- Member Since 15th Jul, 2013
- offline last seen Apr 1st, 2020
ThunderCracker
They're gonna mess up my FUCKING TOMATOES.
ThunderCracker
Joined 15th Jul, 2013 ·
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Nope nope nope
Eh, it was alright. Little fast though, you should probably slow things down. Take your time to properly describe everything, from the scene you're setting to what a character is thinking or feeling. Also, try not to fall into the trap of repeating "s/he" over and over. For example:
Try to mix things up a bit, instead of repeating the same sentence style over and over. Makes things a lot more interesting to read.
LOL, this is good and I mean real good
Its rough around the edges,But it has a fair bit of potential,Mostly you just need to work on not using the same words over and over and over and over....Like
3759740 said
Never met before.
Has sex.
Automatically loves him...
Yeah, I'm out
It has potential, but dear Celestia, slow it down some!
^ This. It was so unnatural, too fast, and... hm, definitely out of character.
Some quick constructive criticism, if I may.
-Expand your sentences and add more detail, no one likes reading choppy sentences. They make the story feel even faster paced than if there were pauses.
-Study the characters more to reveal how they would use dialog in certain situations.
-Use variety in your sentences, pretend we're all children you have to fascinate through the duration of your story for a grand prize!
-Try placing yourself in the situation you're writing about. You wouldn't love someone after they've just taken you to an alternate universe just for sex, now would you? Even if it is Princess Luna.
-Read over your story once, twice, three times, even four times, to make sure everything's just the way it should be both plot-wise and grammatically.
I don't always post constructive criticism, so I hope it will be appreciated here.
I won't thumbs-down the story since you're most likely a beginner, but I do hope there's some improvement down the line! Good luck c:
And, if you read all of that, congratulations, you win a Luna!
static2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130807205555/mlp/images/2/26/FANMADE_Princess_Luna_looking_very_cute.png
XD Celestia u couldnt have come in sooner
3760466
This. This is how people should write constructive critisism. I'm not a writer, but for a few seconds I wanted to be one of them just so I could use your advices in my life.
...wait, I can actually use them while writing my comments!
Also, I've won Luna! woo hoo
too fast, but really good
So good.
Read like stereo instructions.
I don't generally read clopfics, but the comments regarding sentence structure got me to poke this with a ten foot pole (Rather than my twenty foot pole bow-chicka...) and I have to agree, this is frustrating to read.
Virtually every sentence starts with "he", "she" or a name. I thought I had a major issue with using "his" or "he" in most sentences in my own writing, but this is rather extreme.
Other than that and some hardcore cliche action, it's not too poorly written besides those two relatively easy to fix issues.
That was WAYYYYY too fast for me.
the best and the only good part in this story
the idea is nice
the way you put it in motion i just overkill... your going too fast
a fucking goddess drops in you house (Luna is best) by a chance shes a pony, your reaction? WTF then in a few seconds... yes, i understand, its ok to have an alter ego (where the hell did that come from?)
then the bed... i like clop fics like any other guy, but you don't clop just for the clop itself and you don't just write fast clop, for god sake man, fucking takes time, you do things.... not just, in, out, im done...
could been a great story if you've added more into it
Idea good but tooooo fast
3766064 It's a tired idea, but yes, things moved FAR too fast.
3765479
Exactly, most of the time I just read this stuff cause its different(or for the hell of it), so for the sake of us all, have some fore-play and a MUCH, slower beginning.
The ending gave me a quick chuckle tho, a QUICK chuckle.
Meh storytelling, absolute shit pacing, however it is a clopfic and therefore both of those are merely sideline issues. The clop was decent, dialog was a mix of bad and good. Overall 5.4 out of 10
Haters. Haters everywhere on this story.
. I didn't think it was too bad though ^^
Comedy tag? Check.
Human? Check.
I wasn't expecting anything. Story is as dumb as in any porn movie, just lvl up "Alien horse in my house? Horny alien tiny horse? Looks nice, let's fuck!"
But the cloppity-clop parts wasn't bad.
Cue Belt from the Crudes! "Dun dun daaaaaaa!"
Looking forward to the next chapter :D
would love to see another chapter of this not bad for a story
That awkward moment when a family member catches you being fucked by a member of a different species.
I like this story.
lol i liked this. sequel?
it was quit enjoyable, fast paced but its a clop
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/500x/48796048.jpg
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4264982 cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/500x/45027936.jpg
Anyway....
That awkward moment that the PRINCESS OF THE FUCKING NATION can't find something to fuck her, so she goes to self-insert heaven so the author can pretend to fuck her while hiding under the clever ruse of being somebody else.
Wait.... Awkward isn't the word I was looking for.... Now, what was it? Oh yeah! That bullshit moment.
>2014
>making a separate chapter to announce sequel
There's a button for that, ya know.
4271606 Okay so we've got you link to a picture....
4264982 And then we've got his link to a picture.
Well, I'm just sorry for being on this world, if you don't like the story, oh well. Deal with it and move on. There have been worse stories.
4272382 Nah, that was for that guy.
4271463 Now we just need another
Liked the story but you should have written the actions with more live, a few of them felt lifeless
thumbs up for you cause of the last line
So this Anthony dude is into bestiality?
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good very good
Oh look my sister is at the door...
OOHHH ShIT!
Wow. As eager as you were to skip past introducing the human to all of this, why didn't you just say that he'd been living in Canterlot for a few months? That would have made far more sense than "I don't know what this alien thing in my house is but I'm down to fuck it at the drop of a hat".
5314302 I think he is more of a xenophile.
A good Story but could have been better build up.