Just trying to become a better writer. Plus, PONIES! 
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Red Line is the rising star of the Fillydelphia Racing Circuit. No pony can match his speed and precision on or off the race track. His dream is to be the fastest Pegasus ever! To bad he lives in a world with a certain rainbow-coloured filly in it...
**Props to CaptainAwesome67 for the cover art!**
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Okay i'm gonna rip this apart so that you may better yourself as an author if i may? no doing it anyway.
before I begin please note that this is CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, I am not here to undermine you or hurt your feelings or whatever, I am here to help you.
Okay the premise for this story is....Okay, it's a stereotypical wish fulfillment OC going up against the best of the best in racing which would make a good story if you managed to pull it off, but the issue is...the chapter or at least the current one has almost nothing to do with the plot given in the description.
Second problem, Avoid and I swear to fucking god AVOID the color scheme you have for your character. The Grey/red color scheme is not good color to have for an OC, hell i'd say avoid the OC maker all together and commission someone to draw him for you, there are people who are willing to do it for free. You want to stick with colors that you could picture a pony having. You can barely picture a pony having ridiculously lime green hair, the same goes for grey's and blacks.
Otherwise it's a charming fic, but it needs to be refined and worked on a bit more. I hope you work hard in your future endeavors man
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Thanks for the post, your my first!
No worries about my taking criticism well, its never been a problem for me
Honestly, if the points you raised are the only negatives of the story so far, than colour me happy. At least my writing style makes sense to the reader in this forum haha.
Regarding the OC colour scheme and the pony generator, I used that more due to the lack of any artistic ability on my part than anything else. Honestly I wouldn't even know what colours look good together.
Hopefully after a few more chapters get published (which will happen in fairly short order), I will catch the eye of a more artistic person and we can have a proper cover
Your comment about the chapter not relating to the description provided is my fault. I am more used to writing general fiction than I am periodical fanfics and as such I felt that after the introduction of the characters there was a natural break in the story. I feel it will make more sense when I release the next chapter, but I can well understand your point, With so many stories available to a person on this site, it is important for them to feel like they are reading the story they expected when they open it up. With this in mind I may combine chapters one and two.
Thank you for taking the time to write a comment!
i have had problems with my fic too, don't worry the more you write the better you'll get. If you need help, just asked or take a sample from my my fic.
PS good so far, but could be just a bit better
This is actually pretty good: for the concept, I would have anticipated something obscure, over-the-top, and over-thick with mundane description - but I think this story actually has a lot of potential -- particularly Red Line as a character: I'm very interested to see how he develops
I particularly like the line: "Before the starting note had left its horn, Red Line unloaded all of his pent up power." It gives off a strong example of Red Line's ability and partial arrogance towards it: he knows he's good, but I can tell there's going to be some kind of dilemma when he is put in his place later on...
Pretty much the only thing I found a little off about this fic was the absence of commas before names -- it's not a huge problem, but for me at least, it kind of messes up the pace.. Sorry...
As for the character design, I'm inclined to somewhat agree with Darklordcomp: while it's not as bad as he seemed to have put across, the colour scheme is a little uh, 'immature', in a word; sorry
Although, it is a benefit that he's not black and red, and that he doesn't look silly: his hair's quite 'regular.' 
And for an OC, it's fortunate he's not an alicorn 
(I MEAN, what kind of loser has an alicorn OC...? Ha, ha...)
Anyway, as ever, there's room for improvement on all aspects, but as a first fanfiction, it's really very good, and I can't say anything more than keep writing: you'll definitely hone your skills and fit yourself into a personal 'style' of writing.
(Oh, refering to the pony-generator thing, and If this isn't too [shameless self-promotion]-y, I could try drawing you a cover / profile picture if you wanted. I'm in no way in a place to put my artistic skill to anything other than a partially worthless form of recreation, but I don't have no skill at all.
http://stillbreeze.deviantart.com/
^That's a link to my DeviantART page in the odd chance you might be interested.. Just to give you an idea of my abilities.
I wouldn't normally suggest this, but to be fair, anything is better than General ZOI's Pony Generator..
