Friendship is Qwarktastic

by Tired Old Man

WHAT?! You want me to live HERE?!

Author's Note:

As of this chapter, I'm currently tossing around a curious idea in my head. I'm currently unsure on if I want to go through with it, but if I do, it probably won't happen for some time.

As for what that idea is, I hint at it at the end of this chapter. Comments on it are appreciated.

That's all. Happy readings!

Nefarious angrily pointed toward a moss-covered cottage at the edge of a forest as they approached it. “WHY here? Are you afraid I’ll cause more trouble in the town, squishy?”

“Twilight! My name is Twilight!” she yelled in frustration.

“You’re ignoring my question, squishy,” Nefarious snidely remarked, emphasizing “squishy” as much as possible..

Twilight’s eye twitched. Her initial thought that Nefarious might be more tolerable than Qwark was quickly shattered by Nefarious’s insistence on calling her and her friends “squishies,” whatever that meant. What she did know was that he clearly meant it as an insult, but any attempts to get him to stop were only met with more insults.

This was the complete opposite of Qwark. While he made mistakes, he at least meant well in trying to adapt and remember details. Meanwhile, Nefarious was simply blatant and not caring about being corrected at all, even though he knew full well what her name was. It irritated her at how resilient he was.

She took a deep breath, deciding it was better to answer his question. “Nefarious, the owner of this cottage is one of the friendliest, kindest ponies I know.”

“Kinder than that orange pony who turned me away?”

“Her name is Applejack, and she turned you away because she saw something in you she didn’t like.”

“I’m a SUPERVILLAIN! That should be obvious!” Nefarious stomped on the ground angrily.

Twilight facehoofed. He was almost as terrible as Discord with how much he was irritating her.

“Nefarious, can you trust me on this please? I promise this will work.”

Nefarious merely crossed his arms and looked away. Twilight turned her head away from him as well, leaving him and turning to her thoughts. What made this “robot” creature so distrusting of ponies and Qwark? Why did he keep calling us “squishies”? Did that carry some deeper meaning than she was aware of?

“We’re here, squishy.”

Nefarious’s words snapped Twilight out of her thoughts as they stood in front of the door to the cottage. She knocked on the door immediately, then stood back and waited for a response.

The door opened slowly, revealing a pale yellow pony with a long pink mane covering one of her eyes.

“Twilight?”

“Hello Fluttershy. I brought a-”

“Eep!” Fluttershy squeaked as she looked at the strange blue bipedal creature towering over her. She quickly shut the door.

Nefarious huffed, and eyed Twilight with a look of pure, unfiltered skepticism. She responded by glaring back at him before knocking on the door once again.

“Fluttershy, please, his name is Doctor Nefarious, and he needs help.”

Nefarious glared at her. “I need help?!”

Before Nefarious could go off on another tirade, Fluttershy opened the door and flew out, immediately asking questions about Nefarious as she flew around and inspected him carefully.

“Oh, is he injured? Has he been involved in an accident?”

“No. He’s-” Twilight started to explain.

Fluttershy noticed a small scar on his face across his right eye, continuing up into a crack in his green-tinted dome about a third of the way up.

“Oh, you poor thing! What happened to you?” Fluttershy asked.

Nefarious’s gears in his head ground against each other as he recalled a painful memory of Ratchet lobbing a grenade at his face that exploded less than two feet from his face, causing his hideous scarring and his red eye to loosen from its socket.

“Ratchet,” he spat.

“Ratchet?” Twilight and Fluttershy echoed at the same time.

---------------------

Lawrence’s jam session had continued for what felt like hours. By now the music had spread far beyond the entrance to the Music Emporium (Vinyl hooked up speakers during a small break period and had set them outside), and it had caught the ears of many ponies passing by. Soon enough, a crowd had formed outside the store as they eagerly got swept away to the tune of Lawrence’s nimble fingers and Vinyl’s drumming.

All good things must come to an end, however, as Lawrence decided to finish with a solo that melted the crowd outside into a frenzy. Their cheering was so loud it cracked the storefront window outside.

Vinyl was sweating by the end, her mane slightly frazzled as she rocked her heart out on the drum set. While Lawrence showed no signs of fatigue (a robot’s stamina is never to be underestimated), he noticed that Vinyl was getting tired and ended things early.

This was an important thing he remembered, considering that his previous band had an amazing lead guitar who happened to be an odd organic Mystic from another galaxy. They were very deep and introspective, which Lawrence ignored basically the entire time, but the Mystic could do things with his guitar that baffled him at the time, yet were amazing to watch nonetheless.

It would be a few minutes as Lawrence put away the bass guitar where he found it, and once the crowd realized the music had ended, they slowly dissipated away from the store to resume their day.

