The Conversion Bureau: Saner Half

by Avery Quillfeather

Chapter 1

Saner Half
Chapter 1: Pride and Prejudices
By: Avery Quillfeather

Andrezei woke up slowly, he wasn't alone in his straw-stuffed lice habitat of a mattress. He turned his head, and unblinkingly looked into the green eyes of his double. “Morning. I assume you are here ta bother me more ain't cha?” He said rubbing his eyes as his double propped himself up on one elbow, a large grin on his face. “Staying silent or waiting for a moment to badger me about getting converted?” Andrezei asked looking at the Cheshire grin his mental double had plastered on his face.

“GEEEEEWWWWWD MORNIN'!” His double screamed, before laughing as Andrezei was forcibly rolled out of bed. “Will today finally be the day? The day that Andrezei Kaifka, modern day alchemist and Explosive expert for the HLF goes in for a fancy new set of hooves?” His double said bouncing out of bed to land on his feet. “Or will Mr.Kaifka decide that it is better to live like a turtle and keep his head buried in his shell, while his one good hand does all the work?” His double said disappearing into a turtle shell that seemed to materialize on his back from nowhere.

Andrezei just glanced down at his watch and grumbled. “I don't have time for this. Frank is expecting another batch, and I don't have anything prepared.” He said pulling on a stained, singed, and ripped lab-coat. “Now, be a good crazy figment and don't bother me while I am mixing volatile chemicals” He said watching his double suddenly appear a few feet behind him, wearing college swag.

“S'no problem brah, if you get blowed up by your chem experiment then we both go down, dawg.” His mental double responded, snapping his fingers as a couch that was drawn directly from Andrezei's college memories appeared in the middle of his apartment. “So yeah, You do the science stuff, I will just chillax mehbeh drink a bit. Git crazeh all up in this...”

His double started laughing. “Jeez I can't keep that up.” it said as the couch disappeared and he was standing up back in the same lab coat as the real Andrezei. “Y'know, I am you, kind of and I gotta say, your college experience was boring. No parties, No ladies, just studying with your Doctor friend. John.”

“Don't say that name again.” Andrezei said calmly to his imaginary double before setting out a scale, a mortar and pestle, and a baker’s knife. “He is dead to me. I don't even believe the bastard ever existed.” He said pulling out a box of gray sticks and a bag of sugar. “I am only making flash powder so you don't need to worry about anything getting 'blowed up brah” He said before dropping the bag of sugar because of his bad left hand. He just stared down at the sugar that had spilled across the floor.

His double appeared beside him, round spectacles on a chain were perched on his nose, and an obviously fake white beard was pasted to his chin. “Ah, you spilled ze shugair, how does zat make you feel mein patient.” his double said stroking the beard before it popped off in his hands. “Just scrape it up, it will still work.” He said seriously, “try to avoid using that damaged hand...or better yet. Get it fixed, if not by Conversion, get one of the HLF medics to get prosthetic fingers for you.” He said holding up his own damaged left hand, missing the first two digits of its ring finger and the entirety of its pinky finger.

“No. Dicks, the medic, doesn't seem to think I have a problem with my hand and claims that a prosthetic wouldn't be any good because in a couple of months it would end up broken in some way or another. Says that I shouldn't be messing with explosives, well I should tell the son of a bitch that he shouldn't be holding a scalpel.” Andrezei said as he scooped up handfuls of sugar from off the ground and pouring them back into the bag.

“heh. Dicks.” His double said before disappearing, leaving Andrezei alone. He worked quickly and efficiently. Measuring out sugar on the scale, and retrieving the other component after mashing it to powder in the pestle and mortar. He made sure that they weighed an equal 1:1 ratio. After making sure that they weighed equally divvied the powders up and pour an equal mix of each into empty soda and beer cans.

His double appeared again. Standing back behind him with a card-board cut out with a red-haired man with rectangular glasses, who was wearing a lab-coat. “Psst. Hey, Buddy.” His double hissed tossing an imaginary wadded up piece of paper at Andrezei, getting him to turn around and look at the card-board cut-out. His double quickly ducked behind the cut-out. “Remmy Me? College buds an’ all that jazz?” His double said mimicking an Irish accent terribly.

Andrezei just stared for a moments and swore under his breath. “Listen Asshat. I am busy, I am working in unsafe conditions with unsafe chemicals, I don’t need you distracting me with your quasi-memory-bending reminiscing about an old college buddy that I don’t even believe should have existed in the first place. The man is a traitor to the human race and would rather see the glory of man exist across some magical wall on hooves then fighting against this invisible force like mankind should.”

