Saying Goodbye
Final Draft
I will never forget the name of my creator. It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but it reflected the person he was long ago; xXImmortalCloudXx. I just call him Cloud these days, as he tends to.
I still remember the first line he ever wrote, etched forever into my heart.
“As the cold wind blew Nightshade new her time had come,.”
My author was never much of a writer, and half of my adventures went unfinished thanks to his laziness and lack of creativity, but I loved the time he spent with me anyway. It’s a strange sensation, being called into existence by a 13 year old whose writing skills were, at the time, abysmal.
In his stories I had fought gods and demons and never once came close to defeat. I'd bedded countless characters, without effort or buildup, and everybody loved me for it, yet it all felt hollow, pointless somehow.
At first I relished in being the centre of attention, much like he did. His stories were never popular, but the sheer number of them gave him a small following and the slightest taste of success. As the years progressed he gradually began to become more creative and daring as a writer, and one faithful day he shocked his audience.
I fought a God and lost.
I never lose. Never. Up to that point he had described me as invulnerable, and fights were a chore, boring even. But in the space of a single paragraph he had changed my world forever.
It was the first sign of something wonderful, and terrible.
After four years of angst, of mysterious pasts and plot contrivances that outnumbered the stars themselves, he announced that he was ‘retiring’ my character. That I, Nightshade, thirteen-time savior of Equestria was being put out to pasture. The idea at first struck me as a relief, but gradually the finality of his words came home to roost.
It was the end.
The days that followed my final story were blank, empty. An infinite white space, they stretched on forever. I was trapped in limbo, far away from my friends, or anyone. My creator had abandoned me, and where I should have felt nothing I felt a sadness that I wasn’t aware I could feel.
I was still alive, somehow.
After awhile I began to imagine myself back in Ponyville. I had been beloved back then, by everyone.
I tried to imagine what they were up to. Funny, I had never considered anyone other than myself before. Cloud’s writing had always put me in the spotlight.
I even attempted to use my magic to return home, but as powerful as it once was without my author’s intent I can’t summon so much as a sandwich. In the end, he was the one calling the shots. How ironic, to think that a mortal human could have more power here than an immortal Alicorn! And so here I am, stuck.
After awhile I start to see words form in the corner of my mind. He’s writing?
“Hello? Cloud, are you there? Please don’t forget about me!”
But as I stare at my white-canvas-prison I begin to see him creating a new world. Sound and colour return to this place, and I see his new OC.
She’s an earth pony, a much more modest creature than I ever was. Her fur is a light red, and she has diamond blue eyes. As far away from my lilac fur and purple mane as can be imagined. She’s wearing a straw hat with flowers in it. I can smell them, petunias I think.
“Hello? Who are you?”
She can’t hear me. She’s talking to a background pony.
“Why are you wasting your time on a nobody like that? Are all of the Mane 6 busy?”
“Hi there Sweetpea, how are things today?”
Sweetpea? He replaced me with an Earth pony called Sweetpea?
Perhaps the name Nightshade was a tad cliche for an OC alicorn, but Sweetpea is going from the divine to the ridiculous! To think, I was once the most popular being in all of Equestria! I curse Cloud, and my lamentations echo into the void.
I watch as this insipid little thing waltzes over to the flower shop.
“What can I get you?”
“Two dozen roses please!”
“Are they for a special somepony?”
“Well, kinda...”
I already hate her. She’s considerate and polite and boring. Will she ever topple the changeling empire single-hoofed? Recapture the lost kingdom to the North? I doubt it.
She fumbles the flowers before falling face first into them, in what I’m sure Cloud intended as some kind of endearing clumsiness. Pathetic, as if I ever needed to resort to such nonsense.
She then heads over to Fluttershy’s place. I remember being the only pony Fluttershy ever instantly warmed to, but of course Little Miss Mundane manages to scare her.
“Hi there, I’m Sweetpea. I’m new in town! What’s your name?”
Fluttershy hides under a table. Typical.
“Fluttershy.” She barely whispers.
