• Member Since 28th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 1st, 2017

Stormin Away


E

Danger can strike at any moment, whether it be at a convenient moment or not. For a certain pony, the strike of danger came at a wet race track, on a race bike running at the absolute limit, while trying to beat a time someone wouldn't die on.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 5 )

You want a comment, hmm?

Your title is grammaticly incorrect.
Depending on your intent, use one of these:
Shattered Knee, Shattered Dreams
Shattered Knee; Shattered Dreams

Personally, I would recommend the latter.

:twistnerd::moustache:

Might actually read it later.

Alright, not gonna lie. You've got a fair amount of good here. The scenes with Dash in the hospital are well done, if not very exciting. My attention started to wander pretty quickly, unfortunately. Let's talk about why.

First off, yeesh. Comma much? Even in the first paragraph, I really started to notice the excessive amount of commas and it only got worse from there. A lot of times, you use a comma when a period would do. It's really noticeable and really distracting.

Next issue. Two words: "Rainbow" "Dash". You don't use either of these words in the first chapter. If it wasn't for her being in the blurb, I wouldn't have known she was the protagonist. Sure, I did know she was the protagonist, but that was only because of out-of-story information.

You really skip over the differences between your story and MLP canon. All I got is "Dash lives with Spitfire. She rides a motorcycle. And that's all you're getting." She rides a motorcycle? She lives with Spitfire? How did this happen? Is Spitfire still on the Wonderbolts? Is there a Wonderbolts? Where did the motorcycle come from? Why does she ride it instead of flying? Is this Equestria more technologically advanced than the one we know? By how much? Where was Spitz when Dash was in the hospital? Is Dash a pony? (oh wait, yes. You use "hoof" a grand total of once in the first chapter.) And so on and so forth.

Last big one is the pacing. It's very unstable, very hurky-jerky. You can be going at a fair pace for a good while with short and sweet paragraphs. Then bam! Wall o' text. Try to stabilize the flow and smooth out the progression.

There's a few other issues, but they'll be mostly smoothed over with practice. The big issues are the overuse of commas, skimming over important background and setting information, and the inconsistent pacing. Just fix those up and it should be a lot better.

Good luck and never stop. :pinkiehappy:

3846094

I was just trying to get the "everything crossing Dash's mind at that exact moment" feel. In essence you're in Rainbow Dash's head and she doesn't know it.

You aren't exactly thinking "Okay I got this car from Roscoe's car shop oh and by the way I was born in 1989. Hi audience inside my head!" Every time you look at your car, so why would I do the same for Rainbow Dash?

And also, this is Rainbow Dash. All she wants to do (on a regular track day like what's described) is go fast and make it look easy (and awesome).

Not smacking you down, just bringing up a few points.

3846188 Oh, the choice is yours. I'm just saying you need to consider your readers as well. Leaving us out in the cold and dark is most certainly a possible technique. Just make sure you keep in mind that confused readers who aren't already invested in your story are less likely to keep reading or comment.

You do a good job on the attention grab with the crash, but you kinda squander it after that.

M'kay, since I don't have to say that I'm here from Authors Helping Authors I'm just going to get right to it :pinkiehappy:

:WARNING: MAY CONTAIN EXPLOSIVE SUBSTANCES SPOILERS:


Pros:

1. The plot seems interesting.

2. The AU seems well constructed and consistent.

3. The grammar is fairly good throughout, however there are a few things that I'll go over in a bit.

Cons:

1. The reactions of her friends seem somewhat unrealistic to me, I mean, she's acted much worse than that before and they've stood by her side. I doesn't seem like something they'd do, unless that's also a part of the AU.

2. Some of the speech seems a little bit... off to me. Some sentences just sound clunky and awkward, like they just wouldn't sound right if you read them loud.

3. Consistent grammatical issues. For example:

"Pretty much" I respond,

First off, there needs to be a comma at the end of the quote,also the comma at the end should be a full stop. Like this:

"Pretty much," I respond.

Also, when writing numbers one shouldn't just put the number, like 2 should be two. It might come across as lazy to some.

Also, in the first chapter (prologue is misspelt, common mistake) you put what the characters are doing in their speech. A sigh shouldn't just be put in the character's speech, it should be described. Like, "She let out an explosive sigh.".

Hope I could help and this doesn't come across as being mean-spirited, this story is still better than many on this site. Thus, up-vote :moustache:

Here's my story if you still want to review it. :pinkiehappy:

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