1. Member Since 13th Jun, 2013
  2. offline for 42w, 6d

An author, editor, and Star Wars extraordinaire. I am a Jedi, like my father before me.

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Underneath its shining exterior and gleaming buildings, the streets of Manehatten are much darker than they appear. A secret war wages within the streets, and Coco Pommel has stumbled into it.

Written for Equestria Daily's Writer's Training Grounds - Rarity Takes Manehatten.

Cover art by Cherydj.


First Published
7th Jan 2014
Last Modified
7th Jan 2014
#1 · 172w, 2d ago · 1 · ·

Not bad, not bad at all, especially for a first story. Grammatically I didn't notice any major flaws, so you should be good there, but then again grammar was never my strong point. The writing was solid as well, maybe a little on the drab side, but nothing that dragged the story down. I will say that it was a little odd that the carrot dog vendor seemed to speak so formally. Perhaps that was an aesthetic choice, to keep in line with the theme of subtlety, but it just felt a tad out of place with how gently he spoke to Coco.

I'm no master writer, but if I could offer some feedback I'd say maybe use some more colorful descriptive words. Manehatten is a bustling hub of culture and commerce; try to convey that using sensory words. Talk about smell and sound, those are two good ones for city streets.

I'd offer more, but I'm new to this whole feedback thing as well. Hope this comment helped, and keep up the good work! :pinkiehappy:

#2 · 172w, 2d ago · · ·

Amazing *cheering and clapping*

#3 · 172w, 2d ago · · ·


Thanks! I always hope for good grammar, because it's not my strong suit either. Details are the major bane of my writing, I have to work to incorporate details and make the story more interesting. And as I go on, hopefully the characters will gain more personality, and drop the more formal tone that I frequent. But it's a process, I suppose.


Thank you!

#4 · 172w, 2d ago · · ·

>>3752007 no thank you amazing-totally-better-at-writing-writer

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