Schorl Tourmaline
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Schorl Tourmaline · 61k words · 210 85 · 6k views
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First fan fiction and I'm willing to listen to any constructive criticism. Will also try to add new chapters at a regular pace.
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.................... how the hell would the enslave the mane six when they are under the protection of the fucking demigoddesses of equistria?
and no, don't you dare say there would be nothing they can do. they have centuries of magical knowledge, incredible magical power, and so happen to run a diarchy that while seems they prefer to act as a more balanced governing, they are still the god damn rulers of equistria and have a lot of resources.
not to mention that the alicorns wouldn't give two shits and a bit about financial gain. they can find anyone that has been bribed, arrest them for treason, and force them to give the acutal information.
3787717
Well I am not going to argue and say that Celestia and Luna are not a problem. What I will say is that they are only an issue if they find out and Celestia and Luna have show that they might be powerful, but they really don't seem to know what is going on in their kingdom. I mean if Cadence can be kidnapped and replaced from right under their noses then what is to stop a organized group that is located miles away. If you want to know how such a thing can come about then continue reading, that is if you are truly interested and are not just putting the story down based on the premise.
Silver Tail is a little 'deer'?
That's the first deer I've seen in a FiM story.
Where did they get the deer from, and manage to tame it?
3787717 Unfortunately for the author, I agree. If the storyline made a bit more sense as a whole, I might thumbs up and fav this.
Not for the clop, just because it's a bit different from other fics.
Change the description, or give a valid point against lordofmyth's argument.
3787853
Sorry, I meant it in terms of "sweet heart" or "Nice" But now that I think of it that might be dear and not Deer. Then again in the future it might be a nice idea to add deer characters. thanks for the idea.
3787879 Lol, BTW: It is d e a r for the context you are using it in.
3787829 ........ problem there is that it was obviously planned out. Chrysalis new she could never imitate Cadance enough to fool Celestia under normal circumstances. so she struck when any deviation in cadance's habits could be determined as nerves or stress; during the wedding. not to mention we are talking about chrysalis taking her place over cadance being gone without a trace, as would happen if the mane six were abducted.
here we are talking about normal ponies, not changelings or monsters, somehow avoiding the detection of a millenium year old monarch and her sister, whom has the aiblity to enter the dreamscape. and best part, not very many ponies are AWARE of her power.
basically one who has been in the game of politics and dealing with corrupt bastards for a thousand years, and one who can go into the dreams of the missing mane six, ask questions, get names, faces, hopefully addresses, and comfort them till they are rescued. not to mention torture the ones involved with nightmares.
3787891
Thanks. I will do a quick edit on that. Also since you ask for it in a reply I want to let you know I have given a counter argument to lordofmyth in the comments and hope it is to your liking.
3787868 or at least if that does happen, make it clear that these characters have basically fucked themselves over by overstepping a boundary and the metaphorical reaper is a coming.
3787922
Well I am open to suggestions since this is my first real try. If you think I should rephrase my summary then please give me an idea of what it should say. If you mean the story in general then you will have to wait and see if I come up with a reasonable excuse of how they will be captured.
You know, I thought the 'deer' comment was a cute play on words.
3787956 i never said they could not be captured. i am just saying it is not gonna end well for those responsible. will admit it may take some time at least, but eventually celestia is gonna catch up and destroy this little club of theirs.
can easily imagine celestia suddenly just appearing during an attempted 'session', giving them a pleasant smile contrasted with an icy glare......
also why anthro?
3787910
Well in a way I guess you are right. Luna does have the ability to enter dream space and that could be used to locate them, that is deeming that Luna can simply enter anyone's dreams from any location. I hate to have the argument of "We do not know the full extent/limit of her powers" but I kinda assume that luna's ability has range or that she has to know the location of the pony in question to enter a dream. Another cop out answer would be to say that this is fanfiction and it does state "Alternate Universe" in it's tag, but I dislike that answer as much as you might.
3787992
It may come to pass that eventually Celestia kicks down their doors and shows the wrath of god to all the members, but that is to be seen (I have plans on events but not a clear cut ending yet, for good or for bad)
The choice of anthro came down to a few simple matters of what I felt would assist more with the ideas I came up with and also that I am more familiar with BDSM in comparison to a humanoid figure then I am to that of a horse. Also I generally like breasts and tend to like them near the chest region. Blame me for personal preference on this one, though the story did begin as pure pony till I just felt it was not working for me.
