Essence of a Sunrise: That which is Left Behind

by maxxxxxx

Date (3)

What was I thinking? I don't know why I said yes to this date, I don't know why I couldn't look her in the eyes. I don't know how I feel about her and I don't know why I ran. Twilight trotted slowly down an empty, grassy path. Her ears drooped and her eyes red and sore from prolonged crying. What can I do? She said she wanted to help them, my friends, but how can what she does help? All it's done is hurt me, make me think about things I don't want to and bring up feeling I can't handle. My friends have all been through enough because of me, because I wouldn't take one life for another. I still wont... but I wish Rainbow were here. A sudden rush of anger burned in her chest as she remembered the look in Sunrise's eyes. 'I shouldn't feel this way, it's not her fault. She's been thrust into a life where everypony wants her gone, or doesn't even acknowledge her existence. I'm all she has, I know that but...'

“What should I do?” Stopping mid walk she looked up to the setting sun. She sniffled, feeling tears building up in her eyes. She was tired but she couldn't go home, she just wanted to keep walking. What do I feel about her? Honestly, she scares me. She can see right through me and she never lets me just pretend that I'm alright.

“Because I'm not alright. I miss Rainbow Dash so much. I can't move on, I can't feel anything for Sunrise like she feels for me... If she even does feel that way about me.” Hanging her head she continued walking aimlessly. 'I wish none of this happened. I wish I didn't push Rainbow Dash away. I feel so much guilt when I'm with Sunrise... Why? What do I feel guilty for? I know I'm doing the right thing. Twilight gave a small, pain filled giggle. Sunrise is right, I'm lying to myself. I know why. I feel guilty every time she made me smile or laugh, every time I let her console me. Every time I let her get close, I felt like I was betraying you. I felt that, the closer I became to her, the more distant you became to me. I think, I do have feelings for her. But... It's not fair.

“It's just not fair.” She whispered, through a tight, sore throat. She didn't think she had any tears left, but they stung as they left her eyes and rolled down her cheek. I can't escape this feeling that I betrayed you, and now, I'm betraying both of you... and myself. I know that she can help me, I know she's the only way I can let go. I know, if I wanted t, I could be free from this confusion and pain, but I would have to let you go Rainbow, and I just can't bring myself to do it. I want to hold on, I want to believe it when I tell myself you'll come back, that you'll forgive me and... maybe, I could tell you how I felt, and you would feel the same. But I... I feel that way, for Sunrise. I shouldn't, I don't want to! What if it's only because she's in your body? What if it's only because you may still be in there? What if you are? When she looked at me, it's like it was you. I couldn't take it. I just wanted to cry, and- and ask you to forgive me, even though I don't deserve it... Do I really believe that? Or, is it just that I don't think I should be forgiven? In reality, I know what Sunrise is doing, is exactly what I did to you that pushed you away, that caused all of this. I don't want to see that happen to my other friends, I cant lose anypony else. What if Sunrise hurts them the way I hurt you? Can anything good really come of forcing somepony to confront their feelings before they are ready? I can't help but think, you would still be here if I didn't do what I did. I feel like I have to protect my friends from her... and protect myself. No, I know that a lie, it's not her I want to be protected from, it's what's inside of me. The thoughts, feelings and memories that would hurt to face. Some how, Sunrise has a desire, at the very fabric of who she is, to not let anypony bury their pain in comforting lies. I wonder if that's because of what I said to Rainbow Dash right before she... Letting out a shaky and defeated sigh she regathered her strength to carry on her soul search, she didn't know what was compelling her, though she could almost hear Sunrise telling her to keep going even though it hurt. Either I was right and what I did would have helped Rainbow but didn't. If that's the case then Sunrise is right and I'm hurting her, myself and my friends but it wouldn't be my fault what happened to Rainbow Dash. Or, it is my fault and I pushed her into confronting something she couldn't handle, if that's the case then Sunrise is hurting me and my friends and I- I deserve to feel guilty and I can't be with Sunrise. Either way I'm hurt and so is Sunrise! Why does it have to be like this! I don't want to think about any of this, I want it all to go away. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, it's too much to confront them alone... But who could help me? Sunrise wouldn't, even if she would, I can't even look her in the eyes now without seeing Rainbow Dash. I- I think she's still in there some where, some how, when she looked at me with those eyes, I felt her. If she is, what should I do? I don't think she would want me to bring her back at the expense of... Who am I trying to fool? Myself of course. It's not for Dash's sake that I'm not using the memory spell, maybe it was at first... but now, I don't want to lose Sunrise. Ha! I don't want to lose her and yet here I am, running from her? I'm guilty, angry at myself and scared of moving forward, because the way forward is painful. I have nopony to turn to, I've alienated my friends and ran away from Sunrise. Because I was scared, I'm all alone. A strange feeling of familiarity swept over her, strong enough to make her look up from her sorrow.