Anyway, I hope this helped to some degree, and keep on working on this story: I believe, if pulled off right, (which I'm sure you'll do) it could evolve to be a really great story!
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Hey Breezie,
I want to say thank you very much for your advice and encouragement! Between the story comments and my PM inbox, I've received some very good technical and creative advice which I'm planning on using to edit the current chapters as well as keep in mind for the rest of the story. I'm working on my third chapter of my first fic and I already feel like I've grown by leaps and bounds due to great comments like yours!
Now, as for your offer to create a cover picture for this story. Let me start by saying that you sir have gravely offended me.
I took a look at your deviant page. To downplay your skills as an artist is a crime. My personal favorites are your more abstract works [The Fillydelphia Crater] and [My OC w/bg]. Also the [Innocent-Looking Manga Girl] is just plain cute.
In short, I would be honored if you wanted to devote some time toward making a cover for this story. If you do, I would be glad to give you a big shout out in my description as well as a link to your deviant art page.
PM me if you are interested and we can discuss further!
Thanks for your time reading and commenting!
This is actually really good. I saw your post in.. .Some group, I forgot which, and expected a really bad fic. This is the opposite.
That happens a lot. Hmm. Well, anyway, this is an amazing start.
I think you were going for
.
is a group of rooms people rent in a hotel
Gold.
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Woops
Haha good catch, I shall fix that immediately!
Thanks for taking the time to comment!
Hero's, with the apostrophe, means 'belonging to he hero'. The proper word here is 'heroes'.
After 'coming', you should add a comma, and after 'ya', you should change the period to a question mark. I assume that 'commen' is supposed to be 'coming'? The proper spelling would be 'comin''.
Apart from the minor grammatical errors, I love this! Like and fave!
3823716
Fixed and fixed!
Thrilled that you are enjoying my first fic! Thanks again for the time to comment and catch those errors.
I'll try and keep it interesting!
I'm following! I can't see how this won't be interesting.
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Very nicely done! I can't wait to read the rest of the chapters.
I love the ending of this chapter
a few grammatical errors that I recommend fixing. At the end of the quotations you leave non-proper nouns capitalized, unless a proper noun, it should be. Other than that I didn't find anything really wrong with it. Can't wait to read the next two chapters 
Alright. Constructive criticism time.
Darklordcomp has a point...in a way. Me personally, I don't care about color scheme so long as you can interest me in the story. However first impressions really, really, matter on this site that's full of black and red alicorns and whatnot. Also cover art. I wrote a great story, but the cover art was a originally a rainbow burger tower, and the title of my fic was "Rainbow Burger" so every one immediately thinks it's just Cupcakes with burgers and give automatic downvotes. Sigh. It's way more than that, but this isn't about my fic. It's about yours.
First thing that I noticed was the bold font and the ALLCAPS and the BOLD ALLCAPS. Believe me there is a time and place for those things, but when it's the first thing that greets a readers eyes in the first few paragraph, you better believe half of your readers are going to hit the back button faster enough to break the time barrier. Always, always think about your readers eyes. Always.
Also...indention. I don't care what the anyone says, I always love to see stories indented. Why? It's actually kind of a psychological thing. Indention show that you care! What you have written isn't a wall of text, you were wise to space your paragraphs, but you'll be going an extra mile if you indent each and every one of them. For some reason unindented text just tells the reader on an unconscious level that the story is sub par and not worth their time. I know I usually make up my mind about a story just by how it looks on my screen.
These seem like small things, but really they're big ones. I guarantee you'd have a few less downvotes and a few more upvotes if you simply avoid the bold, the allcaps, and indent your paragraphs. It's a statistical inevitability.
This was very good! I really like this story line and can't wait to read the next chapter
Same grammatical error as last time, but other than that I didn't catch anything that sounded off. 
That was really good. I really hope that you haven't abandoned this story. I would really like to read what happens next
Overall, the story is very well written and has a good story line. I can't wait to read more. 
4104174
Thanks for your comments, im thrilled your enjoying it! OC stories can be a tough sell lol.