3787998
I wouldn't give too much about people screaming about Luna's and Celestia's supposed power. That's often used like a club, when canon suggests that they're not all that powerful on their own. Demigoddes (which is fanon) or no, I'm not at all convinced that they're invincible.
Right I've got a few problems with this:
first off is targeting the Mane 6, again. Not only is it horribly unoriginal, it makes zero sense. Others have talked about how the Mane 6 would be protected by Celestia and Luna. Not only is that true, but the Mane 6 have personal power. That is to say, that they can and will take on small armies and monsters all on their own. Rainbow Dash can literally fly through trees, Applejack is incredibly strong, Twilight can teleport, brainwash opponents, lift up entire dams, and more, Fluttershy is protected by an army of critters, many of which are carnivores or just flat out scary. The only one who is realistically taken captive is Rarity, and last time that happened she tortured her opponents psychologically until they paid her to leave.
And if one of them were somehow taken captive? Well their disappearance would be noticed very quickly as they are all VIPs in Ponyville and since they are personal friends of the Princess you would expect Equestria wide searches by the Royal Guard. It'd be all the difficulty of kidnapping the President's Daughter, if she had all the skills of James Bond. Not to mention they could almost certainly enlist Discord's help.
As for Chrysalis, she didn't just kidnap Candence, but replaced her. And at the perfect time where any aberrant behavior would be put down to stress of the wedding. It also helped that she had her army act as a distraction to keep Celestia and Luna and the majority of the guards focused on the outside, rather then Chrysalis herself.
Second is the targets of this club. They target other rich ponies and celebrities? So instead of going after ponies no one would miss, they target ponies who will be missed, and if they manage to escape have the connections and power to counter the club's own connections and power. That means they will be investigated constantly, and by groups with the resources and power to make sure the investigation continues. Not to mention they'd have to somehow avoid the paparazzi who provide a deluge of information about the target taken.
So basically you preemptively shatter any suspension of disbelief. If this was a one shot it would be passable, but it isn't so I'm not going to tolerate it.
My advice? Stick to OCs and background characters for targets. And keep a tight focus on your characters. Don't have the 'taming' process occur in one or two chapters. Think more like 5-10. You don't need an ensemble cast of the most beloved characters, it's clop and the focus is mostly on the action anyways. 1-3 targets is plenty. You can even push that to 4-5. Going any higher and you risk giving the impression that you can spank a pony once and they'll instantly become your slave. Not only is it horribly unrealistic, it's also pretty insulting.
3788324
I thank you for your opinions, but I disagree with the suspension of disbelief part of it as any scenario is believable as long as events that lead to this point are explainable. Twilight, unlike the president's daughter, is not constantly surrounded by bodyguards all the time (even if you want to count "the elements") and is constantly going to new locations all over Equestria on a whim. She may inform people where she goes, but that allows an amount of time for anything to happen. To be super dark about it a large rock could fall on her head at random and that would take out the princess and for some time if there were no witnesses no one would know the difference. Now consider a conspiratorial group who are just waiting for a chance to strike attacking Twilight, who may be the embodiment of magic but isn't psychic, out of the blue. I just don't feel the pony who constantly doesn't use her known magic in practical ways and was caught off guard by plant gas and a cockatrice to stand up to them, my opinion though.
3788426
Except for both the Cockatrice and the Gas Plant she was found in a very short time. And remember she took anvils, carts, and pianos falling on her head with no long term negative effects. Also there's Celestia's little Astral Plane trick which was/is recording literally everything Twilight ever does. But yeah, she isn't invincible and she isn't perfect. She is, however, a hero. Destroying conspiracies, fighting monsters, and protecting the Equestrian pony is a part of her day to day life. She has literally fought beings who can rewrite reality, or remove entire cities from the time stream. And she won (with her friends help)
Yes, theoretically you could justify it through something. But it's very hard to do. And from what I've seen of your chapter you don't have that skill. There's only one or two people I can think of who have that level of skill. And their skill is at the point of beyond professional level in my opinion, the level where I would pay to read something they wrote just off the reputation of their name alone.
The reason I want you to not include the Mane 6 is because I think it will make your story better. They aren't necessary and adding them will just create problems. Not to mention they are the stereotypical target for a story like this, so it's not even original, has zero shock value, and people are ready with arguments on why it wouldn't work.
3788564
people are always ready with arguments. Heck you are ready with arguments right here, many of which really don't apply here. I mean, to dismiss a few real quick, many of your rebuttals are mostly are based in the world of the cartoon where of course Twilight will survive an anvil to the brain or that Rarity can trick a bunch of dogs cause they will not beat her into submission. The fact of the matter is that if Twilight was devoured by a dragon it would probably be some time before anyone would realize. This is a darker story.
