• Published 15th Jan 2014
  • 1,881 Views, 28 Comments

Friendship is Qwarktastic - Tired Old Man



Doctor Nefarious attempts to annihilate Qwark once and for all. However, something goes wrong, and they end up in Equestria instead.

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That should do it, Miss Scratch.

Lawrence was baffled at how much finesse Vinyl had. Sure, he had dextrous hands that were quite capable of making the most advanced robotic repairs, but Vinyl had dexterity that rivaled his own. It was surprising, to say the least.

“Are you sure, Lawrence? I haven’t even done any checks to be sure I wired it up properly. Also, could you just call me Vinyl?”

“That is unnecessary, Miss...Vinyl?”

She shrugged. “Close enough, I guess.”

Lawrence nodded before continuing. “I can already tell that your work is exquisite. I can use it right now, if you are still uncertain.”

“I’d like that, Lawrence.”

Lawrence closed the open hatch leading to his exposed wiring, then began to fiddle with a small console on his arm. Much to his dismay, the only way he could test it was to contact Nefarious. Lawrence savored the few precious seconds he had left before potentially being bombarded by his employer's remarks.

Lawrence activated the power to his communicator. A red light shined on his arm, indicating a connection to Nefarious. He wondered if Nefarious even noticed that it-

“LAWWWWWWWRRREEEEENNNCEEEEE!”

Nefarious’s scream shook Lawrence’s arm involuntarily for a moment, stunning Vinyl and rousing Dash and Derpy, who had decided to take a short nap while Vinyl was busy working.

Vinyl asked, “I take it your communicator works then?”

Lawrence sighed before responding, “Correct, miss Vinyl.”

Lawrence pressed a few buttons on his arm to mute the sound so the other ponies couldn’t hear. If he could have a private conversation with Nefarious like this without being detected, it would be a boon to their plans.

“Yes, sir?”

“LAWRENCE! Finally, this blasted communicator works! WHERE ARE YOU?!”

“I was busy getting the communicator repaired, sir. Is this important?”

“YES, this is important, you robotic buffoon! This squishy pony won’t leave me alone!”

“Sir, pardon my asking, but aren’t we supposed to be monitored by ponies the entire time during our stay?”

“This is different! This pony won’t stop asking me questions about my past!”

“When you were...oh, how did you put it, ‘one of those filthy organics’, sir?”

“Correct! Now Lawrence, how do I get this pony to shut up?”

“Why not annihilate them, sir?”

“I WISH! However, I still need to be nice to these ponies for a while longer until I figure out the secrets of their powers.”

“Then why not tell the truth, sir? If you want them to trust you, you must be willing to show them that you are trustworthy.”

“Supervillains aren’t meant to be trustworthy, Lawrence! That’s one of the first rules of supervillainy!”

“It’s rule number forty-six, sir.”

“Lawrence, I didn’t ask you to tell me the rules to supervillainy!”

“But sir, remember rule forty-seven?”

“‘Don’t leave your star cruiser parked in neutral?’”

“That’s rule twenty-five, sir. Forty-seven states, ‘Be trustworthy enough to fool your foes into thinking you’re their friend if you intend to betray them in the end.’”

Lawrence made a mental note to scan Nefarious’s data banks for any signs of corruption at his earliest convenience. Misremembering details to the single, most important rulebook to supervillainy raised a red flag for him immediately concerning his employer’s functionality.

“AHA! Fool them with the truth long enough to conceal the lies! Excellent plan, Lawrence.”

“I do shine when appropriate, sir. Much like you after breaking a fuse box with your fist.”

“Of course! Nefarious out.”

“Yoohoo, Lawrence! You in there?” Dash prodded at Lawrence’s head from behind, making hollow noises as her hoof clanged against the metal.

Lawrence twisted his head around 180 degrees, which startled Dash as she flapped away, almost knocking over a record stand in the process. Derpy chuckled at the small comedic display.

“I’m here, miss Dash. Is something wrong?”

“N-no, nothing’s wrong,” she stammered. “It’s just...you kinda zoned out there for a minute. Vinyl thought something went wrong, so she went upstairs for more tools.”

Lawrence rotated his head in a full circle and saw that Vinyl had indeed vanished. “Oh, I’m dreadfully sorry. I was running a self-diagnostic to make sure everything was functional.”

