I just recently started to write stories directly towards the FiM actively, though I have been writing for years, publishing numerous stories at Mibba and the eventual pony story, as far as to the MLP
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Going to a convention is fun. Who wouldn't enjoy; so far as it is a convention, on a theme of your choosing. In this case, it is My Little Pony. Just like that; I went, and here I am.
What I didn't know; is who was behind the convention, in the first place. Should I have been worried, suspicious or rushing in, trying to pull friends with me?
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How come the hate? Anyways, this looks promising! Like and fav!
4284067 My best reason, they got disapointed on the follow-up chapters.
by the looks, it was a wise choice to pull them back to go over them.
if you only see the first, new chapter, you can judge it based on where my writing is right now, rather then where it was, months ago.
4284098
Why does this exist?
Ohmyhoshohmygoshohmygosh! I love this allready! Please update soon!
4284123 on the one hoof, because I wrote and published it here.
on the other hoof, I unpublished chapters that wasn't up o the standard of what the story could be liked for.
following up on statistics of votes, supports what I thought.
the first chapter works, while the following didn't.
4284333 Who are you, William Shatner? Easy with the commas.
4284354
he isn't a native English speaker, so he is at least trying to use English correctly.
4284354 Sorry, not everyone is named "William", Shatner, Shakespear or otherwise.
Maybe I'm more like a certain Isaac?
4284506 Alright, my apologies. I had no idea your first language wasn't English.
4284489 Thanks.
Counter to what certain people try to make it out to be,
we apparently have numerous people and ponies who aren't Naive to America or English at this site.
4284540 it's ok, and I make a point out of not making it an exxuse for the quality of my stories.
My origin doesn't make me a particularly better or worse writer then others.
I just hope people will enjoy the story I'm writing.
Me again. I'm going to straight up point out a flaw in the way you write so you understand why you don't have many likes.
This is the first two paragraphs of your story, honestly the context is lacking and that's what makes it ultimately boring. Your character woke up early in the morning and then ate breakfast...well this is obviously pinkie pie, but the way this is portrayed is so general that I honestly was lost the moment I realized they were in the same house. You have no situational awareness in the places you place your characters. Hell Pinkie Pie isn't in Sugar cube corner in this scene I listed. In fact, she's not anywhere familiar. Know why? Because you forgot to tell us details about her ACTUALLY waking up, getting out of bed, looking around, going out her bedroom door, walking down the hall bouncing down the stairs, into the kitchen, grabbing orange juice, then drinking it. You just stated "this is what happened" and continued like it wasn't a problem. But when you do things like that the reader is REQUIRED to know something about where they were. Unfortunately we didn't have that.
You missed a lot of information because you rushed through that. The entire chapter is actually a full repeat of this problem. What you should do is try to do something extremely difficult...writing every possible detail.
"Pinkie Pie wakes up, yawning loudly she puts her hoof over her mouth and lifts up her head to be upright in her bed. She stretches her hooves over her head and sits upright. Pinkie gives a soft tired smile while she anticipates the start of a new fun filled day, full of responsibility to her friends and the townsfolk of ponyville to make them smile. She moves her hind hooves out from under her bed and turns to her left to face her room filled with party décor and pink items. The early morning sun lightened the room only slightly, allowing the colors to be more noticeable but still dull without the direct sunlight. Each color seemed to be a dull shade of pink, or other lighter colors like blue, green, and yellow. Most of which came from the balloons that were stuck on her ceiling. And the more deflated ones that fell to the floor. She pushed off her bed and landed on all four hooves. They made a clack as they hit the ground."
Now reply to my comment, but when you do try to write the part where she goes to the front door and walks down the hallway. Try to imitate the detail I put down above. If you're able to at least follow my example then there's a very good chance that you could write stories that can make it to featured with HALF the amount of detail I just listed. Try to think of the items she "might" pass by. I said "party décor" in my sentence so try to imagine what else Pinkie has in her room other than balloons. Also she need's to interact with the door to go into the hallway. Keep in mind the colors are dull because of the sun only barely coming in through the window, so it's a little dark but no so much so that it will interfere with her vision.
And when you're done, make the comment replying to mine. (don't worry about it taking a few days, the first time I did something like this it took a full week to finish the chapter).
Oh just get her to the staircase, then I'll take over and write the part when she goes down the stairs and into the kitchen to get orange juice, then we'll see from there ok?
REMEMBER! IF YOU ARE ABLE TO SUCCESSFULLY DO THIS THEN YOU WILL BE ABLE TO BE AMONGST THE BEST AUTHORS ON THE GOD DAMN SITE!
don't feel ashamed if you can't do it the first time.
4683066 The 'Prologue' was pressed into serice a bit too hasty in order to explain how the story is to fit with MLP.
Ah yeah, this story isn't exactly the most popular of my stories, I can give you that.
It does look bare, now as you put it that way, once I have had the time to give it a second look.
I try to address this issue as best I can right away, in hopes it will explain a few things aside from making it a more interesting read, while I am at it.
Affording the photos lining my walls a glimpse, reminding me of countless precious moments in my past, all the way back to my very first party, the one awarding me the three balloons on my flanks. Happily ignoring the bed stand, momentarily smiling at the wardrobe, holding all my famous party décor and other festive and amusing toys or comedy gimmicks I had gathered under the many years as the one party pony of Ponyville.
