t do that!”
“Why?”
“Because it’s not polite!”
Lyra rolled her eyes. “See if I care.” Then she smiled again. “Watch your back, Turner.”
Turner licked his lips. “Um, technically that also was a threat.”
“Yes, go and say those kind of things to the crazy one,” muttered Bon Bon. “I’m sure that will totally help.”
“Bon, shut up.” Vinyl sounded pissed off. “Anyway, dude, that thing with our food was sickening. You should be ashamed.”
“I’m sure,” Octavia said, with that smooth and soft voice that made you think that every word was an invitation to her bed, “that we could take you to the police for what you’ve done. We’re five poor defenseless mares that have been suffering the schemes of a peeping tom. I’m sure they would be with us.” She smiled. “You wouldn’t stand a chance.”
“Okay, first thing.” Time Turner could feel the blood getting to his face, and being flustered and pissed off at the same time couldn’t be healthy. “We have more important issues ahead, right? My ability to put tracking devices in your dinner, however interesting, is not what should be bothering you.”
“Turner, it’s creepy.”
“It’s scientific,” replied him. “And second thing: no jury would believe you are a bunch of defenseless mares.”
They stared at him.
“No, really. I mean it.” He frowned. “Well, maybe Derpy...”
“Should I take that as a compliment?” she asked through the communicator. “I don’t know if that was a compliment.”
“What I don’t understand is how you had the nerve to put that thing in Carrot Top,” commented Vinyl. “I’m sure she will break your legs, at least.”
“Oh, yes.” Bon Bon snorted. “Of course, she will know what a tracking device is. Our Carrot is too intelligent to allow such a thing. I mean, she’s an expert on tracking devices and technology in general. Hell, scratch that; she’s an expert on everything science-related. She’s a doctor in science. It’s written all over her name. In fact, if you rearrange the letters of the name ‘Carrot Top’, you’ll get ‘science doctor’, as long as you’re both dyslexic and blindingly stupid.”
“Shut up,” Lyra snapped again.
Time Turner looked at the sky and shook his head. “Okay, I’m sorry. I’ve already told you so! Anyway—”
“Yes, we need to focus on Carrot Top’s rescue,” Derpy’s voice returned through the communicator. She was flying way ahead of them. “You just need to know that you and I are going to talk about this, and I won’t go easy on you, Doc!”
Turner could do nothing but roll his eyes.
Vinyl Scratch was fighting against a computer, and the computer was winning. She couldn’t believe a machine could be so incredibly wicked: everything was shining buttons and wires, things you could spin but shouldn’t and lots and lots of screens. Really, that thing was not of this world, she thought.
Vinyl was sure the only pony weird enough to understand what the hell was happening in that thing was Time Turner, but there was no way they were going to let him touch it until he had given some explanations. Having a geeky genius as a friend was cool; discovering that the geeky genius had put some cameras in your house was creepy.
Being a DJ and thus used to technology, she had been the most logical option to help the gang with the computer. Sadly, she was used to DJ tables, not freaky wicked computers. Every single screen was showing the same thing: a line of zeroes and ones running down in a weird way. And everything was green for some reason.
“Okay, so Turner’s an asshole,” Vinyl said through the communicator. “That’s something we already knew. But what in the everlasting hell do I do with this thing? It’s starting to creep me out.” She sighed. “Why do we need this anyway?”
“It controls the communicators and allows us to actually locate Carrot Top,” came Turner’s voice. “The communicators work fine because I programmed them before leaving, but the pro-”
“Yeah, yeah, magic, who cares.” Vinyl waved a hoof contemptuously. Something completely useless, she realized, because their friends couldn’t see her. But the thought of it is what mattered. “Still, we know where Carrot is. At Blueblood’s place. That’s, you know, the entire reason why we’re in a hurry.”
“We know that she is there,” said Octavia, “but we don’t know exactly where she is, remember?”
“The tracking devices have an error margin of less than a meter, so we need them if we want to save Carrot’s life,” Turner said. “They are vital for this mission...”
“Cut the drama.” Vinyl snorted. “She’s not gonna die. She’s only gonna be in trouble because of beating a guy.”
“Well, excuse me for adding a little extra excitement to the mission. You’re no fun.”
