We had chosen to house our wedding at the Crystal Empire, and to have it at the Annual fair. In part, it is to help Cadence raise the spirits of the City, in order to renew the spell.
There was another part of this, we need her blessing in what was about to come next, since we desire to have foals of our own, though we're decidedly Mares, and intend to stay this way.
The second ceremony was aimed towards this goal, and with all the most powerful and gifted, including Celestia, Luna and Cadence, for starters, this would change the world, at least for the two of us.
What this would do for the empire, or Equestria, is yet to see, in a few years time.
Chapters (5)
My main problems with this story are that; first off, it is in the first person and, secondly, the grammar and spelling in this is atrocious.
Decided- "come to a resolution in the mind as a result of consideration"
Dictated- "to order; to say aloud."
Empire
Center
This is a complete and total run-on.
I had decided to send three very important messages. I sent the first to Princess Cadence of the Crystal Empire, since I had intended to have the ceremony at her place. During the third Fair of the Empire, which would be at the very center of her most important time.
Another run-on. It left me rather confused.
By the calculations of Twilight, we need a Unicorn per Mare, which means two. Second, for asking to have twins, then you would need another. This means we need five for safety reasons. We chose, however, to have two extra to make certain there was no stress on any partaking Unicorn . Even if five are know to be Alicorns and are strong, we still wanted to be safe.
Alicorns is a race and should always be capitalized.
Presence not precence.
Another run-on.
Hoping not hopiing.
There are more run-on's in the text. I would suggest getting an editor. It would be very beneficial to you.
Received - "to aquire; to get"
Positive - "to be certain; to be merry."
What does this sentence even mean? I'm very confused with this sentence.
Okay. That is enough of a review/helpful comment. I'm sorry that it is a long text wall, but I am trying to assist you in the only way I know how. It is a shame that you have this many downvotes without any comments as to why someone didn't like your story or why they did; I, however, have decided that I would give my insight into why I must downvote. I'm sorry to do that because it has a lot of potential, but I just could not even get past the first chapter. It is a sad truth, but it is the truth.
Good luck in your writing ventures and hope that someone will come along and help edit the rest for you.
3880198 I would like to know why 'First Person' is a problem. if it isn't too much to ask.
Then I thank you for taking the time to point out these mistakes and typos, hoping this will make for more enjoyable reading experience for future readers.
I have some problems with the 'Capitalisation', since it isn't used where I live.
My search for 'Editors' is not going as well as I had hoped, I only have one for another story.
Thanks again.
3880907 I just don't like first person novels. I believe there should be a difference between a writer and their story. There are exceptions to this, but it is very rare for me. That's just my personal preference.
It would be capitalization.
Do you have Microsoft Word? If not, you should consider purchasing it. It does help with grammar and spelling, but not to a full extent of an editor. Still, it would help. Either that or there are some groups on here that have editors available. I wouldn't be much help. I'm not really good when it comes to communication and being available.
I'll try to link some groups in my next post if you respond.
3881101 I can respect the point of view, since you eplaind your point, even if I can't agree with the reasoning. The next alternative would be third person?
I'll just have to struggle on with the Capitalisation.
No, I'm using Open Office, not the best 'Spell Check', but for writing, it works well for me.
Even if you only have the time for a few points, maybe one a week is still more then before.
An editor with mor back ground in the specifics would be very useful to this story.
Trying to buld something like this is something of a challenge, but since I started up the story, I can't just leave it where it is.
I guess the story could use help on details, like the magic.
3881420 Yeah. Open Office is terrible when it comes to spell check and the sorts. I'm trying to think of a better site that would assist you.
This is one site that I've not checked out, but seems good.
If you want to use another site, perhaps Google Translate can help you translate from your natural tongue to English. It might be super useful. If you speak Spanish, I can try a bit of translation myself if need be.
This group is the Proofreader Group. It mainly is for people that speak English fairly well, but just need someone to skim over the chapters for quick mistakes.
This one is the Editor's Group. I know it doesn't have many members, but even a few people can find a good editor for you.
The Writer's Group was introduced to me earlier, but I have yet to join it. However, it looks like a good place to start for Writer's looking for explanation.
I am willing to help in any way I can. I'll try to put it in my "Read Later" section and I can try to edit it as much as I can. I'm still learning some things myself, but am more than willing to help those in need. I was born in the United States, which makes English my first language.
3881507 I only get a feel it pick out words, but I guess it still is lacking.
since the stories are all writtien in English in the first place, I guess the 'Proof-Readers' would be usefull in this respect. the fact that it is a Massive group would help too since it should leav with a few to choose from, as opposed to the small groups.
for someone with limited time, I guess it is convenient with short stories, even if some don't like them?
3881832 Yes, but you need more of an editor. I can look around and see what I can find.
Curious, what is your native tongue?
I sent you a message through your inbox.
3881933 there are a few things for an Editor to do here, by the looks.
Swedish
3882041 That's cool. I had an Au Pair from there. Not sure where, but she was super nice. I wish I still remembered some of it. It has been 15 years and haven't spoken a word since she left.
Don't worry. I think, once you practice, you'll start to get the grammatical structure quickly. English is one of the hardest languages to learn because we've got so many rules.
3882423 Speaking of which, it is time for a small matter of 'House Cleaning' here, I guess.
I hope I'm not intruding on your memory
regardless of if it was good bad or just indifferent.
3961462 It was all good memories. Just lost my memory when I fell a while back. So, I have no real way to contact her.
Anyways, good luck with your "spring cleaning".
3962705 since it is about spring time, I guess this is the time for doin just that.
I'm currently going over this story, in hope the readers, just like you would enjoy me brushing it up a bit, before I move it forwards.
Sorry to hear about the fall, sounds painful.
loosing contatcs is anoth pain.
3962990 Yes. Also, feel free to message me if you need assistance with a certain phrase or spelling. I'll be more than happy to help.