Broken
// Author's Note: This is not a funny chapter. There is no comedy here. This is an explanation of an event that was alluded to but never explained in "The Risks of Braving a Storm," what nearly tore Cerulean and Twilight apart for good. If you're only reading for laughs, look away. //
Chatper 9: Broken
It had been a while since Cerulean had seen Twilight look so angry. As he watched the rest of the ponies back away he knew he had to do something quickly to quell her anger. But which path to choose - charm, or humor? She took a step forward and fear prompted him to act, grabbing Pinkie Pie with his magic and forcibly bringing the two into a kiss. “There, now we’re even!” he said proudly, before taking off in a hurry as he saw the anger burning in her eyes. He chanced a glance backwards as the group of friends receded in the distance to see her burst into flames.
“Am I ever going to learn not to be stupid? Seriously, I can’t do anything right...” he muttered, heaving a sigh and returning home. “Spike, you may want to leave. Twilight is in a particularly heated rage at the moment. Save yourself some grief and head elsewhere,” he cautioned, and Spike immediately left, knowing that Twilight had been on quite the rampage recently. Frankly, he didn’t understand how Cerulean could even begin to deal with what he’d been through the last two weeks.
Pulling out a drawer downstairs, he took out the stack of papers he’d been writing and continued jotting down his thoughts. He knew that if he had tried to discuss his concerns with Twilight, even for a moment, he would likely be met with the same reaction as he had just seen in the market place. “Storm, you have it so easy. At least your mare can’t incinerate you for disagreeing,” he whispered, far closer to losing it than he dared to admit. He refused to burden anypony else with the pains and fears that had been building like waters against a dam, and he finished the sentence he was writing as he heard the door swing open, stowing it away and setting the quill down. He stood and slowly turned to face Twilight who had shut the door and stalked over to him, fortunately no longer ablaze.
“You’ve got some explaining to do, mister,” she growled, barely maintaining a level voice. While it likely didn’t warrant her level of anger, the fact that he had never told her about the event felt like betrayal.
“As I said, she glued me to the wall with frosting and then licked my face clean. There’s nothing more to tell,” he responded dejectedly, not having the energy left to feign happiness.
“How about anypony else then? How many untold face cleanings have there been?” Twilight recoiled slightly as Cerulean’s despondency turned to anger, something she almost never saw.
“You have... no right to accuse me of that, Twilight. None.”
“Well how am I supposed to know if I don’t ask? You don’t seem to share information unless it’s necessary!” she retorted, raising her voice.
“Did you ever stop to think it’s because I knew you’d respond like this?” he shouted, cowing her into silence. “I’ve laughed it off for these last five months as you steadily gotten worse and worse, using me like some kind of ragdoll for your hormonal whims! Do you think it doesn’t hurt, Twilight?”
“You don’t know what it’s...” she started before he roared back, months of withheld anger pouring out as tears formed in his eyes.
“You’re right, I don’t know what it’s like! I don’t need to, because regardless of how bad I felt I wouldn’t take it out on somepony that I claim to love!” Twilight’s eyes teared over as he spoke those words, having doubted her love for him. And what was worse, she knew he was right.
“If I’m so terrible, if you really think I don’t love you, then why don’t you just go back to Bangles!” she cried, staring for a moment as Cerulean stopped cold. He didn’t even have to speak, because all it took was one look into his eyes for Twilight to know she had taken it too far. “Cerulean, I...” she started as his horn began to glow, the temperature in the room plummeting as if he were having another nightmare. He looked exactly like he had the day he made his apology before her at Canterlot, but this time he was without fault, the pain that had be caused had come from her alone. She took a step forward and he snapped his head up, tearing passed her and blasting out the door, ignoring a surprised Storm Blitz as he rose into the sky, making straight for the only place he could think to be alone; back where everything started, in the Everfree Forest.
