Hoof Lickin' Good
Fluttershy collapsed on the cloud that Rainbow Dash’s home stood upon. They dropped so suddenly Rarity nearly tumbled right over Fluttershy’s side, but Rarity grabbed hold of Fluttershy's withers at the last moment. Beneath her, Fluttershy lay limp on the cloud-stuff, her legs and wings splayed out around her. She panted heavily, her tongue lolling out of her mouth, her mane wet with sweat, and her face red with exhaustion.
“Y-you… you can get off… now,” Fluttershy rasped between strangled breaths.
“No, I can’t,” Rarity said. “I would fall through the cloud.”
Fluttershy shook her head weakly. “No… you’ll be fine… please get off.”
“Now, dear. You know I would love nothing more than to relieve you, but—Aahh!” Fluttershy forcibly bucked Rarity off of her back with an exasperated grunt, and Rarity fell to the ground—well, to the cloud. She cringed as she hit, preparing go freefalling into open air. Instead, she lightly bounced on the cloud surface.
“Clouds here… are enchanted,” Fluttershy managed, then collapsed back onto her stomach.
“Oh.” Rarity stood up and deliberately fixed her mane. “Well, you should have said so.”
Fluttershy didn’t reply. She lay on the cloud, entirely unmoving besides the rapid rise and fall of her chest.
“Are you all right?” Rarity asked.
Fluttershy just barely nodded.
Rarity slowly reached out a hoof, hesitated a moment, then rested it on Fluttershy’s side. “I’m sorry, Fluttershy. I wouldn’t have asked you to carry me if I had known what trouble you would have. Maybe I do weigh a little more than I thought.”
Fluttershy raised her head. “You think?”
Rarity turned away. She chose not to acknowledge Fluttershy’s retort. The rude behavior shouldn’t be held against Fluttershy. Exhaustion could make a pony say strange things, sometimes. “I am sorry,” Rarity said again. “And thank you for carrying me.”
Fluttershy’s breathing calmed, and she stood up. She nodded to Rarity, her face still slightly flushed. “You're welcome.”
Rarity nodded back, then turned her attention to Rainbow Dash’s home. She didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, nothing that evidenced the ill designs that were no doubt being secretly plotted within. It looked suspiciously ordinary.
What a perfect cure for a slow day this was! Anything could be happening inside. Intrigue, conspiracy, secret meetings of the International Weather League, maybe even a lesbian sex cult harem. With Applejack! Rarity couldn’t rule out any possibility.
Fluttershy trotted past while Rarity was busy imagining all the most exciting possible lesbian sex cult scenarios. Fluttershy walked over the walkway and up to the front door.
“Wait!” Rarity cried, coming to her senses and running towards Fluttershy. “What do you think you are doing?”
Fluttershy paused and turned back to her. “Um, knocking?”
“You will do no such thing!”
“Why not?” Fluttershy asked.
Rarity rolled her eyes. “Because then she will know that we’re here.”
Fluttershy’s brow wrinkled. “We don’t want her to know that we’re here?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Why not?”
Rarity sighed. “Fluttershy… I am…. worried Rainbow Dash will be embarrassed by whatever is afflicting her. Yes, that’s it. If we ask her outright, she will likely hide it. We need to be more subtle. This will require a delicate touch.”
“Delicate how?”
“Delicate in that we won’t waltz straight through Rainbow’s front door and openly accuse one of our closest friends of purposefully deceiving us, and possibly being involved in an international weather conspiracy or a secret lesbian harem with Applejack and stars only know who else.”
“Um, why would we ever do that?”
“You can just never be too sure about these sort of things,” Rarity replied quickly. “This way!” Rarity slowly crept up to a ground floor (cloud floor?) window, and Fluttershy followed. Rarity crouched beneath it, out of sight. She grinned. She felt positively dastardly, like one of the supervillainesses in those comic books Spike was always reading.
Fluttershy stood next to her, one brow raised. “We aren’t going to break in through her window, right?”
“Of course not.” Actually, that wasn’t such a bad idea. “Well, maybe. We’ll see what happens.”
