In Equestria lies a secret society of super elite who find sport in kidnapping, imprisoning and taming unsuspecting ponies into submissive sex slaves.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Now THAT'S a sexy throatfucking!^^
sitll saying you have no put enough thought into this overall. largely no limits are created at all and you do whatever you want and it hurts the story.
you are gonna have them abduct, rape, and hurt the mane six and somehow two immortals who have directly inolved themselves in politics for a millenium, and thus have a thousand years of experience. it is an inevitability that they would have discovered this kind of society, if not necessarily this one, and celestia at least would have learned how they work so, if she ever discovered another, she would know how to better destroy it.
what sense does it make for someone that old and experienced not figuring out about these kinds of things?
basically you are trying to make celestia more like the one in the show but that does not work. you have created a world where societies like this exist. meaning that celestia would have had encounters with such groups before. when you change the world you change celestia to some degree too, as he age makes her as much a part of equestria as the mountain canterlot sits upon.
even luna would realize something is up. perhaps it is speculation but it seems logical she can sense nightmares, and those ponies being raped and tormented would give them horrible nightmares. kinda makes sense for a dream walker who protects dreams to sense when nightmres occur, don't you think?
How did I NOW just discover this? Great stuff lad, gonna be up late reading it! XD
Isaac: Hmmm a pitty I enjoyed her music
Bren: Thinking about trying to escape?
Isaac: Can't...they have my Treasure here....no way I can leave, I'm both a prisoner, and a slave to Schorl's little club...but I'll find a way out
4752788 ...Which is pretty much my big problem with this series.
Either Celestia is letting it go on, on the simple basis of "better the devils she knows, versus the ones she doesn't", or she's waiting for something.
That "something", I suspect, is enough opponents of her to commit to the Society that when she takes it down, there are no doubts that she did it because they were evil.
Assuming, of course, Luna doesn't decide to do something, herself...
And, of course, kidnapping the Bearers of Elements of Harmony? Princess Celestia will tear the world apart to find the kidnappers. And, somepony will crack-and soon-because they will try to find some way to survive Celestia's rage.
Kidnapping and sexually assaulting Twilight Sparkle? The pony she regards as her daughter in all but blood? It's more a question of what Princess Celestia won't do when that happens. The answer? Very damn little. Or, to quote Gary Oldman, "Bring me everyone." "What do you mean, 'everyone"?"
"EVERYONE!"
4752788
Your complaints have been noted, recorded and prompted disregarded. It is not even a point of trying to explain anymore. You simply don't accept any reason beyond what you think is right despite time and time again being proven wrong. If my story doesn't make sense to you then don't worry about it. Go read fictions that do make sense to you. This story is fine the way it is and plenty of people will agree with that statement.
To put it frankly Myth in this comment section your opinion, quite literally, doesn't matter.
4752955 more accurately criticism ignored rather than acknowledged. i am not the only one thinking this.
Is it possible to block a story?
4753096
You can un-favorite it if it is in your favorites and you can simply ignore it otherwise. No one is pressuring you to click on the story.
I am sorry you don't like what happened to Vinyl, but I told you that this story has one set path (with only one exception) and I am not changing it for anyone. The Society would never release her, not after all she knows.
4753135 You also could have gone the safe direction and not use such a beloved character. If you didn't want such a negative reception, you should have used a character like Beauty Brass that still has the connection to Tavi. And what I mean is I don't ever want to see this story in Latest Updates, Popular, or the Feature Box ever again. I get pissed whenever I see it. If you want me to NOT be pissed, have her be into the whole thing and be promoted to Suri's level. Because honestly, she seems like she'd like it.
4753192
They're all beloved characters to one brony or another. As for negative reception storywise, given the like/dislike ratio and Shorl's repeated statements that the direction of this story is set in stone I think it's safe to say that it isn't really an issue.
4753192 s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/number_of_fucks_given/zero.png
4753192
Well again I am sorry that you are so upset. Unfortunately FIMfiction doesn't let you block individual stories. You can only do what I suggested or if you really don't want to see it again you can turn your mature filter on, but that would likewise block every other mature story as well.
