[Alternate Ending] Witch
Come near, dear child, and to you I will tell,
The story of how our great kingdom once fell
It was on a bright day, not unlike this good morn’
That the greatest of evil and atrocities was born
Strong she was, and keen of power
Learning more about the world through every hour
And though some might say that she was yet a child,
In truth she already knew the world in its guile
Ever she grew, and love she did gain
But in her heart kindness was already slain
Fame she found, helping young and old,
But generosity could find no purchase in her soul
Relationships founded on happiness and laughter,
In her mind were nothing but cheerless rafters
She manipulated us all with flattery and lies,
Honesty being her greatest disguise
She spun of friendship a very grand tale
Her loyalty naught but an elusive veil
And on a dark night, just like last, she did say
‘This night the moon comes, and the moon I shall slay’
Drawing upon the knowledge only she possessed,
She did send a great beam, and put the ruler to rest
Bright was the burning and many were the souls,
Who gathered in the light, and vanished in the cold
Through the streets she was paraded, haggard and worn
The target of everypony’s hatred and scorn
Punished she was, for the things she had done,
For destroying the night and grieving the sun
And perhaps redemption she found, at last in the end,
As her soul passed on, without even a friend
But this is only half the story, my dear little one
For in truth, the fall had already begun
The kingdom roared and groaned as it never before had,
Twisting and turning as the gods showed their plans
Wars and rumors of wars spread like fire,
As ponies recognized the power of desire
Through the years we struggled and fought,
Watching friendship and love fall into rot
And though some may say this story is but myth and lore,
Others say the Witch of Ponyville comes, once again, once more
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here is an odd thought. tiwlight did in fact die............ what if someone restarted her heart and breath afterwards?
Damn good work you got here. I've always had a problem making rhymes sound truly right.
4135576
For science, of course.
Very interesting implications you leave here. I am intrigued. Nice tale indeed.
This alternate ending...I want it more than I've ever wanted anything before.
Awesome poem. This makes me crave that alternate ending now.
Hmmmm....Maybe a continuation?
Intriguing... Please,make more.
Lovely poem, i felt that listening to THIS really set the mood.
Cool idea man
Awww, yis!
Hmmm. I don't see(from an alternativehis chapter) any allusion towards an alternative ending, but I'd like to see what you could come up with.
Love the poetry work. Very well done.
I could easily see two alt endings, one 'good', one 'evil'.
Good alt is that something was wrong, and it wasn't really Luna that died - but something very powerful was faking being an alicorn, and only Twi saw it. Unfortunately, the collateral causalities are still unacceptable, so she is still executed.
Evil alt is that she did it on purpose, and for good reason: Taking a powerful soul is a key ingredient for making a lich's phylactery, and the other innocent lives are just a bonus. And in a few weeks, the disgraced tomb of Twilight Sparkle, the hated godslayer, is cracked open from the inside...
Just shooting out ideas, hope they are liked, even if they aren't implemented.
Well done!
You know, I think you could turn the aftermath into a whole other story. I like the last bit where, 'Others say the Witch of
Ponyville comes, once again,
once more.' Makes me feel that for some reason, Twilight would come back, and try to make things right.
4129221
I completely agree with you!
This story, while really nicely written, has a gaping hole in the middle and that's where this goes all weird.
Normally what we see in many fiction on this site are reasonably well written characters as the story progress we get introduced to who they are, where and when they live, what's happening to or around them and why it is happening. At this point what distinguish some of the best stories from some of the worst is that some authors forget that all the other characters should have a degree of depth to them you probably know how awkward it is when you read a story where you feel that only the main character has a real motivation.
What I feel happened in this story is the exact opposite, we have a lot of side characters with detailed motivations and emotional reactions to what happened all dancing around the big void that is Twilight Sparkle in this story, we know her from the show, so we can project some of our own knowledge of her background to try and fill the gap but it's not nearly enough, she is like an humongous steam engine derailed at full speed in a perfectly straight piece of rail, a terrible amount of collateral damage without rhyme or reason.
Be aware that I'm not saying the answers should be spoon fed to the reader, not at all, what I'm saying is that "leaving it to the reader" is not a reasonable way out of this.
