• Member Since 18th May, 2013
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

MrNelg


"You will be EXTERMINATED: With Lemons!"

T

While travelling home from a weekend in Manehattan, Fluttershy finds herself stranded and alone at an old abandoned train station. As she explores the ancient building, she soon discovers that this particular station isn't that abandoned, and her night quickly turns into a fight for survival.

Special Thanks to my dear and wonderful friends, Alcatraz, CrystalBronies, Hawkshadow and kotor511 for the terrific job of editing, pre-reading, prof-reading and general advice.

Review by PresentPerfect: Here
Audio Drama by Thronquill: Here

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 73 )

I like it. I'd say more but my phone has the worst auto correct that you've ever seen.

3772020

Get a better phone that doesn't hate on my editing XD

You know.. when Fluttershy was wondering what would be effective against a spirit I literally shouted out 'THE FIRE POKER! IT'S LIKELY MADE OF IRON!' straight up iron is one of the best defenses and offenses against spirits, contact with the iron object will cause the aforementioned spirit to stop manifesting itself for a period of time.
in other news... I very nearly gave an unmanly scream at the mention of the Glasgow grin... I hate that damn thing...
Sorry it took me so long to comment by the way:pinkiesmile:

The train rattled along west through the darkness of the forest, its shrill whistle pricing the other wise quite night air.

First sentence of the story itself and it has three spelling errors. I hate to sound like a prick, but the thing about entertaining others is that you need to capture their attention right from the very first sentence of the very first paragraph, or they'll just go away. This isn't a very good first impression, my friend.

And it especially stinks because the pitch you give for this sounds really good.

Christ... this is definitely a diamond in the rough. I'm not kidding, i was scared the whole time. Looking forward to next chaps.

togif.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/kane-clap.gif
Amazingly good story:moustache:

I was metaphorically crapping my pants the whole time:twilightoops:
:rainbowdetermined2:
I hope I don't have a dream like this tonight:pinkiesad2:

Hoo boy, for a classic ghost story, this one pulled me in with full rights to a 'schlorp' sound. This is solid, immersive narration, OP. Awesome stuff, and I'll be waiting for more.

Sure, there were a few grammar mistakes, but OH MY GOD. THIS STORY IS INCREDIBLE AND I SERIOUSLY NEED MORE! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FRIG IS IN THAT BATHROOM! You're writing is impeccable and it gave me chills from start to finish! Plus, you really kept Fluttershy in character, despite the really dark setting! Keep up the good work!!! :heart:::yay:

She felt her mind melting away into a sea of calm as her mussels relaxed.

I do believe you meant muscles in this sentence, didn't take much away from the story, though you should still fix it.

their skin rooting away to reveal mussel

Two mistakes here, rooting should be rotting and again mussel should be muscle, still pretty good though.

The can cluttered to the floor

A simple mistake here, I think you were trying to type clattered.

What ever the answer, it would be prudent to linger her any longer.

Again something else simple, would should be wouldn't and her should be here.

Over all, great expansion marred only by a couple of simple mistakes that barely if at all detract from the story, I look forward to the next installment MrNelg, you have me on the edge of my seat... I'd also if possible like a timeline of when the Station was built up to when Ratchet Gear(Luna rest his soul) tried to burn it down and how long ago it was compared to when Fluttershy arrived.

4004023 The time frame I'm looking at is between 80 to 90 years ago. I'm basing the years on our own Time line, hence why the station has an early 20th century feel to it. For a definite answer, It was built around the time trains were first introduced/invented in Equestria.
PS Thanks for pointing out the errors.

4004157 thank you for the clarification, anyway, like I said I look forward to Act III... Oddly enough over the past few days I've had dreams about Shadow Station, creepy as all buck, and quite frankly you've added another layer to what will be in those dreams with the addition of Act II.... And fuck... The glasgow grins on the fillies still creeps me the hell out... :trixieshiftright:

I shall read this and then go to bed:pinkiecrazy:

wish me luck

Okay. Let me ask, did you base this off the newer silent hill games or silent hill 2-4?

Because if it's the newer ones, congratulations on making a fic that's loyal to the material.

If not, then congratulations on completely missing the point of silent hill and psychological horror experiences.

4007741 I based the story on the Silent Hill Otherworld. IE, an alternate hell-like dimension containing monsters and ghosts. Hence why I said, "Silent Hill Style." Also, could you please explain how I missed the point of the psychological horror experience? That is what I'm trying to do, and telling me that i missed the point, rather than telling me how, doesn't help me improve my writing at all.

4007776

Yeah sorry bout that, I basically did what I hate myself.