The same tired routine plays out as it always does whenever Fluttershy meets somepony, and by the end of the conversation they still aren’t friends. This Sweetpea seems like more of a letdown by the moment...
For a few moments the scene changes to focus on two other characters, ones I’ve never seen before. One of them is a deep blue, with a cloud Cutie Mark, and the other is a light green.
What is your sudden fixation with nobodies, Cloud? At the very least you should focus on one rather than several. In my stories the reader never left my side once, not even when other important characters were around, and it served my audience well.
“So honey, are you meeting Sweetpea for coffee today?”
“Of course! She is my editor after all!”
Well, at least they’re talking about the protagonist, I suppose that will suffice.
In the next scene Sweetpea and Nobody Joe (my preferred nickname for him) are sitting together at Sugar Cube Corner.
“I love the manuscript Cloud, but I’m worried about the ending-“
What. He’s actually written himself into the story, he didn't even bother to change his name. Shameless.
And why in the soul-cursed name of King Sombra isn’t he the protagonist?!
“Well, I wasn’t sure how to finish it. I mean, ‘Saying Goodbye’ was just meant as a footnote, I didn’t want it to ramble on-“
“But that’s the problem. You tiptoe round the issue, but you never actually say goodbye.”
“Well, that’s where I was hoping you would come in. You see-“
Cloud leans forward and whispers something into SweetPea’s ear. I try getting closer but by the time I do he’s already finished talking to her.
“That’s perfect! But are you sure?”
“Yes Sweetpea. I’ve grown out of her, and now I want to move on.”
These words hit me in the gut harder than the meteor Absalom the Invincible threw at me during my third adventure. “Grown out of.” I am a child’s toy, and now he’s cast me aside.
When he’s older, will he look back and chuckle at our stories? Will he view them as trash, cheesy and self indulgent? Why do I linger on? Is this a punishment for being what I was, a terrible character?
I can handle that. I only hope I wasn’t a terrible person as well.
After their lunch the two walk together for awhile. I consider briefly whether they are having an affair, though the idea of Cloud finding such a plain Jane character appealing disgusts me.
“So, are you heading there now?”
“Yes, I think I should make it before sundown. Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?”
Cloud turns away, his expression unreadable.
“I’m a coward, Sweetpea. I spent four years of my life with her and now I’m leaving this up to you. If I go there I don’t think I’d ever leave. Please, I need you to do this.”
I wish I could speak to her, but in a way I’m also glad I can’t. She’s a kind pony, and she doesn’t deserve my wrath. I want to speak to Cloud too, but I’m not sure what I’d say. Would I blast him for forgetting about me, or beg him to write adventures about me again?
I follow Sweetpea, she’s heading to the edge of town now, to the cemetery. I’ve never seen this place before, but I’m certain she’ll do something clumsy and mundane as always.
“Umm, hello there, I know we never met but I thought I’d bring you some flowers. It must get pretty lonely here, huh? They talk about you all the time, I wish I’d been here to meet you.”
She places the flowers by a simple stone grave. After a few seconds I realize what is happening.
The grave is mine.
“I know a lot of people aren’t going to like me, since I have such big shoes to fill, but I hope someday I’ll be as popular as you Nightshade! Anyways, I hope you’re happy now, wherever you are. And don’t worry, I’ll make sure Cloud never forgets you either.”
I feel a warmth trickle down my cheeks, as the world around me slowly fades to white.
Thank you, Sweetpea. Enjoy your time with Cloud.
Goodbye.
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NewInTown.
All in all, interesting concept. The only thing I didn't like was a grammatical error at the start of the story. Other than that, nice job.
>this
#favorited
Sad. I will never leave my OC! Ever! I love Pixel Berry,
That, was disgustingly heartwarming. As much as oc's should be repulsive, this captured a true kind of feel we writers have for our oc's and for that I cannot help but seem to shed a tear because you captured the feeling of saying goodbye rather beautifully.
well done.
