And Yet...

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And Yet...

Amidst the savagery of war, two old warlords find the time to have a chat before the final confrontation.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 5 )

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Silver Melodies

Silver Melodies #1 · Jan 15th, 2014 · · ·

Hmm... a good story, for sure.

Electrician

Electrician #2 · Jan 15th, 2014 · · ·

Beautifully written, excellent job! A very interesting take on the prompt for sure. Found no grammar mistakes, good spacing, great imagery.

+1 like
+1 fav
+1 follower

Thank you for sharing this.

Eater-of-Worlds Smooze

Eater-of-Worlds Smooze #3 · Jan 15th, 2014 · · ·

I liked this story. I liked its flow, its characterization, and its imagery, though I felt some more imagery could be helpful to set the tone. This story actually made me feel something for its characters, which is pretty rare for me.

However, I noticed a few subtle issues with your story.

He barely flinched as the wall directly in front of him exploded outwards, scattering rubble and detritus all around him. In response, he simply took two steps backwards, deliberately positioning himself between the figure emerging from the smoke and the doors to his back.

While most readers know that the "in response" refers to the wall exploding outward, it could also refer to him barely flinching back and is therefore still counts as a vague reference. Just to nitpick.

For a reply, Meteor pulled on the flag resting over his back, and spread his wing.

I've never seen "for" used here. Perhaps you could use "In lieu of," "Instead of," or "As." But I might be wrong.

There are some parts that seemed like they required a bit more description to slow down the pacing. For example, when Meteor spread his wing, there wasn't any description that made it clear that he had exactly one wing until he started talking about it. I imagine you wanted it to be a surprise, but if so then a bit more drama should be present for it.

Great story, wonderfully written. Liked and favourited.

Jioplip

Jioplip #4 · Jan 15th, 2014 · · ·

That was a very pleasant story, thank you for writing it, thank you for bringing it to my attention, I have but one major qualm:

spread his wing.

Perhaps something along the lines of 'spread his one remaining wing' would get the image across better, as I was momentarily lost for what was significant about him spreading a wing, which brought me out of the story.

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