I really enjoy this story the characters feel so real and you add a great detail to the setting. Keep it up. :-)

3773069

Thanks brony! I really appreciate your kind words. PVT Dangle and I spent soooo many hours and sleepless nights planning this fanfics first story arc. I really hope you stick around for more.

3773120 Private Dangle WOOT

This was quite nicely written and very enjoyable. Character development from the word go, and enough details to create a solid visual image while not being overwhelming. Definitely going to be watching for more later.

There were a few spelling errors I ran into, though. You may want to leaf through it one more time and fix them. Keep writing this!

I'm a sucker for vault dweller main characters, I confess! I'll be keeping an eye on this one.

I'll give the first chapter a read later today, but so far, the intro seems quite good. There's a nice sinister feel to it, as if there are machinations going on beneath the surface of the story/quest.

I would suggest correcting 'Crystal empitre' to 'Crystal Empire' and restructuring 'knows no other world other than the world below' to be a little less repetitive and confusing. Perhaps 'knows no world other than the one below' or 'knows no other world besides the one beneath' or 'knows no world outside of the one deep under' would make the sentence flow better.

3775653

Heh, i rewrote the descriptions at 4AM in an attempt to make the plot more obscure but the setting more clear so people wouldn't see the word Water Talisman (I assumed it was a turnoff word). I didn't even look it over before saving

And i agree, the wording was off. I'll get to that.

3775952

Disliking anything won't hurt my feelngs if it's justified. I'm thankful you gave it a read, and I hope if you're still dissatisfied, I'll get criticism from you in the future so I can improve. Poor Amber Fields that was my baaaaad. Heh.

Although, I was hoping you'd tell me what you didn't like on your first read. I'm exceptionally quick at responding to comments and making changes immediately after.

3775236

I have more experience with writing in the third person, so first person perspectives are sort of a challenge for me because, if I don't check myself, the narrator might begin rambling. Private Dangles kept telling me to add more imagery, so I'm glad I didn't overdo and make Red ramble about the color of the walls or anything. I'm happy you enjoyed it though, especially at my first big attempt at the first person pov.

3775646

Thank you. I will have an update next week, and will continue updating every Saturday or Sunday depending on how well this is recieved by chapter 2.

3776074

No worries.

3778763

Thanks, I'm loving the feedback.

I for one have a deep hatred for Mary Sues, and I also have a strong dislike for anime. I don't watch it either, nor have I played Fallout (surprising, huh.)

I never realized that this 'I'm going to stronger than you all!' anime cliche was going on, (or it at least seemed like it), but that conclusion isn't going to come into fruition nor had I planned on that anyways. I used to watch Naruto when I was a lot younger, and even then, I was annoyed by his one upmanship. Though your comment was more of a warning than criticism, it is a very valid warning and I will take that into account when writing future chapters. Your impressions, however, made me rewrite parts of Chapter 1 to be safe.

I can see where you're coming from the steam and boiling water. I've altered the scenes already. I also completely forgot about Healing Potions, and as far as I know and have experienced, burns are just flesh wounds.

Thanks again for the response!

Good solid start! I haven't read FoE in its entirety, but from the looks of this Rising Dawn is gonna be an enjoyable read. Keep up the good work!

3784800

Thanks mane, glad you liked it.

Hello Interloper, I just found your story. Will give it a read this weekend since it's late here so I'll just go ahead and drop my like and fav

3794126

Thanks. I hope to update this weekend so if you get around to reading it, check for Chapter two by Sunday night.

looks pretty good so far

3801894

Thanks, I'm happy you thought it was!

SCREEEEEE ...... a section of the catwalk broke away the chambers quaked violently, throwing me to the catwalk once more.

This whole sentence could be reworked, partly because the double ellipsis and partly because it reads like you accidentally a word.

I trotted up next to him and my best friend leaned the side of my body that hadn’t been cooked.

You accidentally a word here, too.

ponies had tried to cover the boring whitewash walls around us with beautiful murals

... where'd they get the paint?

the entire room started shaking." he sighed

Either that period should be a comma, or you missed a capital.