Also I do have to note the idea that you suggest another character to replace Vinyl in this is a bit repugnant. It's like your saying "Don't rape this girl I have a crush on, rape this other less interesting girl instead." and to say that Vinyl would enjoy raping other ponies does not fit with the high position you put the character in.
Lastly that you think Vinyl would enjoy herself while her best friend (fanon only, but the Vinyl/Octavia relation is pretty much see as fact at this point) is suffering at the hands of some sadistic bastards is borderline offensive to me as a person who is a fan of both of the characters.
Constructive criticism is fine, but you are just trying to change the story to better fit your fantasy. Sorry, but I am catering to no one's whims.
Damn Schorl you pull no fucking punches. I mean the story of course. Also is that a sliver of hope I see in the form of griffons , or more likely is it me grabbing at straws to fight the Society with. Probably the latter, anyways great work and looking forward to the next chapter. Even if it does toy with my emotions.
Black
4753336 Listen, I'm sorry. I'd prefer if Vinyl made the best of it, which might be why I'm fine with Fall of Equestria, but it's your story. I don't want to tell you how to write it. I know that how much I like Vinyl is unhealthy; maybe it's a psychological condition that hasn't been diagnosed. Regardless, I'm sorry I was a douche.
4753406
Apology accepted. As long as you try not to be rude I will likewise do the same.
4752788 I think he countered the dreamwalking in one chapter by setting up zebrican dream chasing fetishes to keep away dream walkers and keep the victims from dreaming.
As for keeping Celestia off their tail, they have a method to capturing their prey, as far as Celestia knows from her paid off supporters and allies, the Society doesn't exist, and their victims are on an extended vacation or visiting with their new potential bosses or making a change in their world view and supporting the ponies who they once opposed viciously.
Anyway, the only way for Celestia to get any scrap of knowledge of what is going on is if she violates the privacy of her ponies, or one of the targets of the Society's operation to attempt to capture is able to both avoid capture and knows to directly tell Celestia themselves.
4753867 or is one of the mane six...... and if luna couldn't find any of them, well let us just say divine fury would be an understatement cause they only other conclusion is them being dead. and i highly doubt celestia would buy it.
heck a missing pony being unable to be found by luna would probably equal luna believing someone is abducting and murdering ponies to begin with. and being unable to enter a dream would rouse her suspicions.
besides after a thousand years you would think she would know where to look to find those who have been paid off. threats to equestria would come without and within. though true she would need a catalyst, and largely one of the mane six disappearing is one of them.
4753885 Mortals are surprisingly adept at disguising their skeletons when they need to. Blueblood for instance could have had Schorl and other members of the society, systematically bind the guards and made within the castle to that they are under the society's control through the will binding gems. or convince them to go along with the venture. Since the prince is a depraved popinjay, he would be easy to convince into compromising the defense of Equestria, and would also be willing to displace his aunties if it gave him a chance after his long sought throne.
Another problem for the society in favor of the crown would be the Batpony guards of Luna's personal guard and the fact that they are completely free from the society's corruption as far as we know, so they are likely to be able to spot the society and report the clandestine operation they are conduction without getting caught and return the information back to their superiors.
I look forward to seeing how the story plays out from here.
4753951 ......... let me explain why it would be impossible to displace the regal sisters. the ponies and bought of guards try to capture the princesses.
fifteen minutes pass.
the sisters have prince blueblood dangling over a cliff by his ballsack while back in the castle there are several piles of bleeding, moaning ponies.
it is one thing to ursurp a typical ruler. it is impossible to do so purely politically when said rulers can clear a room of armed guards without effort. look what nightmare moon did to celestia's guards when she first appeared. moment a coupe is revealed is the moment the regal sisters know who to pulverize. and as i said before, it is very likely she had to endure attempted coupes before hand.
and the problem is still that what else will luna think if she goes searching for missing ponies and does not find theri dreams than to think they are being murdered? more so i do no think that they could indenifitely disable luna. either they have a temporary barrier to theri minds or they make them not appear in the dreamscape. either way, luna will get suspicious and act on it all. if one of the mane six vanishes that is a whole different can of worms. if they vanish, celestia will throw in a assload of her resources into finding the ones hwo 'killed' the mane six.
difference between celestia nad a typical ruler is she has lived so long it is practically fact she has had to eal with secret societies. hell she might have a few of her own.