I am most certainly not abandoning this fic, although my updates are going to be rather slow due to my work for the next month or two.
Stay pony!
4108896 I know all about trying to get OC fics to work. I haven't had the warmest welcoming on this website. Oh well. I can't wait to read them!!
Wow, she’s really mad, he mused to himself, guess were not in the mood for banter today.
Not sure what you wanted to say here.
--------------------------------------------
Other than that, this chapter is a good read, I would like to check out the rest of the story.
I'm content enough knowing that I contribute to the enjoyment of the fans in however small a way.”
Not sure about this
------------------------------
“...Traitorous snob” Wild Fire muttered under her breath as an unimpressed Sandstorm attempted to free her hoof from her admirers grasp.
admirer's
----------------------------------
The Stadium doors slammed open again, halting all conversation as the three ponies whipped their heads around to see Red Line saunter in the lobby.
is it saunter in or saunter into?
------------------------------------
“Well well, if it isn’t my fan club! Hey Stormie, you looken to join up?”
looken?
-------------------------------------
“Woah, who plot in her cornflakes this morning?”
I do not understand this line
----------------------------------------------
Good stuff so far.
“Honestly, service has always been a problem at this establishment”
establishment,”
Missing punctuation
----------------------------
Spectrum smiled, “well, at least until Wild
"Well
---------------------------------
“See here! What a waste of a perfectly good beverage! You know, you two should pour yourselves a glass of grog. I’ve always said that it builds character, which is something this establishment seems to be sorely lacking”
Needs punctuation for the end of this statement.
----------------------------------------------
“I would be buying you drinks all night, but if you’re gonna be picking up his tab it would put me out of business”
Needs punctuation for the end of this statement.
-----------------------------------------
Spectrums response was to lower the mug of vial drink from his mouth and release a rather undignified belch.
Spectrum's
vile
--------------------------------
Mach chuckled, “thanks for making my point.
Thanks
----------------------------------------------
“What? You were the one who scared the plot out of me!”
plot or manure?
-------------------------------------
Wild Fire was still coughing as she waived her hoof
waved
------------------------------------------
Red smiled behind his guard despite the pain.
I do not understand this part.
---------------------------------------
“Oh plot,” she shot a wing out
plot or manure, crap?
-----------------------------------------
“listen, I’m sorry for getting so mad
Listen
---------------------------------------
"not that you didn’t
Not
---------------------------------
“don’t be stupid Red, modesty doesn’t suit you.
Don't
------------------------------------------
Good stuff so far.
He was immediately punished for his ambition when rose up into a beam of daylight streaming in through the pub's dirty windows;
I do not understand this sentence.
------------------------------------------
Luckily a low-hanging cloud had been
Luckily,
----------------------------
The three friends violently jostled through a storm of wings, legs, and hooves as the disturbed masses shouted some less-than-supportive remarks their way.
masses is not quite the right word.
---------------------------------
“Somehow I doubt us making it had anything
“Somehow,
--------------------------------
I cant believe we didn’t
can't
-----------------------
obvious your not gonna
obvious you're/your are not gonna
--------------------------------
“Whats going on today anyway? That’s the third
Need a contraction for what is but I am not sure how to write it.
Need another one for That's too.
You might be right.
-----------------------------------------
pass by through the filmy windows lining the sides of the car.
Is "filmy" being used right here?
----------------------------------
“Ugh”
“Ugh,”
-----------------------------------
he was still unconscious”
he was still unconscious,”
missing puntuation
---------------------------------
“seriously Spec? It’s like, ten in the morning.”
"Seriously
---------------------------------
“I said were almost there! Wake your flank up!”
we are contraction.
were is not it.
----------------------------
“thanks Goldie, I appreciate knowing somepony
"Thanks
----------------------------
“come on you creeps. We gotta get to the registry.”
Come
Registry
-------------------------------
Red Line’s eyes traced the large cloud pillars that ran along the exterior of the structure as if capturing the intermittent stone floors within the beautifully carved cloudstuff skeleton.