Rainbow Dash gave him a blank stare, and so did Derpy...he thought she did, at least. “How do I put this, it’s like...checking one’s self for injuries and fixing them, if possible.”

Clarity shone in Rainbow’s eyes. “Oh, I get it! It’s like when I go through my Wonderbolts training and I crash from messing up a maneuver! I look myself over to make sure everything’s okay, and if it is, I just go right back to practicing!”

Derpy chimed in as well. “It’s also like when I check myself every time I crash into a building as I’m delivering mail! If I can still fly, I just go right back out the hole I made and carry on as usual!”

Lawrence looked at Derpy for a moment before turning to face Rainbow Dash. “She delivers your mail?”

Rainbow Dash rubbed the back of her neck. “Well...it’s a long story.”

------------------------

“You can come out now, squishy. I’m done yelling.”

Fluttershy hid under her sofa the moment Nefarious yelled out Lawrence’s name. She did not want to come out, and Nefarious’s words were not helping to coax her from her spot.

Nefarious was thankful for the silence (and a squishy cowering before him), but he reminded himself that continuing to make negative first impressions like this would only make his plans more difficult to accomplish.

He tasted battery acid in his mouth as he thought of what he would have to do to get this squishy to believe him. After running through his next words in his head enough times to where it would sound convincing and not forced (much to his dismay), he decided to give it a try.

“I’m sorry...Fluttershy. Would you please come out now?”

He shuddered inside as the words left his mouth. He couldn’t wait for this situation to be over so he could go back to yelling at these inferior ponies.

Locks of pink hair came out first from underneath the sofa, followed by the rest of Fluttershy’s body. She meekly flew up and sat on the sofa next to Nefarious.

“I-it’s okay, Doctor Nefarious. You just scared me with your loud voice...and I don’t deal with loud voices like that too well.”

“Then you and I are going to have a very hard time getting along.” Nefarious was doing his best to keep his voice low, although the words he stressed still came out louder than the rest of his speech.

“Everything takes time, Nefarious. I’m sure that soon you’ll be able to talk to me without screaming out names like that.”

“Who, Lawrence? I yell his name ALL the time, Fluttershy. I’m afraid that’s just something you’ll have to get used to.”

“I-I’ll try,” she squeaked. “Now then, you weren’t always like this, right?”

“Correct. I used to be a mad scientist born of flesh, bone, and squishy organic matter like you.” Nefarious began making various gestures to accompany his story. “I was a genius then, too! Long have I terrorized the populace of the Solana Galaxy with many plans to destroy or overrun their precious homeworlds with my very own Amoeboid army!

“But then HE came: Captain Qwark. This beefhead bulwark has thrown monkey wrench after monkey wrench into ALL of my plans by battling my gooey minions time and again, succeeding at every turn! He even managed to confront me after I invaded Blackwater City by somehow clinging onto my ship and staying there for six days! Six days! No smart man could possibly survive in space for that long!

“And yet Qwark did. He had snuck into my main stronghold, fought his way through my security, and confronted me within. We bantered for a short time until he DARED to remind me about...high school.

“We were classmates in...ugh...Biology. I hated him SO MUCH back then! Did you know he cleaned the blackboard with my pants while I was still wearing them?! That was so humiliating for me!

“I was the laughingstock of the high school. Everyone mocked me, calling me ‘that freak with the headgear’ after Qwark made it popular. I never understood why everyone liked him! He was a stupid oaf! A twenty-six year old man in high school?! Who raised him, Florana monkeys?”

Nefarious sighed heavily as he vented his childhood woes. Fluttershy remained quiet and placed a hoof on his shoulder for comfort. Much to her surprise, he didn’t brush it off.

“After that dreadful experience, I graduated with barely passing grades. However, my genius would NOT be denied so easily! I furthered my studies into the creatures known in my world as Amoeboids. Soon I managed to develop a method of cultivating them for my own personal army, and I capitalized on this by terrorizing planet after planet with my slimy abominations. Things went well enough for me to even pick up a butler on the way!

“But then Qwark came to ruin my plans, and I fell into my machinery after he tried to give me a wedgie. Qwark left my lair thinking I had died, but no. I was reborn! I clawed my way out of the gears and cogs, formerly organic but now a machine, no longer limited by my squishy restraints! It was then that I vowed to annihilate Qwark once and for all!”

