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Oh God...1,015 words
Say What?1,079 words

Oh God...

“Say it again, I dare you. I fucking dare you to - ”

“This is all your fault! If you hadn’t - Argh!” There was the sound of something heavy hitting the ground. “You punched me!”

“Did you have to do that?” asked a third voice.

“Hey, I warned him.”

Twilight Sparkle let out a groan as she rolled over, trying to shut out the noise coming from downstairs. She didn’t know why those three stallions had decided that her library was the best place for an argument. As she pulled her pillow over her head, she suddenly realised that there was no reason for anypony to be in the library. Upon this realisation, she threw off her covers and, with a bright flash of light, teleported downstairs.

“Let’s try and figure out where we - WOAH!” The speaker was interrupted when a bright flash of light came from right in front of him

“You are going to tell me what you are doing in my house right... now...” The words died as they came from the unicorn’s mouth as she looked at the strange beings she had just been yelling at.

They were not, as she had assumed, stallions. Instead, all three looked as though somepony had taken the basic body shape of her dragon assistant Spike, removed the tail, stretched it until it was about six feet tall while still keeping things in proportion, made the face flat and put a small amount of hair on their heads. They were also completely clothed, with barely any bare skin. In a way, they actually reminded her of the Diamond Dogs that had taken Rarity. However, her observations weren’t exactly conclusive as all three of them were rolling on the ground in pain, clutching their faces.

“My eyes...” one of them moaned.

“I can’t see, I can’t see!” one of them screamed.

“Ow,” the third one said.

“Um, sorry?” Twilight said as she looked at each of them. She saw that they were all different. One had hair the colour of sand, while the others was the colour of dirt. Their clothing was partly uniform: what was covering their legs seemed to all be made of the same material, but the clothing covering their torsos and parts of their arms were all different colours.

“No, it’s okay. Don’t know where you got a flash-grenade...”

“What?”

“I’m talking about the...” The creature, this one with a red article of clothing covering its upper body, removed its hands from its face and blinked as it stared at Twilight. “What.”

Twilight took a step back as the creature stared at her. “What?”

“Did one of you slip me something?” it asked the others.

“What are you talking about?” the one with sandy hair asked, still on the ground. “Why would we slip you anything?”

“Why else would I be seeing a talking purple unicorn thing?”

“Hey!” Twilight said loudly. “I have a name, you know!”

“Yes, I’m sure the purple unicorn... does...” The sarcasm filling the blonde’s voice died as it saw Twilight. “Oooooookay...”

“What the fuck is going on?” the third one asked, this one’s clothing having the words “FBI Female Body Inspector” on it in large letters.

“How did you get in my library?”

“You own this place?” asked the first to recover.

“Yes, and my name is Twilight Sparkle.” There was a brief moment of silence before her three uninvited guests burst into laughter. “What?” she asked, looking around in confusion. “What’s so funny?”

“Twilight... Sparkle!” one of them managed to choke out. “Oh god!”

“Bwahahahaha!”

“I can’t... I can’t breathe!” the sandy-haired one managed to say, clutching their sides.

Twilight was quite fed up with what was going on, and decided to take matters into her own hooves. She gritted her teeth and called her magic, changing the mouths of the laughing idiots (why she started thinking of them that way, she wasn’t sure) into closed zippers, much to their alarm.

“MMHMM!?” The one with the ‘FBI’ shirt tried to say.

“Now,” Twilight said, her voice dangerously quiet, “we are going to have a civilised conversation and you will not make fun of anypony’s names.” She looked around, failing to notice the fearful looks she was receiving. “Am I clear?” All three nodded. “Good.” With a flash of her horn she gave them back their mouths.

“That was scary...” one of them muttered.

“Now then, who are you? And what are you?”

The one with the tasteless shirt stepped forwards. “We are The Knights Who Say... Ni!” Then the sandy-haired one stepped behind him and brought a closed fist down on his head, an act that made Twilight cringe. “Ow! Fuck! What was that for!?”

“She said civilised conversation, you ass-hat!” his assailant yelled. “And what’s the point in making Monty Python jokes here? No-one will get any of them!”

“Fine...” he muttered, rubbing where he had been hit. “Anyway, I’m Peter.”

“Nick,” the violent one said.

“Jordan,” the third one said, looking around. “Why do you live in a library, anyway?”

“Jordan, don’t you think the fact we’re talking to a magical unicorn is a bit more important?” Nick asked, holding the thumb and forefinger of his right hand a fraction of a centimeter away from each other, as if to emphasize his point.

“Right,” Jordan said absentmindedly, pulling a random book off a shelf. He flipped a few pages before shutting it and putting it back. Twilight simply stared at the group, trying to make sense of... everything.

Somewhere far from Ponyville, a strange creature brought its clawed hand to its face in frustration. “Great,” it growled, “absolutely perfect. I bring a group of complete simpletons through!”

Author's Notes:

Holy crap there is actual plot. Bet no-one saw that one coming.

I took the names from three of my best friends. I hope they don't mind.

And you can actually buy shirts that say "FBI Female Body Inspector". I've seen them.

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