Also you say that the only people who you think could write a believable story like this you would pay for. Well great but this is my first time and as far as I see you can read this for free so cut me a little slack. If you really can't get past that well no one is forcing you to read and I am sorry that I was not up to your standards.
(Quick note: not that I can say for sure, but what if all the visions in the astral plain came from projections in Twilight's mind and not from Celestia. I mean they were all images of important parts of the series and thus important instances in Twilight's life. If it was simply Celestia showing twilight that she was not giving her a moments peace alone one would think that there would be many more shots of her as a filly and growing up. I know it is in reality just the limit of actual footage to use, but just a little food for though in the context of their reality.)
3788667
I'm not trying to get you to stop writing or feel bad. I'm simply trying to get you to write a better story. And I think not including the Mane 6 will result in a better story. If you insist on it, yeah I'll probably stop reading. I see too many stories about the Mane 6 getting raped as it is.
(I believe Celestia said, well sang, something like "And I watched you, From that very first day." which implies that yes, these images are directly from Celestia.)
3788780
well then please continue to read till the story doesn't seem right for you. Who knows, maybe you will find you will like it even if I choose to involve the main six.
I can tell you that this is wrong in so many ways. We're gonna first start off with the needle. First off, no female in the world would be stupid enough to mastrubate with a needle. Because A. It's pointy and sharp like come on. And B. It's not thick so it wouldn't do anything. And a Dom using a needle on a sub? Never going to happen? Do you realize how painful needles are? And how many nerve endings are in vagina? Especially in the clit? That can cause serious vaginal mutilation. And this is a horrible representation of the BDSM community. Doms and Subs have a high level of respect for each other and have communication to make sure that no one gets seriously injured during play.
Another thing, you need an editor. There are so many spelling and grammar mistakes that I can't even name them all.
Also, don't call it a slit it's a vagina. You didn't say vagina once, and that's what it's called. If you're writing porn you can't be afraid of saying vagina.
Also, Schlor Tourmaline? I can't take that OC name seriously. It's not believable. Most pony names have a descriptor and an object. For example, Pinkie is the descriptor and Pie is the object. Or Rainbow is the object and Dash is the descriptor.
3789380
You seem to miss the point of the torture session. It was not meant to be pleasurable. Not trying to misrepresent anything or anyone but some people simply enjoy torture fantasies. There is a "rape" warning in the summary for a reason.
Spelling and grammar mistakes are an understandable concern. I am not a professional writer and while I tried proof reading this 4 times I am sure I missed a few things despite my spell check saying they were actual words at the very least.
I am not afraid of the word vagina, but I don't feel I need to say it if you understand what I am talking about with the words I use to describe it.
Schorl Tourmaline is a type of black gem and since the OC character is a black (or at least really dark purple) crystal pony I feel it is a fine name. Also seeing that other official names for ponies include Cherry Jubilee, Mint Jewelup (direct references to things made with alcohol), Jetstream (A term used with flying), Rarity (A quality), Hoity Toity (a definition of snobbish behavior), Cadence (A type of melody), ect, ect, I feel your statement about my OC name is invalid. Besides, why have a name like everyone else when you can have something more unique. Also if you are going to mock the name I give then at least have the decency to spell it correctly, especially if one of your complains in my story is spelling.
I am going to thumbs up, purely because I believe the author has done a good job defending themselves, especially for their first Fic.
I'll follow this just to see how dark it gets and to see what routs you'll pull.
cool story when can we see another chapter
Please, proof read your shit.
After you've type some stuff out, go back and re-read it. If it had errors like typing a word that isn't meant to be there, misspellings or anything like that, fix them. Two separate characters' dialogue's should not be in the same line or paragraph. For things like "Two days passed" I'd recommend putting a page break of some kind before it, otherwise it looks rushed (to me, at least). These are just a few things to help buff out the dents, I'm not good at giving advice as a whole.
3793040
I did proof read it about 4 times and I am still told that I have problems. One person said I could use an editor in the comments and I halfway agree, though I am not sure who would want to do that for me. I will look it over again once I have finish the next chapter and try to really pick out any errors. Thank you for the advice.
3792253
I will try to update again within the week.
3793135 how far will the torture go in the story will anyone die or be permanently damaged
God, this was going so well, and then I saw the word hands, and I went back and saw the anthro tag, and I actually started crying tears of mourning for this idea that could have been godly.