The card-board cut-out disappeared to reveal his mental-doppelganger looking quite sad. “You know, I am sure he thinks about you all the time. You guys were the best of friends, thicker then thieves. You both were studying at the same college, booked in the same dorm room, hit on the same women... What about you? If I am here mentioning him then you are being distracted by him,” His double said before laughing “also, your bleach is boiling.”

===

Andrezei cussed, and spat walking down the street. Confound his doppelganger, forcing him to waste the last of his bleach. He walked quickly and made sure not to make eye-contact with the plentiful ponies prancing down the streets of his city. “Woah buddy. Your city? Last I checked they lived here too, some of them were here long before you were.” His doppelganger said appearing to stand in front of him wearing a pair of chaps and a stetson. “I also don’t take kindly to ya sayin’ I caused ya to waste your bleach.” He said, his voice dropping several octaves and taking on a distinct southern drawl.

Andrezei paid no heed to the double’s ever-changing costume or accent. “Frank requested three orders of flash powder and a pipe-bomb. Now, if you are actually me I suggest you getting the fuck outta my way.” He said pushing his way past his figment. Only to have him reappear a few paces in front of him.

Andrezei found himself staring with an open mouthed ‘the fuck are you going on about’ look on his face. He threw his hands up and kept walking, phasing right through his doppelganger. “Boys, we can’t actually harm him, but hot damn if pestering him like this isn’t fun.” His doppelganger said following closely behind Andrezei, only to have the small army disappear behind a lamp post as he walked into a crowded grocery store.

===

He walked slowly through the aisles, and his doppelganger was nowhere in sight. He let out a sigh of relief and picked up a large jug of bleach and some other chemicals from across the store. He tossed them indiscriminately into his shopping cart. Several brightly coloured ponies moved about quickly getting groceries themselves. Andrezei could feel burning anger as he watched the ponies do something so normal, so human. “Man-kind, producers of beautiful artwork and architecture, had created many a literary work of honourable mention. Built buildings to touch the heavens.” He said softly.

He glanced around to see that he was the only visible human in the entire store. “Creating The Mona Lisa, and the Starry Night Sky. We were the species that wrote Romeo and Juliet.” He looked around angrily, not sure if he was more mad at himself or the people that had so easily been swayed into trading that legacy for a set of hooves. “Damn it. Mankind is strong. We won’t fall so easily, we won’t be won over by verdant fields and abundant harvests.” He found his hand reaching into his coat and pulling out one of the soda cans filled with flash powder.

‘I could, I could throw this now. Cause panic and disorder...oh that would be fun...’ He thought to himself, he could feel his hot fingers wrapped around the cold metal of the aluminum can. ‘one quick toss and they would be momentarily blinded. I could slip out with my goods and no-one would be the wiser.’ He found himself thinking, his hand clutched the can solidly, raising the can slowly above his head.

“Except for yourself.” He heard his double say as he appeared behind him, arms cross and looking crosser. “You and I both know you can’t do that. You couldn’t do that. Even if you despise the fact that these people gave up on the future, even if you feel that they gave up too easily on your species. You couldn’t throw that can, and you couldn’t walk out with a cart-full of ingredients to make home-made bombs.”

Andrezei turned around to stare at his double. He knew he was right, no matter what he said to him, his double was right. His double was an embodiment of his very mind brought to earth to torment him with every loose idea and every tucked away ethic code rule. “You are right.” He said tucking the can away back under his lab-coat.

His double disappeared leaving him alone in the store, angrier than when he had first walked in. He slammed his hands down on the hand rail of the cart. “Goddamn it.”

===

Andrezei sat at the check-out, the stallion working the cash register was smiling, and talking and generally trying to be pleasant. Andrezei wanted no part of that, and worked hard to give off an air of uncaring callousness. The stallion continued even though he knew Andrezei wasn’t listening. “ - and that was when my family and I came over from Equestria.” He said off-handed as he deftly moved small boxes and plastic containers of grease, oils creams, powders, sugars and salts into plastic bags.

Andrezei stared, he thought about what he had thought earlier. He thought about his little spiel he went on about human-kind and its greatness and yet this stallion was a natural-born Equestrian. “Thass right, pardner. He ain’t a humie.” His double said as he appeared behind him in his usual cow-boy get up. His double quickly flicked his hat up, revealing a large grin and a wheat stalk hanging out of his mouth.

