Dear Princess Celestia
You are a stupid, dumb, lying jerk and I hate you. You said that you would only make me share my mom with you one time: "just this once" was what you said exactly. And now there's pictures of you kissing my mom in the newspapers and ponies were laughing about it at my school. And I know it's your fault she came home late two nights ago. I've told my mom that she needs to stay away from you because you're a bad influence. If I see you hanging around my house again I'll kick you in the shins. You're a lying, fat loser and you have a big butt. I hope a bird poops on your head.
Sincerely yours,
Dinky Doo
PS. Please turn over page.
I flipped over the piece of paper and glanced at the other side. On it was a crayon drawing of me with a bird defecating on my head. Perfect. Just perfect. How could things get any worse?
"Y-y-your Majesty? Prince Blueblood requests an audience..." Ah. The universe answers my rhetorical question once again. Raven was timidly keeping her distance from me, calling from across the throne room. She had been giving me a wide berth since yesterday. She must simply have assumed that I reduced Diamond Tiara to a smouldering pile of ash.
Brilliant. Now they think that they have an actual reason to fear me. More grovelling. More begging. More loneliness.
"Send him in," I could use a verbal punching bag and Blueblood was a nice soft target for me to channel my frustrations at. I sighed and placed Dinky's letter next to Twilight's most recent one on the arm of my throne.
Prince Blueblood, Prince is his first name as confusing as that is, was technically a Duke. Part of the ancient 'Blood' family line. His grandfather was General Blackblood, a much touted tactician who so skilfully put down the Gryphon Rebellions half a century ago, and his father was Duke Redblood, a stallion whose skill with the lance was matched only by his fiery temper. Blueblood, however, was an imbecile who spent most of his time wasting his inheritance on frivolous nonsense, flirting with shallow Canterlot mares and whining.
He sauntered in like he owned the palace, turning up his nose at the black stain on the throne room floor where the melted remains of the front door had once lain.
"Auntie," I must have told him not to call me that a million times, "Why wasn't I invited to the Stalliongrad Delegates Dinner? You knew I wanted to go..." his whinging seemed to have been carefully adjusted to just the right frequency to give me a headache.
"I didn't invite you because time and time again you have shown me that you are not to be trusted. The Czar's daughter was with us and I'm told that he's looking for suitors for her..." Blueblood's ears perked up, "And I will not, and I'm going to say this twice because I know that most of what I say passes clean through the empty space between your ears, NOT under any circumstances have them even considering you as a candidate."
Blueblood sniffed, "You seem to be in a bad mood, Auntie," it was worsening with each passing second, "Well, I know just what will cheer you up... I bought a new carriage! The dual arched V7 model that I told you about when we last met! You should come see it! I parked it on the royal lawns out front!"
Blueblood often had difficulty telling the difference between things that made him feel better and things that would potentially make other ponies feel better. Empathy was never a strong point for members of the unicorn aristocracy.
"Um... am I interrupting? Miss Raven said I could come right in..."
I gasped so sharply I inhaled some of my own saliva and was forced to engage in a painful coughing fit that was most unladylike.
"D-D- Ditzy!"
The grey pegasus was looking a little flushed, peeking into the throne room cautiously.
"Um... the... the boss said it was okay for me to... deliver the mail to you instead of Penny because... because... we were in the newspaper... together...," Ditzy flushed a little deeper and shuffled her hooves.
Blueblood raised an eyebrow.
Say something. Say something, you pratt. I dare you. I dare you to say something mean to my Ditzy. Come on. Give me the excuse I need to start picking on you. The last pony who made fun of Ditzy sorely regretted it and I didn't have a whole twenty years to let my resentment of Diamond Tiara come to a boil like I did with you Blueblood. Go ahead, make my day.
"Ah Milady, welcome to Canterlot!" Blueblood swept over to her and took her hoof, pressing his lips to it. I felt my hackles rise, "Such beauty! Truly mine eyes have never partaken of such majesty!"
Ditzy laughed nervously and walked past Blueblood, ignoring him completely.
"Um... I brought you your mail..." she seemed oddly stiff. Had she somehow learned about my vengeful campaign against the editor-in-chief of the Foal Free Press? Or was it something else? "You must really like Mr Breezy's Fan Shop... you've ordered like six of his sales catalogues..." My get-lots-of-mail-from-Ponyville-in-order-to-see-more-Ditzy plan finally paid off.
"Yes... I'm... quite the fan... of his wares..."
Awkward. Things had never been awkward between me and Ditzy. Why now?
"Um... I have other mail to deliver so... um... I'll see you..." she turned and fluttered hurriedly right out the door she came in through. With not so much as a backwards glance. I felt my stomach sink. That was it? Did I say something wrong? Was it the terrible pun? She left in such a hurry... not willing to waste any more of her time with me?
I turned my irritation back to Blueblood.
"And what exactly are you looking so smug about?" I asked, scornfully.
"Oh, nothing. This is the way my face always looks," he was right. It was.
"Strange to see you being such a... gentlecolt. I don't think I've ever see you be so polite to a commoner," I said, leaning on my hoof and glaring down at him from the throne.
"I'm hardly foalish enough to be rude to the Princess' new squeeze," he laughed.
"W-w-what? How did you- How did- How many ponies were reading that small town foal's newspaper?" I spluttered.
Blueblood flicked his mane coquettishly, "Newspaper? Ha! I don't need to see it in black and white when it's right in front of me. Even a blind pony could tell you two were on the brink of something crazy," his eyebrow was waggling infuriatingly, "How many foals does she have?"
"Just one... wait, what? How did you know that she..."