What I find to a physiological experience is when the character undergoes serious mental instability (psychological) because they are faced with (in a horror story it's generally monsters) something about them that is either wrong or evil. But, the psychological part comes into it when it's symbolism, like, s y, a hooker would for example be faced with a bunch of burly monsters because those would symbolize how she had sinned if she was lost in a silent hill-like place. But personally why I think I was disappointed is a little different. It's really, and I do mean really hard to capture what made silent hill good in a written story. Because what made those games scary was not so much the story, but moreso the atmosphere. Which is excruciatingly hard to make work on paper.

I don't think going in with a mentality of "I'm gonna use something that worked for a completely different media in my new form of entertainment." Is good. Because it will look inferior to the product that was the original.

Horror in books is a lot more about build-up than it is atmosphere.

Take a look at something like Stephen king, because that's written horror that takes all the cakes and scares them shitless.

4009766

Yeah sorry bout that, I basically did what I hate myself.

Don't feel bad about it. The fact that you're apologising shows to me, you are a decent person. Every now and then, we slip; That can't be helped. It's how we pick ours selves up is what really counts.

What I find to a physiological experience is when the character undergoes serious mental instability (psychological) because they are faced with (in a horror story it's generally monsters) something about them that is either wrong or evil.

That makes sense. I'm a big fan of Japanese horror, and to quote Yahtzee, "Japanese approach to horror tends to be slow building, oppressive, emphasising the horror of being totally alone with something that hates you in a very passive-aggressive way." That's what I was trying to do with both Fluttershy and the audience.

Horror in books is a lot more about build-up than it is atmosphere.

That's what I tried to do. That's why I was really confused as to how it didn't work. Then again, it is your opinion and I've found you've explained it well. Therefore I will respect it. Again, thank you for being honest. It's exactly what I need.

4009841

Someone responds well to criticism! Fucking finally!

Also, more Zero Punctuation fans (:pinkiehappy:)

I love paranormal stuff so this was a very enjoyable read espically at 3 am. Have and up vote!:pinkiehappy:

Since I have not much to do in the near future, I shall do a dramatic reading of this. :pinkiesmile: Just thought I'd let you know MrNelg :rainbowwild:

4093129 Wow!:pinkiegasp: Thank you, and by all means, go for it. Do send me the link so that I can publish it on the front page. Now I have more of an incentive to hurry up and finish the next chapter.

4093734 do not rush yourself, I'd say go at a medium pace... Oh Luna why did that song suddenly pop into my head when I said that -.- *calmly starts beating head against a rock to get song out of head*

This was good. No, this was GREAT!!!
I love a good ghosty fic.

I'm holding my breath in anticipation for the next chapter!!!

:twilightoops::fluttershyouch::applecry::raritydespair:

I officially qualify this as the scariest story on this site. That's some ridiculously good J-horror you have going here, pal...

4007776
Very nice slow buildup Ghost Story. Pretty enjoyable to read, best when being all alone in your dark bedroom past midnight. It's good that you didn't overspan the gore factor, and rather went for the scare approach, strangely this whole stranded on a trainstation and the intake of the building really reminds me of Chihiro:trixieshiftright:, although there wasn't nearly as much scaryness involved.
What I do find awkward though, is the fact that Fluttershy, the most cowardly pony in equestria, seems to take this all in relatively good stride. Sure she is scared as you describe her, but even Applejack would probably *pardon my language* shit more bricks in a situation like that than 'your' Fluttershy, considering the loneliness and helplesness in that situation. Although the part with her bladder bursting really made me cry out in sympathy for her:fluttercry:.

The situation would be so terrifying to her that she could hardly move, always frozen in place shaking. Yes shaking, I mean we have the heartbeat, the sweat but it feels like there isn't enough mention of the increasing shakes:derpyderp2:. Just think about how she reacted on nightmare night alone. The black void sky she saw should have absolutely rendered her unable to move already, or at least she would have gone back into the train car, covering under a bank. She is a pegasus, they know the weather like no other, so a missing sky (no stars and no clouds) should be very, very disconcerting to her.
If I recall right, the building isn't even lit, at least the inner compartments, therefore being previously disconcerted by a missing nightsky, missing sounds of the night and a missing conductor... Yeah she wouldn't even have approached the building, rather stayed at the very decently lit train. She may have decided to search the building later though, but only after waiting in vain for 1-2 hours inside the train for the conducter to come back.

I don't say you didn't describe her reactions right, as you make her out to be more and more scared. But the intensity of her reactions, right from the start I might add, seems to be lacking a bit, aswell the duration of her being strongly affected by her fears, physically and mentally, meaning she isn't hesitant enough. I mean for example after her encounter with the spiders, she seems to recover fairly quickly from her shock, but shouldn't she linger on longer for what had happened? In utter stupor, fear and confusion? Or maybe she'd rather 'run' back to the train after that immediately.

My advice how to spice this up a bit, although it is already good as it is, would be:
1. Let her linger on longer inside the train, and make her wait for the conductor, try to include her thinking more thoroughly about the missing sky, and make her shake in her seat (or under it)
2. Raise the intensity of her fears a bit, involve more running out of the building from the start.
3. Make her more hesitant when approaching something, try to include the thought that she'd rather not want to do it.