4753951
Please do not egg him on. While I will not stifle his opinion by deleting his posts or blocking him (since I believe that all opinions are valid to some degree) he really isn't saying anything constructive when it comes down to it.
I could give a million reasons why the Society is able to work without being discovered from them just being really clever and being something that the princess has never faced before in her 1000 year reign to something ridiculous like Celestia actually being the one behind the Society because she likes to change how things operate every couple hundred years or so (which is not true in this story, but would explain why in the IDW comics Luna has a air of superiority about her when dealing with the, in her own words, peasants) he still goes to the "princess are gods" defense (which they are not in this story) and that they do things that even by show standards is just speculation (There is actually a theory going about that Luna's dream hopping can only be done to children and while I never thought f that before it is actually pretty sound and I am willing adapt the stance myself).
The truth of the matter is that I like Celestia, I like Luna. I believe them to be decent leaders when it comes to the general operations of Equestria on the whole, but Celestia has also proven herself incapable of detecting even the slightest problem in her realm. Chrysalis, the plunder seed vine and even Trixie prove how oblivious Celestia can be even when a threat is at her doorstep. She had to be TOLD that the crystal empire had returned. As much as I like the princess she can sometimes be dumber than a box of rocks.
Now on another note let me explain a bit about Myth. Myth is the kind of person who will try to raise something he thinks is indisputable proof that his methods are the only valid way that fanfictions should be written and then delete every message to the contrary and his argument itself when dozens of people come telling him why he is full of crap. The proof of this can be seen in the comment section of his profile page and he has even gone to the point of deleting an entire blog page cause aside from his counter arguments no one had anything to say in his favor.
and I do have one last ting to say. While I honestly don't want him to bother commenting on my story anymore since he has nothing but conjecture to offer if he sees this I have one little challenge for him.
Myth, if you truly feel that I am doing a sloppy job then how about you write a comment on how YOU feel the Society could overcome the Celestia you have conjured up in your mind. Then stop yourself because I don't care and you coming up with a legitimate reason means that Celestia can be overcome and that means she is flawed and can be defeated in a multitude of ways.
4754198 I've read you're comment and understand your point, I find your argument sound, somewhat open, but sound.
As I said before I look forward to the next few updates. I do hope the rarity chapter is where things turn around against the society.
4753096
4753192 "I HATE PORN! I HATE PORN SOOOO MUCH!!!!"
That's nice sweetie.
4757117 I love porn. Also, I'm over it.
4757117
4757338
Gentlemen, gentlemen, no fighting. Jimmy did formally apologize and I accepted it. Let's just drop it.
4757338 I was actually just summing up what your comments looked like to me.
4757356 No one's fighting though.
4757412 Oh. You know what, yeah, it kinda does.
4754198 says the person who created the Mary Sue of Mary Sue group.
Never caught.
No mention of missing ponies.
Somehow able to get away with 'releasing' famous ponies, broken, back into society without anyone able to tell (because you know, that makes sense, because our own Hollywood superstars are just not that transparent.)
No one tries to kill themselves to escape, which is weird if you ask me.
Somehow able to buy out the guards or something cause I still can't wrap my head around that one because that pertains to 2
No one should know about Luna's abilities since I figure that would be something she keeps to herself unless she visits them personally.
Hmm... what else.
Oh yes.
And how again do this 'madam' manage to do all this without getting caught when she came back from the Crystal Kingdom from scratch?
Oh wait. Never mind, you have an answer for that too.
Ha! Who was i kidding, I expect it!
4758239
Ahhh, see while I won't reply to Myth anymore, because his argument has become redundant at this point, I will gladly reply to you since your issues are fresh and deal with more than the idea that "Princesses = Gods" (Heck I'll even give your comment a thumbs up for at least addressing some things that might be actual issues with the story).