“Please, Storm, go talk to him. Bring him back... I went too far,” she managed before breaking down, sinking to the ground and weeping as her heart was torn apart by remorse for her cutting words. “Why... why am I like this! Why can’t I ever say what I really mean...” she choked out, laying in the doorway. “Cerulean, please, I didn’t mean what I said... I didn’t...” Twilight lay there for a time, shivering from the cold that he had left in his wake, a constant reminder of her betrayal before dragging herself inside, making no attempt to shield herself from the remnants of his anguish.
Touching down near the clearing where Twilight had saved his life, he summoned a blade of ice around his horn and let his anger flow, slashing at every tree he passed and making no attempt to stem the tides that flowed from his eyes. They quickly froze along with the sweat that seeped from his pores as he vented his frustration with all his strength, finally stopping in the center of the clearing with nothing nearby to attack. He slowly sank to his haunches, closing his eyes as the a biting cold encased his heart.
“Cerulean? Hey, are you ok? He didn’t bother looking up as Storm drew close and sat next to him, shivering from the snow that littered the ground around him. “Do you want to talk about it?” What could he say? There was too much history to explain, and he refused to unload on somepony else, determined to bear this burden alone.
“It wouldn’t make any sense to you,” he replied shakily, frightening himself as he heard the words leave his mouth. Storm’s words were gentle, but Cerulean couldn’t accept them even if they were his own.
“You know, Cerulean, I haven’t been here very long but I’ve really come to look up to you. You’ve only ever given me good advice, and it’s really helped me out a lot. But a wise pony once told me that there is no room for fear in love. Twilight loves you, Cerulean. All it took was seeing you together in the library that one night for me to know that.” The blue stallion continued staring at the ground for a time, hoping that the words would sink in, but nothing changed. A deep resentment had built a barricade around his heart, and it began filling his mind with the darkest of thoughts. Make her suffer, she deserves it after everything you’ve been through. Find another mare, that’ll stick it to her. Beat her, it’ll feel good.
“Gah, I won’t! I won’t give in, I won’t become like that! I am not that type of pony!” he roared, focusing his magic on that one sentiment and encasing himself in a massive pillar of ice, the biting cold quickly robbing him of his senses and putting him in a coma like state, his last thought being that, if nothing else, at least everypony else would be safe from the gnawing darkness that was seeping from his heart.
“Is he coming back?” Twilight inquired as Storm entered, her worry flaring brighter as she saw Cerulean was not with him. It shouldn’t have surprised her, it was foolish to think that he’d forgive her after such thoughtless words.
“He’ll come back, Twilight. Don’t doubt him so easily.” Storm paused a moment before continuing, giving her a moment to collect herself. “I had originally come to get my book back. Are you done with it?” Twilight descended the steps into her laboratory before returning with a black and yellow hardcover tome. A large lightning bolt adorned the cover with the title reading “The Legacy of Lightning Wing.”
“Twilight, thank you. You’ve done my grandfather proud.” She gave him a feeble smile before turning and walking up the stairs to retire to her bed. Such praise meant nothing to her, and she lay in bed for several hours before sleep came to take her, though her dreams quickly became nightmares of him walking away forever, and she woke many times in tears, each dream more painful than the last. Spike returned around eight to find her having just woken, and not knowing what had happened he was immediately suspicious of Cerulean.
“No, Spike,” she gasped, shaking her head, “the fault is mine. I... I couldn’t... I didn’t control myself, and just like the Princess warned, he’s gone...” Spike crawled up beside her and she instantly wrapped him in her hooves, crying like a foal for another hour before finally caving to sleep. Her stalwart friend remained there that night, comforting her the many times she awoke, though around three in the morning her body’s fatigue finally overcame her mind’s fear, and she slept until around ten the next morning. Even when she did awake, she said nothing and remained motionless, staring at the wall. Spike gave a start as he heard a knock from downstairs, and he gave one last glance at Twilight before walking slowly downstairs to answer the rapid hoof beats on the door. Rainbow Dash studied the dragon’s face for but a moment, knowing that things had clearly not improved since Storm had last been here.
