• Member Since 19th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen November 9th

Novus Draconis


Putting the emPHAsis on the wrong sylLAble since 1988


T

While on an annual errand, Rainbow Dash and Applejack are attacked. In an effort to save her friend, Applejack sacrifices her own life. When Death comes for her, she receives an unexpected offer. With the chance to find a way back to the life she loved, Applejack begins her work. But on the horizon looms a threat that even Death, itself, is powerless to stop.

Cover art nicked from Watermelonrat on Derpibooru.

Featured for a second time on 01/16/2015. All of my thanks!

Chapters (14)
Comments ( 207 )

Well, this looks promising... :pinkiesmile:

Let's see how you represent Death in your story! This I am eager to see.

Good story so far, Like and Fav'.

Hmm this first chapter sounds an awful lot like the start of upon wings of sacrifice by rated ponystar minus the appledash. Of course that story focused on shipping and this one is about the supernatural.

Applejack never gets the apples to the foals o.o

just like in Upon Wings Of Sacrifice.....maaaaaaan.........Im intrested

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3772552
Yes, you two do have a point. Wings of Sacrifice was part of the inspiration behind the story, but only to the degree that I needed a way for Applejack and Rainbow to be away from the farm (and only Rainbow because I needed a second for AJ and it was in the air between Dash and Rarity) and I liked how Ponystar did it.

Really hope that's not a problem.

3772635 I still like I ust like pointing things that are like others ^^ -nommed a cookie-

3772635
It's no problem at all that fic was awesome and it's cool that it inspired you :pinkiehappy: but what's the romance tag for if you don't mind me asking.:twilightsheepish:

3772764
Be patient. You'll see.

This reminds me of a series of fics posted on the sight back in September 2012 entitled "Seeing The Pattern". There was a 3rd one, but it never got off the ground. And I assume the author just gave up on the series, which is a shame considering how impressive it seemed. :twistnerd:

I know that this is not going to be the same, but it seems very intriguing to say the least. I await more updates. :eeyup:

Rainbow Dash is never gonna forgive herself for what happened. :fluttercry:

Rainbow groaned in her sleep and shifted. “Applejack,” she whimpered.

Applejack leaned in. “Ah'm here. Ah'm right here.”

“Don't go.”

The earth pony bit her lip before responding. “Ah have to go, Rainbow.”

“But, I love you.”

That made her straighten up. Had Rainbow really just said that? She had never shown any interest before. Sure, they had been buddies, but Rainbow didn't seem inclined to go any further than that. It had to be delirium or drugs. The mare wasn't making sense.

“I love you, Applejack.”

She stepped away from the bed. “Ah love you too, Rainbow Dash. Ah'll find a way back to you. Ah swear it. Pinkie Promise.”

There go my feels! :fluttercry:

I like death-ponies. (wink) So, I'll be keeping an eye on this story. It gets an upvote, but I saw a weird sentence towards the end of the chapter.
"The both landed on the far-side of the tree." I don't want to sound like a spoot-head, but don't you mean, "They both landed on the far side of the tree."?
Otherwise, it's fine.

Im not quite sure how I should feel about this. On One hand, im not all that inclined to ship any of the characters. On the other hand, i really love romance in general, and this is one of the great times that romance is the best. I think im just gonna agree that this is a great romance. No matter if I ship it or not.

...............More is needed...OwO..I await!

While Applejack kept her steady trot, Rainbow zoomed in every direction, ambivalent at the possibility of danger.

I'm...not entirely sure that's the right word to use there.

This story is a little darker than I generally like my ponies, but I'll be watching.

Pinkie Paih

Don't do this. There's only so far you can push narrative descriptions of Applejack's accent, and this goes over the line.

RESSURECT

Resurrect

LIKELYHOOD

likelihood

3774026
I was iffy on that myself. I just love how she pronounces "Pie". Oh well, I know better now.

I understand a desire to give Death's words more impact, but all-caps is not the way to go about doing that. Emboldening, perhaps, but not all-caps.

Also when he speaks it still is dialogue. Even if his voice penetrates the void itself and just enters the minds of ponies without any vocalization it is still dialogue and should be treated as such. There is a mantra:

Show it; don't say it.