“Whew...that was a rush,” Dash spoke, blown away by a performance that, in her opinion, was super-awesome and cool!

…not as cool as her, though. She was still pretty awesome.

Derpy clapped her front hooves together in applause, shouting, “Encore! Encore!”

Lawrence looked at Vinyl, who was breathing deeply and frequently. She was in no condition to continue, and that could be seen plain as day.

“I’m sorry miss Derpy, but I’m afraid that will be all for today.”

“Yeah, huff...I’m pretty beat. You know how to play...whatever you are,” Vinyl said.

“I’m a robot, miss Scratch, and you may call me Lawrence.”

Vinyl straightened up, her breathing less frequent as she began to get her second wind. “Lawrence, huh? Cool name, sounds sophisticated...but kinda groovy.”

“Well, I am a butler, so some level of sophistication and etiquette is expected,” Lawrence stated.

“And yet you play some awesome rock n’ roll,” Vinyl countered.

Lawrence shrugged. “I may be proper, but I dabble in rebellious actions from time to time.” -he gestured to Derpy and Dash- “These two can attest to that.”

Both of the mares snickered as they realized what he meant by that. Vinyl tilted her head to the side, wondering what was so humorous, but decided not to pursue it. She needed to ask Lawrence something else anyway.

“Hey, you happen to be looking for a way to kill more time? If so, I’ve actually got a few music gigs lined up this month, and I think you’d be perfect!”

Lawrence pondered on this opportunity. A chance to be in a band again would do wonders to vent the stress of working for Doctor Nefarious, AND it would give him time away from his employer so that he can indulge in his favorite hobby.

But...what if Nefarious truly needed him for some dire emergency? His communicator was broken, and if Nefarious was in grave danger...Lawrence both smiled and shuddered at the thought of losing his long-time employer.

“...I’m sorry, miss Scratch, but I must decline. I have a previous arrangement with my employer demanding that I come at his beck and call. So long as my communicator is broken,” -he pressed a switch on his arm, which opened a panel nearby revealing a fried mess of wires and circuitry inside- “I need to be within earshot of him so that I might perform my duties admirably.”

Vinyl brought a hoof to her chin in thought for a moment before she flashed a large smile. “Hey, what if I could fix it? I’m pretty good at wiring things together to get them working again.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t insist on that, Miss Scratch. I’m afraid I don’t have anything to compensate you with for such a task,” Lawrence responded.

He immediately assumed the bolts he carried were worthless here. Though he did not know the currency of his land, it was safer to think his currency had no exchange rate here considering they didn’t even know what robots are.

She seemed to brush off the notion of paying her, however. “Aw, don’t sweat it! After that performance you just gave, I think I owe you one!”

Lawrence was confused. His music...was a form of currency? Not only that, it was a currency this pony was willing to accept?

While he thought about how that even worked as a medium of exchange, Vinyl began inspecting his arm, and noted the components that needed repairs or replacement as necessary.

“Alright Lawrence, I’ve figured out what I need to get that communicator of yours working again. Just give me a minute to get my tools, okay?”

Lawrence finally came to the conclusion that her offering was one of simple generosity, as that sounded much more logical than music equaling out as a form of currency. That sounded incredibly backwater and naive, even for this technologically inferior land.

He gladly accepted the offer when Vinyl returned with tools in her magical grasp, knowing full well that would allow him the additional freedom that he had always enjoyed...in exchange for the occasional long-distance call from Nefarious. He easily believed that the benefits far outweighed the one disadvantage of dealing with his employer.

Her smile widened in response, and she set to work immediately.

----------------

Twilight had been persistent, but outside of the name Nefarious uttered, he refused to divulge any information about the one called “Ratchet.” This infuriated her, for it sounded like whoever this “Ratchet” was, they seemed capable of easily keeping a close eye on Nefarious. Furthermore, they might be able to get Qwark, Nefarious, and Lawrence back to their own galaxy without any more trouble happening as a result of their stay in Equestria!

Nefarious was firm on keeping his metal lips shut on the matter, however. He had completely regretted saying the name of the nemesis that had given him FAR more trouble than Qwark ever had. The LAST thing he wanted was Ratchet and Clank coming to this world and destroying his plans for galactic domination...AGAIN!

Fluttershy, however, was much more caring and concerned for Nefarious’s well-being. Although she did not know who this “Ratchet” was, she could easily tell how much the name flustered the robot, despite the limited expressions he could give due to having a rigid face.

She had let Twilight pursue her questioning of Nefarious about Ratchet for some time, but when it became very clear that he didn’t want to talk, she intervened.