In this case there is nothing for the reader to fill in, the entire story is based on a deus ex machina exploit that is demeaning to how well the story is actually written.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I was really drawn in by the story and seeing it end this way hurts.
4135566 NEVER first post.
4135566 api.ning.com/files/FBuk-METkC-RY3UNHVneLave9sXN0L*H2xDz3OYPJTOiarTMF-5nVSNOuAiqVosEALEde15dF6oQx6rJlqriGA__/BlueShell_62f6d8_3128139.jpg
Don't say "First" if your a first post, you could be banned.
Cool chapter by the way.
4137515
or heck have the real luna arive to late to stop it and carry it on from there
4135566 I puked a little.
Plot twist: Luna never actually got killed, she was kidnapped and an imposter attacked ponyville.
Another plot twist: the imposter used a spell on twilight to overload her magic without her realising it.
Maybe the alternate story the author mentioned could have her trial ending with someone bursting in and defending her ace attorney style!
The one gaping flaw in the story is any conceivable reason for Twilight to have committed the crime she admits she committed. There's leaving things up for interpretation, and then there's altogether sidestepping the need for the story to make sense, and unfortunately this story falls on the wrong side of that divide.
The rest is well written with varied, fleshed-out characters, but I just feel as though there's a post-it note with "Fill in later" stuck where Twilight's own motivations should go. And that's probably there for a good reason, namely that Twilight would not conceivably murder Luna, but since she did, it has to be explained.
An example of a satisfying motivation would be that Twilight had no choice but to commit the crime for some other reason - a reason that meant her crime averted a tragedy worse than the one that it caused, or so Twilight honestly believed at the time - and couldn't tell anypony else the truth for that same reason. But that reason must be at least hinted at to the reader or we're left groping for explanations like "well maybe she had some kind of psychotic break or something?", and that sells the rest of the well-thought-through story short.
This story is told from Twilight's point of view and the mindset that led her to commit her crime is absolutely crucial to how she would act from then on, which is probably why she feels so flat.
With Twilight's betrayal and subsequent death came the fall of anything related to love, friendship, kindness, honesty or anything remotely related to good.
Despite what had happened it seems to have been a REALLY bad move on their part to execute Twilight.
4138089
Sorry, I'm new here.
4129720
Ahhh... What?
Yes. Just yes.
This is perfect. Also love the poetry.
This has also been nagging at the back of my mind. Whatever happened to Discord? Will that be revealed in the future chapters or will it remain a mystery? Or will you be expensing the information to all?
4160023 Sorry for the late reply. Discord's feelings and thoughts would be extremely interesting to do, as well as what happened to him after she was hung. However, we all dream about what side characters and such would do in such a situation. I like the idea of doing him, but I'm not too suere what exactly will be done, if anything. So for now, dream away
.
4157163 Well it kinda is really. It's much more of a Kafkaesque comedy than anything else. The main protagonist is a reactor. They respond to what happens with confusion, but not as much as the situation should actually warrant, with an almost casual acceptance of the surreal as normal. Most of the other characters don't actually have much sympathy, or empathy for the protagonist despite it seeming to be a natural reaction otherwise, and a situation compounds against them rolling out of control when the character couldn't normally be responsible for everything that has actually happened, ending in a horrible and tragic way for them.
That fits this pretty much to a T. By not telling us the reason for Twilights actions, she stays a sympathetic character.
(Of course if you're talking about me referring to Seinfeld as a Kafka inspired work, there's a whole treatise written on that.)
This is among the best ponyfiction I've read (if I haven't said that already), and I've been reading for 2.5 years. It will be featured on my page for a long time.
So Sad! I mean this, after reading this I had cried a good hour.
4177470 Hour? I read this three weeks ago and I'm still not over it!
I need a life...
4175069 I do hope, when the alternate ending comes, that we see how discord plays a role in this. And also, who would wanna kill this adorable little thing? dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/21079943/80ff32c61f41ecd593b641a37a60b861.gif
4135576 Genious.
Would really like to know more about what happened to Spike
Discords there though so he could probably snap his fingers and heal him though, come to think of it, he could probably do it to the rest of the injured people as well.
Isnt hanging as execution method a bit to much for ponies? why not shot her with magic bolt or something instead of giving her a slowly death?
^heard this song and immediatly thought of this story.