“I am sorry. I was ignoring you this entire time, you said you were from Equestria?” Andrezei said as his double disappeared with a large grin on his face. “I just have a hard time paying attention this late in the day.” He said covering up his former dislike with a tasteful lie.

The earth pony stallion just smiled. “I am Silver Dollar, and I was just saying since there is more land open here than on the homeland since there has been an influx of newfoals deciding to live in Equestria, my family and I decided it would be easier to live here.” He handed the plastic bags to Andrezei. “I hope you have a good day, and be careful with those chemicals, I have heard of several HLF members almost blowing themselves up trying to make home-made bombs with those things.”

“Don’t worry about me. I know what I am doing.” He said grabbing the bag with his good hand, hiding his bad hand behind it. “I also wouldn’t worry about the HLF, they are just the rebels hoping that their voice is heard the loudest.”

“I don’t worry about it, I have a store to run.” Silver Dollar said as he chuckled softly. “Sir, I would also recommend getting that hand looked at. Now doubt it is putting a crimp in your productivity.” He said as Andrezei left the small grocery store, the shock on his face was as plain as the nose on his face.

===

Andrezei got home after an uneventful walk. A note was pinned to his door by a small, cheap pocket knife. The paper was yellowed and an obvious scrap. Andrezei looked over the note and could feel his stomach trying to tie itself into a knots.

“Yo Stubs. Need Bombs.

--Frank”

He crumpled the note, quite angry that Frank would have just left this note pinned to his door, not bothering to look for the man, but maybe it was better that way. If Frank had come to find him, he would have found a high-ranking HLF member freely conversing with a member of pony-kind. That is definitely going against the code, rules, or sanctions of the HLF member’s Charter.

He sighed, stepped into his apartment, and deposited the contents of the grocery bag onto his kitchen table. He immediately pulled out several boxes of powders, and jugs of liquid. He turned his electric stove on with a click and pulled out a candy thermometer. “So. Even after just leaving an incriminating note at your door, you still are making explosives for the bastard? Even thought you and I, which is still technically you know that he is just going to use them to harm people who aren’t humans any more? They are still alive.” His double said hopping out of his fridge, a can of soda in hand.

“He pays well. I make them, he uses them. I get money to maintain my life as it was before the wall came up.” Andrezei said, mixing powders and liquids in a boiling saucepan at blinding speeds. “Now. This mixture is a little more tricky than just flash powder, if I heat it too long...blam, if I don’t heat it long enough then it fizzles when Frank will need it most.”

His double patted him on the shoulder. “Listen to what you just said, if you do it wrong, someone gets hurt. Now, do you think if you do it right people are less likely to get hurt?” He said pulling out a pair of shades from nowhere. “Excuse me. I have a walk to well... Walk.”

Andrezei watched as his double suddenly disappeared, only to reappear in jogging clothes and an old Mp3 player strapped to his upper arm. “Ciao bambino.”

===

Andrezei worked quickly, pouring the transparent gel into a PVC pipe capped at one end. A garage door opener that was slightly modified was strapped to it, wires and duct tape was easily seen compared to the white of the pipe. He filled the pipe to the brim and used his blade-less baker’s knife to scrape the excess off back into the pan. He capped the pipe and set the entire thing in the refrigerator with a timer set for five minutes.

He sat patiently, and waited until the timer went off. He retrieved the home-made bomb from his refrigerator. He pulled it out, set it on the counter, and wept when he realized that his insane double spoke with more logic than he ever had.

===

And that brings an end to chapter 1 of Saner Half. I am going to be bouncing between this story and Simple Mistake. I hope that you enjoyed this, and I hope to continue writing things that you all enjoy reading.

Comments

[Random856]

Impressive so far, Tracking. Btw, is John's full name John Norris?

[Avery Quillfeather]

331479

Thank you for the comment. However, no, John's full name is not Norris.

[Gigabyte]

My... My god! This Is a brilliant take on TCB

[Avery Quillfeather]

331552

Thank you, I haven't really delved into the topic of the walls and what-not.

Glad to know that you are enjoying what I have so far at least

[Chatoyance]

Intriguing premise indeed! Track city!

[banjo2E]

331490

'Course not!

It's obviously Freeman.

[Gigabyte]

331558 I enjoy everything I read on this site. Save for the occasional psychotic type story (shudders. Remembering Parchment) and clopfics. Strangely enough.

[Commander Ponysun]

I hope this is pro-human.

[Avery Quillfeather]

332506

PERposterous!

This story does cast some dark shadows on humans, but remember where there are shadows there is light.