“I’m completely sure that your argument is helping us a lot.” Bon Bon’s voice came through the communicator. “It’s like—”
“For Celestia’s sake, Bon Bon, you’re annoying,” said Vinyl. “Shut up. Nopony wants to listen to you anyway.”
“Oh, no. That’s, like, horrible,” said Bon Bon in a flat tone. “How can I live with that knowledge in my mind? Vinyl, I am so sorry I bothered you. I swear my intentions were completely kind; it’s not like I don’t give a damn about your opinion because you’re—”
“No, really, we mean it,” interrupted Lyra. “Shut up. You shouldn’t be allowed to talk.”
“Okay,” Vinyl muttered, “I’m listening then. Turner, you useless piece of crap, I’m waiting for your orders.”
“Throw those stupid glasses away and become a nun. That would be good for you.”
“Har, har, har. Explain what I’m supposed to do, and do it now.”
“Stop being so mean to each other!” said Derpy.
“Pfft.” Turner coughed. “Vinyl, you have somehow got to the main code, so you shouldn’t touch anything because you could... well, you could mess up the entire computer.”
“You know, I’m being tempted right now.” Vinyl smirked, even though she knew that Turner couldn’t see her. “I could really screw you over, right?”
“Vinyl, no.”
“Oh, yes, be as stupid as possible, that’ll help. I mean, it’s not like this stupid conversation is already twice the normal length for something as stupid as telling somepony how to use a computer. Go on, you’re totally an interesting thing to hear right now, I would love to keep listening to your mindless, stupid chattering. Hey, I have an idea, why don’t you put some music as a background? I’m sure screaming cats would be the top of the—”
“No, really, Bon Bon, stop talking. This is the reason why everypony hates you.”
Turner sighed. “Look, Vinyl, what you need to do is go back to the main screen, and then you can select the cam-”
“Turner, I couldn’t understand a single thing of that main screen of yours. Can’t I, I don’t know...?” Vinyl looked at the thousands of little buttons the computer had. “...just press a button or clap my hooves and then everything runs perfectly?”
“No, I’m afraid you’ll have to use commands to...”
“Aw come on!” Vinyl kicked the computer. It hurt. “What a piece of trash!”
“What?!” Turner’s voice seemed offended. “Vinyl, you should treat that wonderful machine with some respect! It’s the finest one I’ve ever built!”
“Dude, it’s not able to do anything. It just shows zeroes and ones and it’s creeping me out.” Vinyl scorned at the thing. “I think it’s possessed.”
“Look, that computer is like the God of Computers. Other machines can remember your name; this one can give you a blowjob if you know how to ask,” said Turner. “The only useless one there is you!”
“Well, this thing is clearly fucking with me, if that counts for you!”
“Oh my, that was a very good joke, Vinyl,” said Bon Bon. The moment she spoke, a clear ‘oh my fucking hell no’ was heard through the communicator, but she kept on talking. “Like, I am totally laughing my ass off,” she said. “That was incredibly clever and not stupid. You truly are a genius of humor. And by the way, I also love the fact that you’re still talking nonsense and saying nothing about the main conversation. You see, if anypony else was doing this I would be completely pissed off, but I am in fact starting to like your little talks. Things like those are what make this life wonderful. It’s not like I think you’re idiots and you’re giving me a headache with your stupid crap. Oh, no, not at all. In fact, why are you stopping right now? Go on, it’s not like you need to stop when I’m talking, you’re clearly not smart enough to realize that—”
“Damnit, Bon Bon, we should have left you out of this.”
“And that would have been a bad thing for me. Like, it would have been horrible, it’s not like I would have loved it. At all. Oh no, this is one of my favourite activities, spending the night running through this stupidly long road to rescue our incredibly intelligent friend.”
“Okay, yeah, I’m ignoring her,” muttered Turner. “Look, Vinyl, I know what we’re going to do.” He sighed. “You see a giant red button right in front of you?”
Vinyl looked. The thing was impossible to miss: it was as big as an apple. “Yeah,” she said. “It’s gleaming with a green light. Everything is gleaming with a green light.”
“Well, don’t press it. Press the little green one that’s by its side.”