Fluttershy still stood beside her, but kept a careful distance away, as if she worried Rarity might start baying like a rabid dog and mauling the pony nearest to her at the slightest provocation.
“Get down!” Rarity whispered. “Don’t let her see you!”
Fluttershy crouched down, but edged slightly further away. “Are you sure Rainbow Dash is the one with a problem?”
“Sshh!” Rarity hissed. She carefully peered over the bottom of the window. Most of the room inside was empty. The only furniture was a single small table and two chairs.
“What do you see?” Fluttershy asked.
“Nothing,” Rarity replied. “Just—wait!”
Rainbow Dash trotted into the room, wearing what Rarity at first thought must have been some horrid Nightmare Night costume, but soon realized was really the skirts Rainbow Dash had carried out of the Boutique. Rainbow wore them all at once. To be more accurate, Rainbow Dash wore each and every single skirt she had carried from the Boutique, all at once, along with a few others Dash must have already had at home. Horribly clashing yellows and purples and reds and greens and oranges hung all over her body, without any sense of aesthetics. Or—judging by the skirts that dangled from Dash’s neck and wings and ankles—any idea how skirts were meant to be worn at all.
“It’s Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said.
Fluttershy sat up next to Rarity, looking inside. “Are those chairs and table for her date?”
“I don’t know.”
Rainbow Dash carried a white, cloth bundle on her back. Grinning widely, she skipped into the room so that the loose skirts swung this way and that in time with her jumps. Rainbow Dash set the bundle on the table with a little hop. She opened it, revealing a set of plates and utensils. She spread the cloth over the table, then set the plates and utensils in front of each chair, whistling as she worked.
“It looks like she’s setting up for a date,” Fluttershy said.
Rarity didn’t reply.
When she had finished setting the table, Rainbow Dash left the room the same way she had come.
Well, at least this part of Rainbow Dash’s story seemed to be true. She certainly seemed to be planning on having someone over for dinner. It could have been her fiance, or Applejack, or a member of her lesbian harem, or just about anyone else. Rarity couldn’t rule out any possibility.
Rainbow Dash reentered, still whistling and skipping, skirts still swinging and swaying. She set a silver vase on the table, then dropped a single red rose inside. She placed a long white candle beside it, and then lit it. Rainbow took a step back and squinted down at the table. After a time, she frowned and moved forward. She rubbed her face thoughtfully on the plates and silverware, then took another step back and squinted at the table again. This process repeated itself several times, until, apparently satisfied with the quantity of face-to-fork rubbing she had accomplished in a single evening, Rainbow Dash grinned and flew out of the room.
“Didn’t you say she was going to propose tonight?” Fluttershy asked.
“Yes, that is what she claimed,” Rarity replied, feeling just the smallest niggle of worry. A candlelit dinner for two, the rose, the intricately set table—it was beginning to look very much like Rainbow Dash was preparing for an engagement dinner, albeit a slightly bizarre one. Could it be possible that Rarity had misread the situation? That there was no secrecy or intrigue here at all? Nothing more than one mare declaring her love for another? It wouldn’t be decent to spy on such an occasion. A proposal was a moment meant to be shared by lovers, not with overly nosy, fudge-filled friends.
“Then, I don’t think we should be watching,” Fluttershy said, backing away. “It wouldn’t be polite, and Rainbow Dash seems fine to me.”
“Just give me one more moment.” Rarity pressed her face closer to the window. “Then we’ll go. We have to make absolutely sure.”
“Make sure of what?”
Before Rarity had time to think of an excuse, Rainbow Dash walked back into the room. This time, she was dragging a full-length, rectangular mirror behind her. Rainbow set the mirror down in one of the chairs, then plopped her own rump down in the chair opposite.
Rainbow Dash leaned forward, towards the mirror, and cupped her chin in her hooves. An embarrassed, lopsided smile appeared on her face. Dash gazed at her reflection with the same longing look that Spike gazed at gem-frosted donuts, that Applejack gazed at apple pies still baking in an oven, or that Twilight gazed at autographed head shots of Princess Celestia.
