• Member Since 10th Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Interloper


That's a lotta damage!

Comments ( 459 )

I really enjoy this story the characters feel so real and you add a great detail to the setting. Keep it up. :-)

3773069

Thanks brony! :rainbowkiss: I really appreciate your kind words. PVT Dangle and I spent soooo many hours and sleepless nights planning this fanfics first story arc. I really hope you stick around for more.

Comment posted by Interloper deleted Jan 12th, 2014

This was quite nicely written and very enjoyable. Character development from the word go, and enough details to create a solid visual image while not being overwhelming. Definitely going to be watching for more later. :pinkiehappy:

There were a few spelling errors I ran into, though. You may want to leaf through it one more time and fix them. Keep writing this!

I'm a sucker for vault dweller main characters, I confess! I'll be keeping an eye on this one. :rainbowkiss:

I'll give the first chapter a read later today, but so far, the intro seems quite good. There's a nice sinister feel to it, as if there are machinations going on beneath the surface of the story/quest.

I would suggest correcting 'Crystal empitre' to 'Crystal Empire' and restructuring 'knows no other world other than the world below' to be a little less repetitive and confusing. Perhaps 'knows no world other than the one below' or 'knows no other world besides the one beneath' or 'knows no world outside of the one deep under' would make the sentence flow better.

3775653

Heh, i rewrote the descriptions at 4AM in an attempt to make the plot more obscure but the setting more clear so people wouldn't see the word Water Talisman (I assumed it was a turnoff word). I didn't even look it over before saving :raritydespair:

And i agree, the wording was off. I'll get to that.

3775952

Disliking anything won't hurt my feelngs if it's justified. I'm thankful you gave it a read, and I hope if you're still dissatisfied, I'll get criticism from you in the future so I can improve. Poor Amber Fields :applecry: that was my baaaaad. Heh.

Although, I was hoping you'd tell me what you didn't like on your first read. I'm exceptionally quick at responding to comments and making changes immediately after.

3775236

I have more experience with writing in the third person, so first person perspectives are sort of a challenge for me because, if I don't check myself, the narrator might begin rambling. Private Dangles kept telling me to add more imagery, so I'm glad I didn't overdo and make Red ramble about the color of the walls or anything. I'm happy you enjoyed it though, especially at my first big attempt at the first person pov.

3775646

Thank you. I will have an update next week, and will continue updating every Saturday or Sunday depending on how well this is recieved by chapter 2.

3778763

Thanks, I'm loving the feedback.

I for one have a deep hatred for Mary Sues, and I also have a strong dislike for anime. I don't watch it either, nor have I played Fallout (surprising, huh.)

I never realized that this 'I'm going to stronger than you all!' anime cliche was going on, (or it at least seemed like it), but that conclusion isn't going to come into fruition nor had I planned on that anyways. I used to watch Naruto when I was a lot younger, and even then, I was annoyed by his one upmanship. Though your comment was more of a warning than criticism, it is a very valid warning and I will take that into account when writing future chapters. Your impressions, however, made me rewrite parts of Chapter 1 to be safe.

I can see where you're coming from the steam and boiling water. I've altered the scenes already. I also completely forgot about Healing Potions, and as far as I know and have experienced, burns are just flesh wounds.

Thanks again for the response!

Good solid start! I haven't read FoE in its entirety, but from the looks of this Rising Dawn is gonna be an enjoyable read. Keep up the good work!

3784800

Thanks mane, glad you liked it.

Hello Interloper, I just found your story. Will give it a read this weekend since it's late here so I'll just go ahead and drop my like and fav :twilightsmile:

3794126

Thanks. I hope to update this weekend so if you get around to reading it, check for Chapter two by Sunday night.

looks pretty good so far

3801894

Thanks, I'm happy you thought it was!

Damn... that escalated quickly! all his friends are dead, (as far as we know) nice job on the story and also nice job on the emotions. 10/10

3829940

Thanks! I was tearing up when I wrote it.. For me, it's hard to kill characters off, even bad guys. Though I can't say what happened will please some readers, it had to be done.

But Red's journey is far from over.

Wow, i thought this was just going to be a complete knock off from the original but that second chapter blew my mind :pinkiegasp: . Cant wait for next chapter:rainbowkiss:.

3866587

I'm overjoyed at how well you received it - your comment just made my day! :twilightblush: I'm allllmoooosssst done with Chapter 3, so I may be updating again this week. Thanks for reading :heart:

Awesome new chapter, so many emotions at play. Cant wait for the next one :twilightsmile:

SCREEEEEE ...... a section of the catwalk broke away the chambers quaked violently, throwing me to the catwalk once more.

This whole sentence could be reworked, partly because the double ellipsis and partly because it reads like you accidentally a word.

I trotted up next to him and my best friend leaned the side of my body that hadn’t been cooked.

You accidentally a word here, too.

ponies had tried to cover the boring whitewash walls around us with beautiful murals

... where'd they get the paint?

the entire room started shaking." he sighed

Either that period should be a comma, or you missed a capital.

You and I will be going, Red." Dew Drops said

But that one's definitely a comma. And many many more instances I'm not going to call out individually.

“What’s with you and poop water?”

Yeah, really. Eww.

rationed to 180 gallons per pony a day

*cough* that's rationing? Seriously? Is she counting mopping every floor in the Stable daily in that total or something? I mean, a quick Google search says that the average four-person family uses 300 a day, and almost a third of that is outdoor use like sprinklers and pools. In a Stable, with communal dining facilities, that might be reduced further since you're not running a bajillion dishwashers.

