Season 1, Chapter 1: This time we get our cutie marks pt.1
“Are you sure about this”? Sweetie Belle said with a very worried and scared voice.
“Don’t worry!” Scoots replied. “This is sure to get us our cutie marks. I guarantee it!"
Today was a normal day for the Cutie Mark Crusaders. This time, Scootaloo had come up with the idea of hang gliding, for neither of the other two would be daring enough to try it, let alone suggest it. The three headed up to the city hall roof, preparing for flight.
“Okay, is everypony ready?” Scoots was visibly excited for what was yet to come. The others? Less so.
“Um, maybe we could of think of something less danger — aaaa!” Apple Bloom screamed as Scoots pushed the glider off of the roof with full force. The two sane members of the CMC dug their hooves into the roof shingles, trying to stop her. But it wasn't enough. The roof fell away behind them, and before you know it, they were flying.
Any fears of heights, flight, or generic danger were left behind as the trio soared just below the clouds.
“Wow!” Sweetie belle shouted over the roaring wind.
“I know, right! I told you this was a good idea!” Scootaloo yells, her eyes watering.
The three flew around ponyville, seeing the town from a bird's perspective. They glided across ponyville, with everypony watching. The three smiled at each other, thinking, "this is a good idea." Sadly, as with all good ideas of the CMC, it didn't last very long. Out of the corner of her eye, Sweetie caught sight of a griffin that was blocking their path. It was lying on a cloud, staring pensively up at the sky. Of course, it didn't see them coming.
“LOOK OUT!” Shouting in desperation and pointing at it, the other two caught on and saw the griffon that was in their flight path. They panicked and started to spin out of control, but the griffon soon realized what was happening and started to move, albeit too late. Luckily, Apple Bloom put enough force to veer sharply to the right, avoiding the griffon.
“HEY WATCH IT, YOU CRAZY FOALS!”
They soon started to spiral out of control. Left and right, up and down, side to side. Onlookers began to fear a collision and got out of the way. The CMC flew through the main area of Ponyville and straight toward city hall. Out of pure desperation, they turned to the left and managed to go around it, regaining control. They sighed in relief and managed to stay on a straight path. But they quickly widened their eyes in shock, as they were about to crash into their own schoolhouse. It was too late to react in time.
Meanwhile, Cheerilee prepared for today's class. As she wrote something on the blackboard, she was startled by a loud crashing noise. She turned around to see the CMC next to a destroyed wall and a crippled hang glider.
“Is everybody all right?” Apple Bloom asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Sweetie Belle replied.
“Did we get our cutie marks?” Once Scootaloo mentioned it, they all looked at their flanks. They were blank as always, of course. They looked down in disappointment.
“Ahem.” They all heard a very angry sounding voice, and when they looked up, it was Miss Cheerilee, only she was not acting very cheery to see them. Just then, the school bell rang, saving them. Everypony was already seated, with the exception of the CMC, who were slouching in the corner near the broken wall, shivering from the windchill.
“Well, it looks like the blank flanks have bitten off more than they can chew.” Diamond Tiara said with a smirk on her face.
“Well, it should teach them some discipline, I say.” Silver Spoon adds, pushing her glasses up. They both started laughing until the teacher walked back in and began the class.
“Thanks a lot, Scootaloo.” Sweetie Belle gave her a mean look, showing her unhappiness.
“Hey, what did I do?” Scoots yelled.
“Don’t act so innocent — this was your idea!” Apple Bloom was angry as well. The three started fighting until Cheerilee slammed a bunch of books on her desk. Every foal became silent.
“Ok class," she said in the most positive tone she could muster, “Today we have a new student who will be joining us. He comes from Canterlot.” As soon as they heard the word Canterlot, the fillies begin to talk what kind of pony it could be. The ones most interested in this gossip were Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Probably so they would have the opportunity to talk to other high class ponies.
“Okay, come on in” said the purple teacher.
The colt walked in. He was a blue earth pony with a smooth looking red mane and tail. His cutie mark was of a Yo-Yo with sparkles on it.
“Why don’t you introduce yourself?” Cheerilee suggested. He stayed silent, however.
“I’m guessing you're a little shy.” Cheerilee said. He turned his head around. “Well, his name is Imp, and he will be joining us for class. Why don’t you sit next to those three who are still in punishment, Imp.”
He walked in between the row of tables. Everybody started to say hi to him, but he ignored every one of them. He sat down in his desk and laid his head on it.
“Hello there. My name is Sweetie Belle, and these are my friends, Apple—"
“I don’t want to talk to you, so shut up,” he responded in a unwelcoming tone.
“Hey, that is no way to talk to her like that!” Apple Bloom came to her defense.
Imp turned around, but instead of yelling back, he calmly spoke to them. “I don’t want to be bothered by anyone, so just leave me be.” He laid his head back down on his desk. Suddenly, the door opened with two stallions on the other side, one Unicorn and one Pegasus wearing black and white suits and sunglasses.
“Um... can I help you?” Cheerilee asked.
