This story is a sequel to Fallout Equestria: Viva Las Pegasus
While Farsight and his group are playing the big leagues, they seem to forget about the humble New Pegasian. Enter Brawny Boulder, veteran wastelander and OG turned guard under the newly formed New Pegasus City Council. Being such a... gifted individual, Boulder and his young ward Desert Sundown are assigned to high profile tasks such as guarding important people, and many more. However, it seems that Boulder and Sundown have a past that haunts them, and it might just come back to bite them in the flanks.
[Changed the name, because to be frank, the pun sounded so much better in my head. But on the advice of a trusted adviser, it makes the story look kind of unprofessional. Yeah, but still, same old story.]
This story happens in the same universe as "Fallout Equestria: Viva Las Pegasus" and has a lot of references to it. I suggest you read that before this one.
Looking very good so far
I'd love to see where this leads to!
Nice, nice. Keep it up, I like your narrative style.
I swear, I am suffering a total feel overflow. I somehow saw it coming, but yet... It's really touching. Carry on, you're doing fine.
3790993 O MAI, thank you sempai!!!
Kyaaaa, sempai noticed me again!!!
static2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120728030319/mlp/images/4/46/Sweetie_Belle_pleased_with_herself_S2E23.png
(Man you have to fucking love Sweetie Belle.)
I wanted the feels to go round and round for this thing. I had an outline for a backstory of this guy, but it turned out to be different. Sundown's is also gonna be a nice one in my opinion. I hope I can make it as good as it sounds in my head though.
3791048 It's great. I saw the twist coming, but it shook me anyway. Small little advice, though:
- Have your work checked by an editor to avoid typos and layout stuff. The mistakes can ruin a great story by scaring people off.
- Don't analyze each chapter in the Author's notes. Keep your plans to yourself and let the readers be surprised with each new chapter. Use the notes only if strictly necessary to clarify something.
Wow, this gets better every time. You're giving depth to my world in a way I had never imagined. Good work!
3796612 I find it perfect. After all, that's the point of building a world. Others can profit from it. Kkat did it, and now I'm trying to mimic that.
Standoff and the word Intelligence can't go in the same sentence.
3796618 Yeah, point taken, haha! Oh, and I deleted the previous comment because I forgot my classic tradition when it comes to talking with you, but I suppose I could put it now...
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/092/6/1/sweetie_belle___cutie_bell_by_kooner01-d4upufu.png
"Oh, sempai noticed me again in class today. Kyaaaah!!
Thank you sempai!
3796624 Hahaha, you know you can edit comments, right?
A little bit too fast paced but still good
Very good. Keep it up... maybe work in the pacing for a bit longer, that is all.
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3801849
Note taken, thanks! I'll try to improve the next chapter! God fucking dammit if I wasn't visitin the houses of some poor kids I could get to work on the next chapter.
Not bad. Check the bold lettering and the centered paragraphs, though.
3817254 Fixed! Thanks for the heads-up, sempai.
3818605 No problem. That's why I recommend you find yourself someone that can edit your work prior to publishing.
Not bad at all! I like where this is going. The Rose's Thorn... me likey.
Small tip: I've noticed some typos here and there. Find yourself somebody to have your work polished!
3837195 I really want to. I really really want to. Unfortunately, that's against my country's belief. I'm from the Procrastination Nation, hahaha! And besides, I lost the doc you initially gave me.
3837591 Forget the doc, head to the IRC at Fallout Equestria Resource and ask for help there. Being such short chapters, you'll find somebody.
Some typographical errors in this, as well as the first.
At first I had wondered why they were being looked into for such positions.
I mean, why would they want an intelligence operative prone to excessive force?
But I suppose being related to Metronome, and being vouched for by on of the Council's high-ranking members, could be enough incentive to overlook his sketchy methods.
Still, why would they be told about a taskforce not yet created, one I can only assume to be clandestine in nature, especially if they hadn't run thorough background checks?
A few plot things I wish to point out.
Just looking it over to see if I want to lend a hand.
It has potential.
...
Hnngh.
...
Typographical errors, a bit of odd word choice, a few formatting errors.
...
A blatant Breaking Bad reference.
...
I can't say I hate it.
3843954
Yeah, I realize that the plot is a bit religious, (haha, hole-y) and that the word choice is pretty weird when I look back at it. Anyway, first story being written, I have a lot to learn, so thanks for the advice!
And that Breaking Bad reference? Yeah, bitch.
Right, I should really work on my word play. Copy that.
Interesting developments. Keep up the good work!
3863946 Thanks Sempai!!! I hope to make you proud one day master.
3870104 You will, don't worry.
Nice transition chapter, and I'm glad to see new characters appear, like Xarin. Don't worry about the block, sometimes you have to write small pieces like this to help you walk out of it.
Also, watch out for the formatting issues (centered, odd line breaks).
3943686 Aww, dammit. What's the deal with translating from google docs? Format's all wrong.
3944032 I would suggest copy-pasting and formatting instead of importing. Otherwise, the import messes up the format of the text.
The chapter is good. Really good, actually. Not content-heavy, but it helps build the world and give the characters of the story flesh and credibility. Boulder strikes as a very relatable (even if traumatized and psychotic) individual, and Sundown falls head over heels for Rose. Ain't he cute. I enjoyed this one, very much actually, and I think you're getting better as you write. Keep it up!
