I am The Less Anonymous Top Hat. Mostly I do pony and pony related art, but recently I've tried switching from a brush to a pen (or a stylus to a keyboard as the case may be).
Everything is perfectly fine in the town of Ponyville until an urgent and unexpected letter sends Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash rushing to Canterlot, straight into the jaws of an adventure neither of them are remotely prepared to face. Their friendship will be tested in ways no villain has yet, and the consequences will be dire for one of our heroines should the duo fail that test.
(Chronologically set in the interim between Seasons 2 and 3; Cover Art by TLATopHat)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I sincerely hope I know where the last two words in that Authors Note came from...
3741108
It's a catchphrase I've been using online for years, like a tagline or signature. Long story. Don't read too much into it
Uh... Me?
3741199 Ah. I was hoping for an Anchorman reference.
Pacing is good, characterization is spot on (unlike mine), details and imagery are layered on just the right amount, and shows incredible promise and proves its ready.
Your first chapter is a strong start.
3741884
Thanks for the encouragement, Chaotic! Hopefully, I can keep up the characterization throughout the story. I'm going to have to keep tabs on my pacing, especially in the next chapter or two. The way I'm planning it, it could drag quite a bit if I'm not careful. Good to know my instincts were good on this chapter, though!
Oh, and thanks again for the walkthrough of the site features! That saved me a lot of time when I went to publish.
3741929
No problem. And when you're in doubt, look to the FAQ.
Hey, dude! I read your story just to check if there was any adventure or stuff in it, or at least to try and find out what the story's about. But nah, chapter one tells me just as little as the story's description tells me. I mean, that has the words "adventure" and "Canterlot", it identifies Dash and Twi as your main characters, and that's pretty much it. What kind of adventure are we talking about here? A pretty casual adventure, looks like, 'cause of the story's slice-of-life tag? Seeing that tag was kinda weird; I was wondering if you'd mistagged your story. If you meant for the SoL tag, then you should've said in the description that it's more of a new-book-shipment-from-Fillydelphia–type thing, maybe an errand or a task, than an adventure. And if you did mean the word "adventure"—well, then, why didn't the first chapter give us even a glimpse of it? I'm not even asking for action, I just want the slightest bit of exposition. Luna and Celestia didn't seem to be making any plans for adventure, seemed like they were just making conversation. So I'm totally clueless as to why you put that scene with the two of them in. Celestia . . . eyes Ponyville pensively. But what's happening, man? I'm thinking you should've written some more stuff before you published this fic, because this chapter doesn't have a single thing to do with the story description, and that I don't get.
Ah, dude, you shouldn't do that. Gets on a lot of people's nerves. "The cream-coated mare" is just an unnatural name to use. I mean, say you were Twilight, and you were telling Rainbow Dash about how you met Bon-Bon in the street—narrating it to her, you know: "When Spike and I were about to head inside Sugarcube Corner, we noticed Bon-Bon was leaving it, so we said hi. She had a cake, too! Spike asked what it was for, and the cream-coated mare told us it's for Lyra's birthday party. Wanna come?" Sounds all wrong! No one would call her that; it'd actually be a bit confusing, because Rainbow would be left thinking that you were calling attention to the color of Bon-Bon's coat like it's important or something and Rainbow would have no idea why. But you don't care about the color of her coat, and Dash won't, either! The names "Bon-Bon" and "she" are way less distracting; I think you should use one of those.
And one more thing: You need to get down how to space, capitalize, and punctuate around dialogue.
"Smiled" isn't the same type of verb as "said" and "called" and "explained". It doesn't attribute a line of dialogue to its speaker, so "You're right, Luna." is a totally separate sentence from "Celestia smiled." and "Luna" needs to be followed by a period, not a comma.
On the other hand, each of these three excerpts is a single sentence, not two, and should be treated as such. "That" should be followed by a comma instead of a sentence-ending period. And since the word (in these cases, "the" and "she") after the closing pair of quotation marks isn't the first word of a new sentence, it should be preceded by only one space, not two, and it should be lowercase, not capitalized.
Sorry if I'm harsh, dude!
I am quite looking forward to the next chapter. This ought'a be good!!!
3742564
Fair catches on the points of grammar, Cerulean. I'll get on those right away. End quotations have always been a grammatical weakness for me, as one of my author friends is keen to point out. I'll have to put a sticky note on my monitor so that I don't keep lapsing like this.
The "cream-coated mare" phrase is actually an oversight from the last round of editing. This whole fic was originally written with a non-brony audience in mind, so individual descriptions were by necessity more prevalent in earlier drafts. Once I realized it was rather silly to be writing a Pony fanfiction for a non-brony audience, I went through and rewrote most of those passages. Thanks for catching that! Trust me, the last thing I want is LUS, as you call it here.
As for the odd lack of any evident adventure or the possibility of mistagging, I can't say too much without spoiling the story itself. The "adventure" is not the classic type, even by MLP standards. It's not broad enough in scope to rate the "Adventure" tag, and none of the other tags apply. It is tagged Slice of Life, rather than Adventure, because it is being written with the intent of playing out very much like an episode of MLP. Consider this chapter the pre-theme song portion of the episode. I'm establishing how very average the day is for Twilight, and building up to the actual adventure; which will launch in the next chapter when the aforementioned letter arrives.
3742805
It will be good, Chrome. That I can promise.
*sits in the corner, waiting for update*
I think you might wanna fix that. Sentences don't usually end up murdered, cut in half with their lower legs down in the sewers.
Aaaah you're so much better at writing than me!
3815414
YOU SAW NOTHING!
3815434
Lies and slander, my good sir! You do yourself a disservice. You are an excellent writer; do not let anyone, including yourself, tell you otherwise.
3815545
Sorry. It's a thing that my mind tells me that I suck. As an artist, I'm sure you understand what I mean, right?
edit: and yes, I'm sure i saw something!
fc01.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/013/8/a/excuse_me_commandershepard_by_chaoticnote-d724eym.gif
My heart skipped a beat when Pinkie asked if Twilight liked bananas.
Anyway, that was a good chapter. Really kept the feel of the series' normal episodes, though I personally prefer episodes like Discord's rise and the changeling invasion.
A few mistakes, but nothing to get gray hairs over.
Spike, however, was not so quick to shake off sleep,
Spike happily hopped back onto Twilight's back, sliding the book into Twilight’s saddle bag.
4115043
I'm glad you enjoyed it so far!
Thanks for catching them pesky typos! And since this story is supposed to follow the same tone as the show, your comment makes me extremely pleased.