“But why haven’t you...annihilated him yet?” Fluttershy hadn’t heard the word “annihilate” before, but it sounded terrible as it left her mouth.

Nefarious scoffed, “I plan on annihilating him as soon as I leave this planet. Until then, I need to build a ship that will get us out of here. As for why, we don’t belong here. Qwark and I know this. Your world is far too peaceful for him to be heroic...but for me, it’s a squishy playground. That’s why he wants us both gone from here, just to make sure I don’t cause any trouble for you.”

Fluttershy closed her eyes and thought for a moment. “Nefarious doesn’t seem like a bad robot. If he’s able to talk to me on a level like this, then maybe there’s hope for him. I’ve touched the heart of a servant of Chaos...I can do the same for a robot, right?”

“Is something on your mind, Fluttershy?” Nefarious asked, noticing her calm expression.

Fluttershy felt the words lodge in her throat, but she was determined to speak her mind. Having an idea in mind, she cleared her throat before responding.

“Do-do you want to play a game, Nefarious?”

----------------------

Qwark left Sweet Apple Acres as soon as he dropped off the last barrel of apples at the homestead. Applejack told him that there wasn’t any more work he needed to do today, so he resolved to go find Twilight as soon as possible to learn of Nefarious’s whereabouts.

He found her at the library. Twilight had to teleport him in again; she made a mental note afterwards to look into getting a bigger door.

When Qwark asked about Nefarious, what he learned from her inside the library was something he wasn’t content with.

“Hah, Nefarious not being evil? Fat chance! I know that somewhere within that cranial construct of his is a diabolical plan just waiting to happen!”

Twilight furrowed her brow. “Qwark, I left Nefarious with a pony that reformed Discord, our most chaotic resident. Why are you so certain that he won’t change?”

“Twilight, he’s already tried to be good once! And even then he was reluctant to be a hero! I’m certain he won’t change his ways just because you set him up with a nice pony,” Qwark rebutted.

“Wait, what?” Spike interrupted before Twilight could respond as he came out of the kitchen, holding a bowl of crushed gems. “Twilight, you set Fluttershy up on a date?”

Her eyes widened in response as she turned her head to face Spike. “WHAT? No I didn’t! I was just explaining to Qwark that I set up lodging for Doctor Nefarious with Fluttershy!”

“...Twi, I don’t know who that is, but it still sounds like you set her up on a date.”

“AAAGH!” Twilight yelled. Her frustration peaked as smoke started to billow out from her mane over the gross misunderstanding.

Meanwhile, Qwark was actually enjoying the situation that had just formed before his eyes. Against his better judgment, a misunderstanding like this would be just the thing he needed to prove his point that Nefarious is still evil.

“That’s right, little buddy! Twilight’s playing cupid’s advocate, and she just told me the good news! I can’t believe Doctor Nefarious and Fluttershy hit it off so well!” As Qwark spoke, he put his acting lessons he took on his homeworld, Kerwan, to good use. He made a grand, wide-armed pose for his first line, gestured to Twilight for the second, and lastly cupped his hands, holding them up to his face for the third.

Twilight was on the verge of exploding as Qwark blatantly led Spike along. “Qwark,” she spoke through gritted teeth, “what are you doing?”

“Why, I’m helping you help Nefarious help himself by discovering true love!”

Spike made a gagging motion. “Ugh, since when did you get so sappy, Qwark?”

Qwark struck another heroic pose, bending his elbows inward and balling his fists, placing them on his sides. “It’s a hero’s duty to cultivate joy and happiness wherever he goes, Spike. I will not rest until Nefarious and Fluttershy give love a shot!”

At this point, Twilight’s mane was now lit on fire. She had had enough of Qwark’s theatrics. “Qwark! Stop lying and tell the truth, NOW!”

As soon as she flared up, Qwark panicked and crashed through the library door, leaving yet another Qwark-shaped hole. If there was a place he didn’t want to be, it was inside a hollow tree with a pony on fire.

The problem for him was that Twilight was now chasing him, galloping after him in hot pursuit. He forced his legs to pick up the pace to keep ahead of the blazing mare. He did NOT want to get caught by her, not when everything was going according to plan: a plan which he quickly admitted was one of the worst plans he came up with.