“Twilight, that’s enough. I believe Nefarious needs some time alone,” Fluttershy stated with finality.

Twilight wanted to object, but she relented...for now. “I suppose so. Fluttershy, can you watch over Nefarious now that you’ve looked him over?”

Fluttershy brought a forehoof to her chin in thought for a moment. “Why, yes, I can do that Twilight --” Nefarious shot her a glare that made her recoil in fear “-- I-If that’s okay with him…”

Nefarious merely huffed in response, but didn’t refuse as he stomped into Fluttershy’s cottage. Twilight sighed in relief, taking that action as a “yes” before departing to leave those two alone. She had other business to tend to in town anyway; In particular, she needed an update on that robot servant of his, Lawrence. She had not seen him since escorting Qwark and Nefarious out of Ponyville, and wanted to see if Rainbow Dash and Derpy were making sure that he wasn’t causing any trouble.

As soon as Twilight teleported away in a flash of magenta light, Fluttershy closed the door and looked toward Nefarious, who was sitting on the sofa in the main room. His eyes were darting around, taking in the spacious surroundings around him.

Then his eyes fell on Fluttershy, who was staring at him with curiosity present in her eyes.

“Is something wrong, squishy?”

Fluttershy played with her hooves nervously. “Um...did-did you want something to eat?”

Nefarious raised a metal eyebrow before breaking out into a fit of evil laughter.

“Eat? Hah, that’s rich!”

Fluttershy tilted her head. “You mean you don’t have to eat?”

Nefarious scoffed, “Robots aren’t squishy organic lifeforms! WE are not limited by the banal needs of sleep, drink, or hunger!”

Fluttershy gasped. A creature that didn’t require food, water, or bedrest? Why, any other animal she knew that didn’t get any of the three for some time would be…

“You...you shouldn’t be alive,” she squeaked out, beginning to take a few steps back in fear.

“Wrong, squishy. I’ve never felt more ALIVE!” Nefarious cackled.

Again, Fluttershy tilted her head. “You mean...you weren’t always like this?”

This time, it was Nefarious’s turn to tilt his head. “What makes you think that, squishy?”

“I-it was just the way you spoke, Doctor Nefarious. You made it sound like something happened to make you what you are now.”

Nefarious pursed his metal jaw for a moment. This squishy was more perceptive than he thought.

“...you’re correct. I was once an organic, just like you.”

“What happened?” she asked.

Nefarious felt his loose eye twitch involuntarily move around in its socket. “QWARK happened.”

--------------------

“Whew, finally done!” Qwark wiped the sweat off his brow before looking behind him to admire the work he and Applejack had accomplished.

Applejack did not expect Qwark to harvest apples as fast as he did, but once he got that weird-looking chopping pattern down, he was moving from tree to tree at a rate that could rival her own on a harvest day that wasn’t during Applebucking Season.

She didn’t like the little dents he had put in the trees, though. He was still hitting the trees a little too hard, but she didn’t have time to complain about it when more than half the orchard still needed to be cleaned out. Now that it was all over, though…

“I must say, ya did a fine job Qwark.”

“Thanks, Applejack! All in a day’s work for a superhero like me.” Qwark flourished and struck another heroic pose, forcing Applejack to roll her eyes in response.

At least he’s not as bad as Trixie, she had to remind herself.

“Yeah yeah. Come on ya jolly green giant, we still got apples to store.”

Qwark broke his pose. “Hey, the little dragon thing called me that too! Do I really look that massive?”

“Honestly, ya do. Only creature I know that’s as big as you would be a manticore, and I don’t like bein’ around something as ferocious as that.”

“Manticore?” Qwark asked.

“It’s this big ol’ lion with bat wings and a scorpion tail. You’ve never encountered somethin’ like that where you’re from, Qwark?”

“Nope, but Applejack, if you’ve seen the monsters I have seen, a flying cat with a stinger would be the least of your worries.”

Applejack thought she had a faint idea of who he was alluding to. “You mean that Nefarious fella, right?”

Qwark was actually thinking about the Protopet, a blue puffball with two eyes and a red dot antenna sticking out from its head. He had tried to use a Helix-o-thingy on it to save the Bogon galaxy from a threat that he had created (those were desperate times in his superhero career) using them. It was supposed to make every Protopet he sent to every corner of the Bogon galaxy completely docile --when at the time they were violent and ravenous-- but it backfired as it made the Protopet he used it on gigantic, the size of over twenty of him, and its first response was to swallow him whole. That was not an experience he wanted to remember.

...and to think all he had to do to avoid that situation was to make sure the batteries were set into that Helix doohickey properly (he had put them in backwards)!