You and I will be going, Red." Dew Drops said

But that one's definitely a comma. And many many more instances I'm not going to call out individually.

“What’s with you and poop water?”

Yeah, really. Eww.

rationed to 180 gallons per pony a day

*cough* that's rationing? Seriously? Is she counting mopping every floor in the Stable daily in that total or something? I mean, a quick Google search says that the average four-person family uses 300 a day, and almost a third of that is outdoor use like sprinklers and pools. In a Stable, with communal dining facilities, that might be reduced further since you're not running a bajillion dishwashers.

Its been sometime since I last read this story, so I decided to go back and read over it for a second time. And when I read this part:
'“Mista Dawn, is the wawer tawisman bwoken?”
It reminded me of an orphan child in the 1800's So cute

3802172 Great first chapter--loved that you decided to go with in medias res rather than a stable, slow start. Too few authors do that and it helps to get the reader's attention.

You did seem to have a couple of logic conflicts in the chapter though. You mention in one scene that no one's been hurt after several explodes and even the narrator's own person had been injured. Nothing big, but it caused me to pause and go, "huh?" and that just takes me out of a fic.

Nothing big, just something to be mindful of.

I said prepare for commentary, and I meant it. But first, some fanboy freak out.

OH MY LUNA! The beginning was just sooo fucking amazing, it just fucking shot me into the middle of absolute chaos! Shit was blowing up and ponies were getting hurt! LOVE THAT SHIT! okay fanboy freakout done.

So yes, this chapter certainly doesn't suffer from the boring ass opening that some FoE fics suffer from. It just flung the readers into the story, not giving us any chance to think about what's happening. AND THEN it get's to the boring ass shit right after. But it doesn't stay that way. Kudos there.

Right off the bat, the main character gets laid, that's not something you see every day. I like the fact that you didn't just hint at a possible love between Red and DD only to have it carry on for seventy thousand chapters. IT WAS THERE from the beginning, and you took full advantage of that. That being said, Red Dawn seems to be a protagonist that cares deeply for his friends, I can't wait to see that be tested.

All in all, I'd say this is a story that I shouldn't have put off for so long, I'll be giving more feedback by the end of the night.

Okay, I finally got to the review. Sorry, it took so long. Here's the review of the first chapter.

One of the things I’m noticing is that there seems to be some switching between tenses. Past tense and Present tense. If you are going to do past tense first person with some present tense, there needs to be something to differentiate them. Like ‘I remembered thinking We’re all going to die’ Just a couple points like that stood out and took me out of the moment.

Another thing that probably shouldn’t be a problem, but somehow is, is the length of the chapters. A lot of readers are easily intimidated by long chapters. I know that, it’s dumb, but it is how it is. I would probably recommend shorting the chapter or cutting the chapter to about 5000 to 7000 words. 12000 is a lot to read for a reader who has only a limited amount of time. Especially for a first chapter. I know there was an introduction, but I don’t count it.

Again, probably just a little thing.

“DEW DROPS!” I wailed, galloping blindly through the billowing clouds of black smoke, my heart drumming against my chest. Please be okay, Goddesses, please be okay!

With this line, it’s hard for me to tell if it’s supposed to be the main character in the here and now, or if it’s the narration. I only bring this up because, there is nothing to separate them or distinguish them. Usually in this situation, I like to have italics to separate the narrator from the current character. I know they are technically the same person, but it’s really confusing to have the narrator talk and then have it feel like the narrator is suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress disorder, while he’s telling the story. Unless that is the case, but why would he be saying this while he is telling the story if he knows what’s going to happened?

"Would somepony turn that shit off!!!!"

Needs a question mark and only needs one ‘!’, no matter how loud or how angry she was when she yelled it.

The only thing I’m really not liking is how everypony is kind of taking this talisman thing not as seriously as they probably should. The main character seems to be the only one that is concerned about it. I would have thought this would spread a lot more panic in the ponies who knew. I’m not saying that there shouldn’t be ponies who aren’t worried about it, I’m just saying they are treating it like it’s not big deal, when we’ve constantly established it is a big deal.