I made a few adjustments to the beginning of the chapter, if I find anything I can make better later, I'll slip in more changes along the way.
How long the chapter will take to go over depends on how many times it takes to reach the end of the chapter.
I could write a chapter twice or thrice as long in a matter of hours.
I just try to do my bnest at each and every time I add something to a story, though I would have enjoyed a somewhat warmer reaction from time to time.
If you do find a story, anywhere near as good as that, I would love to hear about it.
There are a few things in the show that feels a bit fuzzy.
I just had to think back at the scenes where this particular building had been in view. Pinkie Pride does show her passage as she came back home from that Party, if I'm not entirely mistaken.
ok came back and saw the improvement in your writing, honestly I'm happy with how it's beginning to take shape.
We still got a long way to go...or short if you've got the drive. I'll be back to review your characters. Like I said last time, I've got a lot of things bothering me.
Very nice wording, however I can't help but notice that the tangent here is so intense that I loose track of pinkie's placement in the hallway. It's more because you forgot to specify that pinkie is walking down the hallway, just that she's admiring the photos.
The momentum you had in the beginning was lost when you stopped going into detail here. Honestly if you're doing this because you wanted me to give you the next example then you should have replyed to my comment. Anyway she needs to search for the fridge more, and also take notice of the cash register and all the darkened treats in the glass seals, as well as maybe a few tossed out that need to be re-baked. (that's how a sweet shop works, cakes can be kept longer because they're kept in separate glass displays and the frosting insulates them. The rest aren't as lucky and need to be rebaked every day) So yeah just remember those little details.
This...is the biggest problem I have with your story. NO TRANSITIONS! You literally hopped between Pinkie's point of view to Spikes. try just throwing down
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and continuing as a differen't person mate. Also there are busses in Equestria???? You realize there was a horse drawn carrage in TWO episodes of MLP, The Best Night Ever, the apple spell thing. And the Taxi that Assertive Fluttershy drove. Each pulled by ponies...SO FUCK YOUR LOGIC BRO!
"story" should be "store" I assume.
I....I don't even...what? We don't know what spikes doing, anything he says is out of context when it brings up a topic we learned nothing about.
Ok gotta say, your dialog sucks, also I only barely understand what's going on. Spike wants to send something through the mail. Also you seem to have trouble setting scenes in very short amounts of time. Just saying "Spike walked into a dusty post office with grey walls and an equally gray stallion at the desk" is really all the detail you need to describe. Hell even for short filler characters that you at least interact with ONCE need to be described well. Also try not to throw your readers for a loop by making them try to understand what the character is doing without explaining the basic concept. It CAN be interesting if we have other character trying to do the same thing and winding up with a whole misunderstanding that adds to the comic relief of the scenario, but we don't have that here so the message becomes pretty boring.
This is all I need to talk about for now. The rest you need to review and try to adjust yourself. Hopefully if you're able to fix the rest without my help, you'll become your own proof reader, and everything will be much easier for you. Specifically finding your own flaws and improving on them when able.
4704259 Thanks.
Just a small observation; 'Affording a Glimpse' is hardly the same as 'Admiring'?
I may have to go over this again, in order to tie it all up, once I have 'Completed' the chapter again.
Seems you got back before I had the time to go any further, but I do enjoy the suggestions and samples, everything you put into it in helping me making the story more then merely worth reading.
Ah yeah, guess I needed a reminder, since it isn't exactly what I do every day, though I can enjoy going to a café from time to time. There is a special logic to how i opperates. I am also a bit fuzzy on how this would work in Ponyville.
by the looks, you missed 2 critical details, it is neither Spike, not Equestria.
I use the Chapter-breaks for swapping PoV's. You did noice the refference to 'Bank-Notes'?
There is a refference to Twilight turning into a Human, when passing the gate to Canterlot High, if I am not entirely mistaken.
Spike would have been seen as a kid at best, no chance trading a pile of gems in a serious store?
Still, if you managed to miss it by that much, maybe there is something that needs to be done in order to prevent others to make the same set of mistakes?
If I am not mistaken, from what you read, I should have put up a Spike flag on the story, wouldn't you agree?
I hope my hints, details and refferences are not to subtle or coy for the main group of readers to catch on.
Oh but wait, the character and store still does deserve a few details to them, at the time of introduction, seems I managed to miss it.
Sorry, this isn't the Postal office.
the Prologue is supposed to set up the scene for a con she is booking.
Oh my gosh! I can't believe I missed this new chapter of awesomeness!
5125802 Thanks.
Now I just need to finish a new chapter for you to enjoy.
5125926
Yay!
I sas worried you'd cancel the story!
5126009 Thanks.
Not likely at this point, since I got past the moderators and have some support from you as readers.
Now I just need to come up with, how and where to move this further.
5131517
5131517
Yay! I just hate people doing that to their readers, ecen if few, just giving up on a story midway because of ratings or something, instead of writing for the few who enjoy it!
5131576 So long as the story feels sold and I have a few 'fans', that is more important than any amount of Neigh-Sayers and Trolls on the site.
It may take some time between updates, pending on inspiration and priority of life and other stories.
5131965
Respect!
What...what is this?
Why do I feel so uncomfortable?
Why am I still reading it?
And...WHY DO I WANT MORE??!!??
In all seriousness though, I'm interested in seeing where this ends up. Good luck in your futrure endeavors.