What it means is you should take something like the atmosphere of his voice and, not explain it, but describe how it affects your characters and their environment in a way that conveys an explanation to the audience. No one will ever be able to tell exactly what you think Death sounds like; so instead you have to give them the tools to put together their own voice that is just as good as yours.

I AM DEATH

vs.

"I am Death," his words penetrated me. They bored their way into the deepest darkest corners of my mind, making me quake in my hooves as his foreboding form loomed over me.


Finally, dialogue first; text after.

Applejack's ears fell back as the realization dawned on her. This was Death. She was dead. She had fallen and that was her body and Rainbow was really brokenhearted and... “Ah'm convinced.”

vs.

“Ah'm convinced,” Applejack said as her ears fell back and the realization dawned upon her. This was Death and she was dead. She had fallen, and that was her body, and Rainbow was really broken hearted.

It may seem like inconsequential nitpicking, but dialogue should be contained within paragraphs of its own, and non-dialogue should stand away from paragraphs with dialogue. It makes it easier to track the speaker and to connect the thoughts to their speakers. Of course once you use dialogue it can come anywhere in the paragraph;

“Ah'm convinced,” Applejack said as her ears fell back and the realization dawned upon her. This was Death and she was dead. She had fallen, and that was her body, and Rainbow was really broken hearted, "but ah don't like it."

3775733

Actually, having Death speak in all caps is a common literary technique, believe it or not. One of the more notable novels (which I believe there are allusions to here) is Terry Pratchett's Hogfather, where Death's words are in all capitals (with no bold, italics, or quotes) and the narration is not. There are other examples of this, but again, this is the most noteworthy. He is not wrong to be doing that. Also, your corrections are more "tell" than "show" and correcting someone with worse narrative than they were using to begin with is just impossible to watch without calling out.

That said, there is a lot wrong with this. One, it's way too fast paced. This should have taken place in one chapter, not two, and with 15-20k words instead of about 4k. Save rewrite there isn't much you can do to redeem that and, seeing as its the initial opening to your fic, it's going to leave a permanent scar that will turn away viewers. Secondly, the way you threw in completely unexplained shipping with Rainbow Dash in the end of this chapter, a decision that rubbed me (and I assume a lot of others) the wrong way. It's not that what you did was wrong, per say, but it was executed to make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Not a single hint or reason why. Another reason this opener should be one chapter with 15-20k words. As for your grammar and style, I would suggest a proofreader that follows the EqD Editor's Omnibus, it would help you out a lot in many different ways.

Also, this is not an original idea in pony fanfiction. 2011 classics The Cold Hand of Mercy and Beyond Judgment both follow the same plot line. A new take on an old idea is not particularly a bad thing, especially if you edit the idea to be special in its own rite, but it needs to be done in a way that makes it stick out from the rest. I strongly recommend you read both of these stories.

I'm going to track this to see where it ends up. I'm not going to rate it yet (right now it would be dislike) because there is still the possibility you can redeem this fic if you work hard on it.

3776974

Minor correction, Death speaks in Small Caps, not just Capital Letters. I don't think FimFiction can process Small Caps though.

Anyway, in my humble opinion, this is set up to be pretty good. Watching, waiting, and redundantly observing for more. (Gotta follow the Rule of Three.)

3777555

It can't, thats why I'm just considering them equal.

3775733
3776974
To clear up a few things:
The reason Death speaks in all caps is as a bit of an homage to Terry Pratchett's Death.
Also, I'll admit the plot is a bit fast-paced. I suppose that's a bit of my own impatience working through. I've tried planning, but, believe it or not, the story turns out worse every time.
The shipping aspect had been from the beginning. Bear in mind that this is primarily third-person Applejack, who is unaware that Rainbow even has feelings for her, as indicated by first blaming delirium or drugs for Rainbow's words with her own follow-up statement being more in the familiar-friends context.
While I haven't read the indicated stories, I am well aware that this is not an original idea. Then again, what stories are?
Finally, I'll accept your claim that this story may turn away more readers. However, I'd like to point out (and I don't want to sound like an absolute dick while stating this) that in the first twenty-four hours, I've garnered 3 new watches, 58 favorites, 46 likes, and a spot on the Popular Stories list. Whether this will do more harm than good later on remains to be seen.