Are you sure intermittent is used right here?
--------------------------------------
“great, how long do you think
Great
--------------------------------
Good one Stormie, but you must have taken one to many falls during your training
too
----------------------------------
Good stuff.
4102054
Hey, thanks for taking the time to comment!
I definitely understand what your getting at here. Unfortunately, books are often judged by their cover, and the black and red OC syndrome has run rampant. If my main goal were to gain fimfiction fame and max viewers, I would definitely make changes to my cover art and OC design in order to avoid the stigma as you suggest.
However, my focus is more on the story telling aspect though as I am using my love for MLP as a medium to work on my writing abilities as a whole. As such, I am choosing to pretend such aesthetic issues don't exist for the moment as they dont help with my authorial skills and are more a specific preference of this particular sites readers.
Indentation I see as a personal preference as well, more suited to print books vs. online media.
As far as the bold caps indicating the speaker's voice is amplified, I have to agree with you. Now that you have mentioned it to me, it does seem like an eyesore. I think I will try to remedy this by adding a paragraph before the announcers speak, defining the setting and easing people into the story before the announcers begin. Ill give it a go and see if it works better.
Thank you very much for you comment, you've given me much to consider.
4117485
Hey Hey, thanks so much for taking the time to help spot those errors, I really appreciate your interest!
I have fixed all the grammar errors and some of the other points you raised. Some words/questions you raised were good points, but in the end I decided to keep them for stylistic reasons.
Thanks for taking the time, I'm glad you're enjoying the story and thanks for helping me make it even better!
Spectrum's character really reminds me of Brock from Pokemon, I'm not gonna lie.
4233043 haha is that a good thing or a bad thing?
I've read through all of your stories today and this is by far my favorite. I'd love to see you update, and it definitely deserves a better +/- rating than it has right now 0.o
If you ever want a little bit of editing/prereading done, I'd be happy to take a look over stuff for you if you'd desire it.
4233094
Neither, but it does make me want to go back and watch old pokemon episodes
4233193
Wow, thank you for the kind words!!!
I am proud of this piece as it is the first story I put out on this site and as I continue to work on it I feel my growth as a writer really shines though. Honestly I'd have to say I'm more proud of this work than I am of my well received "Ask" series (although I am thrilled about the reception I've gotten for those stories as well).
It gladdens me to find someone who thinks the same
.
Also not to worry, I fully intend to continue working on this piece, albeit at a rather slow pace for the next few months due to my work.
I would be honored if you were willing to take the time to do a bit of proofreading
.
If you were able to spare the time for it I would be more than happy to give you a shout out in the description if you would like.
Thanks for the read and the feedback!
Cheers
ks like I have yet to read this story, huh? Well, we better fix that!
*reads*
Oh lookie at that! My desire to help people by assisting in edits is making itself known! Again! Let’s get started. As in the past, feel free to tell me to bug off and/or completely ignore anything and everything I have to say. Right, formalities out of the way, we can begin! *cheers*
That seems like a title to me, so it should be capitalized.
Same as above, this is a title. I’m not sure if “the” needs a capital but “derby” and “royal” both should. This happens a few times. A quick read through (or the help of control+F) and you’ll be all set! Also, before I move on, can I just say that the banter between the announcers was very amusing. I quite enjoyed it.
The start of a character’s though sentence is the start of a sentence and therefore needs a capital. Man, did I have a hard time figuring THAT out!
You’re.
We’re as in ‘we are’.
Plural possessive, apostrophe after the ‘s’.
The audience was already silenced, as of this line:
Easy enough fix, you just need to tweak one of them or add a line saying that the noise grew again while Red was bantering with Sandstorm.
Plural possessive, apostrophe after the ‘s’.
Oh hey! I’m being nit-picky again! Sorry about that. It’s just that if Red leaves before the note left the horn, that could be interdepended as him leaving before the signal to do so. Perhaps before the note finished leaving?
