• Published 3rd Jan 2014
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Guardian of the Everfree - KaBar42



When a Marine gets sent to Equestria, he discovers a dark and ancient secret in the Everfree.

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Urinating on Harmony

Guardian of the Everfree
Chapter 8

I woke up, slowly, with the sun raising into my eyes. I lifted myself up and reached over to my left and grabbed my canteen. I raised it up to my mouth and elevated. I waited a few seconds until my brain registered the fact.

Fuck.

My canteen had somehow lasted three days and now it decides to run out? Brilliant. Hopping up, I dragged my rifle up with me. I had wrapped the sling around my arm before I went to sleep. That way if something tried to take it, I would wake up.

Okay, first things first, I need water. And while I'm at it, some food. I'm fucking getting tired of MREs. And this forest seems plentiful in small game. Having seen quite a few in my short time here. I walked over to the TARDIS box. I would need a .22. I don't want to shoot small game with 5.56, 7.62, or .45. Hell, even smaller pistol calibers would leave me eating lead instead of meat. But I'm not stupid so as to go into an unknown forest with only a .22, and a .45. After I grabbed the .22, which was a Winchester Wildcat, nice rifle. I looked for a rifle chambered in 7.62x39. I came out with an AK-47. It wasn't an AK-74 due to the fact that its mag was distinctly tapered, whereas the 74's was much straighter. The bayonet attachment point on the 74 is a lug, whereas the 47 had teeth. This 47 has a stamped reciever. The evidence being the rivets on the reciever.

I closed the lid on the TARDIS box and headed out. I crossed the bridge being as careful as I'd been before. I entered the tree line. Keeping an eye out for small critters. After about three minutes, I spotted a squirrel, sighted the rifle, and pulled the trigger. It fell, and I went to it. The other squirrels had scattered. When I got to the it, I had to smile. It was a grey squirrel. It had more meat on it than a red squirrel. The reds tend to be gamey. I picked it up. I wasn't too worried about diseases, this world seems too fluffy to have something like the plague in it.

This continued on for about five more shots. I came upon a clearing and walked out. I immediately wished I hadn't walked into this clearing. About thirty feet from me, a massive beast stood. It looked like a lion fucked a bat, who's child than fucked a scorpion. It was looking straight at me. If it charged, I may be able to unsling and sight my AK. I then took notice of two smaller versions of it, the creature had it's wings furled. Oh, fuck. Its a momma with it's babies.

I slowly crouched, while walking backwards. Standing straight up would make me taller, therefore making me more of a threat. And if I pissed her off, I'm not even sure if 7.62 could kill this thing fast enough. The creature kept looking at me, but never moved from her spot. She eventually unfurled her wings, and allowed her cubs to start playing again. I quickly left the area, after I was sure she wouldn't chase me.

(-)

I had been walking for about five hours, keeping an eye out for more game. I had come across quite a few odd animals. One of these being wolves I had dubbed "Timberwolves". Why? You may ask. Simple, they were made of fucking wood.

Wood.

I had come across a pack of them, and when they saw me, I can safely assume they can't smell since they're made of wood, and they had begun advancing towards me. However, a warning shot from my .45 stopped them, and they turned tail and ran. Well then… they're smarter than the ponies. I had also found a stream. Thankfully, it looked clean enough to refill my canteen.

I came across another clearing, being more careful this time, after my last accident. I edged up to the end of the treeline. Nothing was in the clearing except for a statue of an equine. I walked up to the statue and inspected it.

It was a unicorn, with it's tail in a scythe shape, with the tail somehow fanning out into flatness. Something seemed familiar about this mare. The equine had a shocked look on it's face, eyes wide. It had cloth… saddlebags, for lack of a better word, on it's flank. And on it's stifle was a damning piece of evidence. A stifle mark of a six sided star.

This is the same fucking mare that attacked me! But, why is there a statue of her in the middle of the forest? A religious cult, perhaps. And why does it have saddlebags? Maybe an offering. Meh, doesn't matter.

Time to get some childish revenge. Both out of spite and just vengeance. You don't attack me and get away with it. Before I got my revenge, though. I took the saddlebags off of the statue, as they had things in them, and stuffed them in my pack. Now, I set my .22 down next to me. I stood so I was aiming at her flank, unzipped my pants, and did my business. All while whistling.

I finished up with two shakes, zipped up my pants, and was about to pick up my .22. But, a bush in the direction that the statue was staring at started to rustle. I quicky slid the AK from my back and sighted it at the bush. After a few moments, four chicken heads popped out. Chickens.

And then they flew out. With snake bodies, and bat wings. Really? They landed in front of me, and started staring straight into my eyes. We stood there for about three minutes. I was trying to figure out what the fuck they were doing, and they were intensifying their gaze with every passing second. Eventually, I decided I didn't want to stand there all night, and took all four of them down with short three round bursts. I walked up to them. Their bodies were too mangled to work for food, so I left them there.

I heard rustling behind me, and whipped around. The AK already sighted, expecting to see some more weird creatures. But I was greeted with nothing. Keyword: nothing. Not even the statue was there.

It was at that point that I remembered something I had learned in English class, while we were reading "The Book of the Dun Cow". Those were cockatrices, and they could turn people to stone. And that statue is now gone. My brain put two and two together. And I didn't like the result.

FUCK!

I just pissed on a sapient Equine. Brilliant! I'm still a virgin, and the first thing I do that could be misconstrued as sexual, I did it to an Equine! Am I a sex offender now? Fuck it. It doesn't matter, not like I'm going to be introduced into their society anytime soon. But, if they didn't hate me before, they do now.

With that embarrasing phase gone, I picked up the .22, and headed back to Citadel. Maybe I could forget about it in the morning.

Author's Note:

Yeah. I am so weird. I came up with the idea of Dante Thomas pissing on a concreted Twilight when I was in the shower. It was not sexual at all. I just come up with my best ideas when I'm in the shower.

Okay… maybe it was a little sexual. Don't look at me like that! Twilights got a sweet flank. :trollestia:

Yeah, so… sorry about the delay. I was busy at school, and then I decided to take a little vacation. And then I just procrastinated.

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