‘stable stec, this way’

*StableTec.
Now, for the what you did amazing part, the whole flashback to the moment of destruction was just that. Amazing.
Overall, much fewer mistakes and you certainly cranked the grimness waaay up there.

Don’t do anything fuck-stupid

So, never?

she looked kind of cute – ahem, I mean, for a griffon.

Cross-species shipping in FoE? Well, that's not one I've read before. Do continue.

They couldn’t possibly … actually look like that, right?

If by "they" you mean "Rampage" well, yes. Or if they have a particularly enterprising dentist, I suppose.

Now they’re Blood Letters.

"You can identify them because they look like the alphabet."

Gail’s winged silhouette

I keep wanting to correct this to "Gale."

I groanedand side stepped,

missing a space in there.

Was there still a pony left in her worth saving?

Well, that looks a whole lot like a Chekov caliber bullet to me.

let alone for ambastard like Bone Charm.

*a bastard.

Why was it so easy for these mercs?

How many times did you have to put together a radio? Practice makes perfect!

“We’re going to pay them a visit and find the pony murderin’ son’bitch who did it.”

By which, I'm pretty sure he means, "We're going to kill as many of them as we can find, until we're pretty sure one of them must have been the guilty party." aaand yep, look at that.

3926410

Wow, you certainly discected this thing. Chapter one was never edited by a third party (got my friends to help me after that), and I've never had the time to go back. Sometimes, I make changes here and there on my tablet and my Space key is really close to my M key. Thus, thismwill sometimes happen.

As for the Blood Letters, I can't tell if you're joking or not... but that's what they're called. Blood letters, alluding to bloodletting, what people did to balance the humors in the human body by drawing blood during and before the 18th century...

Thanks for taking the time to split this one open.

3926750

you certainly discected this thing.

Oh no, this was pretty mild, actually. :twilightsmile:

I've never had the time to go back.

The fun thing about fimfic compared to fanfic.net is that you can go back and edit any chapter. A big plus in my book.

I can't tell if you're joking or not...

Dangit, I knew I should have put a smily on that line.

I want to make a shoutout to Blueninja for pointing out some errors in previous chapters that I have since fixed.

That's what I'm here for. :scootangel:

The 2 century-old wreckage had been simply bulldozed aside

*two. Generally speaking, you don't use numbers in a sentence unless it's a really big number.

I tasted the irony taste of blood

I'm not sure what makes his blood especially ironic.

Cold, black paint trickled down the pock marked walls of my conscience.

This line, right here, is genius.

3966308

lol. It's ironic because one would expect blood to be flowing through you, not out of you. Thus, irony. I don't know. :moustache:

Cold, black paint trickled down the pock marked walls of my conscience.
This line, right here, is genius.

Thanks, I hope I hit the mark on where I wanted the development of Red's character to go.

3983462

I am delighted to hear from you again, and I am equally as delighted to hear that you are pleased. It is good to know that you gave this story a second chance, and I appreciate the feedback, especially from an experienced FO:E group member of seniority such as yourself. :twilightsmile:

I've made quite a few changes to Red Dawn's background since your first comment on Chapter 1 (it was your feedback that prompted the changes), and because of it, I hope I made him better.

i.imgur.com/RTFSYCm.jpg

No but really, it means a whole lot to me :twilightblush:

3984889

Thanks, I am happy that you did not find Red's character wanting this time around.

Its been sometime since I last read this story, so I decided to go back and read over it for a second time. And when I read this part:
'“Mista Dawn, is the wawer tawisman bwoken?”
It reminded me of an orphan child in the 1800's :rainbowkiss: So cute

4186412

Hehe, adorable indeed. It's good to see your pixels around this microbial part of fimfiction again :twilightsmile:

This is starting to get pretty good, cant wait for next chapter!

4379660

Hey, I remember you! Last I heard from you was in February!

My gladness is three-fold: glad to hear from you again, that you caught up, and that you were pleased. Thanks! :pinkiehappy:

My God, there no better then those furries......

Well, it looks like they'll be starving anyway. Its the wasteland after all and that bitch got what she deserved.

Well, this is interesting can't wait to see how this goes.

4463842

I really appreciate your comments! But I'm curious: are you referring to the events of Chapter 3? You seem to be commenting about things that happen in the chapters following the subject of your comment. Just a little confused, here.

Anyways ...the wasteland is a horrible place. And some of that horribleness tends to rub off on some ponies.

4464011

" that bitch got what she deserved."

Again, are you talking about Chapter 4? Well then yes, she did. Good things only happen to bad ponies, after all. But what does that make Red? :fluttershysad:

4464426

I'm glad you thought so! I hope to hear from you again in the future, I really appreciate comments of any sort! :pinkiehappy: Thanks!

4464613 U'm I wrote these comments after finishing reading each chapter....what are they doing here and not on the chapter comment page?

Will Rainbow Dash be beating anybody up in this story?

I take it King Sombra will be appearing?

4542894

To answer both your questions in one go.... I can't say; you'll just have to stick around and find out ... :rainbowlaugh:

4542894

This is FALLOUT EQUESTRIA, Sombra is dead and gone by over 200 years. He wouldn't even be a player now. There are bigger snakes hiding in the shadows.

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