“Spike, what’s going on?” Rainbow Dash asked, casting a worried glance inside but not seeing Twilight.
“Cerulean didn’t come home last night, and Twilight hasn’t moved all morning...” Rainbow Dash drew him close as he struggled to be brave in spite of having no idea how to help. She knew that they couldn’t afford to waste time.
“Storm, I’m going to find Cerulean. You get your mother and have her talk to Twilight. We’ll meet back here, ok?” He didn’t bother to respond as he took flight, making straight for home as the urgency of the situation came upon him fully. “Spike, hang in there. We’re gonna pull through this, got it?” He gave a weak nod and wandered back upstairs. Rainbow Dash flew into the sky and turned a slow circle, stopping as she saw the sunlight reflect off of the pillar of ice that was just above the tree line of the Everfree Forest. She made all haste towards it, landing a small distance away and trotting over. Cerulean seemed to be asleep inside, and there was a wind whipping small amounts of snow around the structure. She gave a small gasp as she drew close and tapped a hoof on the outside.
Cerulean stared around him as puffs of snow began to fall, slowly but surely painting the landscape with a thin layer of white. The many wildflowers around him struggled to keep their luster, but one by one they caved to the cold, their petals curling and falling to the white only to be buried a short time later. He thought he heard a voice, but he couldn’t understand the words. He glanced over as the stream began to ice over, and he closed his eyes to wait for the winter to become complete. It wouldn’t take long, the snow was already up to his ankles.
“Cerulean, please, you’ve gotta wake up!” Dash screamed, slamming a hoof down in frustration. No matter how loud she yelled, he didn’t budge. There was only one mare that could help, and she was in no position to move. She took one last look at Cerulean before flying straight back to the library just in time to see Storm exit.
“Did you find him?” he immediately asked as she drew near.
“Yeah, I did. But it’s worse than we thought, Storm. Only Twilight can reach him now.”
Flying Grace approached the second story with caution, not having met the mare and only knowing that things were going very poorly. She looked with surprise to see a small purple dragon seated by the mare, staring into the distance. He turned slowly to face her as she made her way to the side of the bed, sitting to make sure she didn’t appear aggressive.
“Hello there, I do not believe we have met. I am Flying Grace, Storm Blitz’s mother. He asked me to try talking to Twilight, is that her?” Spike nodded.
“Please, if there’s anything you can do to help her...”
“I will try my best,” she said with a warming smile, giving Spike a little comfort as he moved to make room for Grace to sit.
“Twilight? My name is Flying Grace.” There was no response. “I was asked to speak with you, and while we have only just met, we do have one thing in common. We are both pregnant, you and I.” Twilight flinched, and Spike’s hope grew a little as she rolled over to face the lithe pegasus. “This will be my third, so if you have any questions, feel free to ask.”
“How...” she started, her voice cracking. She swallowed painfully, wincing, before motioning for Spike to bring her a drink, which he returned with in record time. She downed the glass before attempting to speak again, and when she did it came out as a hollow whisper. “How do you keep from hurting the one you love? I’ve been so cruel to him, Grace. And yesterday I...” she stopped, crying as the memory came back, his facial expression seared to her memory. “I said something I had no right to say, something so wrong that... I don’t know if I can ever fix this.” Grace thought about the words for a few moments, recalling how often she had been beaten for mouthing off while carrying Storm.
“Has he ever hit you, Twilight?”
“No, he’d never do that.”
“Called you names, threatened you?”
“No, Grace, he’s not like that!” Well that’s a relief. That means that, as little as she knew about this couple, there was hope.
“Twilight, have you noticed anything different about his behavior recently? Even the smallest of things could make a difference, so think hard.” Twilight hadn’t paid them any head, but two things immediately sprang to mind.
“Well, he’s usually pretty cheerful. Likes to tease a lot, chats up a storm, but he’s been getting quieter and quieter. And as of this last week, he’s been doing better on that front, but he started writing at night a while back. I’ve never bothered to look, mostly because I’ve been too busy with studies or upset at him over something stupid.”