"Oh, I can tell. I can always tell. The mouth may lie but the hips never do," his eyebrow was making me queasy, "You've been playing the game for quite a while haven't you? You know the quickest way to a young mother's heart, right?"
I drew myself up to my full height, "I am the Princess of all Equestria! And you shall not speak to me in such a way! But... let's say... hypothetically... that I don't..."
"The foal, Auntie. The key is the foal. Young mothers melt like butter if they see you being nice to their kids. Ha! This one time I met a young single mother at a downtown charity ball that had the kind of flank that most mares can only dream about and-"
"Blueblood!"
"Right, right. Well, best of luck with your new fling Auntie. I've got to hit the road. I'm going to take my new chariot for a spin," I swallowed the involuntary bile that always flooded into my mouth when I talked with Blueblood for an extended period of time.
"Where are you going?"
"To Stalliongrad, of course," he threw a wink my way that made my skin crawl.
Blueblood was an unbearable creep and yet... maybe...
I glanced down at Dinky's letter on the arm of my throne. Maybe it was high time I paid young Dinky a visit.
Oh wow. Getting relationship advice form Blueblood.
That's a first
It's okay. No rush. It's good either way.
Wow, Celestia must be desperate if she's taking dating advice from the Premier Jackass of Equestria...
DInky is a spoiled, little, annoying brat who needs a good slap in the face followed by a time-out in the corner. "Casual" or not, it doesn't matter, there is "casual" and then there is blatant disrespect to an individual who has done and will do more for the world than one badly-raised foal ever will. Celestia is a mare who deserves respect at all times. Being "casual" and not "grovelling" before her does not equal having no manners and Dinky firmly needs to be reminded of that, the disrespectful, ill-mannered brat. Hope she gets proper punishment for her inexcusable rudeness. Her being a foal is not an excuse for this. She's old enough to know to keep her manners, not only to figures of authority, but to her fellow ponies in general.
Dinky don't mess around, I'm tellin' ya.
Dinky, Vanquisher of Alicorns strikes again o_o
Your Dinky is really great. I think she's my favorite Dinky now
To Celestia: Go on, Princess, try to win over Dinky with a concerted diplomatic offensive! You can do it!
To Dinky: Don't let that giant sunbutt fool you! She will try to win you over with gifts and sweet words, but she just wants to take your mom away!
*Whistles innocently*
Yep, Blueblood is an asshole. Tia, Ditzy needs a hug. Get to it.
And be nice to Dinky.
(Checks outside for flying pigs) Nope, Discord isn't causing mass havoc. For a moment I thought it was the end times if Blueblood of all ponies is giving sound advice.
3848828 he's right though. Single parent with a young kid? Kid doesn't like you? Relationship over. Unless that parent is a douchebag who ignores their children.
My mother never spent long dating a man that didn't try to get along with me.
3848958 I know. That's why it's weird that something that may actually work came out of Brainless Blueblood's mouth.
3849158 I guess even he's good at something. Even if that something happens to be being sleazy.
Damn if Blueblood isn't right. You know what you have to do Celly. Make with the toys.
Geez Louise....I'm reminded of the episode of MASH that had Radar lose his shit because his mom was dating again.......
The chapter was great, not weak at all. You even gave Blueblood a bit of depth! Though at first I thought he was gonna try to court Derpy himself. Nicely done, and keep up the good work.
Hey be proud of yourself... You actually made a blueblood that I didn't cringe at how asaninely bitchy most writers make him. I don't like him, not at all, but it pisses me off when I have to skip a chapter just because blueblood is in it. I was actually waiting for her just to smite blueblood, it would have been hilarious..... But would have made ditzy scared of celestia possibly... I don't know. But otherwise, it seems like dinky is the mother and ditzy is the daughter by the way they act. Its hilarious.
Poor Celly she gonna be in a shit storm with Dinky!
Great
3848828
Why the heck didn't she send me a letter...?
3849381
That's sounds a lot dirtier than you probably meant it to...
I can't believe no one else has commented on this yet...
twentypercentcooler.net/data/39/f3/39f3142dbe904a21cfd271c6cef13cb4.png
In this series, Blueblood may be an arrogant, insufferable, douchebag, but he's smarter than he would like to let on. Especially, when it comes to mares. This guy is a playa. If Celestia thinks about what he said, this would explains why Ditzy was in a hurry to leave. Dinky told her mother to stay away from Celestia. Now Ditzy is trying to do just that. Celestia is in for a very steep uphill battle.
3850804 Oh, that is soooo Wrong!!
Dat letter tho
3850804 I laughed, and now I feel horrible for it...
Error perhaps. Keep up the adorableness
"I didn't invite you because time and time again you have shown me that you are not to be trusted. The Czar's daughter was with us and I'm told that he's looking to for suitors for her..." Blueblood's ears perked up, "And I will not, and I'm going to say this twice because I know that most of what I say passes clean through the empty space between your ears, NOT under any circumstances have them even considering you as a candidate."
I laughed at Dinky's letter.
3848828
Great new title for him! Prince Premier Jackass of Equestria Blueblood!
3849158 you do realise youve been responding to yourself as if there was multiple people right?
3856616 Huh?
You've got an extra "to" there.
still loved it. good read. hope more is on the way
Thank you for submitting to Rainbow's Library! She is happy and likes the story(I like it )
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Blueblood is the ponciest ponce to ever ponce through Equestria.
This really explains a lot. Somehow it's less offensive if I just think of him as a very small child that doesn't realize other people don't feel the exact same way he does about everything.
Heheehe!
Oh shit... Dinky means business.
Well den.
3850804
Awwww! That's so mean Celly! Awww I feel bad now...
Her heart, Celestia! FIRST YOU MUST SECURE HER HEART!
God I love the Sam Raimi Spider-Man movies...