Vinyl didn’t have a lot of options, so she did what Turner was saying. Immediately, the screens turned black. “Uh-oh.”
“What?”
“It’s stopped. Completely black.”
“And the situation just got better,” muttered Tavi. Vinyl frowned at this, but said nothing.
“That’s what it’s supposed to do,” said Turner. “Look, you’re gonna activate the Secondary Mode. Everything should be easier if we do that.”
“If you say so.”
“Okay, now look for the keyboard and type your name.”
“My name?”
“Your name,” reassured Turner. “The computer has a database with your, eh, data. I programmed it so it would change its main core and desktop so it would fit the user.”
“Is that even possible?” Derpy was the one talking this time. “I mean, Doc, I didn’t know you could do this kind of things with a computer. It almost sounds like magic.”
“Well, maybe because it is magic? Written Script helped me with it.”
“And may I ask why didn’t you do this in the first place?” asked Octavia. “It seems like it would have saved us a lot of time.”
“I thought getting to the main code was impossible for Vinyl,” he answered. “Too complicated.”
“Oh.” Octavia giggled. And what a giggle. It took skill to giggle erotically, but she managed somehow. “Well, turns out it wasn’t.”
“Okay, so,” Vinyl said, “I’ve typed my name. Now what?”
“Hit Enter.”
Vinyl did so. And then the machine started running again.
For a couple seconds, the screens showed just zeroes and ones again. Vinyl was about to yell at Turner again for it, but then everything changed: the numbers disappeared and everything turned white. A single line of letters appeared in the center of the bigger screen.
IDIOCY MODE ACTIVATED
Bon Bon heard Vinyl’s screams through the communicator, and she rolled her eyes so hard it hurt. She seemed willing to show the world that she needed no technology to make herself heard from such a distance. It sure was a pleasure to her ears. Bon Bon wondered again why the hell she hanged out with such a gang of idiots.
But anyway she listened to what they were saying because she had absolutely nothing better to do. Oh Celestia, she hated her life so much.
“Turner, if you think this is funny I swear I will find you and kill you!"
“Vinyl, my dear, you’re deafening me.”
“YOU'RE THE MOST HORRIBLE PONY I'VE EVER MET!”
"I love the fact that now you’re wasting time by insulting Turner again," Bon Bon said, "but this time you’re also yelling, which makes it even better. You see, for a moment I was very worried: I thought you were going to actually start getting down to business. But nope! You were just preparing yourself for this legendary return to idiocy. I am so relieved and pleased for this.”
“Yeah, whatever.” Lyra looked at her with a raised eyebrow, and Bon Bon could feel her mouth closing by itself. Well that had been annoying. Stupid Lyra. She was worse than all the others together.
“Anyway,” Lyra said, “what have you done this time, Turner?”
Bon Bon chuckled. Everypony ignored her. She wasn’t sure if they were being rude again or just hadn’t got the joke.
Turner smiled at Lyra. “Oh, it was nothing. I just made a little joke.”
“YOU’RE AN ASS!”
“A pony, technically.”
“Vinyl, please, tell me you have access to the tracking device and we don’t need to hear the rest of this conversation,” said Octavia before Bon Bon could say a word. “Please. I don’t think I’m able to stand this for another fifteen minutes”
“Yeah, I think I got it.”
Bon Bon looked at the sky. “I thank the heavens for this. But don’t worry, I’m sure you will find another way to be annoying, Vinyl. It’s like your other special talent. That’s the reason why we all love you so much.”
“Bon Bon, I don’t know if you’re being sarcastic here or if you’re just such a hypocrite. But anyway, shut the hell up,” Lyra said.
Bon Bon said nothing.
Derpy was way ahead, trying to locate the house they were looking for. She had seen it a couple times before that day, but as always, the moment she needed something was the moment that something was harder to find. She hated that.
Blueblood’s house was tall, white, with a huge garden and with golden statues in the roof. That description would have been more helpful if the entire east side of Canterlot hadn’t been tall, white, with huge gardens and with golden statues. Canterlot was such a weird city. Derpy hated it.