“Do you know where he keeps his writings?”
“Spike, would you grab them?” He nodded, returning a short time later with a stack of parchments.
“Twilight, these are likely precious to him, so view what you read within accordingly,” Grace warned. “And if you notice a change of personality, you must confront it. Not with anger, but with love. Twilight, if you are having trouble controlling your outbursts, it’s because you’re thinking with your mind, and not your heart. Tell me, do you love this stallion?”
“More than anything...” she said, and Grace motioned her to read. They appeared to be a journal of sorts.
“I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this... I love Twilight dearly, but love cannot function as a one way street and I... I’m going to run out soon. I don’t feel anything but frustration coming from her, even as I try my best to care for her. I don’t know what to do. I just want to help...”
“I can’t keep doing this. If something doesn’t give soon, I’m going to break whether I want it to or not. I’ve tried talking to Twilight about it, but she just gets angry... And lately, I’ve been having these horrible thoughts that don’t feel like my own. I think my nightmares are going to come back if this keeps up.”
“I don’t want to bother Twilight with my nightmares, so I will sleep on the couch tonight, and return upstairs before she awakens in the morning. I keep having dreams about Applejack, and what life would be like with her. I don’t want to be unfaithful, but it hurts so much right now... I just want an end to this pain.”
“Yesterday, Twilight coated me with something called poison joke. I felt the compulsive urge to mix foods in the most disgusting manner possible before eating it, and my stomach was churning for the rest of the day. But, I’d do it again, every day, if only to get a taste of the love that I felt from her that night as she held me. Twilight, that’s all I want... That’s all I need.”
“Things are starting to get a little better. Twilight is still pretty cold to me, but she seems to have gained a little self control since Celestia talked with her. But I still feel so alone, like I’m just being tolerated. Is it so wrong to want to feel appreciated?”
Twilight had been fighting back the tears as she read but as she moved onto the entry from the evening before Cerulean had left, she found the lyrics to a song he had written for them both and wept ashamedly as she read the inscription below.
“Twilight... if we make it through this, then someday... please sing this with me. This is all I want to hear.”
“Twilight, what’s...” Grace started before Twilight handed her the last page. She read the lyrics and couldn’t help but feel moved by the raw emotion that had been poured into them, her own eyes growing misty as she watched the lavender mare fall to pieces. “Twilight, I need you to listen to me. A love this strong will not disappear overnight, but it will if it is neglected for too long. Cerulean loves you, and just wants to be shown the same. If you can find a way to bridge the gap and prove your love for him, then you can fix what’s been broken. Are you willing, Twilight Sparkle, to try?”
“I don’t deserve another chance...”
“Love is not a scale; you do not weigh deeds one against another, nor is it a contest. Your feelings of inadequacy are likely justified, as it sounds like you yourself admit that you have been taking all and giving little. But, to Cerulean, this right here,” she stressed, pointing to the song, “is all he needs to keep going. Give him that hope, Twilight. Take what time you need to collect yourself, then find him. And make things right.” Twilight turned and clung to Grace as she was overcome by the words she had read. All this time, he wanted something so simple, but even that she deprived him of, but no longer. She fought to stem the tides and right her mind. She wouldn’t give up, not yet. Grace excused herself and bid Spike attend to her as best he could before returning to Storm and Rainbow Dash who had been waiting outside. Spike listened as the voices receded before climbing up beside Twilight.
“Twilight? What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to wait until this evening. He always did like the sunset, so I will approach him then.”
“Do you know where he is?”
“No, but I have a pretty good guess...” she said, looking out her window towards Everfree Forest.