God damn you Mugsy, get out of my head!
4242202 Very sorry for the late response. Honestly, listen to the composition I put at the end of the final main chapter. That pretty much describes the motivation for this story, as well as the driving force. I wanted to create a story where she (Twilight) was sentenced to death, without involving any extreme plot devices and such. Not because I don't enjoy them, but because sometimes I prefer simple but powerful stories. Make sense?
So in answer to your question, no, there was not a lot of truly hidden meaning in the story. Allusion, yes, but not a disguised question of morals, other than perhaps my own writing of the panic and anger of the ponies, in mimicry of humans, since a lot of us love them for being essentially human characters.
4271877 Changed it. Thanks for catching that! You have my appreciation two-fold!
I was never one for poetry, however, I did find this pseudo alt ending rather enjoyable.
It puts in a few ideas for the mind to go and play with for a bit.
One thing about the story that I thought it could benefit from is perhaps the brief possibility of a "private execution". You know, just another little thing for Twilight's mind to fancy for a bit before she decides (Or it is decided for her) the it wouldn't be right and that she should face the world. (or something like that)
I can't say that I recall her sentence being strictly a public execution, only that she had to die for her "crimes".
Either way, just something more for Twilight to mentally torture herself over.
Food for thought.
Look forward to more from you.
Every once in a blue moon you just gotta read a sad story you know?
Plot twist: The narrator is Twilight's reincarnation.
This is, by far, one of the greatest stories that I have read in these recent years. And sir/madame, I applaud you! Your writing style is eloquent, your build up, maximal. And the raw emotions received by the reader, fortissimus! Thank you for this masterpiece!
4397344 No no, thank YOU for loving it so much, and taking the time to share your thoughts!
I can't believe it took me so long to read the whole thing after reading the first chapter a long while back. It was well worth the wait.
I had been looking for an excellent tragedy story for quite some time now, and after reading this, I really have found what I was looking for. The content is most certainly tragic and very somber; when done right, tragedies can elicit every emotion all at once, and I certainly felt that at times.
Now, what I noticed is that you are an excellent mechanical writer or have excellent editors (or possibly a combination of the two). The descriptions around are sound, bodily movements feel real, expressions are realistic--all of these aid in setting the scene for a tragedy, and they were done very well. Solid prose is perhaps the most important element of a sad, tragic, etc type story.
The big qualm I had with this story, though, also rests in the writing quality: it's painfully apparent that the mechanics are solid because you ramble and repeat far too frequently, and the excellence of those words is thrust right at us over and over again. The entire third chapter felt like a farce because every meeting had expectations, and each predictably did a 180 turn and did something else. The scene was essential, but the repetition and predictability weren't. This has led to exposition--repeated exposition, at that--numerous times.
The same goes for the character interactions. The relationship between some of Twilight's friends and almost all of the hating crowd were very well done, and I particularly liked the guards' silence as they pondered whether to do their job properly or spit at Twilight in disgust. However, some of the interactions were a bit iffy, namely Celestia's and Twilight's for some time. She seemed a little all over the place, which is understandable, but covering Twilight with her wing? I could not suspend my disbelief over that, and it sent me reeling.
I will give you credit, though. Pinkie's interaction was flawless. Perfect. One of my favourite scenes in fan fiction.
Despite that commentary, I really enjoyed this story. From the pristinely-designed setting, to Celestia's memory of Twilight right before her hanging, to Rarity wanting to kill over Applejack wanting to hurt badly (didn't care for her accents, but lots of people do it so whatever), this was a really great tragedy. Very glad I read this, best of luck to your future writing and I will certainly keep this as a favourited story.
An A-.
4823875 It's no use begging... The Mugsy will not answer your pleas... It is said that if you look into his eyes you'll see nothing but death and sorrow and that his soul is made of the ghosts of a hundred babies
Few survived the encounter to tell their tales of him, but those few have never been the same again...
I'm back, btw. D'ya miss me Mugsy?
4866369 Always appreciated your company.
MY SOUL IS A BLACK VOID THAT NONE ESCAPE!
Added to Triumphant Villains, etc.
5220438 No, many other ponies died. Was mentioned at the end of the first chapter. Also, Twilight was standing outside of the city.