At least she wasn’t running. Running was always more tiresome than flying. “Aaaw, I can’t see where that big house is,” she said, trying to change the subject and act as a peacemaker, again. She had to, if she wanted to maintain that innocent façade. The things a mare could do for a stallion, she thought, rolling her eyes. “Octavia, would you mind reminding me how does it look?”
“Look for a round ceiling, darling,” came the earth pony’s answer. “It’s the most horrible ceiling you will have seen in your life, I promise.”
“How do you even know that house?” asked Lyra. “Have you been there before?”
“I played at Blueblood’s latest birthday,” answered Octavia. “It was so incredibly interesting that I spent half the night looking at the ceiling. It’s made of glass, Derpy. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that before.”
“Aha!” she said. “I think I’ve seen it! Does it have a— uh.” Derpy paused, not knowing exactly what to say. “Does it have a, um.” She forced herself to stop and mutter a little at this. “A... dolphin trying to... c-copulate... with a pony?”
“I think it was a shark, but yes, that’s the one.”
“What? Really? Dude, the old sculptors sure were weird.” Lyra snorted. “Do you mean the guy is actually...?”
“It’s a girl, not a guy. The dolphin is, um, mounting her,” answered Derpy. She narrowed her eyes and approached the house. “Well, at least it’s trying. I doubt it’s achieving anything. You need to turn left now.”
“How is the dolphin even out of the water?” asked Vinyl.
“That statue has to be based on the ancient myth of Pholotoideous,” said Turner suddenly. “I mean, a dolphin and a mare? It has to be it.”
Bon Bon was the next one talking. “And of course now you’re going to talk about why do you know that incredibly useful piece of trivia. Come on, we know you want to say it. We’re dying to know—”
“Yeah, so dolphin pornography,” Lyra interrupted Bon Bon. “Turner, you’re horrible.”
“Don’t say such meany things! You should be polite with each other!” Derpy said. “Doc, why did you know the name of the statue?”
“Because ancient mythology is fascinating, of course.” Turner adopted that tone he liked so much, as if he was giving them a lecture. Derpy felt her frown turn into a smile. “Pholotoideous, the ancient god of luxury, was known for its lust and sexual desire. It once turned into a goose and fucked an entire village.”
“Wait, what?” Derpy stopped in the middle of the sky. “What do you mean by that? Also, please, mind your language! Gentlecolts don’t talk like that!”
“Uh, sorry. So, it turned into a goose and then fucked an entire small town,” repeated Turner.
Silence.
“So you mean he, like, paired with every mare while being a goose?” Lyra asked. “But... I mean, what?”
“You said ‘village’,” said Octavia. “As in... Everypony or...?”
“Every single line of dialogue you have said in the entire night has been crazily interesting, but this shit is just the top of the cake,” Bon Bon muttered.
“Every stallion and mare received the goose’s might fuckery, according to the legend,” explained Turner. “Of course, those were other times. Better times. Sex wasn’t a taboo, more like a celebration of fertility. Being ass-humped by a god-goose was like winning the lottery. Same with the dolphin option, I guess.”
“I don’t know,” answered Derpy. She frowned and approached the statue a little. “Either the mare being pholotomonted is not enjoying it at all or she is enjoying it a little too much.”
“Yuck.”
“Okay so he turned into a duck and then screwed every living being in a town.” Vinyl snorted. “The ancient ones sure knew how to have a good time.”
“Well, it’s a shame Blueblood chose the dolphin-themed statue,” said Octavia. “I’m sure that with a carving of a goose furiously copulating with every pony in sight would have kept my interest for at least an hour or so.”
“Wow, a whole hour watching a goose rut ponies?” Vinyl whistled. “At least sounds like an original way to spend your time.”
“Still better than another night playing for Blueblood.”
“Did he bother you?”
“Yeah, he wanted to get in my bed, I think,” answered Octavia. “No wonder why, of course. I’m the hottest cello player in Canterlot.”
“There are three pro cellists in the city,” said Lyra. “You and two grandpas.”
“I’m still the hottest.”
“Well, that’s what you say,” Vinyl said. “Octogenarians can be sexy.”
“Guys, turn right now. You should be able to see the house.”
“Oh, yes!” Turner talked this time. “Derpy, you’re a wonderful guide. I can even see Pholotodolphin trying to shred that mare in pieces with his godly and custard-flavored fishstick.”