“Is… is she practicing?” Fluttershy asked.
“I suppose so,” Rarity replied, watching closely.
Rainbow Dash began speaking to her reflection. Her lips moved slowly, repeatedly punctuated by loving sighs, flutters of her eyelashes, and sultry looks. Rarity had never seen Rainbow Dash behave so coquettishly before, to be so blatantly girly. Dash looked more like a camel in season than the coarse daredevil Rarity knew. Rarity tried to listen, but Rainbow Dash was speaking in too low a voice for her to hear.
Rarity pressed her ear flat against the window.
“...You… most beautiful… hippopotamus…” Rarity just barely heard Rainbow Dash whisper. “...I love… more than… cactuses… hey… pookey schmookey… I love your… pookem schmookems...”
Rarity slowly backed away from the window.
“What is she saying?” Fluttershy asked.
Rarity stared. “I… I have no idea.”
Rainbow Dash still dreamily gazed into the mirror, whispering sweet nothings to her own reflection with a selfish passion rivaled only by Narcissus himself.
A bell chimed somewhere inside, and Rainbow Dash jumped out of her chair. “That’s the food!” Dash said loud enough for both Rarity and Fluttershy to hear. She darted out of the room, then reappeared in the doorway for a moment and shouted, “Don’t you dare move one sexy lightning bolt on your cutie mark, ‘cause I’ll be right back!” to the mirror, before leaving again.
“Is she practicing?” Fluttershy asked again.
Rarity shook her head. “I’m not sure.” But her suspicions had been confirmed. Their friend had become involved in something bizarre, though Rarity did have to admit to a disappointing lack of lesbian sex cults. Not that she had ever seriously believed there really would be any. That would have been preposterous.
Rainbow Dash reappeared, now wearing a white apron over her skirts with the words “I ❤ THE CHEF” stamped on its front. She carried two plates of scrambled eggs and mashed potatoes on her back. She laid them down on the table, grinned, and then sat back down.
Fluttershy moved closer to the window. “Are those scrambled eggs?”
“Don’t ask,” Rarity replied. Then she noticed some oddly shaped lumps in the mashed potatoes Dash had set in front of the mirror. Looking closely, she saw that the mirror’s plate of mashed potatoes was full of rocks.
Rainbow Dash immediately—and violently—dove face-first into her food, the utensils she had laid out earlier forgotten. She slurped and sucked noisily with her muzzle down against the plate. Bits of egg and potato flew every way, and some even splatted against the window.
Rarity frowned. “This would have to be the most elaborate practice I’ve ever seen, if it were practice, which I’m beginning to very seriously doubt.”
“Maybe she’s playing a prank?” Fluttershy suggested.
“On whom?”
Fluttershy shrugged. “On us?”
Rainbow Dash, having finished her plate, tossed it aside and reached over the table. She grabbed the second plate and pulled it in front of her, knocking over both the candle and vase. Dash plunged just as indecently into it as she had the first. She crunched down on the rock-filled mashed potatoes, obviously chewing away. A trickle of blood leaked out of her mouth.
Rarity winced, then looked about them. They were the only other ponies there. But Rainbow Dash hadn’t so much as hinted at knowing of their presence. Rarity shook her head. “No, this is much too intricate, too detailed a prank for her. Rainbow Dash wouldn’t have the patience for something like this. She likes the simple jokes. Whoopee cushions, sneezing powder, air horns—nothing requiring this much forethought, and especially nothing subjecting herself to this much embarrassment.” Rarity shook her head again. “No, this is no prank.”
“Then what—”
Rainbow Dash screamed, and both Rarity and Fluttershy jumped backwards. They looked just in time to see Rainbow Dash pull a bloody-mashed-potato-covered diamond ring out of her mouth. She screamed again.
“Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh!” Dash jumped up and down, her skirts rising and falling in the air all around her. “Yes yes yes!” she cried, then launched herself clear over the table. She tackled the mirror to the ground, so she was mostly out of sight behind the table. Rarity could clearly see Dash’s body straddling the mirror, though.