The way you display the whole situation (reactions, thoughts etc) could very well be enough for Trixie, Rainbow Dash or Rarity. But this is Fluttershy, meaning a big hauntingly trainstation is a big no no for her:fluttershysad:. That in turn means it would take her some time to bring up the courage to even consider going into the building. In the end of course she has no choice but to risk 'peaking' in, but after an experience like the one with the spider, she'd have to be much more frightened.:fluttershyouch:

Just my opinion, since long opinions and critic is what your story deserves. It is a very good read afterall.:scootangel:

Anyway you got yourself a like, a fav, and a new follower!:yay:

PS: For all who are reading this story, have some Dark Ambient music:

It made me turn around trice while reading chapter 1.

4093900, You and me both wish he'd finish the third chapter so you can do your dramatic reading.
4093734, I'm at your disposal for when you have the next chapter ready to proofread.

When is the next chapter coming out?

4722663 Sorry for the late update, but I am working on it. It's just that my life's been very busy lately, and It's left me very little time to write. Again, sorry.:applecry:

4726906 It's alright, take your time. I was just curious that's all.

Man this was amazingly super creepy.:twilightoops: Props dude, I was scared to read forward. This is a scary fic.

oh my god loved this cant wait for the third part:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

Oh my gosh! This is an amazing story, great detail and I love the suspense! :pinkiegasp: I can't wait for the next chapter!! :pinkiehappy:

One of these days, the third act to this story is finally going to show up. It may not be today, may not even be tomorrow, but eventually.

5065084

Expect it within a day or so. I'm currently half way through editing it as I type this.

Why must you post the new chapter right before economics:raritydespair:

It's been pretty damn long for me to not have read this.
Also, can I say that I called that ending, or at the very least how she'd get out of there? Too late, already did it! :raritywink:
I'd like to say more of this, really, anything, but I just can't find the words. There are very few things that I've read that'll make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Just to see the effect, I'm going to re-read everything later tonight, should be terrific.

Hello! I very much enjoyed your story, and I wanted you to know that I'm working on a dramatic reading for it. The first part can be found here, if you're interested:

5325841 Holy... Crap...! Wow. I mean, WOW!!!:pinkiegasp:

Thanks mate. I'm flabbergasted and honored. Again, wow: And thanks!!!!

Edit: Just finished listening to the first scene. You really do it justice.

Best read with ceremony from secret of mana playing in the background. Just about before the spiders.:raritydespair:

Not sure what I just read, but GOSHDANGITTHATWASAMAZING:yay:

Awesome story. I wonder what would happen if Fluttershy fell asleep here. She was brought here by sleeping (Partially at least) so maybe it would bring her back.

Or course it wouldn't be easy to sleep in a place like this.

This is worthy of a FRICK YEAH! What a great story!

Too amazing to describe with words. What a way to get over writer's block, huh? :twilightsmile:

Oh my word! This fanfic has a creep factor written all over it.

Had Kevin MacLeod's "House of Leaves" playing in the background during the spiders scene. (shudders) :raritydespair:

Can't wait to read more.
Ugh! I must of been reading too many books about haunted houses with its stories of murder, suicide, gore, and other gruesome and scary tales.

5749702 invasion of the body snatchers maybe

4009841 oh man is that creature a demon like pumpkinhead or something

I just finished reading this and it was breathe taking to say the least!

hmmmm................

.............I find the beginning suspicious. The first thing Fluttershy did was sleep and then she woke up to this place and the crew disappeared with no clear explanation whatsoever. Methinks this is a dream.

In the mean time, since this evil place is refusing to let her leave, she has no choice to brave the deepest darkness if she is to get out of there alive. First, she needs to find out who or what she is dealing with, the backstory, and what she could do to fight it to submission.

I will say, those little fillies gave me some big shivering creeps. *shivers* and then this line:

“You're a nasty pony.” Their voices echoed in a warped and impossibly deep base tone. “We don't like nasty ponies. You can play with him instead!”

I'm nervous to find out who they mean.

*SHIVERS* Damn, those creatures sure have creepy descriptions. Still, Fluttershy is in real trouble. She lost her iron, her wings are wounded, and now she is trapped in the bathroom with whatever the f*ck that thing is. *deep breathes* Hang in ther Flutters.

Bravo. Just bravo. This is how a horror story should be written. The ambiance, the build up, the sense of helplessness, the great use of the trope "nothing is scarier". I was greatly entertained and on edge throughout the story.

I have only two complaints:

1) It was never properly explained how Fluttershy got into the station in the first place, nor what happened to the train crew. That will always bug me.

2. Judging by what I heard from the youtube reading from Thornquill, I like the original better than the latest edited version better. At least I was able to make the comparison.

Anyway, two thumbs way up. :yay:

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