“Custard-flavored?” asked Bon Bon.
“The ancient mythos were surprisingly detailed sometimes.”
“Still better than a goose doing the knock-knock with three hundred stallions.”
“That’s your opinion.”
The hottest cellist in Canterlot didn’t like to run. She was very good at running, of course. She had spent her entire childhood running and playing in the woods—that’s why she was so hot on the first place. But she didn’t like to run at all. Running wasn’t hot. She had discovered that once she had moved to Canterlot, and it was the first lesson every hot mare had to learn. Walking was hot. Dancing was hot. Playing the cello was hot. Running? No so much. You couldn’t even wiggle your tail properly while doing so.
What was the point of being hot if she couldn’t look hot? Hotness was serious business. It was incredibly difficult to find reasons for Octavia Philharmonica to run, but finding that her best friend was going to a high-society party to beat her cheating boyfriend senseless was one of them. It didn’t help that Carrot Top didn’t seem to realize how much trouble she could get into for her inappropriate actions.
They stopped talking once they could hear the sounds coming from Blueblood’s party. Octavia didn’t know what the others were doing, but she was both listening as hard as she could (trying to locate a mare screaming, or maybe a stallion) and feeling something was odd. She stayed like that for a whole minute, approaching that huge house and thinking. What was it? What...?
And then it hit her. Vinyl and Turner had been quiet for more than thirty seconds.
“Guys, is there something wrong?” she asked. “Vinyl?”
The DJ didn’t answer through the communicator, but at least Turner finally talked. “Okay,” he said. “Now we’re close to Blueblood’s. So...”
Silence.
“Did somepony think of a plan before we started running?” He frowned while looking at the house. “I mean, Carrot is in there. We need to take her out before she loses her mind again. But how?”
“You’re the one who’s supposed to come up with a plan,” said Derpy. Octavia could see her, flying high above the huge mansion. Outside Blueblood’s house she could also see ponies wearing expensive clothes drinking, dancing and just doing the usual boring-party stuff you were expected to do in a garden. However, the main celebration seemed to be inside the building. “It’s what you always do.”
“And they always end up going perfectly, right?” Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “We know where she is because of the totally-not-creepy tracking device Turner put in her. So we get in there, take that imbecile and go away. That’s it, that’s the stupid plan. Now let’s do this, I want to go home as soon as possible.”
Turner bit his lip. “For once, you kinda have a point,” he muttered. “But, we’re trying to break into Princess Celestia’s nephew’s house. At his birthday.” He stopped and looked at the house. They weren’t exactly in front of it; the mansion was at their right. They had to continue walking down the road for a couple minutes before turning to the right and then descending to the stairs that lead to the main door. “So I guess it has a lot of security. And we only have one pegasus and one unicorn. We didn’t really think this through.
“Mostly,” answered Octavia. “Although I don’t think we should be so worried.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been here before. I know how to deal with the guards in this place.” Octavia shrugged. “Trust me: if we just walk in there like if we knew everypony, there will be no problem. It’s not like we need to show an invitation.”
“Octavia, we totally need to.”
“Lyra, we totally don’t need to.” Octavia winked at her and approached Turner, grabbing his leg. “Look, this is the plan: Turner and I go to the main door and infiltrate the building. Turner, from now on you’re my partner in crime.”
“Woah. I got lucky.” Turner smirked. “I take the hot one.”
“Control yourself down there and you may get even luckier tonight.”
“I’m not sure if that’s an innuendo, but I’m totally in.”
Derpy muttered something over the communicator, but it was barely a whisper. Octavia couldn’t hear the exact words, but it sounded like ‘gonna kill you’.
“So,” Octavia said, ignoring Turner and Derpy, “Lyra and Bon, you split up and try to get in from a window or something. Derpy, you do the same but from the air.”
Derpy muttered something that more or less sounded like ‘yes, but still gonna kill you’.
“Wait.” Lyra took a step towards Octavia. Her pupils were smaller than usual, and she had a little frown in her face. “Why are you going through the door while we do the dirty stuff?”