Cerulean had lost track of how much time he had spent watching the snow fall. It had risen from his chest, but he felt no desire to shake it off or attempt to escape. The sub zero temperatures had cut off feeling from most of his limbs, and he struggled to lift a hoof to his chest, staring at the tiny blue flame that had once been a merry blaze under Twilight’s comforting embrace. But now... He closed his eyes, contemplating snuffing it out to speed along what was inevitably bound to happen. A muffled voice sounded through the skies, but he couldn’t understand. It was different than the last, and it didn’t stop. And then slowly, a small purple flame sprouted up around his tiny blue spark, wrapping it and slowly expanding as the voice came through more clearly. Cerulean looked up as the skies sprouted purple cracks, spreading and finally shattering.
The sun had just began to set as Twilight came upon the giant pillar of ice, and she ignored the winds around that had grown in strength, whipping the stinging sleet around like needles. She placed her horn against the crystalline structure and began to talk softly.
“Cerulean, I don’t know if you can hear me... but please, just give me a chance. A chance to say I’m sorry. Please, Cerulean, wake up!” Seeing no movement, she closed her eyes as the tears began to flow, her magical aura building and expanding passed her body, slowly draping the area in a soft violet light. The ice slowly began to crack under the sheer force of her magic, and the ice whipping around turned into parchments and floated to the ground as the structure shattered. Twilight caught Cerulean as he fell, wrapping him in her arms and crying softly as she begged for him to open his eyes.
Cerulean slowly came to, staring up in confusion as a veritable storm of papers floated down all around him. Every muscle in his body seemed frozen, and his head rolled to the side and he saw that the ground was covered in parchments that were covered front to back with a single, repeated phrase, written in red; “I’m sorry.” He slowly brought his gaze to meet Twilight’s as her tears splashed onto his muzzle. He feebly raised a shaky hoof to comfort her, but she stopped him with her own, gently pushing it away. She pulled off the ring he had given her and placed it into his hoof, speaking in a pained whisper.
“I’m not worthy to wear this. If... if being with Applejack would make you happier, then I can accept that. I’ve failed you as your fiancé, your lover, and your friend. If you never wanted anything to do with me ever again, I wouldn’t blame you...” She paused as she became too overcome to continue. Cerulean again reached up and placed a hoof on her face, but was unable to speak from being trapped so long. “I... I have one last thing... that I think you should hear.” Cerulean’s eyes screwed shut as Twilight began to sing the words he had written.
“Slowly fading away,
lost and so afraid...
Where is the hope in a world so cold?
Looking for a distant light,
Somepony who can save a life,
living in fear, that nopony will hear your cry...”
“Can you save me now?” Cerulean managed the words before Twilight squeezed him to her chest.
“I am with you,
I will carry you through it all
I won’t leave you
I will catch you
When you feel like letting go...
Because you’re not...” she paused, bringing her lips to his ears.
“You’re not alone...” Twilight opened her eyes halfway to see Cerulean pawing at her hoof. She brought it over to him and, with much effort, he slipped the ring back on her hoof, kissing it lightly and clutching the hoof to his chest.
“I’m not... I’m not alone...”
// Author's Note: these lyrics are not mine, they from "Not Alone" by Red. All credits to them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sGYHlreXO8
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Youch, yeah that's the event I was wondering about.
I knew she played the Bangles card!
On a different note, I'd been wondering about how pregnancy triggered mood-swings translate into outright abuse. But maybe Twilight's own massive reserves of magic are amplifying her problems (that might also explain some of her behavior in Lesson Zero).
That was so sad and so unbearably sweet!
Beautiful chapter. I can't wait to read more.
omg, dude nice choice of song, i love Red!
SO MANY BEAUTIFUL FEELS
Using the wonderful new butons we have, I shall post the song in the story, so you don't have to swap pages.
Celestia dammit, your writing is amazing.
1073755 i was listining to this while reading. is it bad that i am crying manly tears
Red= favorite band.
I approve.
awww this is to much-cries alittle bit- i love a good romance and they prove they have it
THE FEELS!
Shut up I'm not crying!
The feels of this chapter, they hurt like a bitch
I didn't quite cry, though my voice had a hitch
On another note, you, dear author, caused me to drop $50 on Red.
So, influenced by you, and musical taste lead.
Eclipse