Lore note: At some point after the Wedding, the Followers drop the messianic crap and rename themselves the Healers' Guild. You might want to check if your story happens before or after that.
Also, the author's note with the hotdogs made me crack a laugh. Don't lose hope, though. It's a tough world out there, believe me, but you'll get viewers and feedback if you head for the right people. Why don't you hit the commenters in my fic and show them your work? Oh, and I am not your master. I'm just a bloke whose work inspired you to write your own. Inspiration, maybe, but not master. Kkat's not my master anyway.
3964072 Fixed the thing with the Followers!
And of course I'd use the term 'master,' because 'sempai' might be too overused to the point that it wouldn't mean anything anymore... Of course, I could've used the term 'mentor,' or 'coach' or 'adviser' or 'senior' but, you know, I'd like to look up to you as the Qui-Gonn Jinn to my Obi-Wan Kenobi, with our writing creativity being the Force and our lightsabers being our figurative pens blazing with our ideas, and Obi calls Qui-Gonn 'master,' therefore... you know, it seems right to call you 'master' not in the sense as a 'boss', but in the pretense of 'mentor'. In turn, Kkat must be Yoda.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0zpkk0WCL1qjq2bmo1_500.png
Anyway, thanks for the words of encouragement! Though the mixture of my idolization of you + the encouraging words and the low self-esteem nagging in my head is rather volatile, this is great. You've kept me going all this time, so I really can't thank you enough!
3964117 No problem. However, do keep this in mind: you do this for fun, not to become popular or to feel bad because your fic doesn't spawn much attention. Believe me, I do have some seriously low self-esteem, but as soon as I realized that I was writing for myself, things began to flow easier. Then, if other people like what you write, better for you. If they don't, you've lost nothing because you've had a good time.
Still, I understand your point with the word 'master', but please, don't idolize me, it makes me feel uncomfortable
We're all equals here, and we should treat each other as such. Otherwise, it can become a bit awkward.
3964126 Fine, I understand. I'd feel creeped out if some random idiot started calling me 'master'. But the term 'sempai' stands, as it is a term of respect, but not to the point of idolization. It stays, no negotiations. Unless, of course, you want to begin negotiating, but I warn you, I'd have to call in Dinky and the Negotiator-mobile... th00.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2013/158/b/6/wallpaper__wot_mlp_crossover__screen_2__by_crasydwarf-d5ewgts.png
And yeah, I did begin writing for self-creativity and passion, and I still do, but the lack of views are still kind of demoralizing to some point... CHAPTER ELEVEN, HERE I COME!!!
*EDIT: SHIT I MEANT DITZY! Fuck, such an amateur mistake.
3964139 Hell yeah, that's a way to enforce negotiations! Ditzy on a KV-2!
Views will come eventually, so don't worry about them. Work hard, write and have fun while writing, that's the very point. Tell the story you want to tell! Once you've done that, you can worry about the views and the feedback!
Well, that chapter made me laugh quite a few times. You know, parts like these make me like the story. It is, indeed, a tale of the humble individuals of New Pegasus. Keep it up!
I find the usage of words from my own fic here completely justified. After all, your story and mine happen in the same instant of time, and the words used by Dee are the same in both cases. You're getting better, slowly but safely.
I'd recommend watching out for tense coherence. Sometimes you jump from present to past, then back to present.
4005136 Oh, you mean how I use the tenses with the verbs when they speak sometimes? Yikes, I must've missed that. Thanks!
And wait, you WON'T sue me for plagiarism? Well, 3 months of English classes at school just went here upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/06/Toilet_with_flush_water_tank.jpg
4005371 Keep a look at it.
Welp, no problem.
I'm a guard. Celestia knows why we need to guards because one, nothing ever happens anymore and two, we have a bunch of robots with giant lasers prancing around.
I hear ya buddy. I do think VLP toned down some on the action when Farsight took charge of the city.
...
Possible love story between Sundown and Rose (my fav character of VLP)? *puts on a pair of sunglasses and sits on a couch, eating popcorn* this gonna be good
I don't get it. The cover art depicts Boulder as a colt, but he is older than Metronome, who clearly was an adult in VLP. Im confused...
Augh, that back story makes me cry so! Gets me right there *points to heart, realizes he is a Time Lord so he has two hearts so he points to both hearts*
Yeah that short speech Boulder gave to Metronome felt rather.. expository? I will forgive that though, because this back story secures Metronome as my 2nd fav female character in VLP. It's all about development! :)
4321973 Thanks! It's finally good to have a
secondthird opinion on the matter. Finally got a laptop again, so I might begin writing once more!Isn't this more of a midquel than a sequel?
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It's more of a sidefic. It doesn't continue the story in anyway but it shows a different side of the story.
(This is harder than it sounds because I have to make big events leading up to the events of the original and I can't make anything too huge because it was never mentioned in the original.)
Excuse me if I am wrong but isn't Rose an adept healer so why would they head the Healers Guild?
Too detailed, I learned a lot
coloring pages
Thanks for your helpful information. I have been struggling to find many questions about this issue Thankyou
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