Chapter 1: Digits Be Done
The portal shimmered in a bright light and then flashed, with Twilight stepping through on her hind-legs shortly afterwards. Teetering back and forth while waving her hooves, she fell forward… on her face.
“Twilight!” Fluttershy cried out, wincing.
“You’re back!” Rainbow yelled, flapping over the pained body of Twilight.
“You got the crown!” Rarity said. “And you fell. Are you quite alright, dear?”
Twilight struggled to lift her head up, grimacing and rubbing her jaw. “I knew you could do it!” Pinkie said, enveloping Twilight in a close hug that sent her jaw into pure agony.
“Girls, girls, back up a bit, please!” Twilight said, pushing Pinkie away. Her hooves slid and stood unsteady beneath her, and when she finally managed to support herself on all her hooves, her knees buckled and fell back to the cruel embrace of the floor yet again.
“Hey, Twi, ya sure ya can get up fine?” Applejack asked, taking a few steps forward with a hoof out to help. “Cause if ya need any—”
“No, no, I got it,” Twilight interrupted. Sticking her tongue out with sweat pouring down her forehead, she heaved herself up on her rump. “I just need to get used to not having my human body anymore.”
“Sunset Shimmer, is she alright?” Celestia asked.
“I think she’s going to be fine. I left her in good hands,” Twilight said confidently. Her eyes widened suddenly, her lips pursed in pause, and finally Twilight looked down at her hooves with a frown clear on her face. “Hands…”
Rainbow Dash and Rarity shared a strange look, and Rainbow asked, “What are hands?”
Just then, Spike rushed out from the mirror and accidentally ran into Twilight’s backside. Before he could stand, Twilight grabbed him by the waist and whisked him off his feet, shaking him in front of her friends. “Hands! Hands, like Spike has!” Waving Spike’s arms, Twilight said, “See? They have fingers and palms and opposable thumbs!”
“Uh, Twilight, why are you shaking my arm like a noodle?” Spike asked.
Twilight released Spike and looked back at her hooves. “Hands! That’s what I used to have. But not anymore…”
“So what? They’re just hands.” Rainbow shrugged.
“They’re more than just hands! They were my hands! My beautiful, soft as Rarity’s bottom, hands!”
Rarity tilted her head. “How do you know what my bottom feels like?”
Twilight’s lower lip quivered as she touched her hooves together. “I had fingers and fingernails and knuckles and even nail polish! Now all I have are these… hooves.” Twilight sighed sadly after the last word.
“Now, why are hooves so bad?” Applejack asked, staring at her own with a raised brow. “Seem pretty darn useful if ya ask me.”
“Are you kidding me? They’re basically stumps compared to what hands were like! With hands, I could grab stuff, touch things with my finger, scratch my back with my nails if I wanted to. But with these,” Twilight said, waving her hooves all around, “having hooves instead of hands is like going out to a movie and finding out the theater is really just a creepy, dark alley and that popcorn is just a euphemism for a mugging!”
“That… makes absolutely no sense,” Rarity said, backing away slowly from Twilight. “Darling, are you sure you’re alright? You didn’t bump your head or anything?”
“Spike, how did you get through the portal?” Twilight asked anxiously. Holding either side of Spike’s cheeks and squeezing them until his eyes bugged out, she brought him close until their eyes were only inches apart. “How?”
“De purtul es dill ‘pan?” Spike guessed, spittle flying out of his lips.
“Then I still have time!” Twilight said, turning around and rushing back to the portal. “Hands, you’ll be mine once ag—”
Twilight’s face impacted with a hard surface for the second time in less than five minutes as she ran right into the mirror. Slowly sliding to the ground while releasing a groan of pain, Twilight began beating on the mirror with her hooves while crying pathetically. “No! No, it can’t end this way! I’m sorry I ever wanted to come back! I want my hands back! Can you do that for me, magic mirror? Please, just give them back!”
“Twilight, relax already!” Rainbow said loudly. “We were all so worried about you, and then the minute you come back you want to return? I thought you were our friend?”
“What’s so great about hands anyways?” Fluttershy asked, hiding behind her mane.
“What’s so great about them? They’re the best appendages anyone could ever have!” Twilight said as she leaned back on the mirror and teared up as she inspected her plain old hooves. “With fingers I could pick up an apple, type at a computer, play a guitar, and even mast—erm, master playing the piano.”
“But can’t you just do that with your hooves?” Pinkie asked, staring at Twilight’s hooves with wide eyes. “Pretty much everypony can. Ooh, and you can use magic, too!”
“It isn’t the same, Pinkie! Can’t you all understand that?” Twilight asked with tears pooling in her eyes. “I can’t do jazz hands anymore, the peace sign, running my fingers through my mane, thumbing someone up, holding out my pinkie finger in a pretentious way while drinking tea to appear fancy, or even thumb-wrestling! All those experiences, gone! Gone forever! These are like chopsticks compared to sporks!” Twilight sobbed, holding her head in her hooves.
“Psst, Dash, what are chopsticks?” Pinkie whispered as Twilight cried louder.
Rainbow shrugged. “I dunno. Something oriental maybe?”
“Now I’ll never get to pick my nose again!” Twilight attempted to shove her hoof into her nostril, only for her efforts to be unsuccessful. “All the wasted years! I soiled them! Soiled them, I say!”