I do kinda want to address this first as I kinda feel it is a bit of a misconception of what Schorl, and to a further extent what a "Mary Sue", is. From my understanding the definition of a Mary Sue is "an idealized character", one that is perfect, has no flaws or is put in an unreasonably high standard than what would be deemed possible in reality.
Now Schorl is rich and controls a slave racket that assures that she stays rich, but this is really were her above average features stop. I have made it very clear that the Society on the whole only exists in the manner that it does because everyone involved with it has the money and the resources to buy people (both figuratively and actually) and hide what it is doing from the public. Schorl does very little in the grand scheme of things. She runs the Society, makes the rules its members must follow, hires those with better skills than her own and takes advantage of the perks that comes with this territory, all the while being arrogant and acting with superiority (Two negative traits).
What she doesn't do is make it so she is the one who does all the important things that keep this organization going. She can't really fight, I'll opening admit that the moment an unrestrained pony skilled in combat would face her in a fair fight she would go down like a ton of bricks, so she hires Minotaurs which are more powerful than any pony physically save for maybe Big Mac. She can't capture ponies, so she hires gryphons who are skilled hunters. She can't train ponies (at least not in the quantity that is presented to her) so she uses drugs and hires those who can like Lightning Dust.
In the grand scheme of things she really doesn't do much and is hardly even in the story. An appearance here, a mention there. The most time she was around was in the Octavia arc and that is just because the girl was a special interest of an important member.
No, what Schorl is when it comes down to it is a plot device. She is something that makes it so the story can exist. Because she is who and what she is these events can happen. Without her there is no Society and that might give her a bit of importance, but no more makes her a mary sue than it would a character like Sauron from lord of the rings.
Are you familiar with Al Capone? The mafia crime boss who never was convicted of a single crime that involved his organization. His only issue was taxes. Now while you are obviously talking about the society on the whole this is an example of how people can get away with crimes for life.
Also the Society is fairly new in this version of the MLP universe and they try there best to be discrete, waiting for opportune moments to snatch ponies. It is not beyond belief that while people would notice someone is not there that they wouldn't think it was the fault of some sinister organization that has never existed in Equestria before this point.
It is hard to mention something that people are not very aware of, and yet I do!~ The wonderbolts were rallying a search party just as Fleetfoot came back and the entire Vinyl arc is about her going after the missing Octavia. Just because there isn't mass awareness doesn't mean people don't notice. Like I said the Society likes to pick opportune moments, such as when a pony is going to be away from friends/family anyways. Fleetfoot's capture was probably their sloppiest in story and thus it got a lot of attention.
Soarin could obviously tell something was up with Fleetfoot, but then again in this universe the two were casual friends at best until a certain event happened so for all he knew Fleetfoot was always into bondage. Is it convenient for the plot, sure. Does it break it? no.
This one I am going to actually say is a legitimate thing, but then again who says a pony hasn't done that. I don't personally write about that because I choose to stay away from the morbid aspects of the setting, but that doesn't mean that it didn't happen. despite the Society doing their best to keep ponies from doing such a thing one or two might of slipped through the cracks, which then would make the Society try even harder to prevent such a thing from happening again.
So yeah, this is all because I would rather not write about Fluttershy hanging herself by her long flowing mane or random background pony biting off their tongue. I'll stick to the already dark aspects of abduction and rape and if that aspect ruins the story for you then I apologize. I would hope though that ponies believe in the concept of "hope" itself enough to stave this off regardless.
How is this on this list? Cop are bought out by real life crime syndicates everyday. Find one that is weak willed, desperate or simply crooked enough and they will be willing to do anything. How many zeroes would it take to get your cooperation?
I never said that they did. I merely said that Luna's powers have limits, such as having to be in the same city as the pony she would be looking for. In the IDW comics they state that Luna frequests the Everfree forest and that puts her in proximity to Ponyville and the only two people we have ever seen her do this with. Also there has been a theory I have heard recently that Luna can only enter the dreams of children and I can actually follow that.
There is no indication that Luna and Sweetie Belle ever truly left Sweetie Belle's dreams. Everything that was shown could easily of been a fabrication by Luna, even the dolphins because it doesn't seem like that was private knowledge for Sapphire Shores (Unless you are saying that the pop deva had a dream of the exact headdress Rarity was making as well as dreaming that she would dump the unicorn on her ass on a whim).