Although...to be fair, he wouldn’t have had experienced the joys that would come from the Crotchitizer if that didn’t happen, so everything balanced itself out in the end.

“Qwark? Qwark, are ya there?” Applejack asked, breaking Qwark’s train of thought.

“Oh...uh, yeah, let’s go with Nefarious,” Qwark answered half-heartedly.

Applejack raised an eyebrow. She had a feeling he wasn’t thinking about Nefarious. He would have answered much sooner if that was the case, so he had to be thinking about someone...or something else.

Qwark was keen on avoiding such conversation about the dark times of his past, however. He hastily scooped up three half-barrels of apples and made his way towards the Apple Family Homestead. “Come on, Applejack! These apples aren’t going to move themselves!”

Applejack shook her head. As much as she wanted to know what had caused Qwark to get so lost in his head, she had a deadline to meet. “Right behind ya, Qwark!” She had stacked two half-barrels on her back and carefully made her way through the orchard, catching up to Qwark as they reached her home.

-----------------

Meanwhile, in the Solana galaxy…

In a small fighter-class starship dubbed the Aphelion, a lombax and his small robotic sidekick scoured the remains of Nefarious’s destroyed star cruiser.

“Aphelion, analyze the debris for signs of spacial distortion,” the lombax spoke.

As Aphelion began scanning the debris, the lombax called Ratchet desperately looked among the debris himself for any signs of Captain Qwark.

“Ratchet, I am not certain that Qwark is alive,” the small robot spoke.

“Don’t say that, Clank! He’s survived an explosion like this before, remember? He even had time to get to his hideout on an asteroid!” Ratchet’s voice was angry, but shaky as a slight bit of fear was present in his words.

“I know, Ratchet. However, we must consider the option that he may have truly passed on. I know you do not like it, but it’s an equally probable conclusion to these events.”

Ratchet slammed his hands on the dashboard. “Clank, can’t you sound optimistic instead of apathetic right now?”

Clank placed his small hand on Ratchet’s. “I am merely pointing out the possibilities...but I wish to believe that Qwark is alive, too.”

Ratchet looked at his friend and smiled, before Aphelion beeped to life with a response.

“Spatial distortion detected. Origin: Unknown. Destination: Unknown.”

Ratchet smiled at first, but it quickly faded. That could mean that Qwark was alive...but they didn’t know where he ended up. He could have been ejected into space somewhere else, or even to some other planet in another galaxy entirely. The chances of finding him now are slim to none.

Ratchet hung his head in defeat. “We’re never going to find Qwark, then. There’s no telling when or where he is now.”

Clank chimed in. “I wouldn’t be so sure, Ratchet.”

Ratchet lifted his head up and turned to look at Clank. “What do you mean?”

“We still have the Dimensionator,” Clank stated with confidence.

“It’s broken, remember? I don’t even know how to fix it.”

Clank smiled. “When has that ever stopped you from ‘winging’ it?” Clank laughed at his own joke, remembering the time when Ratchet had attached high-flying Levitator wings to him without giving the supplied instructions more than a passing thought.

At this, Ratchet laughed softly, and his confidence had resurfaced. “Thanks, buddy. Looks like we’ve got a Dimensionator to repair.”

Comments

[Evowizard25]

Ratchet's coming? Sweet.

Great chapter all in all.

[Cryptic Psyche]

Okay, this story is brilliant, but my inner nitpicker just won't shut up about this. Ratchet is unwilling to repair/use the Dimensionator to find the Lombaxes, but is now about to do this for QWARK? I'm sorry, but I really think that's a massive stretch, even by R&C standards.

That said, your story is brilliant. I have liked, favourited and am eagerly awaiting more.

[Tired Old Man]

3938591
Woohoo, thanks for the fav!

As for why Ratchet's willing to use the Dimensionator for Qwark, well...he's family.

At the end of Nexus, Ratchet refuses to use the Dimensionator to find the Lombaxes because he's already got a family where he is right now. The Lombaxes aren't his family anymore, or at least he doesn't consider them to be his family now.

After all, he has Talwyn, he has Clank, he has Qwa-

Er, he's stuck with Qwark, but that's his new family. Qwark's probably the uncle that was twice removed due to his ridiculous antics, but he's still family.

And people do crazy things for family these days...

[Unoriginal]

I award you a moustache for your brilliant (and somewhat hilarious) piece of writing

Good day to you sir, and I hope to see even more from you in the future.

[Serefin]

I hope Nefarious never reveals how he broke his eye. That would cause everypony to ask too many questions regarding technology.

[Szarekh The Necron Lord]

Nefarious, Rhahahaha.

[Aurora Aksnes]

Fuck yes.. Ratchet time

(Oh god im near the end where this great story dies)