3777788

That's what I thought lol.

oh god twily oh god

My reactin at someparts

Old mare :.....Ha she is grumpy

Colt : Awwwwwwww....poor thing


Twilight's reaction : Whoa....she called Cellie a whore....dat anger -placed on my shades- daaaaaaaang

so many feels!:fluttershbad:

Well, shit, Celestia. I thought you were better than that. :ajbemused:

3785320 Yeah. Surely it wouldn't hurt too much to send Shining Armor, just to conduct an investigation. It's not like the bandits are going to confess and say they did it. :facehoof:

Yyyyyeah this is starting to take a turn too dark. I don't know how many more chapters of this I can take, but this one's turning me off from the story. :unsuresweetie:

Keep it up man, really enjoying this so far

Pinkie - She won't go insane or anything, I don't think. It would fit her more to just become an empty shell of her own self. Simply become... nothing. A pony without any emotions save a deep-rooted sorrow.

Fluttershy - Do I even have to say it? Utterly heart broken. There's no other way to describe it.

Rarity - ...She's a tricky one. I have a feeling she'd do her best to put it behind her, power through her work and drown out the pain in every way she can.

Rainbow - She'd feel it was her fault. I have a feeling that she would do everything she can to get revenge on those gryphons.

and Twilight we've already seen. So overcome with grief that it turns into rage.

Wow. Good job. Keep up the good work.

3848874
Uh, thanks?
Not entirely sure I understand.

3848921 Its a good thing.....the feels

Rarity was expected, Pinkie somewhat too. Just... empty.

Fluttershy, however, was the tricky one. I think it was a nice touch that Angel could see/sense her. Hmm... I wonder if Fluttershy realised what Angel was trying to say in the end? Or maybe she was just realising what she was about to say :applejackunsure:

3849376 Yeah, what we saw wasn't enough. And I'm going to assume that from what was suggested that her father raped her. Because rape is the only thing I can think of that would inflict that kind of lasting emotional damage. :ajsleepy:

poor pinkie.

It almost sounded as if Rarity was going to go vigilante on those griffins.

3850705
I meant Pinkie's reaction to AJ's death. I wasn't talking about her relationship with her father :rainbowhuh:

I'm pretty torn on this. There's a systemic problem with dialogue punctuation/capitalization errors, but I can get past that. The part I can't hand-wave away, however, is the rushed pace. It felt like half of this chapter was an infodump, and a lot of the stuff told in exposition could have been written out to build characterization and invest the reader more deeply.

One thing that really bothered me was how you basically said, "Oh, Granny's dead, by the way." There's no weight to that announcement. There's no sense that it's affected the characters. It feels like the info was dropped just to mark a box on a checklist.

Still, I'm willing to read a little more before making my mind up about it.

3891711
To address some of your issues, though I don't know if it will have any affect on your opinion: The story, in reality, takes place after Applejack's death. There isn't really any need for character-building beforehand because all of the relevant character traits will be introduced in the chapters following. Think of it as a one-way-mirror kind of thing.
As for the whole "Granny's dead" issue you have, it's not really relevant to the story, merely to set some context and head off the inevitable question of "why isn't Big Mac going?" I figured this was the simplest and most acceptable explanation. Also, I didn't really want to waste too much time on context before getting to the actual story.

3892340
It doesn't really change my mind, but since I'm not here as a reviewer—just a random reader—nitpicking it to death doesn't serve much purpose. Even if the presentation doesn't match my tastes perfectly, the material is pretty interesting, so I'll keep an eye on it a while longer, even if I do have some quibbles.

I WANT MORE NOW! I mean, when are you going to add more? This is awesome

I love this story already! Cant wait for the update too! Your idea is genius, Applejack risking her life for protecting her best friend and the cart. That was going to be taken for charity and used for the good. That right there is spot on what Applejack would really do. Then when RD says she loves AJ ya have my full attention there! Of course being a big Appledash fan also plays a role in why I love this story! Seriously, good job and cant wait for more! Haha

Oh man, I can't wait for more chapters!

............. >wx.....hmmmmmthis story...keeps getting my attention ;D

I really, really want to see Celestia's response to that letter. :trollestia:

Can't have a reaper mare without a scythe.

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