Also if I wanted to I could explain how all of Equestria knows Luna's powers. Sweetie Belle didn't seem all that confused at Luna's appearance in her dreams, meaning Scootaloo mentioned the encounter to her. One could go as far as to say she told every foal this at the same time at school because the event was so amazing, and here is where the secret is out. You see children are very chatty.
They would spread this story like wildfire to their friends, parents or anyone willing to listen (or simply ask them "Mommy, is it true Princess Luna can go into your dreams, cause Scootaloo says she can"). From there it is up to the parents to spread the word of Luna's previously unknown power, which they would since she is well known and the power could invade on their privacy while they are possibly at their most vulnerable. So then not only is the secret out, but now Equestria has a new reason to fear the princess of the night as she can steal your darkest secrets from your very dreams.
This I would explain right now if it wasn't the entirety of a future story arc. Schorl's backstory will be explored in full at one point. From there it will bring to light exactly where she got her money, why she is how she is, ect, ect. Just because I haven't brought it up doesn't mean there isn't a reason. I just enjoy having Schorl as a "Mare of Mystery" and until the time is right to reveal her in her entirety you will just have to settle with the clues I have dropped in the story every once in a while.
I hope this solves all your concerns (though I know it won't cause I know you hate these kind of stories) and I thank you for bringing up the questions regardless.
4759347
I'm not even sure how much use it is to debate people who believe accusing you of "having an answer" for their concerns somehow weakens your position.
But I commend you anyway.
4759347 villainous mary sue then.
The idealized evil character. Or group in this case.
I've just gotten around to reading the last three chapters of this Arc, and Sweet mother of pie did I love it!! I still kinda liked the Octavia Arc abit more but this one and Coco's are tied :3. I loved Gadwall, I really believed that he was trying to help Vinyl and his deception at the end, was just like...holy hell truly did not expect it but my love for him sky rocketed, I am kinda hoping he'll have more rolls in future chapters. I loved how you wrote Vinyl, I how she uses her head, and enjoyed her back story in this little universe. Oh! another thing that kinda caught me by surprise was the stallion and the mare from Vinyl' ...err.. past? anywho seeing him come in and being the first to uhmm "use her" I covered my mouth as I read what happened. Very good story Arc, Bravo ^_^/)(\
Why don't you do an arc about a group of captured changelings? It could lead to some interesting subplots, given their nature.
4765203
Yeah, I would believe even a willing participant like him would have second thoughts about having a red hot piece of metal pressed against his skin.
4772708
Then with you at least I hit all the right spots.
I wanted to try and keep Gadwall's status as a member hidden, while not writing anything in his perspective that would oppose the fact that he was. I believe for the most part I did this right all the way to the point he made his move.
4779251
Changelings are a tough topic for me in this cause I kinda feel that for the most part they are insectile and thus don't have much intellect save for Chrysalis herself. As individuals I kinda see them as being like very hostile animals (in my interpretation, I know in the show they showed a bit of personality at points) and that might make them a bit hard to tame.
Now while it might take a bit of time I did have a few ideas on how to introduce changelings to the story as we start to expand further and further from Society HQ (which we will return to from time to time as well as since a majority of slave training happens there).
BTW, quick comment, your current Avatar is the cutest thing I've ever seen. Just wanted to say that.
So wait, Vinyl's going to be sold to one specific pony?
I just thought of a way you could have been even more cruel. You could have had Vinyl invited to be a member. But her initiation be on Octavia. Tavi would be urging her on, so that she didn't have to become a slave herself. She would submit to everything Vinyl would do to her, and become obedient. If Vinyl failed or refused, Tavi would see her best friend be forced into slavery right in front of her, and all because of her. It would completely break her spirit. A win-win for the Society, and a lose-lose for Octavia.
wow.. are you the devil or what!?
YOU are a HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING!
But and EXCELLENT and AWESOME WRITER!
Can't wait to get to the arc!
Gadwall better have a redemption arc where he turns on the Society.
Am I the only one that wants to see Trixie join the Society and get revenge on Twilight?