Whelp, chapter one done! I do think that, for a first story, this is really good. Much better than some of the other things I've seen. *shudders*
You do a good job of introducing characters and their descriptions, slipping them in rather than the annoying blunt X was a Y-coloured pony-type with This colour mane and This cutie mark that meant That. Anyway, off to the next chapter!
Chapter Two, ready go!
Same as last chapter, a new sentence in the thoughts needs a capital.
Plural possessive, needs an apostrophe after the ‘s’
Singular possessive, missing an apostrophe before the ‘s’.
I think you may have the wrong word here. Perhaps you meant “betrayed”? Or am I confluffled?
Unneeded capital.
Same as above, a new sentence in the speech needs a capital.
Unneeded apostrophe as it is plural and not possessive here.
Singular possessive, missing an apostrophe before the ‘s’. You have gotten a lot better about these in your newer stories.
Two more comments before I call it a night. First off, plot is another word for but, basically. Some of the times you use it seem out of place. If you’re looking for a word in place of the s-word, may I suggest dung? Other than that, I love Spectrum! He’s really funny! I may do chapter 3 in the morning, depending on how I'm feeling. See you later!
4643917
Silver Moon, have I told you that your the best lately?
You get a yay. And a moustache.
To be honest, the one week jump in the middle of the chapter was kind of off-putting and weird. So I guess, since registration closed, Red's not gonna be able to race... is he gonna just go out and race anyway or something?
See?
Even Dashie doesn't know, and she was there.
Anywho, on the whole I liked the chapter and the parallels you were drawing there. Should make for a nice gag scene when he finds out that that mare was the one who set the record
I used way too many emotes, didn't I.
4657984
Thanks Caco, glad your continuing to enjoy!
hmm jarring time jump eh? Hmmmm, do you think it would solve the issue if I put a little
*Five days later*
line after the break to better show time has passed? Or did you find it jarring because it was unexpected as far as the storyline?
4716429
Yeah... I don't really remember what it was right now to be honest (It's early morning and I'm tired
), but I think yeah I might have just missed the time jump at first which was probably what confused me... I don't remember lol. But yeah.
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I added the *five days later* thing after that break. hopefully that makes the time jump more clear. Thanks Caco
4643712
Racers' intuition? As in, the intuition belonging to multiple racers?
Whose intuition is it? A racer's intuition. It's a pretty tricky usage, but I'm fairly certain that this is the most correct of the ones offered. Being two.
Also, sorry if I seem a bit arrogant. That wasn't the intent.
All I can say is that you definitely don't deserve such a steep upvote/downvote ratio...
Well, keep up the good work, I'll be following the rest of your works with bated breath... any idea what you're working on next?
4751213
Thanks Caco! Im glad someone out there likes this story as much as I do
lol.
As for whats next, I have a few things I want to work on at the moment. A wrap up for Eleven and Counting has been planned for a long time, also an Ask Big Mac oneshot. I also had a cool adventure story thought up that just so happens to line up with the latest EQD writing challange. Im not sure, next time I sit down to write, we will see what comes out
3823776
4643917
Hey guys! I know I'm a loser and took forever finishing this one
, but I found myself curious as to how you guys thought it turned out?
Let me know, if you have the time!
Stay Pony,
Well, looks like you've assembled a small team of people helping you out here. Aw, well. The more the merrier, right? And besides, everyone is always going to miss something. Allow me to pick up what I found.
Most people think in present tense, so maybe “It was” should be “it is” and the “had” should be dropped.
“Lets” should be capitalized and “let’s,” as it is the start of a sentence and short for “let us.”
“It’s” should be capitalized and you’re missing a period at the end.
“He” should not be capitalized. This error happens a few times. I’d point them all out but I’m lazy and it would make this comment unnecessarily long. You get a lot better at this by the end of this chapter.
This is a question, even if it is (semi)rhetorical. Question mark needed.
Plural possessive, needs an apostrophe after the s.
Possessive, needs an apostrophe before the s.
“Aint” should be “ain’t.” I’m 97% sure. This one is quite widely debated, so feel free to ignore it or look it up yourself. I’m pretty sure it needs the apostrophe, though.
I liked this chapter as a whole. It was really funny.