Even with my distaste for over-powered, strangely colored alicorn OCs, this story elicited feels. Its made me realize that we, as owners and creators of our OCs should always be sure to treat them as best we can, no matter how many gods they've toppled effortlessly, no matter how many cringe worthy things they do or say.
Well done.
3709602
Eeeewww...
http://floppy-fluttercord.deviantart.com/art/OC-My-little-pony-Friendship-is-magic-418232769
Never leave you♥
3710531 not like that! She's like me as a pony. That's like leaving my personality, not like love love. That would be creepy. I'm not like that.
3711544
You misunderstood me. I did not presume you were like that.
[Randy Newman's 'You Got a Friend in Me' plays heavily to a montage of Cloud sitting at his computer writing fanfiction]
[Title comes up in bold letters]
Fictional Characters Story.
Despite a setting of toys, video game characters, and written OCs being alive beyond the creator's knowledge, that's been done before, the story feels like it was handled much too briefly. The OC and the author were generic and unexplored characters (which is the point for the former, but not handled very well but I like the sense of irony depicted). Sweatpea's not a very interesting OC either, despite the fact that her role is as a direct display of Cloud's more developed writing skills. She just felt like a boring character with no real role and need to interact with Nightshade.
The meta element of the story- which is the thought of how far an author would have come from their initial beginnings with forced and horrible stories - is definitely presented but in a manner that feels much too rushed to be appreciated. I feel like the Aesop, which I assume to be to never forget our beginnings, should have been better flashed out.
The story introduces entertaining irony though, and I really appreciate the language used to express Nightshade's various and past exploits. I wished that was better elaborated
Overall, a story that won't really leave a lasting impression and is too short despite a premise that is noble and worth remembering. It just feels rushed, like a first draft. I liked it though and I just wish it would be given a rewrite with more care for detail.
I hope this review makes sense and is helpful. Sometimes gut feelings are difficult to put into words.
Also, I'll like to think of fictional characters, if we're going to use Pixar's meta, as Monster Inc-like. Like they have to dress up and get ready to be immersed in a different reality whenever a writer wants to do a new work.
3714677 so what did you mean by ewww?
3716314
I think your OC is disgusting.
3717467 well at least I showed it with pride! I don't see your OC anywhere! (Some fan u are)
3717725
Who said I had one?
3718033 just assumed since u have an account on this website.
3720856
I hope you've learned your lesson.
3721506 I:<
3721809 Guys, I'm sorry but could you please take this elsewhere?
3721946 sorry I'm done messaging to this user so I'll be sending my last message. Still love your book. <3
3721946
Party pooper.
Congradulations! Your story has been officially graded as an...
fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/003/e/d/emeralds_by_shiranuishiningstar-d70opth.jpg
Emerald by the Gem Hunters.
Really was quite nice overall. It was a bit bland in the character department, but easily made up for it with very thought provoking ideas. Thinking back to the past about the fictional characters created in our own imagination is something that quite a few writers probably do. Not the first time I have seen this element in media, but even then I think you handled it well.
This was very cool. Sad, and intriguing.
Have a favorite, and an upvote!
3957539 Thank you!
I felt a small emotion
good job
Wow.
That was...
Huh.
I'm kinda at a loss for words, here. Good job?
I has tears in eyes
This story is more than just an OC being abandoned. It's more than a writer improving. This story is about growing up. It may by hard—but it's also important that we remember those childish things that once gave us pleasure and happiness, not to leave them, but to put them aside in the most cherished place in our hearts for when we want to see who we once were, what we've become, and how wonderful it all is.
4223508 if you made regidar emotiony, I gotta read this.
EDIT: meh. Master of never crying.
5185132 Would you mind giving me your thoughts? I'm not sure if you enjoyed it or not.
5185282 wonderful Idea, growth shown. I like it. But I am impossible to cry.
4894619 That was beautiful.
This is a brilliant idea, enough that I saw it and went, "I wish I'd written that". Certainly one of the more original fourth-wall-breaking stories I've read. It's a shame the story peters out a little into a slightly clichéd final scene, but it does so well earlier on that it gets a like anyway.