“I- I'm here? This place?” Twilight whispered as she looked around the place her hooves had carried her. It looked different in the waning light, but she could never forget this place. It was here that she recovered the mangled, unconscious body of Rainbow Dash after their fight. In this clearing, was where Rainbow Dash had died. Died? Is she though? And.. why? If she's still in there, why can't she come back, she- she's the strongest pony I know, if she wanted to come back, nothing could stop her. I made a mistake... I hurt Rainbow Dash, and I'll never be able to make it up to her, and now, I may have done the same to Sunrise. She may have had another heart attack because of what I did. All I've done is hurt her! She's been through enough, and if Rainbow is in there, she has to stand by and watch while I hurt Sunrise. Oh Rainbow Dash, Vibrant Sunrise... She collapsed onto the cool grass, her teeth clenched as more tears forced their way down her face.

“I'm so sorry..” She sniffled and moaned into her forelegs. A soft breeze rustled through the trees and flowed over her fur before coming to a slow and quiet stop.

“So am I.” A sudden voice from behind her made Twilight bolt up. After a moment, she realized she recognized the voice. Slowly she turned to face her. They stared silently at each other for what felt like an hour though it was only a minute. In that minute everything seemed to come to a stop, even the chaos in her heart and mind. When she finally could speak she could only muster a single word, her voice came as a soft and unsure sob.

“S- Sunrise?” She asked tentatively, the bright orange light of the setting sun made her face glow with a warm light, while the darker blue of the night on her other side cast her as a soft shadow. The contrast was striking and beautiful. The Rainbow maned mare rolled her wheelchair closer. Reaching out, she took Twilight's hoof in her own, and with her other hoof she wiped the tears from her face. It wasn't till now that Twilight saw streaks left from protracted crying, a pain welled up in her heart as she looked into her tired, puffy eyes though they now glistened with strength and compassion. Smiling softly she looked deep into Twilight's eyes.

“Yes. Twilight, It's me and, I'm sorry.”

“W- what are you sorry for? You didn't do anything wrong. You never did anything wrong! Why are you sorry! It's so unfair! Look at the life you were given, I have no right to ask you to be sorry. It's all my fault, all of it! It's all my fault Sunrise.... my fault.”

“Oh Twilight, no.. It's not your fault. I'm horrible, I've done nothing but hurt you. I must seem like a monster, living in the body of somepony you loved, tearing your friendships apart and selfishly trying to take a place in your heart. Twilight, I've been selfish and I've hurt you so much. I am a monster!” Sunrise shut her eyes tight and clenched her teeth from a great pain in her heart, not a physical pain, though right now, as she felt hot tears force themselves from her eyes and her sobs came uncontrollably, she wished it were just physical. I promised Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom that I would help their sisters, but how can I do that? All I've done is hurt Twilight, if I can't help her, if all she sees me as is a monster then, there's nothing I can do for anypony! I failed, I'm sorry Scootaloo, I'm sorry Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. And Twilight.... Twilight I'm so sorry.

“I'm sorry... I'm so sorry Twilight. I...” Her eyes shot open as she felt warm hooves wrap around her, pulling her into a tender and deep embrace. Twilight's head rested on her shoulder and her soft cheek was pressed against her own. She could hear her soft sobs by her ear.

“I don't think you're a monster. I don't think any of those awful things so please don't think about yourself like that. What I said before, it was a lie. Please forgive me, I knew saying that would hurt you, but I just couldn't handle the guilt. I've done a terrible thing and, I'm sorry. I couldn't look into your eyes when you were like that, because all I could see was Rainbow Dash. That determined look, like nothing could stop you and you could do anything. It was just like hers. All I could think was that It was all my fault, if I hadn't pushed her away she'd still be here... and then I felt guilty for even thinking that! What kind of friend am I? If it weren't for what happened you wouldn't exist. Am I supposed to be happy that your alive if it meant losing her? Or am I supposed to feel guilty and angry at myself for it? None of it is your fault and yet you're stuck in a life where everyone is unhappy and in pain, and blames you. And the ones that don't blame you refuse to acknowledge you even exist! I brought you into that kind of life, I did all of this! How am I supposed to live with myself!? How? How...?”