3787829
Cadence was easy to miss because she wasn't GONE, she was right there, just behaving off.
3795069
I am not much a fan of death when it comes to erotic fan fiction. I mean there are ways to implement it properly (One of my favorite online stories is Trouble's Tales which mixes sci-fi action with erotic fantasy) but I really don't want to do that myself. For the purposes of the story the club has a strict rule against killing, breaking bones, removing body parts or other such things that would disfigure or cripple a slave (though certain things like artist scarification, branding or tattooing, or piercings may still be applied) . Now that doesn't mean that I might not stretch or exaggerate what isn't lethal for the sake of displaying pain. The next chapter will involve one of the club's more violent members and thus will probably show how far the fic will go.
note: I am not sure exactly what counts as "gore" on this site, but I am willing to change the tag on my story if things like branding and piercings count, as while I have not found a point in my story where I will use these yet odds are it might be in there eventually.
3795266
Well I am sorry that you are not a fan of anthro fanfics. As I stated in another comment I was going to make this non-anthro but in the end it came down to personal preference of anatomy. Even so I still think that this fanfic has the potential to be good and I would hope that you give it a shot. If you are so opposed to anthro characters though that it ruins it for you though I understand and thank you for at least saying that you think that the concept is great.
3796338
ok, I can see this is going to be a "thing" so I just want to get this all out real quick so that everyone understands what I mean when I say that Celestia (in my opinion) probably is not as aware of what goes on in her kingdom as she should be.
It has been shown time and time again in the show that despite being able to move the sun (and the moon before Luna's return) she has been nearly oblivious to what is going on in Equestria. Canterlot Wedding is only the most damning incident because Candence was abducted in Canterlot while she was behind a cities worth of guards, two princesses, and her own husband's changeling proof force field that was also shown to repel changelings when it was expanded out. Other examples of ineptitude are show in Appaloosa, where a new settlement was intruding on the sacred grounds of the buffalo and it would of been nice to have a representative from the hierarchy to aid in settling the situation calmly, and Cloudsdale, Where she was willing to allow Rarity and three other ponies to plummet to their deaths if not for Rainbow Dash.
This doesn't even include the numerous events in Poniville such as in Magic Duel, Swarm of the Century and other such episodes where the city has been completely destroyed or taken over. Now you can say that she knew about these while they happened and simply trusted Twilight to solve it, but then you have to believe that she is willing to allow the entire town to suffer at the cost of teaching twilight a lesson. Trixie basically enslaved the whole town and put the Mayor in a cage for cripes sake.
Lastly if you keep up with the IDW Comics and believe them to be cannon we see Luna showing us a day in the life of Celestia where she has a set scheduled from sun up to sun down and has little time to worry about what is going on in places other than Canterlot.
I guess all I am saying is that when it comes down a meta textual reason for why this is that way is that if Celestia solved all the problems we wouldn't have a show, but then that implies that there are reasons that she doesn't and an obvious reason would be that neither she nor Luna nor anyone else can focus on the whole of Equestria at once and that allows for things to happen. Sure, eventually someone will wonder where a missing pony is and someone will go looking but how long could that be. A week? A month? two months? Who knows what could happen in that time or even if said pony will be "missing" for that long, even without changeling aid.
TL;DR: It's a plot convenience in my story that it will take time for anyone to catch on, just as much as it is plot convenience in the show that Celestia is not Supermare saving all Equestria before bed time. God, I'm such a nerd for typing out all this.
3795266
Saw* ._.
3796938 yeah i don't think death works in these stories. will there be slave challenges like having two slaves on stage they are both balanced on one leg with their arms outstretched holding heavy books and the first to fall will be punished.
3797758
Well I don't want to have too many spoilers to future chapters of my story in the comments. All I have to say is wait and see.
3797783 ok i'll wait
3797312
well that was embarrassing
i guess my anguish got the best of my typing skills
3797110
well when you put it like that i guess i can give it a shot
I'm sorry, you are just WRONG
Good set up, competent writing, and I love the concept and the teaser of the mane 6 becoming enslaved.
It's all thumbs up from me, don't let people who don't understand the subject matter discourage you.
If Twilight can't get a cab, then this scenario is easily as plausible.
3801337
Thank you and I will try my best not to let bad comments get the better of me.
nice hope to see asphyxiation used again in the story
3809420
I am happy to please.
3809432 I would like to see this torture in this story link
3809558
That is very nice actually. I might do something similar in the future, but for right now I do have a small set plan for the next 3 chapters at least. Since you are interested in the story I will give you a sneak peak at the layout if you want.