“Yes.” Once he spoke, Imp lifted his head from his desk and appeared shocked to see them. “There is a big meeting that is taking place at city hall. The Mayor said this is important for everyone,” said the Pegasus.
“I suggest you put your class on hold.” The Unicorn suggested.
“Well, okay,” She agreed. “Alright, class, let's get up and head to city hall. That includes you three as well.” She lowered one eye half way when looking at them. Everybody headed out of the classroom, but Imp began to show some fright which concerned the CMC.
“Are you ok?” Scoots asked.
“Yeah,” He replied. “Let's just go.” He quickly dashed out of the room, leaving the CMC to wonder what he was worried about. Once they got to city hall, every pony in town was there. There was chatter as to what the big news would be. But out of all of this, Imp kept getting the feeling that something was wrong. The three decided to talk to him to see what was up.
“Is something wrong?” Apple Bloom asked. “You seem very worried.”
“It's nothing.” He tried to hide his emotions, but it didn't convince them. “Tell us what you're hiding! At least let us help!” Scoots put her hooves on his shoulders but he brushed them off quickly. “Please, as if you could-” Before he could finish his sentence, they all heard the mic being tapped, indicating that the mayor was ready to speak.
“Ahem!” She took a deep breath. “Ladies and Gentlecolts. As you may have heard, there is an important announcement that this stallion right here — who is a professor at Canterlot magic academy — will reveal to us now. Come here Mr. Warp, would you?”
Warp walked up to the speaker. He was a light brown unicorn with a blonde, curvy mane and tail, wearing a lab coat and boasting a cutie mark of an atom. When Imp got a look at him, his eyes widened in shock. The fear he had felt before had started to get to him.
“No.” He said silently. “Not him.”
“Who?” Scoots asked.
“Hello there, everypony. Here is an important announcement that I think you’ll all be shocked about.” He smiled like any other normal pony. But Imp saw beneath that façade.
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Might want to get someone who can edit... But otherwise it's pretty interesting, keep up the good work.
Post edit: never mind you have one... Your summary could also use some work by the way. LOTS of spelling errors in a summary will discourage readers.
3741758 Thanks. I do got a editor but she is pretty busy at the moment so I'm proof reading and editing the best I can to get this into high quality. Don't wan't to end up like I did last time as this is the story people will remember me by for good reasons.
3741771
Edited my last post.
Nice story.
Quite a few spelling mistakes, though,
and feels a bit rushed, but other than that, me fave!
Oh dear.
This story... has a good plotline? That's the best I can say. If you proofread it and it still turned out like this, then, well, you aren't fluent in English. Sorry.
So, here's what I'll do for you: I'll copy this chapter and paste it into a pastebin. Then, I'll edit it, and you can repost the revised edition in place of this one if you think my edits improved the story (if not, no hard feelings).
The reason I'll do this is because you have a good story going here, and I don't want you to have two or three bad chapters until your editor becomes available. If that happened, anyone who reads this will start on the bad chapters and will almost certainly give up on the story. You don't want that, of course.
I've been rambling. Here's the link: http://pastebin.com/xKUKkK33
P.S. I know you have an editor already, but I wanted to post this in case she would only edit the new chapters.
P.P.S. Faved, Tracked, and Liked
Ooooh, i can't wait until the next chapter! This story has a lot of potential!!!
3742344 sure. I would love that. Tell me when its done.
3743769 It's been done already! The Pastebin link is in my previous comment.
3744416 Wow I got to say. Its really is better. Want to be my second editor just in case if the first one is busy.
3742072 All fix up.
3744421 Sounds good. When you need me (if you do), reply to one of my earlier comments. I'd be happy to help!
By the way, thank you for uploading my revised edition. It makes me happy.
3745653 Ok. I'm gonna put you in the description as well. Also your welcome.
3744934 Thanks. much better. By the way.... MOAR PLZ!!!!!!
3746033 More is coming in the way. This will be my one piece super long story only except every chapter has a purpose and the story will show progress.
3746045 Thanks. Can't wait!
Just to warn you, I review stories chapter by chapter. it is easier to follow along with what I am saying if you read this in the chapter view. (This should be for chapter one ONLY.)
Sounds interesting! I'm definitely reading the next chapter.
The only problem so far is you are a little too obvious with Imp's reactions. try to avoid phrases like "showed some fright" or "didn't trust him". Some actions speak louder than words, like "Imp's face paled"(fear)
or "Imp's eyes narrowed"(suspicion).
The Mayor's announcement also feels awkward. Try rewording the sentence.
The filly walked in. He was a blue earth pony with a smooth looking red mane and tail. His cutie mark was of a Yo-Yo with sparkles on it.
Just a little something to be concerned about- It should be a colt, unless Imp is ahem..unique? Though really, Imp sounds like a colt and not a filly.
Otherwise, interesting premise. I'll keep looking so keep posting yeah?
Take care and good luck on your endevours.
I'm not this crazy
about this chapter, but I like it.