“Oh Twilight... I had no idea you were carrying all that guilt. I- I should have known. I should have seen it. I should have done something. Twilight, please, don't blame yourself for any of this. What happened with Rainbow Dash wasn't your fault, you were doing the right thing, you were trying to help her. There was nothing more you could have done. She wouldn't want you to suffer this way, she wouldn't. She would have moved mountains to make sure you were alright, I don't think even death would stop her from trying to save you from this.” Sunrise wrapped her hooves around Twilight and held her tight, she could feel Twilight shaking and her labored breaths and fast beating heart. She stroked her mane whispered through her tight throat, strained from crying. “And, I'll always be grateful to you Twilight. You're right, the life I've been given isn't an easy one, but as long as you're in it, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Twilight, I know I've hurt you, and your friends, but I know I can make things right, with them, and more than anything, with you. I don't want to live a life without you Twilight. Seeing you smile, hearing you laugh and hum, those make any pain more than worth it. I don't care how short my life is or what I have to struggle through, I want you to be happy Twilight and I want to be happy with you. I'm going to make things better, but I can't do it without you, and I wouldn't want to. Twilight, don't feel guilty anymore because...” Sunrise pulled Twilight back and looked deep into her glistening eyes. Sunrise's own eyes had that look in them, that passion, but leavened with tenderness and understanding. Were they her eyes or?... “I forgive you Twilight.”

Twilight stared at Sunrise, her eyes were wide and pooled with tears. She felt as though a mountain had been moved from on top of her. At first letting out a quiet sob she quickly broke down, embracing Sunrise and letting all her pain out. She felt her guilt and pain being washed away. She felt peace and understanding and most of all, acceptance grow and fill her as each tear left her. They stayed in their emotion filled embrace until the sun was almost fully behind the horizon and the starts began to dot the sky. Sunrise cried right along with her, and she felt a renewed sense of purpose. Twilight, I'm sorry it took me so long. I don't know if I can forgive myself for making you feel this way, or for what I've done to your life, but, I wont give up on you again. I wont give up on myself. I know what I want to take from this unfair and hard life. Twilight, I want to be with you, I want to make you happy and, I want to be happy with you. That is what I want most of all.

“How long are the going to stay like that?” A young, tomboyish voice impatiently whispered

“Aww, but it's sooo sweet!” A high voice cooed in response. Sunrise and Twilight both looked up to the source of the voices. Standing only a few meters away were the Cutie Mark Crusaders and among them was Spike. Though instead of the angry expression he wore earlier he merely gestured with his claw down his throat making mock gagging sounds. A good sign? Sunrise thought. Scootaloo came bounding toward them.

“Scootaloo? How did you find us?” She asked perplexed. Apple Bloom came up behind her followed by Sweetie Belle and Spike.

“We went to Zecora and she used used a potion that showed us were you were going in her cauldron!” Apple Bloom said proudly.

“H- how long were you standing there?” Twilight asked nervously, Slipping away from Sunrise. She returned to all fours with a light blush in her cheeks as she tried to wipe the tear stains from her fur.

“Hmm, I think it was the around the second or third time Twilight apologized?” Sweetie Belle said with slight sarcasm. Sunrise suddenly felt an elbow gently prod her side, looking down she saw Scootaloo looking at hear eagerly.

“And, we had enough time to ask Apple Bloom's big brother to move the thing for us.” She smiled slyly.

“I had completely forgotten!” Sunrise blurted out, quickly looking up at the sky. 'Perfect! We have just enough time!' “Where is it?”

“On a hill just behind that one. If you hurry you can still make it!” Scootaloo assured, Sunrise nodded with a grateful smile.

“Twilight! Come with me hurry! There's one more thing I had planned for our date, come on!”

“W- What..?” Before she could finish Sunrise grabbed her hoof and pulling her towards the hill, though Twilight didn't resist it took her a moment to decide to just go along with it. With a smile she followed Sunrise.