“Aw, I wanted to be the one doing dirty things.” Turner made a pout. “Tavi, we can always get a room. You girls are invited too, I’m not picky.”
“In your dreams, Doc.”
“Every night, don’t you doubt it.”
There was more Derpy muttering, this time questioning the moral of Turner’s mother.
“No, really.” Lyra raised an eyebrow at Octavia. “I’m asking. Why are you the ones going through the door?”
Octavia licked her lips. “Two reasons. First one: even being such a nasty companion, Turner looks like a gentlecolt if he keeps his mouth shut, and I’m both elegant and incredibly hot.”
“You forget ‘humble’.”
“And modest.”
“That’s a given.” Octavia waved a hoof. “So, we both can go in there without looking suspicious. There are only two guards, and me and Turner will distract them. You get into the party and try to get out with Carrot, and if you’re lucky we’ll do that before she has killed her ex-coltfriend. So, technically, we are the ones making the dirty thing here. No innuendos, Turner.”
“Aw.” He made a pout. “You’re no fun.”
“And second point: we will talk to the guards,” Octavia continued. “I’m pretty sure there will only be two of them, but I can be wrong. Maybe this time Blueblood will have a higher security, so you may end up crashing into a guard. And, well. You can take care of that.”
After a few moments of silence, Lyra smirked. “Oh yes, I like that. Bon, you come with me.”
“Freaking great,” muttered Bon Bon. “It’s like it’s my birthday again. What’s next? A piano falls in my head?”
“We have a plan then. Let’s split up,” Octavia said, and started to run down the road again. Turner followed her. “Try not to screw up!” she yelled at Lyra and Bon Bon, who were left behind.
Turner answered, but Octavia didn’t pay any attention. Her thoughts were in another place. What in the world was happening to Vinyl?
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3792654
Weeppery wep. You deleted your comment.
From now on, I'm using this line to describe every piece of lab equipment I'm working with...
For some reason, I've seen that coming... I just know Vinyl too well
I deleted my own comments as I accidentally posted some spoilers like a tool.
This is good continue making more.
I'm sold just on the description!
EDIT: Haven't laughed that hard in a while! This is freaking awesome!
Ok, I'm sold.
I still have that feeling that we are dealing with a Whovian here.
Great chapter!!
This sounds awesome! I cannot wait for the next chapter.
now this is pretty awesome
would you kindly provide us with more of this great material soon?
This is the best thing I've read in a really long time. I love how they are actually all complete sociopaths. I also love how Derpy isn't actually innocent, just incredibly manipulative. DENOUTTADEN.
Link to the cover image?
Wow, these ponies are so hilariously terrible.
I want to read more about them.
The sex jokes... I mean, they were SO INCREDIBLY AWESTRUCKINGLY BREATHTAKINGLY MARVELLOUS!!
Well, not exactly the same time. There would be a delay through the communicator. He would here her through the air then through the communicator about a second later. Like talking to someone on the telephone when they are in the same room as you.
One too many quotation marks.
And that is how sea ponies were made.
It seems that you could not decide whether to make Time Turner number ten or number eleven, so you split the difference.
This story is different from the stuff i usually read. Which is, by no means, a bad thing. I really enjoyed reading it. I laughed all the way through. I look forward to reading more. As Winston Churchill said, "KBO."
Wow. These ponies. They're so evil, but so awesome...
m.memegen.com/brbkih.jpg
You are featured! fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/363/4/3/clapping_pony_icon___lyra_heartstrings_by_travispony-d5pl0kc.gif fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/363/0/9/clapping_pony_icon___sweetie_drops_bonbon_by_travispony-d5pll1i.gif fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/363/d/4/clapping_derpy_hooves_icon_by_shroomehtehponeh-d5pm8c9.gif fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/366/d/5/clapping_pony_icon___vinyl_scratch_by_taritoons-d5pw0yp.gif fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/364/d/1/clapping_pony_icon___time_turner_by_travispony-d5pob3v.gif
3793924 Tavi's too hot to clap?
I love this story, but can you indicate more often who is talking? It's a little confusing for me.