Spike took one last look around the library before he decided to give chase after Qwark and Twilight. If there was anything more he wanted to see besides Fluttershy and this Doctor Nefarious fellow hooking up, it was Qwark getting his rear torched by Twilight.

--------------------

“So Derpy became Ponyville’s mailmare after an accident with a storm cloud?”

“Er...‘accident’ isn’t really the word I would use to describe the destruction she caused, Lawr-”

A girlish scream echoed through the town and into Vinyl’s store, interrupting Rainbow Dash’s story.

“What was that?” Derpy asked.

Lawrence recognized the voice. “I believe that’s Captain Qwark, miss Derpy. And by the sound of things, he’s rather distressed.”

“WHAT? We need to go find out what’s wrong with him!” Dash said.

Derpy nodded in agreement, while Lawrence felt compelled to investigate as well. However, he had one last matter to settle before he could do so.

Vinyl was still occupied searching for tools, so Lawrence looked around the front desk until he found a notepad and a pencil. He hastily scribbled a few words on the note.

Miss Vinyl,

I appreciate the services you’ve rendered to me. Mere words on this primitive parchment cannot express enough of my gratitude.

However, certain events have come up that call for my attention involving a space ape. I must depart with Miss Dash and Derpy to investigate.

Feeling the strings of the bass beneath my fingertips was a liberating experience that I wish to relive once again. I will come back and accept your band offer when I can.

~Lawrence

“Lawrence! What are you doing, writing a swan song? We gotta move!” Dash remarked.

“Coming, miss Dash.”

Lawrence placed the note on the counter before departing with Dash and Derpy outside.

The scream had long since vanished from earshot, but the trail blazed by whatever was following him still smoldered with charred earth and smoke. A few ponies had gathered around the trail, curious about its origins.

Dash realized upon further inspection that the trail probably belonged to Twilight...which meant that whatever Qwark did to her must have really pissed her off.

Lawrence shuffled up behind Dash, while Derpy was up in the air looking for more smoke to figure out which way it led.

“This trail looks fresh, miss Dash. Do you have an idea as to who made it? I doubt Qwark is responsible unless he set himself on fire--in retrospect, that actually seems likely.”

“No Lawrence, this belongs to Twilight. I only heard about it from Fluttershy, but when Twilight gets, like, REALLY mad, she lights on fire.”

“Oh dear. Combustible ponies that are immune to flames? Doctor Nefarious won’t like this.”

“I say, that is rather...illuminating, miss Dash.”

Rainbow Dash wondered if he meant that as a pun, but shook her head clear of the thought. Derpy came down from the sky, relaying that she spotted a smoke trail heading outside the town toward Sweet Apple Acres.

Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened at the information, realizing that Applejack might not like it if half her orchard was going to burn down by Twilight’s fury. Beckoning Lawrence and Derpy to follow her, she bolted off toward the acres ahead of them to try and cut off the impending inferno before it could cause a catastrophe.

Derpy decided to stick with Lawrence, partially due to his top speed being slower than either of the pegasi, and partially due to not wanting to get in the way of a blazing alicorn.

Lawrence decided to send a warning to Nefarious, just in case Qwark was coming his way. Reactivating the communicator, he began to relay his message.

“Sir, I thought I should inform you that-”

“Not now, Lawrence! I’m playing ‘Go Fish’ with Fluttershy.”

“What? But sir, it’s abo-”

“LAWRENCE! I’m doing what you suggested and I’m currently being nice to a pony. Do NOT interrupt my nice time!”

Lawrence sighed, and shut down the communicator. On one hand, Nefarious being busy like this would easily curry favor with the locals, but on the other hand...Qwark was probably heading his way.

He shrugged before moving down the burnt trail, practicing his forehand and backhand along the way. He had a feeling Nefarious would need a good slap or two after this incident.

Comments ( 4 )

I was picking between which picture to put up
leragecomics.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Go-Fish-e1313738860784.jpeg
or
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Go_4c9e54_1314812.jpg
(Surprise, I used them both :trollestia:)

As for something relevant to the story, this can only get better :twilightsmile:

dat coverart whit the Captain qwark

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