“Thanks girls! I couldn't have done this without you!” She shouted before disappearing behind the hill, leaving the Three fillies smiling satisfied at each other.
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“Um.... what is this?” Twilight asked confused as she looked up at the metal contraption. Sunrise wheeled up to it, placing a hoof against it and smiled.

“It's a cherry picker of course.” She said matter-of-factly.

“Yeah, I see that? But... why?” In response Sunrise pushed a button on the machine, causing a ramp to drop from it.

“Twilight, will you watch the sunset with me?” Twilight looked up at the sky, wondering why they would need a cherry picker to watch a sunset. But, knowing time was short she gave in and agreed.

“I would love to.” The couple move up the ramp to the platform. They watched the last of the vivid warms colors of the sunset fade slowly away as the cool blues moved in like a tide across the sky. More and more start began to dot the blackening sky behind them. Soon the last sliver of the sun lowered behind the mountain tops in the distance. Twilight smiled with eyes full of wonder and looked up at Sunrise.

“That was beautiful.. It's been too long since I've done this.”

“I'm glad you liked it. What would you say to doing it again?” She grinned excitedly. The unexpected look made Twilight giggle.

“Sure, we'll have to do this again sometime.”

“How about right now?” Twilight looked at her in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“Look back over to the horizon. For you, I'll make the sun rise again.” Curious, Twilight looked out over to the mountains where the sun had just vanished behind. As she waited her mind wandered. How did Sunrise find me? She didn't go to Zecora and it's unlikely she found me by chance... Rainbow Dash, Is she really in there? Or, maybe Sunrise was right. Maybe even death wouldn't keep Rainbow from helping those she cared about. Suddenly, the cherry picked began to hum and vibrate and slowly rose. Twilight eyes were full of excitement and happiness as the glow of the sun returned, as though she were watching it rise again. Sunrise felt a warm content feeling as twilight beamed with happiness.

“I don't know how I didn't think of this!” She said through her smile as the machine came to it's peak.

“I found a book on this in my room, and I thought if it worked for flying then why not for a cherry picker. I know it would be more romantic if we flew to watch it but...” She was brought to an abrupt stop as Sunrise saw a blur of movement before she felt lips pressed against her cheek, followed by warm sweet breath.

“It's perfect.” Twilight said pulling her lips back. She leaned against Sunrise's chair and they held each others hooves a they watched the sun set for the second time that night. I'm moving forward, to a future without guilt for wanting to be happy. I think, Rainbow Dash would want that. I believe she forgives me

Comments

[Kodeake]

This fic... the writing isn't great. There are awkward sentences, the commas are in the wrong places, there are spelling and grammar mistakes absolutely everywhere. Even if the pacing is pitch-perfect, the writing has an abundance of problems that come close to breaking immersion.

But what this fic does, better than most other fics I've read, is story. It's like... the Silent Hill 2 of fan fics. You don't play that game for the shitty camera or the god-awful controls. Not even for the horrendous combat. You play that game for atmosphere and story.

This fic has its flaws like any other. Some may even say it has a lot of flaws. But it's still a god damn amazing piece of work, and I'm always happy when I see it update.

[maxxxxxx]

4158856 I'm glad you enjoy this work and thanks bunches for the Critipraise I do try to keep the quality of the writing up but i guess i still need a lot of work. I'm looking for an editor now so hopefully this chapter will be the last you see of these problems. By the way, there are only 4 chapters left in this story so updates will be frequent and full of the goodness i hope my readers expect from this series and more

[maxxxxxx]

4158856 um, also, what do you mean by awkward sentences? if you dont mind

[Kodeake]

4158979
Any sentence that feels off, either due to grammatical errors or incorrect punctuation.

[maxxxxxx]

4159086 oh, i thought you meant the wording

[TgTfProductions]

4158856
I agree it's a good story premises, but the flaws are kind of hard to overlook.

My suggestion is look for a good editor, and a pre-reader (or maybe even a couple) edit the chapters and wallah you got a hell of a good fan-fiction on your hands (or hooves).

[Raidah]

Such feels. So wow. Very doge. (I don't care if it's 2014, I'll say what I damn well please!!!)

[Mr Dan]

I don't like this ship :p still, it's a good story. The first one was better, though

[maxxxxxx]

4174500 i do hope you keep reading though

[FleetlordAvatar]

The feeeeeeeels!

[Phoenix Flames]

Aw I love the ending!

Sunrise and Twilight is now one of my favourite ships!