Another thing I kind of have an issue with was the ending. The town is cheering them as they leave. Do they know the situation? I would have thought there would be a lot more panicking. Maybe this group is supposed to help them feel more secure. I don’t know, but that bothers me personally.

But aside from all those points, I can see that you are very passionate about writing. It’s very well done, it’s very descriptive and very detailed.

I’m really interested in each of the characters and I hope to see them explored a lot more in this story. Getting to know them, their backstories, their personalities and such.

The thing that intrigued me was Red and his fear of killing another pony. I really hope that plays out later in the story and wasn’t just cured from the “Having sex with my girlfriend makes it all better”. I really want to see him kill another pony so I can see that reaction. Maybe that’s the psychopath in me, but that little aspect of him really fascinates me.

I'll get to the other chapters as I have time. Hopefully, this helps. Until then, take care.

NOW I can add this to my favorites

5278022
Didn't take you for an Fo:E guy, but I've been wrong before. Good to see a familiar face around.
5447380
Same here matey.

Then to Interloper. Good job. Feels like a pretty solid start to the future chapters.
BTW, ImmolatedPoet (I probably fucked his name up somehow, but I'm too tired to double check) sent me.

The second I stared reading this chapter "Rogue's- Through The Dark" came on pandora fallowed by "Self Destruct" and "Time Bomb", just thought that was kinda funny. Also I'm loving this already, so glad I finally started this.

6131883

img03.deviantart.net/ee8b/i/2012/063/4/8/_fluttershy__yay___by_ztoonlinkz-d4rqisw.png

However, something that bugged me was that you referred to blood as either crimson or scarlet and once called eyes saucers. I don't know if there's an actual rule for this, but, in my personal opinion, I think it's best to refer to blood as blood and eyes as eyes.

Yeah, I have a tendency to do that. I guess it's a quirk of mine.

Looking good so far. Slimming down the chapters did make it easier to keep track of everything and read. Can't wait to see what kind of changes you pull later on.

Though now that I read it again I almost have to wonder if this was some sort of sabotauge. More than likely not, but I can't help the brain.

So, I was nervous about reading this, we don't always see eye to eye on things, but I was pleasantly surprised. This opening bit was a compelling read. This is a stable story, which means I should hate it, but I don't, because it does things in its own way. It may just be that I have been looking at story after story that starts with stable ponies waking up in their boring lives, but this was entertaining. This story is interesting to me because it does things well in a way that I am not particularly skilled in. Usually I have to get attached to the characters or enjoy the cleverness of the conceptual idea of a story to get into it, but in this starting bit, none of the characters stand out and the idea of falling apart reactor is something I have seen before, in fact I have seen it done badly before, but this was still compelling to read. You have a talent with descriptive narrative and it is a powerful force in your story. I found myself being like "I want to find out more about how the worker ponies are getting their faces melted off/impaled, i've got to read more." Quite honestly, I am jealous, because this is precisely what I am struggling with at the moment. Anyway, I was predisposed to hate your story, and so far I don't, so that should speak volumes of your ability.

On a side note, I haven't seen a FOE story kill off so many background ponies so quickly, so I think you deserve a Red Shirt award for exceptional strides in the art of killing the hell out of background characters.

6236077

I think you deserve a Red Shirt award for exceptional strides in the art of killing the hell out of background characters.

Does that mean the war gets a Red Shirt award too?

Nice story man, props to you. If I give this story a score, the score will be 10/10. Once again great job, definitely one of my favorites

Along with writing my own fic and exams, I've not got time to read this often. But please, believe me when I say that this is very good. So much so that the only faults I could personally find were the fact that you used - instead of — and that the characters—every one of them—seemed to use the word 'fuck' way too much. But otherwise, this was incredibly well written and not deserving of the critique you recieved at all.

Finally getting off my lazy butt and reading your fic that has been sitting for only god knows how long in my read laters folder

Anyways, it seems to be off to a good start taking the busted water talisman route and doing it differntly that oh it just broke down due to old age and blowing it to Shangri-La