Twilight cradled herself in the fetal position and sucked on her hoof. As everyone gathered around her to look with mixed amounts of pity and annoyance, Fluttershy asked, “Is she going to be okay?”
“Just give her two hours and I think she’ll be over it,” Spike said, crossing his arms and shaking his head sadly. Scratching his chin, he added, “Though, I can see where she’s coming from. I guess there are some dog things I’ll miss.”
“Like what?” Rainbow asked curiously.
“Well, being able to pee on trees without judgement from others. That was pretty sweet. Along with licking myself wherever I want.” Spike lifted up his leg and smiled in surprise. “Hey, I can still do it! I didn’t even know I was this flexible!”
“Okay, everyone out!” Applejack shouted when Spike began to stick out his tongue.
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*RainbowBob story hits the site*
*Goes to click it*
*Copious 502 errors ensue*
I postulate that the sheer awesomeness was not containable by Fimfic
Write that fucking Dredd story or I swear I'll fucking cut you
inb4 insta-Feature.
It took me a few tries to get the piano joke.
FIVE STARS! A+! FOUR STARS!
Its okay Twilight, Lyra knows that feel.
And it's been how long since that movie came out...?
Surprised no one's done this till now.
~Skeeter the Lurker
wow. I am very glad i can't empathize. My hands are still present
Twilight and Spike have no sense of restraint when it comes to new things, do they?
After reading this, I swear I will never take my hands for granted again! Also, Spike, you either just blew your chances or sealed the deal with Rarity.
Hahahahahahah!!!!!!
I LOVE this!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!
Holy dang... This was hilarious!
It was too painful to click the back button without hitting the favorite first, dood.
Just way too painful, dood.
I wonder what I would do if I lost my hands. Probably start designing a prosthesis... What if, you used magic to control each individual joint? That would be pretty close! Sure you would lack touch, but that would allow you to do all the things Twilight mentioned. Fun.
Whelp Twilight went Lyra on us and the ending with Spike
you good sir get 3 staches
Now Twilight knows how Lyra feels... too bad said unicorn wasn't there.
Oh good, another story for me to love! I really found this hilarious! Especially this part:
“It isn’t the same, Pinkie! Can’t you all understand that?” Twilight asked with tears pooling in her eyes. “I can’t do jazz hands anymore, the peace sign, running my fingers through my mane, thumbing someone up, holding out my pinkie finger in a pretentious way while drinking tea to appear fancy, or even thumb-wrestling! All those experiences, gone! Gone forever! These are like chopsticks compared to sporks!” Twilight sobbed, holding her head in her hooves.
You just made my day! :D
Heh, fun little read. Good job, Bob!
I liked it.
TWILIGHT MASTURBATES!!!!
Fetal (or foetal, if you're English).
I wish I had hands. Oh wait! I do! I'm going to go mast . . . erm, master playing the piano.
3746248 A PRINNY! How rare around these part...Maybe i should tell Etna.
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130402150112/adventuretimewithfinnandjake/images/8/8e/Soiled_it_lol_spongebob.gif
On the small list of things that are okay in this world, this story is at the top.
3746576 mmmmmmmmmno
Twilight, cats knows that feel. Isn't that right cat?
i.imgur.com/UMHan.gif
Nevermind
3746576
ew
HAHAHAHA that was fucking brilliant!
I wanna know how Twilight knows about Rarity´s bottom, maybe she was talking about the EQG Rarity´s bottom
This is the greatest simile in the English language.
Oh, and the story was enjoyable as well. Don't worry, Twilight. I'm sure you'll be able to figure out hand-shaped telekinetic constructs easily enough.
3746945 that does not even begin to describe it, my friend
3746903 probably. How can we know? We can only wonder...
Now, Twilight knows how Lyra feels.
wow,just,wow
3746576
Darling, don't be uncouth. In polite society, we refer to the act as spending quality time with Mr. Showerhead.
Nice save there!
Twilight having another nervous break down to the point of fetal position hoof sucking, that was gold.
But the ending bit from Spike was just to die!
3747126
Twilight's definitely smart enough to be a master debater.
3747321
Yeah, fingers versus magic is really no contest; magic wins every time.
fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/060/f/5/princess_celestia_approved_by_ambris-d4rftlj.png
Approved for Celestia's Library.
She can go join Lyra's club when she gets back to Ponyville.
Oh, come on. You wrote a fic about how amazing hands are and Lyra doesn't show up anywhere?
Oh Twilight just ask Luna for teaching in majesty art of nose picking
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/1/7/205606__safe_princess+luna_animated_tongue_artist-colon-arrkhal_nose+picking.gif
Oh my god!This story is funny!I would have lose it two if I lost my hands.Maybe she should speak to Lyra
Oh god.
hilarious
3748429 OH GOD! ITS IN MY BRAIN!!!!!
*BLAM* ewretfhgbmn
Twilight knows what Rarity's bottom feels like? I'm guessing that sleepover way back in season one included some midnight sessions in accordance with Molestia's lesson plan.
There, there Twilight. It's not that bad, maybe AJ can show you the art of hoof magnetism?fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/256/2/8/applejack_and_her_marshmallows_by_sharydow-d58egm6.png
And this is one of the reasons it confuses me when a human in an HiE fic chooses to become a pony just to fit in. Yes, ponies probably won't look at you as weirdly any more, but unless there's a good reason, I'm keeping my fingers thanks.
3746576
So? She's single, what do you expect?