After a moment, intimate moans and slurping sounds began to arise from behind the table.
Rarity and Fluttershy looked at each other, faces reddening and eyes wide. For a long while, they listened to the indecent sounds emanating from behind the table.
Finally, Rarity cleared her throat. “Fluttershy, I think our friend may have lost her mind.”
Fluttershy nodded.
“But what could have caused this?” Rarity asked, frowning. “She was acting normally just last week. Could it have been the feather flu? You don’t think this could be contagious, do you?”
Fluttershy bit her lip. “The feather flu?”
A long, passionate moan erupted from inside, and Rarity and Fluttershy both cringed.
Rarity opened her mouth to say something else, then froze when a thought struck her. “Fluttershy,” she said slowly, “where did you say you got that medicine you gave Rainbow Dash?”
“Um, Zecora…”
“And you did mention you’d never used this particular medicine before, yes?”
Fluttershy’s eyes widened. “You don’t think…?”
“And you said something about side effects?” Rarity asked, just as a slap rang out from behind the table, followed by a loud squeak from Rainbow Dash.
Fluttershy nodded slowly.
“And what might those side effects be?”
“Um.” Fluttershy shrunk back a little and looked down. “If I remember right… Delusions, delirium, dramatic mood swings, odd behavior, and, um, insensitivity to pain.”
They heard a crash from inside. “Oh, yeah!” Rainbow Dash half-shouted, half-gasped, her wings flared out behind her. Then she collapsed and went quiet.
Fluttershy looked up. “Oh my…”
Rarity nodded. “Oh my, indeed.”
Fluttershy trembled and backed away, shaking her head. “No, no, no. I never meant to—Zecora warned me it might—She was just so sick, I was looking for anything that might—She begged me to—” Fluttershy looked up at Rarity, her eyes watering. “I must have given her too much. Zecora told me to give her a smalI dose, but she was just so sick, and I—I swear I never would have given it to her if I’d known it would do this to her! I’m so sorry!”
“Of course it isn’t your fault, dear,” Rarity said, giving her a small hug. She smirked a little. She had suspected this all along. Drugs and lesbian sex cults went hoof-in-hoof, after all. Everyone knew that. “You were only trying to help. Now that we know what the problem is, we know how to help her properly.”
Fluttershy sniffed. “How?”
“Well, first,” Rarity said, straightening up and looking into the window. Rainbow Dash was still lying on the floor behind the table. “I am sure we both can agree that we shouldn’t let her take anymore of that medicine.”
Fluttershy stood up beside her and nodded. “Right.”
“Does she have any with her, or do you have it all?” Rarity asked.
“Um… I think I left some in the house with her, just in case.”
“Then we’ll have to go in and get it.”
“I just don’t understand why it did this to her,” Fluttershy said. “Why would it make her act like that?”
“You said hallucinations.”
Fluttershy shook her head. “I said delusions. And she wasn’t hallucinating anything. She was looking right at her reflection and talking to herself.”
“Well…” Rarity frowned. Fluttershy was right. Rainbow Dash might have been acting strange, but she didn’t appear to have been actively imagining anything. She hadn’t acted as though her reflection was talking back. And who hadn’t spoken to their reflection in the mirror from time to time? The medicine explained some of the behavior, but not falling in love with herself. It was almost as if Rainbow Dash had been given a love potion, but instead of meeting the eyes of another pony, the first pony she had locked eyes with had been herself. Unless… “Didn’t you mention something about some ponies using this medicine in love potions?”
“Um, yes, but that wouldn’t explain, um, this.” Fluttershy gestured to Rainbow Dash’s prone figure lying behind the table.
“And why not?”
Fluttershy bit her lip. “Well, I only just read about it in one of my magazines the other day. Some ponies in Canterlot have been using it—”
“Astragalus?” Rarity asked, her eyes widening.
“Um, yes?”
“I read that article, too,” Rarity said. “You’re right. It isn’t a love potion at all.”