3794026 Apparently, there is no clapping Tavi in the clap emoticons. I suppose I could have put this in. dl.dropbox.com/u/21167245/FiMFiction/Emoticons/misc_Octy_something.png Or maybe this. dl.dropbox.com/u/21167245/FiMFiction/Emoticons/misc_Octy_plot.png
Bon Bon seems to be incredibly sincere and not sarcastic at all. Lol
Mmm, that's some good banter.
That damn goose...!
What is this? I don't even... That Duck... The Duck exploded my brain.
WANT MORE. This is hilarious. Liked and Faved.
This is just way awesome! Please, i beg you, like my life deppends on it, Do. Not. Stop. Finish this awesomeness sent by the gods
Up + Fav
Okay, I like this. It's wacky.
She ain't wrong...
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His name is Time Turner, and he's a doctor. Derpy uses the title because she's the only one who respects him, if only just a little.
It's not as much a reference as it is me playing with the fact that 90% of the fics with Whooves on them use him as the Doctor. Here, he's a normal pony -- a scientist, but that's all. I'm a whovian, yeah, but this is not tagged as [crossover], is it?
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Thanks! New chapter later today, or tomorrow morning. The whole fic is completed, so I can post whenever I want anyway.
Okay, what the duck is going on here? Seriously! What the hell is this and why am I finding it to be the most entertaining thing I have read in months?
This is ridiculous! And awesome! And other words of praise! And oh my gosh Bon Bon, shut up!
This is one of the funniest stories I've read on this site and I can't wait for more.
You sir, have just taken the top number two spot on my list of "Most Surprising Things to Happen to Me Today."
And in case your wondering, this beat you in the number one spot and it left me completely speechless: The Truth Is...
But yeah, this story is pretty funny, so I will have to give this a thumbs up and a fave.
Good so far, and I look forward to future updates. Also, Bon Bon, shut the hell up!
~ Super-Brony12
You know what is disturbing.
That fact that we probably wouldn't be shocked if that goose appeared in our mythology. Most of our mythology is exactly like that.
this story has caught my attention. nicely done.
3797065
Summary of Greek Mythology:
Zeus: I'm gonna put my dick in it.
Everyone: Don't put your dick in it.
Zeus: TOO LATE
Pffttt...
The sarcasm is strong in THIS one...
...Go on.
~Skeeter The Lurker
As this story is being told, I can see the group chugging a pint of hard Cider every so often. How else would they decide to include the lengthy discussion about the shape-shifting sex god? I can see them all downing a pint at that point like it was Booze O'clock.
Is Bon-Bon being sarcastic, or does she mean anything behind what she is saying??
Lol! I don't know if I have laughed at anything this hilarious! 
And the way Octovia took charge of the whole 'stupid plan' thing, made me wonder if she has a brain after all...lol..just joking, but yea, usually she thinks of Vinyl as being annoying, but I see the most annoying one in this chapter is Bon-Bon, who definitely needs to keep her opinions to herself...agreed? 
Anyways, loved it! ^_^ xD
3793199
Oh really.
what clued you in.
custard flavoured fishsticks, perhaps?
This is going really great.
Well this plan is "Totally" going to work and nothing bad will happen...
Loved this chapter "Story liked"
I LOVE THIS
Like totally, more than Pholotoid-whateverDolphin and Duck sex.
3797065
It involved Zeuse no doubt. He was also involved in the creation of Centars.
I have a feeling that this story is going to be centered around the jokes more then the characters and an actual story line.
But what fine jokes they are!
I also just started skipping Bon Bon's parts after the first two paragraphs.
Sarcastic ponies and jokes on the expense of others? Unique crew trying to save her friend?
Count me in on this one. I just read the first chapters and I loved every single bit of it.
Geez did sombody spy on my friends and I, because this is how everything happens in our friend group. On person goes off and does something incredibly stupid, while the rest of us bicker and bitch our way there to bail them out. Even the characters match up with everybody...
You weren't kidding when you said they were sociopaths in the description, good lord!
4038338 I thought it may have been an exaggeration... No, literal (by definition) sociopaths.
That was the most fucking hilarious myth ever. A goose fucking every living being in a village
Green ones and zeroes. I don't even see the ones and zeroes anymore. I just see blond, brunette, red head...
Seriously though, this might be the greatest thing to exist. Ever. Of all time.