Fluttershy nodded. “It’s more like a truth serum.”
Rarity remembered. Astragalus could “reveal the inner desires of your beloved’s heart,” or so the magazine had claimed, but it had never mentioned anything about forcing ponies to fall in love with anyone else.
“The magazine I read,” Fluttershy continued, “said that if you think somepony likes you, or, um, somepony else, but they’re trying to keep it a secret, if you give them astragalus, they’ll show their true feelings for you. And it said that if you think your coltfriend has been, um, unfaithful, all you have to do is give him some astragalus. If somepony gives you astragalus, you’ll show who you truly love without even realizing it.”
Rarity chuckled at the implication. “So unless Rainbow Dash’s true love is herself, that means we’ll have to look for our culprit elsewhere.”
“Yeah.” Fluttershy smiled. “She has always thought very highly herself.”
Both Rarity and Fluttershy laughed. It made an uncomfortable amount of sense when Rarity thought about it, though. She had often suspected, and remarked as much to her friends, that Rainbow Dash loved her own image above all else. Yes, it made a very uncomfortable amount of sense…
Fluttershy’s laugh died at the exact same moment as Rarity’s. They stared at each other for a long, quiet moment.
Fluttershy shrunk back. “It couldn’t be!”
“We need to get the rest of that medicine away from her,” Rarity said quickly.
Fluttershy nodded.
“You don’t think she’ll be dangerous, do you?” Rarity asked.
“I don’t…” Fluttershy looked in through the window. “Um, where did she go?”
Rarity spun around and looked inside. Rainbow Dash was gone. Rarity’s eyes darted all over the room, but she found it alarmingly lacking in delusional, self-obsessed pegasus ponies. “Oh no.”
Rainbow Dash was loose. She could have been anywhere by now. She was deranged, and worst of all, she was loose. And even worse than that, she was deranged. And loose! Rarity’s breath caught. What might she do? What if Dash found out that they had been spying on her? Why, she might flay their very flesh from their bones! Deranged ponies did that, right?
“Hey, guys!” a raspy, excited voice said, just behind them.
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Well, that was good, not entirely unexpected though.
Still an awesome story though.
She's nuts.
So. Rares and Shy are conspiracy theorists and Rainbow Dash needs to go to the hospital.
Nice.
Can't say I am surprised.
When I first started reading this story I thought Dash would be in love with herself, but I quickly dismissed it. Way to make the most ridiculous scenario the one that actually happens!
this took a turn i was not expecting
When I first read the title, I assumed it was going to be a story about Rainbow Dash convincing Rarity to crash a "date" as a means of starting a date with Rarity. Depending on the writer, it could have been both funny and sweet.
When I read the first two chapters, I assumed the date was with Flitter, and Rarity was just comically missing the point.
I was honestly hoping it wasn't going to be a Dash hyper-narcissism story.
Well that went about as well as anything I have seen.
Good job with the story so far and way to keep the mood. I always pictured Rarity as slightly into those types of thinking about her friends, and this just makes it hilarious.
Can't wait till the next chapter of this story, and the only thing I can think of right at the end is a "Here's Johnny!"
I do not see a derpy pony.
I see Derpy, a pony.
One day I will figure out how to get a sig on Fimfiction.
I didn't think Rarity was into that stuff.
Touche on making me think it was flitter. Well played.
4038934 Rereading the story I see what you mean, but originally this sequence of events didn't even enter my mind as a possibility, so I thought this chapter was an excellent twist.
Can't wait for more.
Did anyone actually think it was going to be Flitter?
Because I realized Rainbow Dash was talking about herself when she mentioned "knowing them her whole life" combined with "best at hoof-something in Ponyville." Some ball game. She would never call anyone else better than her at something.
Side story. Now.
Drugs and lesbian sex cults went hoof-in-hoof, after all. Everyone knew that.
Oh, Rarity...
This title only makes me think of this
Called it! I was reading the second chapter and immediately thought the only one Dash would be talking about so highly was herself. though, the idea of it being a medicine induced, delusionary side effect has me rolling. please, keep it up. shenanigans must ensue
Well, if I were fluttershy or rarity, I would have shat myself with that end of the chapter.
Looks like I called it, more or less. Definitely befitting the Random tag.
Dash isn't narcissistic, she has a perfectly healthy amount of self love. If she wasn't drugged off her butt.
4039321
I would've tried using the other as a meat shield.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Einstein, eat your heart out.
Oh boy, this has reached
levels of insanity and it's only the third chapter!
Welp, I did not see that one coming. Well played, HBAO. Well played.
This explains... a lot. xD
4039051
Of course, some have thought it was Flitter and just like another poster, I thought it was going to be Rarity crashing a date in order for Rainbow to hook up with her. But once the suspicions were sent on Flitter, it started making less sense that it was Rainbow Dash shipped with Flitter and more sense that it was RD self-shipping
Imagine how she would act in that mirror fun-house thing.
I KNEW IT!!!!!!
Wow. The plot-twist here was huge. I like it.
4039786 LOL! well now I'm sure that is the medicine and that she's not acting like that on purpose thank goodness
Well, I have to admit I'm glad it wasn't a matter of Rarity being utterly obtuse/having a mental block due to her annoyance with Flitter. That said, I think I'm still missing something:
Culprit for what?
They seem to have figured out everything that happened already.
4039167
Seconded.
Well, they're busted, though it sounds like Rainbow doesn't care. She's probably too exiced about being proposed to. Now she's going to start rambling about and spitting blood all over Rarity and Fluttershy, poor Rarity, that's going to stain her coat horribly.
...........................................................................IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!!!!!
I knew it!
This story is defintely random. And I kinda want some of this medicine now.
Keep up the fantastic work, this gave me my best laughs of the day
DJRD
This is horrible! (The events in the story I mean, it's very well written, if a bit sick)
I usually hate fakeouts like this.
But then they're usually not so well done.
Lookin' forward to the rest.
4040598
That's the joke. They joke about either her date was herself or someone else, then it dawns on them that it really is herself. So there isn't another culprit. They hadn't figured it out when they said that.
RD in love with herself. This pushes her ego to Seto Kaiba-like proportions.
4039167
Quite stylish.
This is very silly. I approve.
No, Rarity - it's just poultry.
That's it, Rarity; we're cancelling all your subscriptions to the tabloid newspapers.
It's... beautiful. Pure poetry.
So, will this end in a happy ending for RD? Or a bad break-up, complete with bitter custody battle over the children? I'm talking about the Daring Do collection and Wonderbolts memorabilia, of course.
4040712
Why blood? ... Hm, unless...
You mean blood and ichor, as her eyes roll back into her head to reveal portals to the Void, filled with nameless horrors. As tears of fire drip down her cheeks Rarity and Fluttershy open their mouths to scream only to have the air ripped from their lungs while Rainbow Dash exposes her true form with the sound of organs spilling and bones twisting in delirious chorus. The radiance of an Elder God sets their very flesh at war with itself until there is nothing left but vaguely visceral puddles standing at the feet of the feathered and terrible beauty whilst the pitch of the Old World stains the sky black with echoes of screams in her praise, the adulation of the damned.
4041868 ... Um, no... I just meant cause her mouth was bleeding from eating the mashed potatoes with rocks in them... that's all... I'll be going now *runs away*
So um. This happened I guess?
I think I need a higher BAC to get the full effect....
so, that just happened.
those images, they require new r34 daydreaming.
have fun guys, imma heading back to work.
Huh. Didn't see that one coming. Though I probably should have!
Well done, you got me. I was a bit...leery of this one at first, but you've impressed me! Liked and fav'd! Can't wait for more!
4041895
Mission accomplished! /evil cackle
derpicdn.net/img/2013/5/12/322552/thumb.png
...
It's cupcake time
Hah, alright.
Nice one, man.
~Skeeter The Lurker
4041245
Ah, I hadn't quite followed that sequence either before you explained it. Now I do. Thanks.